Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[mulletpelini 5,211]

it's full of electrolytes 

[Buzzrock 14,918]

We all do bro. We ALL do. Every birthday, Christmas, fathers day, mothers day, arbor day is an excuse to get a coffee cup with a cute saying on it. 
FWIW, I'm the Worlds Best Dad 18 years running, so back the fuck off.

Me and my tshirt are coming for your title:



Two nights ago ten or so neighborhood moms decided to have a socially distanced street social. It was getting down to 35° so I got the fire pit and built them a nice fire and left them a ton of firewood.

Which they completely ignored and let the fire burn out and then complained about it.

[tbone_ 14,118]

Outstanding.

But why weren’t you out there with your guitar?

[HornOnTheBayou 8,921]

1 hour ago, Buzzrock said:

Two nights ago ten or so neighborhood moms decided to have a socially distanced street social. It was getting down to 35° so I got the fire pit and built them a nice fire and left them a ton of firewood.

 

Dammit, the F5 button on my computer is obviously not working.

[Pato del Muerto 52,490]

29 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Outstanding.

But why weren’t you out there with your guitar?

Because his wife was there, so no chance of luring some dirty leg out of the neighborhood milfs. 

[Chewbacca 7,774]

Me and my tshirt are coming for your title:



Two nights ago ten or so neighborhood moms decided to have a socially distanced street social. It was getting down to 35° so I got the fire pit and built them a nice fire and left them a ton of firewood.

Which they completely ignored and let the fire burn out and then complained about it.

Should have put Ed in charge

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,905]

Because his wife was there, so no chance of luring some dirty leg out of the neighborhood milfs. 

Don’t they have bushes in his neighborhood?

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

1 hour ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

 Don’t the ladies in your neighborhood have bushes? in his neighborhood?

?

[wd40 1,976]

anyone else's wife unable (or unwilling) to make the connection between the concepts of "Where Things Can Be Found" and "Where Things Go"?  I've learned to deal with it, for the most part. it's the borrowing of my tools that grinds my gears.

I will say she's figured out how to put away her personal yard tools.  yay. she bought herself a set of mildly useful Ryobi cordless gadgets because she doesn't like swinging my heavier gas powered trimmer and blower, and doesn't approve of the frequency with which I choose to use them.  she hangs those back up without fail.  and her chargers have taken over my workbench.

on the otherhand, I no longer have to patch extension cords, which she liked to nick with the hedge trimmer, and she's shaved about 2 minutes off my edging time.  so there's that.

Thanks.  I feel better.

[Nivek 16,923]

Yes. My wife loses the tv remotes and then tries to justify it as hiding it from the kid.

She leaves gardening stuff, shovels, rakes, outside.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

Mrs CL is PISSED that HEB curbside does not have all of the organic gourmet ingredients that she wants to cook with. Because, you know, it's not like supply chains are stressed or anything. You'd think the unavailability of frozen puff pastry, canned organic tomatoes, and ham hocks would be something we could easily deal with. But of course not. 

And somehow it's my fault. As usual. 

Also she doesn't understand that the last minute 'add-ons' they allow count multiple quantities of the same thing separately. If I only get 10 items to add on, asking for 6 cans of cream of mushroom soup counts as 6 separate items. 

Also my fault. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

2 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

If I only get 10 items to add on, asking for 6 cans of cream of mushroom soup counts as 6 separate items. 

I get behind her in the 15 items or fewer line all the time.

[williemackgarza 1,826]

Also regarding the egg in (or actually coming out of) the cooch, anyone ever go to bachelor party in Houston when the Salad Sisters were doing their thing?

Miss trixxie in atx used to shoot the egg outta her “crotch”. Amongst other sundry items

[TrashMaster G 17,553]

17 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

Wife is cooking.......

Her:  Alexa, how many cups in a quart?

Alexa: A quart contains four cups.

Me: Babe- it’s really easy- quart, quarter gallon- 4 quarts to a gallon and then a cup is also one quarter so 4 cups to a quart. 

Wife: Don’t try and fill up my brain. I don’t want anything else in here (pointing to temple). That’s what Alexa is for.

 

Hey Alexa, does my wife have a headache?

[Beau Vine 54,215]

On 3/21/2020 at 2:20 PM, Beau Vine said:

Wife decided that the next panic run we're going to have is on gas, so she went and filled both of our cars up.  I live a mile from my work and the last two months, I have driven once a week because of night class, so I have literally been driving 2 miles a week.  And now my car has 16+ gallons of gas in it, and at 30 MPG, that gas should last me about 6 months, which I'm sure is going to be really good for the engine.

Update: Since I posted this on 3/21, I have driven the car once, and gas is now $1.28 in SM.  

[TrashMaster G 17,553]

24 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Update: Since I posted this on 3/21, I have driven the car once, and gas is now $1.28 in SM.  

You don't appreciate her foresight, you insensitive bastard!

[hornbri 1,398]

wrong thread 

 

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by hornbri

[52-80 19,151]

6 hours ago, wd40 said:

anyone else's wife unable (or unwilling) to make the connection between the concepts of "Where Things Can Be Found" and "Where Things Go"?  I've learned to deal with it, for the most part. it's the borrowing of my tools that grinds my gears.

 

Regarding storage of goods around the house, It's not easy to simultaneously fulfill all 3 requirements of (1) practicality (2) aesthetics (3) logic/grouping.....but it's very easy for my wife to fail all 3 at once.

[HenryJames 66,048]

22 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

I don’t want anything else in here (pointing to temple).

[Buzzrock 14,918]

Outstanding.

But why weren’t you out there with your guitar?

Not with all those blithering biddies out there.

[Modessit 5,600]

Wife is cooking.......
Her:  Alexa, how many cups in a quart?
Alexa: A quart contains four cups.
Me: Babe- it’s really easy- quart, quarter gallon- 4 quarts to a gallon and then a cup is also one quarter so 4 cups to a quart. 
Wife: Don’t try and fill up my brain. I don’t want anything else in here (pointing to temple). That’s what Alexa is for.
 

Ask her who won The Bachelor last season.

[Nivek 16,923]

Update: Since I posted this on 3/21, I have driven the car once, and gas is now $1.28 in SM.  

Meh. I bought gas incase we opted to leave Houston.

[Beau Vine 54,215]

14 hours ago, wd40 said:

anyone else's wife unable (or unwilling) to make the connection between the concepts of "Where Things Can Be Found" and "Where Things Go"?

I literally don't think my wife has ever put something back where it's supposed to go.

It is so bad that at least twice a week, she'll be wandering aimlessly around the house and I'll ask what she's doing.

"I'm looking for X" she'll say.

And I'll say, "Do you know why you can't find X?"

And she'll say, "Because I didn't put it back where it's supposed to go the last time I used it."
 

Yet she still won't put things back when she'd done with them.

[thunderlounge 7,820]

On 4/12/2020 at 10:16 PM, Pato del Muerto said:

Because his wife was there, so no chance of luring some dirty leg out of the neighborhood milfs. 

 

Somebody needs to up their game then.

[Flg8rfan 201]

Goddammit, electrical storm is rolling through, I figured I’d be nice and ride it out in the living room with the dog that doesn’t do well with thunder (otherwise the wife won’t get any sleep).

I guess she needed a power strip for something and instead of grabbing one (of several) from the garage, she unplugs the one that goes to the couch, lamp, and a couple of other things from behind the entertainment center.

Now I’m pissed and there’s not much chance I’ll get any sleep after this little thing blows through.......

[Sam Lin 3,556]

What keeps you from grabbing one from the garage and plugging your shit back in?

[luke duke 6,413]

My friend’s wife:

 

 

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

No liquid smoke?

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

Please post the updated photos of that disaster! 

[Beau Vine 54,215]

4 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

What keeps you from grabbing one from the garage and plugging your shit back in?

Probably pretty dark in the house, Sam.

[Jerry Callo 8,700]

*Franklin

[EE2B 1,565]

Watching a Discovery channel show last night about otters and Bison.
7yo: What do Otters eat?
Me: Fish mainly, but they can also eat frogs, turtles, etc.
7yo: What do bison eat?
Wife: meat
Me: tommyleejones.jpg

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

That made me laugh. Imagine a carnivorous bison? That would have changed our expansion to the west...

[Flg8rfan 201]

What keeps you from grabbing one from the garage and plugging your shit back in?

It’s the principle of the matter ;-)

[G650 14,254]

10 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Imagine a carnivorous bison?

That's terrifying.

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

12 minutes ago, G650 said:

That's terrifying.

Tell him about the Twinkie.

[Dennis Taylor 18,814]

wife talking to 10th grader neighbor- Oh you're in FFA?

neighbor kid- yes maam. I raised a pig

wife- Oh do you know so-and-so? 

me- does he know a girl that's a junior in college now and went to a different high school? 

wife- she raised a pig too

neighbor kid- no maam I don't   

 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

19 hours ago, Modessit said:

On 4/12/2020 at 4:03 PM, Reagan1k said:

 

Ask her who won The Bachelor last season.

Win:  My wife doesn't watch (or like) that show or most reality TV.

Lose:  My wife watches (& likes) "The Nanny" (Fran Drescher as "Nanny Fine").

I don't know if I can take that as a wash.

[Kennythetiger 9,380]

At one time Fran kept herself in pretty good shape.  No idea now.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

14 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I literally don't think my wife has ever put something back where it's supposed to go.

It is so bad that at least twice a week, she'll be wandering aimlessly around the house and I'll ask what she's doing.

"I'm looking for X" she'll say.

And I'll say, "Do you know why you can't find X?"

And she'll say, "Because I didn't put it back where it's supposed to go the last time I used it."
 

Yet she still won't put things back when she'd done with them.

My wife is just as bad as the kids for putting something in a random spot that is relevant to where she is for time & place that she no longer has a need for it & then when needing said item cannot locate it.  I left a hammer in the bedroom on the cluttered dresser for probably 4 months just to see when she might recognize that it doesn't actually belong there.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

6 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

At one time Fran kept herself in pretty good shape.  No idea now.

Provided she doesn't actually talk like she did in the TV show (or simply shut TFU), I'd bang her current version just as much as I'd go after the then version.

[Upgrayedd 5,810]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Tell him about the Twinkie.

What about the Twinkie?

[wd40 1,976]

8 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

Provided she doesn't actually talk like she did in the TV show (or simply shut TFU), I'd bang her current version just as much as I'd go after the then version.

lunch-lady arms.  wnb

[CycleTex87 2,969]

7 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife is just as bad as the kids for putting something in a random spot that is relevant to where she is for time & place that she no longer has a need for it & then when needing said item cannot locate it.  I left a hammer in the bedroom on the cluttered dresser for probably 4 months just to see when she might recognize that it doesn't actually belong there.

Somewhat related:  We're getting by in the WFH atmosphere, but things are kind of jumbled.  We have a single file driveway, so the car in back is the one that gets driven.  It recently happened to be my wife's, and I needed my car from in front, which she had also most recently driven.  She moves her car into the street and is waiting for me to move mine.  I'm running around the house looking for my keys, which are in none of the places I usually put them, and I thought maybe I had misplaced them because WFH out of whackness.  After five minutes of this, she is annoyed at me for making her wait.  She comes back into the house, and I ask "Have you seen my keys?"  She's: "Oh, here they are, in my purse."

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

10 minutes ago, wd40 said:

lunch-lady arms.  wnb

You apparently haven't reached the age in your life where yes, you would.

[CycleTex87 2,969]

3 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

You apparently haven't reached the age in your life where yes, you would.

I have.

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

20 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

What about the Twinkie?

[wd40 1,976]

6 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

You apparently haven't reached the age in your life where yes, you would.

to each his own.  I'm just sayin' it's an indicator.  dollars to donuts, she needed a come-along to zip that dress.  could be dangerous to be in the same room.

[You don't know me 1,161]

28 minutes ago, wd40 said:

to each his own.  I'm just sayin' it's an indicator.  dollars to donuts, she needed a come-along to zip that dress.  could be dangerous to be in the same room.

and some wd40, amirite?

[Chewbacca 7,774]

What keeps you from grabbing one from the garage and plugging your shit back in?

Spite.