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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Not a cat

Not a cat 5655

Posted
Posted
On 3/27/2020 at 3:35 PM, blacklab said:

Our house is on the side of a hill and has doors on the first and second floors to the outside. I told the wife I had an interview at 9:30 so please don't come down to the first floor till I tell you I'm done. She says no problem, and tells me to lock the door from the second to first floor to make sure the kids don't come downstairs.

9:50 she's unlocking the front door to come in to get something.

 

 

Rage.

Stupid shit ex-wives do- I was painting the back porch steps and asked my then wife to please not let the dogs out and even explained why. 

First time she let them out to walk through wet paint I was exasperated, second time I was genuinely pissed, third time I just about lost my shit.  No, this is not what led to the divorce, but damn if that wasn't a sign I should have cut my losses.

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elfenix

elfenix 34238

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

whatever sporting event i put on TV- football, baseball, hockey, UFC...anything...

her- Is that right now?

Me:

 

spacer.png

you should put on something like the 1975 world series with ancient graphics and grainy smudged footage

 

also, imgur does not work here

Edited by elfenix
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Nolacycling

Nolacycling 893

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Posted

Not really hard to figure why this thread leads the pack during this time of self derangement. 

Open the fridge to find two used teabags wallowing in a cup after making Sun tea. 

Me, "why two?"

Her, "well next time, I add a new one".

Me, " uh, ok"

Do you young guys see what I did there?

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4976

Posted
Posted
On 3/27/2020 at 1:16 PM, UT_OB1 said:

Well we don’t have a Wives about to murder thread so I’ll just put this here. 
 

wife came in and asked me where the duct tape is. I answer and go about my business. 
10 minutes later I hear something going on in living room. Go in to look. She’s got trash bags laid out and is taping them together. 
 

I’ve locked myself in the bathroom. It was nice knowing you assholes. 

Not everyone can own a tiger shelter.

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2221

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

Status check on OB1.  

 

Well she admitted the reason she hasn’t been frisky at all the last 4 weeks is because she’s afraid it will increase the chances she (or possibly me, but mostly her because I still go to work half time) will get the corona virus. So odds are good one of us is ending up in that fucking bag before this is over. 

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Posted
Anyone else have a spouse who just can't seem to grasp that if you open a cabinet or drawer, just go ahead and close that mother fucker when your done.
 
In the bathroom this morning....
I don't know how that was hanging in there without falling on the floor. b6cb7f56a7a72a1cddac0992782a25eb.jpg
 
 

You also haven’t flipped the calendar in 6 days
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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6649

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My wife is a got dammed legend for taking the lid off of something / unwrapping / unboxing it, dropping that on the counter & walking off without putting it in the recycling / trash / whatever.  Like, unscrew the cap from orange juice & peel off the seal, then eventually putting the OJ back in the fridge but the seal just sits there on the counter.

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ABSR

ABSR 5311

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Posted
38 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife is a got dammed legend for taking the lid off of something / unwrapping / unboxing it, dropping that on the counter & walking off without putting it in the recycling / trash / whatever.  Like, unscrew the cap from orange juice & peel off the seal, then eventually putting the OJ back in the fridge but the seal just sits there on the counter.

Mine will leave both the seal and the OJ out.  It's like they are invisible to her.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, UT_OB1 said:

Well she admitted the reason she hasn’t been frisky at all the last 4 weeks is because she’s afraid it will increase the chances she (or possibly me, but mostly her because I still go to work half time) will get the corona virus. So odds are good one of us is ending up in that fucking bag before this is over. 

Wow, that's quite the way to tell you she's been fuckin' around.

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RamjetFDO

RamjetFDO 10575

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Anyone else have a spouse who just can't seem to grasp that if you open a cabinet or drawer, just go ahead and close that mother fucker when your done.

You forgot "closing doors", "turning off light switches", etc.

... and yes, we're all married to her.

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3724

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Most things I find humor....this one, not so fucking much.   She decides, with the help of one of her friends, that shoes track in the RONA.  So we need to leave them in the garage or on the back porch.  Never mind that I always do this with the exception of some Red Wing slip ons that I put on when I take the dog out/get mail/take out trash.  They stay next to the back door.  Meanwhile, she usually has at least 4 pairs of shoes in the kitchen.  All over the fucking place.....

So, I open the garage door.  Two steps down.   WHAM.  Sprained/maybe broken ankle.  Fell over her shoes she put right in the middle of the first fucking step.  

Her:  What happened?
Me:  I fell over your shoes?  Why did you put them right in the middle of the steps?
Her:  I want to leave shoes in the garage.  Remember?  WHAT?  You didn't see them?  

Fuck me.  Why the fuckity fuck would you put ANYTHING, right in the middle of the steps.  

She bitched at me one time when she twisted her ankle in the yard.  "You need to fill in the backyard.  Make it level."

 

I'm sitting on the couch now,..ice on my ankle, watching Forensic Files reruns...and taking copious notes.  

 

Edited by hullabelew
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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45681

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, RamjetFDO said:

You forgot "closing doors", "turning off light switches", etc.

... and yes, we're all married to her.

Yup.  Since working from home I just do a periodic sweep of the downstairs for this stuff.  My personal favorite is less than 5 minutes after I finish the dishes she puts something else dirty in the sink.

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blacklab

blacklab 11928

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Most things I find humor....this one, not so fucking much.   She decides, with the help of one of her friends, that shoes track in the RONA.  So we need to leave them in the garage or on the back porch.  Never mind that I always do this with the exception of some Red Wing slip ons that I put on when I take the dog out/get mail/take out trash.  They stay next to the back door.  Meanwhile, she usually has at least 4 pairs of shoes in the kitchen.  All over the fucking place.....

So, I open the garage door.  Two steps down.   WHAM.  Sprained/maybe broken ankle.  Fell over her shoes she put right in the middle of the first fucking step.  

Her:  What happened?
Me:  I fell over your shoes?  Why did you put them right in the middle of the steps?
Her:  I want to leave shoes in the garage.  Remember?  WHAT?  You didn't see them?  

Fuck me.  Why the fuckity fuck would you put ANYTHING, right in the middle of the steps.  

She bitched at me one time when she twisted her ankle in the yard.  "You need to fill in the backyard.  Make it level."

 

I'm sitting on the couch now,..ice on my ankle, watching Forensic Files reruns...and taking copious notes.  

 

Reminds me of the time my wife yelled at me for leaving shoes "in the way" on the closet floor. This was in our old house, which had tiny closets that you couldn't walk into, so they weren't in the way of anything, and secondly they had been there for years, why are you yelling at me now about this.

A few minutes later I go into the bathroom and I count 4 pairs of shoes spread out across the floor, including in the path you'd walk on. I complain to her about it and she says she needs them there so they are easy to get to.

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luke duke

luke duke 6413

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Posted
Most things I find humor....this one, not so fucking much.   She decides, with the help of one of her friends, that shoes track in the RONA.  So we need to leave them in the garage or on the back porch.  Never mind that I always do this with the exception of some Red Wing slip ons that I put on when I take the dog out/get mail/take out trash.  They stay next to the back door.  Meanwhile, she usually has at least 4 pairs of shoes in the kitchen.  All over the fucking place.....
So, I open the garage door.  Two steps down.   WHAM.  Sprained/maybe broken ankle.  Fell over her shoes she put right in the middle of the first fucking step.  
Her:  What happened?
Me:  I fell over your shoes?  Why did you put them right in the middle of the steps?
Her:  I want to leave shoes in the garage.  Remember?  WHAT?  You didn't see them?  
Fuck me.  Why the fuckity fuck would you put ANYTHING, right in the middle of the steps.  
She bitched at me one time when she twisted her ankle in the yard.  "You need to fill in the backyard.  Make it level."
 
I'm sitting on the couch now,..ice on my ankle, watching Forensic Files reruns...and taking copious notes.  
 


You forgot to post the part where you threw the shoes over the fence or in the trash.
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Modessit

Modessit 5600

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Posted
You forgot "closing doors", "turning off light switches", etc.
... and yes, we're all married to her.
The other night someone broke into our house and turned on the dining room light and then somehow was able to lock the door behind them when they left.

I assume this is what happened because my wife assured me - quite loudly - that she did NOT leave the light on all night despite being the last one to bed.
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Penelope

Penelope 416

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Posted (edited)

Picture if you will, 6 Karens, stuck at home due to COVID-19. One Karen decides we should have a card night. So we’re playing spades, except I’m the only one who knows how to play spades. And somehow(amazingly) we get off topic and don’t actually play more than one hand. But, are able to have a 30 minute discussion about why you should or should not shove an egg up your crotch. It turns out, I’m in the minority, in thinking this is gross, disgusting, completely unhygienic,  and ridiculously stupid. I literally just kept repeating” That’s so gross why would you shove something up your crotch“ they kept repeating something something about building muscles. I said Keagle’s and don’t shove shit up your crotch. There was an actual nurse in our group, who explained how an egg up your crotch could help build muscles. And I tapped out. Submitted  For your amusement

Edited by Penelope
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workswithseed

workswithseed 2103

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Posted
2 minutes ago, Penelope said:

Picture if you will, 6 Karens, stuck at home due to COVID-19. One Karen decide so we should have a card night. So we’re playing spades, except I’m the only one who knows how to play spades. And somehow(amazingly) we get off topic and don’t actually play more than one hand. But, are able to have a 30 minute discussion about why you should or should not shove an egg up your crotch. It turns out, I’m in the minority, in thinking this is gross, disgusting, completely unhygienic,  and ridiculously stupid. I literally just kept repeating” That’s so gross why would you shove something up your crotch“ they kept repeating something something about building muscles. I said Keagle’s and don’t shove shit up your crotch. There was an actual nurse in our group, who explained how an egg up your crotch could help build muscles. And I tapped out. For your amusement

Are theses Karen's your wives, or friends who are wives.

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SilasCoade

SilasCoade 2622

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Posted
8 minutes ago, Penelope said:

Picture if you will, 6 Karens, stuck at home due to COVID-19. One Karen decides we should have a card night. So we’re playing spades, except I’m the only one who knows how to play spades. And somehow(amazingly) we get off topic and don’t actually play more than one hand. But, are able to have a 30 minute discussion about why you should or should not shove an egg up your crotch. It turns out, I’m in the minority, in thinking this is gross, disgusting, completely unhygienic,  and ridiculously stupid. I literally just kept repeating” That’s so gross why would you shove something up your crotch“ they kept repeating something something about building muscles. I said Keagle’s and don’t shove shit up your crotch. There was an actual nurse in our group, who explained how an egg up your crotch could help build muscles. And I tapped out. Submitted  For your amusement

You can say vagina here. Or pussy.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

Posted
Posted
11 minutes ago, Penelope said:

Picture if you will, 6 Karens, stuck at home due to COVID-19. One Karen decides we should have a card night. So we’re playing spades, except I’m the only one who knows how to play spades. And somehow(amazingly) we get off topic and don’t actually play more than one hand. But, are able to have a 30 minute discussion about why you should or should not shove an egg up your crotch. It turns out, I’m in the minority, in thinking this is gross, disgusting, completely unhygienic,  and ridiculously stupid. I literally just kept repeating” That’s so gross why would you shove something up your crotch“ they kept repeating something something about building muscles. I said Keagle’s and don’t shove shit up your crotch. There was an actual nurse in our group, who explained how an egg up your crotch could help build muscles. And I tapped out. Submitted  For your amusement

giphy.gif

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