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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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nnm

nnm 36416

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Uhmmm yeah, Gonna have to sort of disagree with you...I never liked the short hair but peak JLC had an extremely hot, definitely female body 

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/jamie-lee-curtis/

Note::  she’s never denied it, just like Craig James has never denied the allegation that he killed 5 hookers while at SMU. 

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JimmyRussels

JimmyRussels 14

Posted
Posted
7 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I like the way the line runs up the back of the stockings 

I always liked those kind of high heels too

Brings me back. Now this is my favorite thread on the entire internet. Enjoy everything that wasn’t going to happen to you , young lads. 
 

 

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45690

Posted
Posted
38 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife is the opposite on the lights. My office is the converted garage. I have to leave the light on in the kitchen/lr otherwise I have to walk through there in pitch black to where the light switch is. Every damn time she turns them all off 

You lucky bastard.

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52501

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife is the opposite on the lights. My office is the converted garage. I have to leave the light on in the kitchen/lr otherwise I have to walk through there in pitch black to where the light switch is. Every damn time she turns them all off 

You not have your phone with you for a light source?

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ABSR

ABSR 5315

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Modessit said:
14 hours ago, DCA_HORN said:
I know this has been covered but I'm watching the rose bowl, wide is cleaning before the maid comes tomorrow. I just don't get it.

Why the fuck are y'all bringing in the maid during a shelter-at-home order? Good luck with the Rona.

Yeah.  We canceled ours coming...but are paying them anyway.  We will be generous about this as long as I don't get laid off. 

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Lidig8r

Lidig8r 1873

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I like the way the line runs up the back of the stockings 

I always liked those kind of high heels too

And not black. Too contrived. Every woman thinks it must be black.

A very sheer nude stocking, or ivory.

Thank you.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54230

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife is the opposite on the lights. My office is the converted garage. I have to leave the light on in the kitchen/lr otherwise I have to walk through there in pitch black to where the light switch is. Every damn time she turns them all off 

Will Ferrell Reaction GIF

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nnm

nnm 36416

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

No, no, no, no, don't take 'em off.  Leave 'em on, leave 'em on.

Yeah, just like that.  A little more to the right, yeah.

Let’s just put the whole thing out there. 

 

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2223

Posted
Posted
On 3/31/2020 at 11:56 AM, UT_OB1 said:

Well she admitted the reason she hasn’t been frisky at all the last 4 weeks is because she’s afraid it will increase the chances she (or possibly me, but mostly her because I still go to work half time) will get the corona virus. So odds are good one of us is ending up in that fucking bag before this is over. 

We were watching tv and she asked me to massage her feet. Told her no I didn’t want to possibly infect her with virus. Apparently that wasn’t appreciated and she left and went to bed. Looks like I’m not getting laid tonight...oh wait. 

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Brew

Brew 3049

Posted
Posted
21 hours ago, Modessit said:
On 4/2/2020 at 9:02 PM, DCA_HORN said:
I know this has been covered but I'm watching the rose bowl, wide is cleaning before the maid comes tomorrow. I just don't get it.

Why the fuck are y'all bringing in the maid during a shelter-at-home order? Good luck with the Rona.

House still needs cleaning doesn’t it? It’s not like my wife and 2 teenage kids could take care of it or anything.

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Francisco 2.0

Francisco 2.0 32395

Posted
Posted
On 4/1/2020 at 10:45 PM, Llogg said:

You can say vagina here. Or pussy.

 

On 4/1/2020 at 11:38 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:


Or even cunt

 

On 4/1/2020 at 11:41 PM, Pato del Muerto said:

Ham wallet or cock holster. There’s really no reason to be so repetitive.  Many choices. 

 

On 4/1/2020 at 11:43 PM, rage-a-holic said:

Axe. Wound.

 

On 4/2/2020 at 1:58 AM, mulletpelini said:

meat sleeve

 

All good suggestions.  I also like hate ditch.  

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, markstanco said:
6 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:
She turned you into a stepford husband?

Na, funny joke from a few weeks back concerning laundry detergent. I was cleaning out the garage today and this made me chuckle.

I remember, I was trying to suggest that she somehow flipped it on you and now you're hoarding stuff. (Swing and a miss on that joke)

 

I loved that she filled in the new empty space with additional detergent almost immediately.

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Buzzrock

Buzzrock 14921

Posted
Posted

Fucking hell. I don’t even know where to begin.

We just had our biggest fight of the ‘Rona because she tricked the family into going to the other side of the neighborhood to get pictures with some booger eating neighborhood kid in a bunny suit. They had some dweeb photographer and his assistant taking pics with a FUCKING IPAD.

I thought we were getting in the car to go look at Easter eggs that all the families had put in the windows of their houses. So we roll up and I told the kids “don’t touch anything and stay six feet away”. She proceeds to say “Why don’t you kids climb on that bench with the bunny?” Which I told the kids not to do. We take one picture of us standing together six feet from bunny boy. Then she stands shoulder to shoulder with this photo assistant lady giving her all our info.

Back in the car and I’m fuming. She says “Why are you so mad? Aren’t you always telling me to remain calm?” I explained, as calmly as I could, that what she had just done was a totally unnecessary risk and not smart. At all.

So she wheels back into the driveway in a huff and yells “THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY!” At all of us.

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nnm

nnm 36416

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

Fucking hell. I don’t even know where to begin.

We just had our biggest fight of the ‘Rona because she tricked the family into going to the other side of the neighborhood to get pictures with some booger eating neighborhood kid in a bunny suit. They had some dweeb photographer and his assistant taking pics with a FUCKING IPAD.

I thought we were getting in the car to go look at Easter eggs that all the families had put in the windows of their houses. So we roll up and I told the kids “don’t touch anything and stay six feet away”. She proceeds to say “Why don’t you kids climb on that bench with the bunny?” Which I told the kids not to do. We take one picture of us standing together six feet from bunny boy. Then she stands shoulder to shoulder with this photo assistant lady giving her all our info.

Back in the car and I’m fuming. She says “Why are you so mad? Aren’t you always telling me to remain calm?” I explained, as calmly as I could, that what she had just done was a totally unnecessary risk and not smart. At all.

So she wheels back into the driveway in a huff and yells “THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY!” At all of us.
 

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workswithseed

workswithseed 2109

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

Fucking hell. I don’t even know where to begin.

We just had our biggest fight of the ‘Rona because she tricked the family into going to the other side of the neighborhood to get pictures with some booger eating neighborhood kid in a bunny suit. They had some dweeb photographer and his assistant taking pics with a FUCKING IPAD.

I thought we were getting in the car to go look at Easter eggs that all the families had put in the windows of their houses. So we roll up and I told the kids “don’t touch anything and stay six feet away”. She proceeds to say “Why don’t you kids climb on that bench with the bunny?” Which I told the kids not to do. We take one picture of us standing together six feet from bunny boy. Then she stands shoulder to shoulder with this photo assistant lady giving her all our info.

Back in the car and I’m fuming. She says “Why are you so mad? Aren’t you always telling me to remain calm?” I explained, as calmly as I could, that what she had just done was a totally unnecessary risk and not smart. At all.

So she wheels back into the driveway in a huff and yells “THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY!” At all of us.
 

When y'all get the Rona, just tell at her that she ruined 2 weeks of y'alls lives.

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Iceman

Iceman 2713

Posted
Posted (edited)
15 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Fucking hell. I don’t even know where to begin.

We just had our biggest fight of the ‘Rona because she tricked the family into going to the other side of the neighborhood to get pictures with some booger eating neighborhood kid in a bunny suit. They had some dweeb photographer and his assistant taking pics with a FUCKING IPAD.

I thought we were getting in the car to go look at Easter eggs that all the families had put in the windows of their houses. So we roll up and I told the kids “don’t touch anything and stay six feet away”. She proceeds to say “Why don’t you kids climb on that bench with the bunny?” Which I told the kids not to do. We take one picture of us standing together six feet from bunny boy. Then she stands shoulder to shoulder with this photo assistant lady giving her all our info.

Back in the car and I’m fuming. She says “Why are you so mad? Aren’t you always telling me to remain calm?” I explained, as calmly as I could, that what she had just done was a totally unnecessary risk and not smart. At all.

So she wheels back into the driveway in a huff and yells “THANKS FOR RUINING MY DAY!” At all of us.
 

Not my wife, but her niece puts out a post on FB asking what to do for her 11 year old daughter for Easter.

I said, "Put her on a cross."

 

It was not well received in our living room.  It's not like I typed it and put her on blast, it was just the first think that came to mind.  I mean who the fuck asks that?n Just look in the manual for "Easter during CV Plague..."

Edited by Iceman
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hullabelew

hullabelew 3724

Posted
Posted

I'm with you @Buzzrock.  My wife goes completely overboard in one area with this shit....Gotta stay safe....don't bring that in the house, leave your shoes in the garage, leave your clothes in the garage...take a shower every time you go out..../

Just now...she goes outside to pick up the mail.  Brings a box in.....sets in on the cutting board on the center island, opens it with a fucking kitchen knife, puts the knife back on the wall, unpacks the box of batteries that came from China, and sites is all on the fucking cutting board.  

Me:  "How many people do you think have handled that box since it left China?"
Her:  "The mailman was wearing gloves"
Me:  "Me...ok.  Nevermind."  

And don't get me started on believing every thing she reads...no matter the source.  "Have you look at the CDC site?"   Meh....you can't trust what they say.

Yesterday, she was on some Zoom meeting with her Sunday school class.  I quit long ago because I can't stand the people in there.  I heard one lady actually say, "The pour high school kids don't get to have prom.   That just isn't right."    Fuck Me.  

 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
26 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

I'm with you @Buzzrock.  My wife goes completely overboard in one area with this shit....Gotta stay safe....don't bring that in the house, leave your shoes in the garage, leave your clothes in the garage...take a shower every time you go out..../

Just now...she goes outside to pick up the mail.  Brings a box in.....sets in on the cutting board on the center island, opens it with a fucking kitchen knife, puts the knife back on the wall, unpacks the box of batteries that came from China, and sites is all on the fucking cutting board.  

Me:  "How many people do you think have handled that box since it left China?"
Her:  "The mailman was wearing gloves"
Me:  "Me...ok.  Nevermind."  

And don't get me started on believing every thing she reads...no matter the source.  "Have you look at the CDC site?"   Meh....you can't trust what they say.

Yesterday, she was on some Zoom meeting with her Sunday school class.  I quit long ago because I can't stand the people in there.  I heard one lady actually say, "The pour high school kids don't get to have prom.   That just isn't right."    Fuck Me.  

 

I'm willing to travel around and sexually disappoint the seniors that have turned 18 so that they don't miss out on that part of prom.

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Droopy

Droopy 2626

Posted
Posted

Let me begin this with the fact that I should have asked more questions prior to purchasing. I know this, but we are both working from home due to virus. Still, I should have asked more questions. For your consideration.

 

Wife (Teacher): Hey, we need to make sure that the printer in the office is working. (Third request) Does it still work? Can I print to it?

Me: I believe it's out of ink and not really sure that the computer it was tied to is even serviceable. 

Wife: Well we need a printer, so I can print stuff out.

Me: Ok. I'll look around and see what's available and get us one we can you for work and home.

Cut to...

Me: Hey, I ordered a printer for us and it will be delivered tomorrow. So, you should be able to print whatever you need out by tomorrow. Cool?

Wife: Ok, I don't need to print anything.

Me: (Confused look on my face) I thought you said you needed to print something out. That's why I got a printer shipped to us tomorrow.

Wife: I just meant that it would be a good idea to have a printer in case we wanted to print something out. I like to print things out from work and write on them. Notes and stuff.

Me: You talking about the PDF you're looking at? It has an edit feature and will allow you to comment and add notes to it.

Wife: I like to print it out. Like this note pad I have here, i like to take notes on it. (show legal size note pad with notes)

Me: Why did I just purchase a printer then if you are just taking notes on a note pad? Can't you just use that?!?

Wife: Yeah, but I like to print out the page so I have it. (Looking confused) Can't you use it too? 

Me: ...yes, I guess I can. SMDH

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