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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

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10 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

 


You’re on to something. This approach helps avoid the inevitable “you don’t listen to me!” rant. Another good tactic is just occasionally repeat something back to her. “Really, Susan actually said that to you?” and then you can tune out for a few more minutes. Try it. They really think you’re listening.

 

That’s a lot of effort. I just occasionally raise my eyebrows inquisitively , or nod my head a little. 

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Snake Diggity

Snake Diggity 4625

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Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 

The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

Edited by Snake Diggity
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Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8719

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11 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 

The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

You guys should invest in those sanitizing bags you just pop in the microwave 

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EE2B

EE2B 1565

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Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 
The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

I can’t tell you how many WubbaNubs with burned spots on them that we had. Probably every single one had been burned to some degree. Gas ranges and cloth don’t mix.
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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45691

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51 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

Few weeks ago, I am in my office and hear my wife screaming “OMG!  Fire!”.  I run out, thinking my dryer lint has finally caught fire (40+ years old and likely never cleaned).  I run thru the smoke filled house and into the laundry and check it, nada.  I hear her behind me “it’s this!”. 
 

The baby had been sick, so she had decided to boil the pacifiers to sanitize them.  Puts 6 pacifiers in a pot of water, turns the heat on, and walks away.  God knows how many hours later, the water had all boiled out and the melting plastic filled the house with toxic smoke.  Real cool.  Thanks for the cancer, wifey.

Your dryer is over 40 years old?

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G650

G650 14263

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28 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Apparently your critical thinking skills need some brushing up.

Indeed. I've made a reasonable recovery though, I rate it 50/50 I get laid. My strategy has been getting is drunk, so it's going to be awesome or fail spectacularly.

 

31 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

You done fucked up.

Seems to be my lot in life unfortunately.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54246

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Had good and bad today...

Good: Leaves a voicemail that starts, "Long story, but last part first..."

Bad: Goes to lunch with friend, texts me that they're at the Thai place, asks if I want her to bring me something. She knows I love Thai, knows I love spicy food, so yeah just pick me something. When she finally gets home, she has brought...Orange Chicken.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54246

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54 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Pick me something was on you

 

I'm apparently wrong that after living with someone for nearly 30 years, you should be able to order for them.  I somehow always manage to pick beer that she likes and I always know to order her unsweetened tea at restaurants.  And I don't give a shit who you are, you should never order orange chicken at a Thai restaurant, for fuck's sake!

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21907

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I'm apparently wrong that after living with someone for nearly 30 years, you should be able to order for them.  I somehow always manage to pick beer that she likes and I always know to order her unsweetened tea at restaurants.  And I don't give a shit who you are, you should never order orange chicken at a Thai restaurant, for fuck's sake!

After 30 years I think you should realize that you’re married to a woman. You are married to a woman aren’t you?
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The Ace of Aces

The Ace of Aces 5186

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Posted (edited)

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

Edited by The Ace of Aces
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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

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10 hours ago, yoshi said:

My wife has kicked on the garbage disposal with every spoon in our house at least once.  I cannot find one freaking spoon that does have chewed up edges.  You can feel the jagged edges when you eat.  

save your sanity like I did

https://www.homedepot.com/p/DANCO-Disposal-Genie-Garbage-Disposal-Strainer-in-Black-10051/202196239

 

6 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

she said you, not anyone else.

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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

Posted
Posted
Had good and bad today...

Good: Leaves a voicemail that starts, "Long story, but last part first..."

Bad: Goes to lunch with friend, texts me that they're at the Thai place, asks if I want her to bring me something. She knows I love Thai, knows I love spicy food, so yeah just pick me something. When she finally gets home, she has brought...Orange Chicken.


Been married 20 years, I have learned to be very specific on what I want her to bring me.

One time she brought me a hot dog from somewhere. I asked her if she thought I was 5.
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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18829

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14 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

spacer.png

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21907

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13 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

We just watched Zombieland 2. When it was over: "Wait, how many of these have there been?"

To start with, you weren't watching Zombieland 2.  You were watching Zombieland Double Tap.  There is no 2 in the title.  So how is she supposed to know how many there were.  It was a legitimate question.  Also, why wasn't she in the kitchen making you a sammich instead of disrupting your movie enjoyment?

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

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16 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

This goes in a “Husbands and the stupid shit they say/do” thread. 

This morning Mrs. Ace was drinking tea and did that coughing/can’t breath thing you do sometimes when it goes up your nose or whatever. 

This conversation followed:

Me: Are you okay?
Her: Yes (says through the coughing fit)
Me: Maybe you should go back to swallowing school
Her: (once composure regained) “Why? It’s not like that’ll impact you anytime soon.”

I have failed, gentlemen.

 

Looks like you played the Queen of Spades in a game of hearts.  Tough trick.

 

username does not check out

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