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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18819

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1 hour ago, SuperSport said:

Me: I'm not terribly worried about us losing our jobs, but there's a lot of uncertainty right now so anything's possible.  Plus with a baby on the way, we need to be smart with our money...spend wisely, no frivolous purchases, etc.

Her: I completely understand.

...

Her: After my car is paid off this year, I think I'm gonna trade it in for a Range Rover.

 

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tbone_

tbone_ 14121

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I went to Costco yesterday and got stuff we needed. Also got some jeans and shorts that looked appealing. But you never know with Costco until you get home and try them on. Turns out they fit so I’m gonna go back and get a couple more of each before they are gone forever.

 

Her: nice long lecture on going to Costco and how she’s worried about me leaving the house so much.

 

(I’ve been to Costco once. I go to the office for sanity but I am always the only one there)

 

Me: ....

 

Text received at the office an hour later: If you do go to Costco can you pick up some xyz and abc?

 

 

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luke duke

luke duke 6413

Posted
Posted





One that just got a text from her husband who really needed an answer right away.

My wife is always sending me a text saying something like...

Her: "Can you pick up some creamer for my coffee? I'm out. "

(2 seconds later)

Me: "Ok. I'm at the store now. What flavor do you want?"

(5 minutes later)

Me: ???

(5 minutes later)

Me: Hello?

(5 minutes later)

I try calling 3 times.

Me: "I'm ready to checkout. You're not answering your phone."

(Finally I grab French Vanilla and checkout. I'm halfway home and then 30 minutes after her text...)

Her: "Sorry. Peppermint Mocha."

Me: "Too late now. I got you something else."


I would accuse you of fucking my wife, but she doesn’t drink coffee.
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wd40

wd40 1976

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Posted

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

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SuperSport

SuperSport 1333

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, nnm said:

Way to stimulate the economy. Nothing says “I support my local mechanic” like a British car. Unless maybe an Italian or French car. 

No shit. I turn my own wrenches, but I'm a GM acolyte where everything works the same and parts are cheap/available. Price tag is one thing, but Euro maintenance costs scare the fuck out of me. And if you have to ask, blah blah blah...

28 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Too bad. Those are the ones with the uncomfortable ride and electrical gremlins.  Poor luck, that. 

Feel free to tell her, I'm sure she'll change her mind. I'll be here holding my breath.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9381

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20 minutes ago, wd40 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

Seems like an awful lot of rules just to get some shit from the store.

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Nivek

Nivek 16928

Posted
Posted
20 hours ago, wd40 said:

I do most of the grocery shopping.  it's the only way we can have enough ingredients in the house to piece together any kind of meal.  in this regard, there are modes of communication that are time-sensitive.   the rules are:

email:   not urgent, maybe planning dinner for the weekend.  she likes sending random recipes to my work email (knowing I will forward it home before I read it, but whatever).

text:  kinda urgent.  I may be on the way to the store, or about to leave, and I'm not waiting around for her to intermittently search for the recipe between fb sessions and whatever else grabs her attention.

voice:  I'm at the fucking store.  I am not browsing, I am buying.  get in, get out is my MO.  a single text buzz in my pocket may go unnoticed, so you better make the most noise possible if you need something before I leave.

simple, right?  apparently not.

Agreed. call for immediate response.  Texting/email is for whenever I feel like it.

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 5975

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Not sure where to put this, but I just got my wife pretty good.

She had just posted a picture on Facebook of our youngest, on our bed, doing a Google Meet with some of his classmates.   The majority of her current FB friends are other teachers in the district and childhood friends from TN.  When she wasn't looking, I put a bottle of lube and a condom on the night stand, behind where my son was working.  I then hurried into the bedroom to let her know that the picture is great - especially with the lube and condom on the background.  She immediately looks at the night stand and sees the goods.  You should have heard her yell.  It was awesome. 

 

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2221

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Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

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nnm

nnm 36393

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Posted
21 minutes ago, UT_OB1 said:

Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

Get yourself a handle of peanut butter whisky and keep us updated. 

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blacklab

blacklab 11928

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Our house is on the side of a hill and has doors on the first and second floors to the outside. I told the wife I had an interview at 9:30 so please don't come down to the first floor till I tell you I'm done. She says no problem, and tells me to lock the door from the second to first floor to make sure the kids don't come downstairs.

9:50 she's unlocking the front door to come in to get something.

 

 

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2221

Posted
Posted

Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 

To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3724

Posted
Posted
Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 
To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 
We are going to need pics and a little more details on the endeavor.
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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11758

Posted
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27 minutes ago, hullabelew said:
1 hour ago, UT_OB1 said:
Checking in alive. 1 hour of work ironing and taping trash bags together, 5 minutes filling it with water, 30 seconds being underwhelmed while it leaks water. 
 
To be fair, she’s just trying to break up the monotony of staying at home. 

We are going to need pics and a little more details on the endeavor.

not to mention a more accurate description on what the fuck she is using it for

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2221

Posted
Posted (edited)
55 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Pinterest slip n slide

I think this is correct unless someone knows what the fuck a water mat (bag?) is. Also could have just been a trial run to make sure blood didn’t leak out. And hell no it isn’t inside. 

Edited by UT_OB1
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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14920

Posted
Posted
Not sure where to put this, but I just got my wife pretty good.
She had just posted a picture on Facebook of our youngest, on our bed, doing a Google Meet with some of his classmates.   The majority of her current FB friends are other teachers in the district and childhood friends from TN.  When she wasn't looking, I put a bottle of lube and a condom on the night stand, behind where my son was working.  I then hurried into the bedroom to let her know that the picture is great - especially with the lube and condom on the background.  She immediately looks at the night stand and sees the goods.  You should have heard her yell.  It was awesome. 
 


Condom? Wife?

Confused.
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thunderlounge

thunderlounge 7825

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

water tank GIF

 

Off topic, but the original flex seal shit works. I dunno about sealing a screen door in a boat, but for stopping a minor leak or sealing something else, I was surprised it was actually worked really well. Enough that I now make sure to have a tube on hand.

 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
46 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

 

Off topic, but the original flex seal shit works. I dunno about sealing a screen door in a boat, but for stopping a minor leak or sealing something else, I was surprised it was actually worked really well. Enough that I now make sure to have a tube on hand.

 

shooting star GIF

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