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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8,800

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2 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Wife just yelled at daughter for putting the broom somewhere she couldn’t find it. So I said, “Why, going somewhere?”

Points with daughter. No points with wife.

Hope you remember that pussy, because it may be a long, long time before you see it again.

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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5,810

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3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Wife just yelled at daughter for putting the broom somewhere she couldn’t find it. So I said, “Why, going somewhere?”

Points with daughter. No points with wife.

Follow up with “You’re just upset because a house fell on your sister” since your not going to be getting any anyway.

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UT_OB1

UT_OB1 2,218

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5 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Wife just yelled at daughter for putting the broom somewhere she couldn’t find it. So I said, “Why, going somewhere?”

Points with daughter. No points with wife.

Your wife fucking the broom?  I can’t think of any other reason mine would be looking for ours.

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EastTexan

EastTexan 662

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13 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Wife just yelled at daughter for putting the broom somewhere she couldn’t find it. So I said, “Why, going somewhere?”

Points with daughter. No points with wife.

Several years ago the wife and I were outside. Across the road is a pasture with several head of cattle. The guy runs a couple donkeys with the herd. One of the donkeys brays. I respond, "what did you say honey?"

 No child around to gain points, but son thought it was pretty funny when I told him later. I stressed to him to not bring it up to his Mom. Never!

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8,700

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11 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Follow up with “You’re just upset because a house fell on your sister” since your not going to be getting any anyway.

From last Spring:

Watching a soccer game the other night and it started to drizzle.  Daughter pulled out the umbrella and asked it my wife wanted under it.  My wife responded, "I'm not sugar, I won't melt."  Without skipping a beat, my daughter replied, "neither was the wicked witch."

Guess who got in trouble for laughing.

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8,800

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1 hour ago, Jerry Callo said:

From last Spring:

Watching a soccer game the other night and it started to drizzle.  Daughter pulled out the umbrella and asked it my wife wanted under it.  My wife responded, "I'm not sugar, I won't melt."  Without skipping a beat, my daughter replied, "neither was the wicked witch."

Guess who got in trouble for laughing.

Seems like a lot of our wives may have something in common.

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Hate

Hate 20,108

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46 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

Our first AND second microwaves have failed in the last five weeks. The second died this morning. Guess I gotta mask up and go appliance shopping.

This is a blessing in disguise.  You get to leave the house for at least a few hours.  Take a cooler with you.  Find a park to hang out with while maintaining proper social distancing and just sit back for a few hours.  Tell your wife there must have been a run on microwaves and that you had to go to at least 4 or 5 stores to find the one she wants.  Tell her that it was weird and frightening to be out in the real world with only a little mask to prevent you from catching your death, but you were willing to risk it so that she could re-heat leftovers.  Maybe you can turn this into some sexy time. 

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nnm

nnm 36,361

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36 minutes ago, NoName said:

I just read like a month's worth of this thread waiting for @Angry Gorilla's second set of reviews only to discover there were no follow ups posted!

Good point, @NoName.

 @Angry Gorilla, it’s time for a sequel. 

I’m sure you’ll find sponsors on here willing to send a handle to you as long as you’ll treat us to the rolling review. I’ll gladly step up, just send me a pm. 

Some suggestions:

1) Chocolate Whiskey: https://www.caskers.com/kings-county-chocolate-whiskey/

2) Piehole Whiskey, either Pecan Pie (https://drizly.com/liquor/whiskey/american-whiskey/piehole-pecan-pie-whiskey/p14878) or cherry pie (https://drizly.com/liquor/whiskey/canadian-whisky/piehole-cherry-pie-whiskey/p14880)

3) Pumpkin Spice Whiskey: http://solspirits.com/american-spirits-sol-seasonals-pumpkinspicewhiskey

4) Chipotle Whiskey: https://www.totalwine.com/spirits/american-whiskey/whiskey/rogue-farms-chipotle-whiskey/p/151143750

5) Cookies & Cream Whiskey:  https://www.theliquorbarn.com/ole-smoky-cookies-cream-750ml/

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Droopy

Droopy 2,626

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Why can't wives just answer a question without all the extra fucking bullshit that lead up to the answer. I just need the answer, not details surrounding the answer. 

Wife is a Teacher

Wife: <Something unintelligible> "...easier than paper copies...which is great."

Me: "Sorry, I didn't hear what you said. Can you repeat that?"

Wife: "Well, the girls and I were talking this morning about the online learning being a pain because we are having to completely learn a new way to reach our kids and being out of the classroom is posing new challenges with the class work and making sure they are getting their lessons completed and learning the material being presented. But, we do enjoy the grading process being much easier than having the paper copies. I can go through and finish each kid completely as opposed to just doing each assignment one at a time, which is great."

Me: Ok. So you what you said was "Online grading is easier than paper copies, which is great."?

Wife: Yeah.

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Johnny Sack

Johnny Sack 8,397

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On 4/16/2020 at 9:56 AM, Pogo said:

Am I the only one who owns a toaster oven?

Edit:  I'll bet I am the only one who's wife deemed it necessary for us to own 2 microwaves.

We bought a Breville toaster oven in December.  It has replaced the use of our ovens by about 95% and we tossed the toaster.  Love it.  Can do just about everything and doesn't turn the kitchen into a furnace.  Since quarantining I bet I used it 4 times a day for toasting bread for breakfast and for lunch sangwiches before we left for our ranch.  Wish I would have packed it.

Also great for frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets for the kids (which for us is maybe once a week).

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The Ace of Aces

The Ace of Aces 5,181

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Posted (edited)

Today Mrs. Ace successfully ran a Zoom meeting with 225 union members on the video call and elected new leadership, conducted new business and had nary a problem despite a lot of boomers having never used video conferencing. 

I was quite proud honestly, that was a big undertaking.

About an hour after the call she yelled at me from her office her desk lamp wasn’t working and why did I change the bulb to LED a week ago and I ruin everything I touch. 

I walk in, look at lamp, follow chord, see that it is unplugged and in the plug’s spot is her MacBook charger.

Guess who still is in trouble for changing a perfectly good lightbulb (that she forgets to turn off for days at a time, hence me finally changing it). 

Edited by The Ace of Aces
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HenryJames

HenryJames 66,041

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On 4/17/2020 at 3:49 PM, Johnny Sack said:

We bought a Breville toaster oven in December.  It has replaced the use of our ovens by about 95% and we tossed the toaster.  Love it.  Can do just about everything and doesn't turn the kitchen into a furnace.  Since quarantining I bet I used it 4 times a day for toasting bread for breakfast and for lunch sangwiches before we left for our ranch.  Wish I would have packed it.

Also great for frozen pizzas and chicken nuggets for the kids (which for us is maybe once a week).

Had one for years, and they work great for all kinds of stuff. 

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