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Posted (edited)

My mother in law had to drive to her bay house on her lunch break to pick up her wallet she left behind. When she was telling my wife and I about this, my father in law pops his head up and says "ask her whose fault it is." She looks back at him and says "well you were rushing me!"

Edited by FriendofaFriend
  • Like 2
Posted
2 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

"Hey babe, where's my phone?  Will you call it??"

 

"Probably right where you left it..."

 

tone!! 

Every god damn night. And, to make it worse, she puts it on silent at work so half the time we can't hear it. 

  • Haha 1
Posted
7 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Oh, exact same thing with deciding on the movies at home.  We've got a library of 1000+ titles.  

"okay, we've got this for comedy, this for drama, this for action, these 3 ive been meaning to watch, etc...which do you want"

"i dont know, why dont you just pick"

"how about you pick this time"

"no"

5 minutes in .... "this movie is sooo bad why do you always choose bad ones"

 

Holy shit picking a movie from Netflix or HBO on demand is a nightmare. I'll come across about 15 titles I wanna see and she'll grumble about all of them. Then she'll never see one that she likes. 45 minutes later and we still haven't picked anything. 

  • Haha 1
Posted
20 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

Holy shit picking a movie from Netflix or HBO on demand is a nightmare. I'll come across about 15 titles I wanna see and she'll grumble about all of them. Then she'll never see one that she likes. 45 minutes later and we still haven't picked anything. 

 

Posted
Your wife cleans?  Fucking humblebrag. 


We have a maid that does the heavy lifting. The wife gets on a little OCD cleaning thing occasionally and does random stuff.
Posted
11 hours ago, Buffsoldier said:

Your wife cleans?  Fucking humblebrag. 

Would you rather she did, and nag you for not helping?  Maid is the better option....

***

From the Contradiction files:

"those 30 day contact lenses are bullshit they just want you to replace them sooner so they make more money; I don't change mine until the look distorted and misshapened"

This is from the person who tosses everything out on expiration date, whether it's a salami or hot sauce.

 

The whole thing was brought up because we're going to Africa, and she's switching to 1-day lenses because somehow the environment there is so toxic it might contaminate her contacts....

 

Posted
7 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

The whole thing was brought up because we're going to Africa, and she's switching to 1-day lenses because somehow the environment there is so toxic it might contaminate her contacts....

 

Well, you don’t want her to get Ebola do you?  Insensitive bastard.

Posted
23 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Oh, exact same thing with deciding on the movies at home.  We've got a library of 1000+ titles.  

"okay, we've got this for comedy, this for drama, this for action, these 3 ive been meaning to watch, etc...which do you want"

"i dont know, why dont you just pick"

"how about you pick this time"

"no"

5 minutes in .... "this movie is sooo bad why do you always choose bad ones"

 

Look at her with a completely deadpan expression and say, "Making poor choices in life is apparently what I do."

  • Haha 1
Posted

Help me solve a debate.  And, if I'm wrong, I will readily admit it to my wife.

Long story short.  I said something about being part Scottish.  I've made jokes about her Scottish heritage before, so this was kind of surprising to her.  She replied, "Oh you're part Scottish now?"  I said that, being predominantly of European heritage, I'm probably part every nationality of Europe and that she is as well.  She then began to argue that her sister went all the way back to 1032 on some genealogy site and they had no ancestors from Eastern Europe.  

My claim is that this would be damn near impossible.  She admits to Scottish, Irish, English, and German.  I said going back 10 generations would add up to 1, 012 direct ancestors - 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great, etc...  And that going back to 1032 would be around 30 generations.  I'm not even sure what that number would be but, considering that going back doubles the number of direct ancestors each generation AS WELL AS shrinks the world (fewer people), that there's no way none of them aren't from Eastern Europe.  

What say you?

Posted

Spend $100 and do the DNA test that Ancestry.com offers.

 

And she might not have any Eastern European in her now, but I'm sure it's been in her many times in the past.

 

 

 

 

  • Haha 2
Posted

At HEB and we decide to get frozen pizza for lunch. I grab a 3 meat Central Market brand, she spends 15 minutes looking for something gluten free, healthy and tastes good(her words).

Soon as we walk in the door, she asks if I plan on sharing my pizza with her...WTF. So what the hell was all that shit in the store about?

 

  • Like 3
Posted

Mine needed directions. I told her the intersection and she was clueless. Didnt matter that she has been to this shopping center 3 weeks in a row. I repeated the intersection. It then hit her, the same center as a donut shop she likes. She told me I should speak to her in donut.

Posted
4 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Help me solve a debate.  And, if I'm wrong, I will readily admit it to my wife.

Long story short.  I said something about being part Scottish.  I've made jokes about her Scottish heritage before, so this was kind of surprising to her.  She replied, "Oh you're part Scottish now?"  I said that, being predominantly of European heritage, I'm probably part every nationality of Europe and that she is as well.  She then began to argue that her sister went all the way back to 1032 on some genealogy site and they had no ancestors from Eastern Europe.  

My claim is that this would be damn near impossible.  She admits to Scottish, Irish, English, and German.  I said going back 10 generations would add up to 1, 012 direct ancestors - 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great, etc...  And that going back to 1032 would be around 30 generations.  I'm not even sure what that number would be but, considering that going back doubles the number of direct ancestors each generation AS WELL AS shrinks the world (fewer people), that there's no way none of them aren't from Eastern Europe.  

What say you?

I've studied genealogy extensively. Based on the facts above going back to 1032, your wife and her family come from a long line of Albanian peasantry.

No charge, fellow surly member.

  • Like 1
Posted
3 minutes ago, Bud Davis said:

Mine needed directions. I told her the intersection and she was clueless. Didnt matter that she has been to this shopping center 3 weeks in a row. I repeated the intersection. It then hit her, the same center as a donut shop she likes. She told me I should speak to her in donut.

When she said that, you should have started her down with a glazed look in your eyes.

  • Like 2
  • Haha 1
Posted

So we’re having some kids over for my son’s 9th birthday party and she tells me to put away the long-reach butane lighter that is up on the third shelf of our pantry. I turn to her with a puzzled look and say, “you mean the one you can’t ever get to light”?

I get tone, but move it even further out of sight.

Then comes candle-lighting time, and she comes over with some matches, but, after about three attempts, she still can’t light all 9 candles. I get the long-reach lighter back out and light the rest of the candles, then put it back up near the top of the pantry.

After cake, I see the matches left there on the counter and turn ragey.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

Posted
5 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Help me solve a debate.  And, if I'm wrong, I will readily admit it to my wife.

Long story short.  I said something about being part Scottish.  I've made jokes about her Scottish heritage before, so this was kind of surprising to her.  She replied, "Oh you're part Scottish now?"  I said that, being predominantly of European heritage, I'm probably part every nationality of Europe and that she is as well.  She then began to argue that her sister went all the way back to 1032 on some genealogy site and they had no ancestors from Eastern Europe.  

My claim is that this would be damn near impossible.  She admits to Scottish, Irish, English, and German.  I said going back 10 generations would add up to 1, 012 direct ancestors - 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great, etc...  And that going back to 1032 would be around 30 generations.  I'm not even sure what that number would be but, considering that going back doubles the number of direct ancestors each generation AS WELL AS shrinks the world (fewer people), that there's no way none of them aren't from Eastern Europe.  

What say you?

blazing-saddles-my-grandma.jpg

  • Like 2
Posted
She sounds fat.


Psychic post is psychic.

Mine needed directions. I told her the intersection and she was clueless. Didnt matter that she has been to this shopping center 3 weeks in a row. I repeated the intersection. It then hit her, the same center as a donut shop she likes. She told me I should speak to her in donut.

  • Like 1
Posted
8 hours ago, Bud Davis said:

Mine needed directions. I told her the intersection and she was clueless. Didnt matter that she has been to this shopping center 3 weeks in a row. I repeated the intersection. It then hit her, the same center as a donut shop she likes. She told me I should speak to her in donut.

I make my dough rise, then she makes my donut. 

  • Haha 1
Posted
On 6/1/2018 at 6:54 PM, NorthLoop said:

Holy shit picking a movie from Netflix or HBO on demand is a nightmare. I'll come across about 15 titles I wanna see and she'll grumble about all of them. Then she'll never see one that she likes. 45 minutes later and we still haven't picked anything. 

That’s why we have 2 TVs.  She can Hallmark and HGTV all the hell she wants to.

I’m watching sports, History Channel, and series like Billions or GoT.

 

We will watch the living hell outta Astros and NFL Sundays together though, which had you asked me when we first got married, I would have said , “Never happen in a million years.”

Life throws you a good curve every once in a while...

Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, gaspar said:

So we’re having some kids over for my son’s 9th birthday party and she tells me to put away the long-reach butane lighter that is up on the third shelf of our pantry. I turn to her with a puzzled look and say, “you mean the one you can’t ever get to light”?

I get tone, but move it even further out of sight.

Then comes candle-lighting time, and she comes over with some matches, but, after about three attempts, she still can’t light all 9 candles. I get the long-reach lighter back out and light the rest of the candles, then put it back up near the top of the pantry.

After cake, I see the matches left there on the counter and turn ragey.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

your fault. If you did your job  and stood in the path of the wind blowing out the candles, she would've gotten them on the first try and the matches would've been placed back to the safe spot where they are...........which is probably in the drawer of the island. 

Edited by MNLonghornFUKM
Posted
16 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Help me solve a debate.  And, if I'm wrong, I will readily admit it to my wife.

Long story short.  I said something about being part Scottish.  I've made jokes about her Scottish heritage before, so this was kind of surprising to her.  She replied, "Oh you're part Scottish now?"  I said that, being predominantly of European heritage, I'm probably part every nationality of Europe and that she is as well.  She then began to argue that her sister went all the way back to 1032 on some genealogy site and they had no ancestors from Eastern Europe.  

My claim is that this would be damn near impossible.  She admits to Scottish, Irish, English, and German.  I said going back 10 generations would add up to 1, 012 direct ancestors - 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great, etc...  And that going back to 1032 would be around 30 generations.  I'm not even sure what that number would be but, considering that going back doubles the number of direct ancestors each generation AS WELL AS shrinks the world (fewer people), that there's no way none of them aren't from Eastern Europe.  

What say you?

I say you're wrong and you know gotdamn well she already thinks that.  If you really want to make it interesting, bet a blowjob on it.

Posted
Help me solve a debate.  And, if I'm wrong, I will readily admit it to my wife.
Long story short.  I said something about being part Scottish.  I've made jokes about her Scottish heritage before, so this was kind of surprising to her.  She replied, "Oh you're part Scottish now?"  I said that, being predominantly of European heritage, I'm probably part every nationality of Europe and that she is as well.  She then began to argue that her sister went all the way back to 1032 on some genealogy site and they had no ancestors from Eastern Europe.  
My claim is that this would be damn near impossible.  She admits to Scottish, Irish, English, and German.  I said going back 10 generations would add up to 1, 012 direct ancestors - 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great, etc...  And that going back to 1032 would be around 30 generations.  I'm not even sure what that number would be but, considering that going back doubles the number of direct ancestors each generation AS WELL AS shrinks the world (fewer people), that there's no way none of them aren't from Eastern Europe.  
What say you?

I think the drastic rate of intermingling of ancestry is relatively new.

Very possible she is correct.
Posted
52 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

I say you're wrong and you know gotdamn well she already thinks that.  If you really want to make it interesting, bet a blowjob on it.

Who does he have to blow if he loses?

Posted
1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Thanks for the laughs.  I was just going purely on numbers.  Kind of like how you are more likely than not to share a birthday with 23 other random people in a room.

giphy.gif

Is this legit?

Posted

It is.  I didn't write the sentence very well.  It's supposed to state that, in a room with 23 people, you have a better than 50/50 chance of at least two people sharing a birthday.    Binomial coefficient.  (23/2) = 23X22/2 = 253 pairs of birthdays in 365 days.

  • Like 1
Posted
43 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

It is.  I didn't write the sentence very well.  It's supposed to state that, in a room with 23 people, you have a better than 50/50 chance of at least two people sharing a birthday.    Binomial coefficient.  (23/2) = 23X22/2 = 253 pairs of birthdays in 365 days.

Are you a great big fat person

  • Haha 1
Posted
17 hours ago, Bud Davis said:

Mine needed directions. I told her the intersection and she was clueless. Didnt matter that she has been to this shopping center 3 weeks in a row. I repeated the intersection. It then hit her, the same center as a donut shop she likes. She told me I should speak to her in donut.

You were just given license to not speak to her or listen to her for am indeterminate period of time. 

TAKE. THE. WIN.

Posted
On 6/2/2018 at 6:50 PM, Knoxtnhorn said:

Help me solve a debate.  And, if I'm wrong, I will readily admit it to my wife.

Long story short.  I said something about being part Scottish.  I've made jokes about her Scottish heritage before, so this was kind of surprising to her.  She replied, "Oh you're part Scottish now?"  I said that, being predominantly of European heritage, I'm probably part every nationality of Europe and that she is as well.  She then began to argue that her sister went all the way back to 1032 on some genealogy site and they had no ancestors from Eastern Europe.  

My claim is that this would be damn near impossible.  She admits to Scottish, Irish, English, and German.  I said going back 10 generations would add up to 1, 012 direct ancestors - 2 parents, 4 grandparents, 8 great, etc...  And that going back to 1032 would be around 30 generations.  I'm not even sure what that number would be but, considering that going back doubles the number of direct ancestors each generation AS WELL AS shrinks the world (fewer people), that there's no way none of them aren't from Eastern Europe.  

What say you?

Based on the information that you have, there is no way to know with any degree of certainty whether your wife has any Easter European ancestry.  So neither of you can be right.  You are right about the math, but the math doesn't take into account key variables, like the rate of intermixing of Eastern Europeans with Western Europeans since the beginning of time.  I think 23 and Me and those things are bullshit too, so you aren't going to get any answers there either.

Posted
21 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Thanks for the laughs.  I was just going purely on numbers.  Kind of like how you are more likely than not to share a birthday with 23 other random people in a room.

Yeah, that's not how that works.

  • Like 1
Posted

I think I corrected myself on the previous page.  It's not that a specific individual would share a birthday in a room of 23; it's that, in a room of 23, at least 2 people would share a birthday.  Big difference and originally mistakenly written on my part.

+ rep to ShaggyBevoRip for being able to recall my fragility from the previous site.

Posted
On 6/3/2018 at 8:21 AM, slorch said:

That’s why we have 2 TVs.  She can Hallmark and HGTV all the hell she wants to.

I’m watching sports, History Channel, and series like Billions or GoT.

 

We will watch the living hell outta Astros and NFL Sundays together though, which had you asked me when we first got married, I would have said , “Never happen in a million years.”

Life throws you a good curve every once in a while...

Yeah, I lucked on this one as well. My wife new virtually nothing about baseball when we met, As in, I remember explaining what a double play was on one of our dates. Then this weekend, Tocci (Rangers) was in the line up after being the DL, I was wondering why and she reminded me that he was a rule 5 draft so that couldn't send him down tot he minors. 

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