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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Nivek

Nivek 16928

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My kid just gets the shits for three days when she eats eggs (or gluten or dairy). We actually lucky her allergies are not more serious.

That is not how it works. It can trigger an auto immune reaction as well as a host of other unseen issues such as perforated gut.
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EE2B

EE2B 1565

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That is not how it works. It can trigger an auto immune reaction as well as a host of other unseen issues such as perforated gut.

In her case it does. We tried her on gluten again about 8 months ago and she had diarrhea within an hour of eating. Wait a couple of days and she’s back to normal.
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Nivek

Nivek 16928

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On 2/18/2020 at 6:46 PM, EE2B said:


In her case it does. We tried her on gluten again about 8 months ago and she had diarrhea within an hour of eating. Wait a couple of days and she’s back to normal.

Diarrhea is part of the more or less visible acute reactions, but there are likely chronic ones at work which cause longterm issues.  Many of those afflicted by Celiac disease have complaints about cognitive impairment they often refer to as "brain fog" (yes, I know Joe Vs. the Volcano).   

 

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miguelito

miguelito 11264

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Her: Rebeca's in the hospital.

Me: Oh no, what happened?

Her:  Her husband was in a bike accident.  He broke a rib and hurt his wrist.

Me: Is she OK?  Why is she there?

Her: [sigh, like 'I just told you'] Her husband is there!

Me: Well don't say someone is in the hospital if, nevermind.  ... I mean, you could've just said her husband was in, nevermind.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Her: Rebeca's in the hospital.
Me: Oh no, what happened?
Her:  Her husband was in a bike accident.  He broke a rib and hurt his wrist.
Me: Is she OK?  Why is she there?
Her: [sigh, like 'I just told you'] Her husband is there!
Me: Well don't say someone is in the hospital if, nevermind.  ... I mean, you could've just said her husband was in, nevermind.

Cyclist or motorcycle? Trying to figure out if I need to send t’s and p’s or not
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Js1

Js1 85325

Posted
Posted (edited)
45 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Are you a cop? You have to tell him if you're a cop.

"Her husband was in a bike accident."

"Oh.  Over on 14th?"

"Yeah...how did you know?"

"Fucker blew through a stop sign over on 12th, it was my duty to follow him for 2 blocks and then hit him" 

Edited by Js1
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Walden Ponderer

Walden Ponderer 12639

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My wife, the professional organizer, was very proud of herself for finding the perfect spot to set up our rechargeable battery charging station. It's out in the tool shed, and I have to admit, it's very tidy, and easy to find.

Middle of a snowstorm, though, and she wants batteries for her flashlight to do something or other on the front porch, and she asks me where the batteries are. She knows damned well where they are, she was fishing to get me to go out back to the tool shed to get them for her.

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8407

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8 hours ago, Nivek said:

Diarrhea is part of the more or less visible acute reactions, but there are likely chronic ones at work which cause longterm issues.  Many of those afflicted by Celiac disease have complaints about cognitive impairment they often refer to as "brain fog" (yes, I know Joe Vs. the Volcano).   

 

"Brain clouds."  The answer was "brain clouds".  No points for you.

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ruitxn

ruitxn 296

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To be fair, the wife and I have lately experienced some cold weather flights. This week however, we were boarding a connecting flight from Phoenix to Puerto Vallarta. It was at least 85 outside in Phoenix headed to warm beach.  As our plane backed out of our gate it paused, and I jokingly said we are deicing.   She said....Really. 

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19190

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On 2/20/2020 at 12:35 PM, Nivek said:

Diarrhea is part of the more or less visible acute reactions, but there are likely chronic ones at work which cause longterm issues.  Many of those afflicted by Celiac disease have complaints about cognitive impairment they often refer to as "brain fog" (yes, I know Joe Vs. the Volcano).   

 

Ooooh, look at the big brain on Nivek.

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Mach 1

Mach 1 1677

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Time for an offseason update on my wife's shenanigans:

She decided to stop drinking a few months ago, so the time previously spend drinking wine and watching Netflix is now spent brainstorming new business ideas.  I came home this weekend to a bunch of arts and crafts shit all over the dining table, with her unloading Michael's bags.

Me: What's up?

Wife:  You know how gold necklaces always get knotted up?

Me: No, but I'll take your word for it.

Wife:  Well it's really bad when you travel.  So I'm going to come up with some kind of carrying case that I can put my necklaces in when I travel, WITHOUT knotting up.

Me:  (wagging my finger, lying my ass off). Now THAT sounds like a winner.

Wife:  I know!  Speaking of jewelry I forgot to tell you about the diamond thing.

Me:  (deep breath) Diamond thing?

Wife:  Remember that Canadian couple we met in Cabo?  Well I've stayed in contact with the wife.  We'd like to go into business with one another but couldn't find the right opportunity.  Well, she found one.  We're going to try to reopen a dormant diamond mine on Eskimo land.

I shit you not. Reopen a dormant diamond mine on Eskimo land. 

Me:  Have you started drinking again? (leans in to smell breath)

Wife: Oh stop! She has good government connections for this kind of thing.  We'll just need to round up some investors.

Me:  I'd think so, to the tune of 10's of millions of dollars.

Wife: Nah, not that much, we're only going for a controlling interest at 51%

I walk away shaking my head.  This is becoming a runaway locomotive, so after a couple of hours of more head shaking I decide it's time to apply some brakes. I decide to tell her about that scrunchie into a cup cover thing that @mulletpellini posted a few weeks back.

I pull up the article on my phone and hand it to her, hold my breath.

Wife: (reads a bit) Shit! (sits down, keeps reading)  A scrunchie on a cup lid?!  Who the hell wants hair in their drink?  So dumb. Ours is completely different.

Me: (shoulder shrug) Just thought you'd like to know.

Wife:  Just goes to show you what a good idea it was.  Women have to protect themselves from getting roofied.  Animals out there.

 

So my attempt at placing brakes on this locomotive have been torched to shreds and lie smoldering on the side of the tracks.  Oh well, I've never met Eskimos before.  Sounds kind of cool.

 

 

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Hate

Hate 20108

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3 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Wife:  Just goes to show you what a good idea it was.  Women have to protect themselves from getting roofied.  Animals out there.

 

 

Why not floories, right? 'Cause when you take 'em, you're more likely to end up on the floor than the roof. What about groundies? That's a good new name fo' 'em.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

Posted
Posted
On 2/20/2020 at 9:44 PM, ruitxn said:

To be fair, the wife and I have lately experienced some cold weather flights. This week however, we were boarding a connecting flight from Phoenix to Puerto Vallarta. It was at least 85 outside in Phoenix headed to warm beach.  As our plane backed out of our gate it paused, and I jokingly said we are deicing.   She said....Really. 

Next time convince her the pilot just put it in 'R'

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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3868

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On 2/21/2020 at 8:27 PM, Mach 1 said:

Wife:  You know how gold necklaces always get knotted up?

Me: No, but I'll take your word for it.

Wife:  Well it's really bad when you travel.  So I'm going to come up with some kind of carrying case that I can put my necklaces in when I travel, WITHOUT knotting up.

Me:  (wagging my finger, lying my ass off). Now THAT sounds like a winner.

 

Grab the Saran Wrap, lay necklace on wrap, roll wrap around necklace, she doesn't profit.

Might practice it before demonstrating to her. 

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Incredulity

Incredulity 11669

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On 2/22/2020 at 8:08 PM, mulletpelini said:

Doesn't matter how many times grease splatters on exposed forearm and hands from the stove being on too high, it still stays on too high.

Couple years into being married I came home to wife cooking a meal with 3 burners on High and just going crazy trying to keep everything from burning up.  With the kitchen quickly filling up with smoke I turned on the exhaust fan and all 3 burners to low.

 She looked at me like I was fucking Gandalf.

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