Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

43 minutes ago, Sandman said:

We have a contractor coming over at noon to talk about our shower remodel, the time is 9:30 and I'm brushing my teeth.

Her: Did you go to the bathroom already?

Me: ....Yeah. Why?

H: Well, I closed the lid to the toilet, just so it looks better for when he comes over.

M: You know, I might have to use the toilet again in the next 2 and a half hours.

H: Haha, yeah I guess.

M: Also, I know how to raise and lower the lid without any help.

H: Laughing stops. Tone intensifies.

Have one of these installed in the new shower for easier waffle stomping. No need to worry about the lid anymore.

[Dennis Taylor 18,829]

17 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Have one of these installed in the new shower for easier waffle stomping. No need to worry about the lid anymore.

[Sandman 3,403]

1 hour ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

Shower remodel?  Sound like white people problems for sure.

The shower pan is leaking so the whole thing has to be torn out and redone. And I'm only 90% white, I think that means I get a pass or something? 4 acres and a chicken? Maybe mediterranean folks don't count.

[tbone_ 14,126]

Mine brushes her teeth in the shower. I don't get it, but whatever. 

Efficiency. Nothing wrong with that.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

Same here. I leave it running for tooth brushing, but only run it when necessary while shaving.  The inconsistency bothers me.

Spider-ManImyouyoureme.jpg

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Headed to SweetBerry Farms just the other side of Marble Falls.

Let the beatings commence.

Will report back if I survive / am not arrested.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[CycleTex87 2,970]

1 hour ago, Sandman said:

The shower pan is leaking so the whole thing has to be torn out and redone. And I'm only 90% white, I think that means I get a pass or something? 4 acres and a chicken? Maybe mediterranean folks don't count.

I got the same thing at my house.  Been that way for a while. The original builder screwed it up.  What’s your budget for that work?

[Texaus 377]

I grab an HVAC filter and head towards the attic pulldown to change the filter.   Wife follows me.  
Her:  I wish we had stairs to get into the attic.
Me:  We do.  You pull this string and the stairs come down.
Her:  not like that.  We just need stairs. 
Me:  Why.  I got up there once a month to change a filter.
Her:  It would be easier with stairs.  I'm looking for a place to put them.
Me:  So, you want to take up hall space or space out of one of the spare bedrooms, to use 12 times a year.  
(not even mentioning the lost heating and AC cost)
Her:  We could put them where the linen closet is.
Me:  Where are you going to put all of these towels.
Her:  In the attic!
Me:  (walking away with my head down, muttering to myself.....WHY, WHY did you fall into that fucking trap.  WHY!!!!!!)

You should outsmart her and install a media air cleaner on the unit. Only have to go up there once a year to change it and it filters better.

[Sandman 3,403]

1 hour ago, CycleTex87 said:

I got the same thing at my house.  Been that way for a while. The original builder screwed it up.  What’s your budget for that work?

About 3k. That includes the demo and a new floor for the bathroom and the area in front of the vanity. I've been told it's a good deal around these parts but WTF do I know?

[WhatTheBuck 28,783]

4 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Mine brushes her teeth in the shower. I don't get it, but whatever. 

She's not using that brush on her teeth. 

[Nivek 16,933]

Wife told me I had a problem with clutter and it might be a missing executive function within my brain after I mentioned that I needed to get better organized with respect to the school situation.  I walk over to re-organize the materials we have and then I noticed a box sitting there.  I had mistakenly thought it was school items my wife placed there. No, it was a box of shit she cleaned out of the drawers and dumped with the kid's school supplies.   

------------------------------------------------------------------

We also had a discussion about my teaching methods.  Apparently my methods are not working for her and I should try a different approach.  <5 minutes later she complains how the kids don't listen to her and asked me to help them get dressed.  I tell them, "get your clothes on" and the kids walk to their rooms and change from their PJs into day clothes.   

 

[Kennythetiger 9,386]

Now you made her look bad. Good luck with sex. 

[Modessit 5,603]

We have a contractor coming over at noon to talk about our shower remodel, the time is 9:30 and I'm brushing my teeth.
Her: Did you go to the bathroom already?
Me: ....Yeah. Why?
H: Well, I closed the lid to the toilet, just so it looks better for when he comes over.
M: You know, I might have to use the toilet again in the next 2 and a half hours.
H: Haha, yeah I guess.
M: Also, I know how to raise and lower the lid without any help.
H: Laughing stops. Tone intensifies.

Your wife allows the seat to be up when not in use if no strangers are visiting?

[mulletpelini 5,211]

What choice does she have?

12 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Mine brushes her teeth in the shower. I don't get it, but whatever. 

The question really is why she's using an electric toothbrush in there

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

8 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Now you made her look bad. Good luck with sex. 

He's married & has 2 school aged kids (assuming elementary, re: "PJ's"... why do you assume he's having any sex?

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

I survived.

Surprisingly, no hassles other than the strawberries were quite small & there was a plethora of people carrying masks around or had them draped around their necks, i.e. zero functionality.

My daughter bumped into a friend who used to go to school here in Drip & she now lives in Georgia... but has been "in school" back here @ her Grandmosther's for the last 2 weeks.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,819]

My wife is generally pretty good about not bothering me when I’m in my home office on a teams or zoom meeting and have the door closed.  Otherwise she ignores the fact that I’m working, on especially if I leave the doors open and just barges in and starts talking about whatever.  I’m trying a new strategy this week.  Recording  my first couple hours of meetings and saving them.  Now when I want some uninterrupted time, I’m going to say “I have a meeting now”.  Then I’ll go close the doors and play a recorded meeting on my phone while I look at porn on my laptop.

Edited April 26, 2020 by Judge Roybeanbag

[Dennis Taylor 18,829]

57 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

My wife is generally pretty good about not bothering me when I’m in my home office on a teams or zoom meeting and have the door closed.  Otherwise she ignores the fact that I’m working, on especially if I leave the doors open and just barges in and starts talking about whatever.  I’m trying a new strategy this week.  Recording  my first couple hours of meetings and saving them.  Now when I want some uninterrupted time, I’m going to say “I have a meeting now”.  Then I’ll go close the doors and play a recorded meeting on my phone while I look at porn on my laptop.

[Fudge Nuggets 19,190]

On 4/23/2020 at 4:02 PM, Kennythetiger said:

Yoga pants, you say??

I don’t know, man.  The subset of women that wear yoga pants but don’t do yoga can be less than desirable. 

[El Diablo 4,232]

I thought the lid on a toilet was only there to be used as a seat. People close the toilet when they're not using it?

[DCA_HORN 725]

Wife told me I had a problem with clutter and it might be a missing executive function within my brain after I mentioned that I needed to get better organized with respect to the school situation.  I walk over to re-organize the materials we have and then I noticed a box sitting there.  I had mistakenly thought it was school items my wife placed there. No, it was a box of shit she cleaned out of the drawers and dumped with the kid's school supplies.   
------------------------------------------------------------------
We also had a discussion about my teaching methods.  Apparently my methods are not working for her and I should try a different approach.   

It's not clutter if its shoved into a drawer or closet apparently. Ymmv

[Dennis Taylor 18,829]

A group of moms of football players organized one of those drive-by caravan birthday parties for one of my son's teammates today. I didn't want to go but could tell there would be tension between my son and my wife so decided to go at the last minute in order to be a buffer.  

I guess the lack of interaction (other than Facebook and texts) with the other busybody moms really had the wife on edge and she was obsessed with seeing what other moms were there, making sure that they waved at each other, etc. We pull into the meeting spot at an elementary school parking lot and she just goes into sensory overload...it was like when Will Ferrell finally gets into The Roxbury and can't stop saying "What's up " . We had been there for 5 minutes already and I realized she hadn't even put the car in park, even though there was a curb in front of us and she'd have to back up to leave. Much tone for me when that was pointed out to her. 

I'm convinced there is a PhD for the person that could do Jane Goodall-style research on the social structure and interaction of the sports mom pack. 

 

[Anastasis 23,472]

4 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

My wife is generally pretty good about not bothering me when I’m in my home office on a teams or zoom meeting and have the door closed.  Otherwise she ignores the fact that I’m working, on especially if I leave the doors open and just barges in and starts talking about whatever.  I’m trying a new strategy this week.  Recording  my first couple hours of meetings and saving them.  Now when I want some uninterrupted time, I’m going to say “I have a meeting now”.  Then I’ll go close the doors and play a recorded meeting on my phone while I look at porn on my laptop.

Jesus. I’ve been working from home for 10 years and never thought of this. 

[Judge Roybeanbag 11,819]

9 minutes ago, Anastasis said:

Jesus. I’ve been working from home for 10 years and never thought of this. 

I achieved this lofty station in life by being an extremely devious asshole.

[Sam Lin 3,559]

5 hours ago, DCA_HORN said:

It's not clutter if its shoved into a drawer or closet apparently. Ymmv

Holy shit this. Why ever organize or get rid of anything when you can just stash it somewhere, as long as it isn't openly visible?

If I can still see value or utliity, I leave it, but I randomly throw away "hidden" items that are clearly utterly useless and haven't been touched in months.

[Upgrayedd 5,812]

5 hours ago, El Diablo said:

I thought the lid on a toilet was only there to be used as a seat. People close the toilet when they're not using it?

Leave it up and have fun with aerosolized feces when you flush.  Doesn’t make a difference to me.  It’s your toothbrush.

[SHOOTER12 8,810]

On 4/25/2020 at 10:36 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

Mine leaves her teeth in the shower. I don't get it, but whatever. 

Uh... Time for an upgrayed...

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Me, to Mrs. Rox rummaging around in Mom's garage & coming across a [battery pack / keep in the car / rechargable] jumpstarter that I had gotten for her around 1 year ago:

"...Say, Mom's not driving any longer - you should keep this in the Tahoe."

Mrs. Rox:  "Why?"

Me:  "In case something happens & you need a jump."

Her:  "I don't even know how to use those things.  Besides, if I needed an assist I'll call you & you can bring it to me."

 

/derp

[SHOOTER12 8,810]

4 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I achieved this lofty station in life by being an extremely devious asshole.

You da king....

and a mentor to us all.

Edited April 27, 2020 by SHOOTER12

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

16 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

Me, to Mrs. Rox rummaging around in Mom's garage & coming across a [battery pack / keep in the car / rechargable] jumpstarter that I had gotten for her around 1 year ago:

"...Say, Mom's not driving any longer - you should keep this in the Tahoe."

Mrs. Rox:  "Why?"

Me:  "In case something happens & you need a jump."

Her:  "I don't even know how to use those things.  Besides, if I needed an assist I'll call you & you can bring it to me."

 

/derp

Give a wife a jump, start her car for a day.

Teach a woman to jump, good fucking luck with that.

[hullabelew 3,724]

6 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

Give a wife a jump, start her car for a day.

Teach a woman to jump, good fucking luck with that.

Yep.  I taught both of my daughters when they learned to drive.  They had to be able to jump a car and change a flat before they got the keys to the car.  

You have to teach them before they are 18.  After that, they become unteachable.  

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

9 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

Holy shit this. Why ever organize or get rid of anything when you can just stash it somewhere, as long as it isn't openly visible?

If I can still see value or utliity, I leave it, but I randomly throw away "hidden" items that are clearly utterly useless and haven't been touched in months.

"I hate that we don't have any closet space!!!"

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

This Old House is on & they are getting into the "select stuff for the kitchen" parts.

 

Custom refrigerator stuff & the one she likes has this massive door over the "actual" door.  "I like that it is so tall, it looks like a real house door.  You don't see there is a refrigerator behind it."

 

Me:  Sure, because you want your guests to think you don't actually have a refrigerator in the kitchen.  That shit is about as dumb as hiding the TV behind closing doors.

[Reagan1k 3,024]

All this home time has obviously given my wife time to look around and figure out shit she isn't happy with in our house.

After fielding a couple of what she intended to seem as random and unrelated questions about "real estate" yesterday  I knew what was up.

As I went to bed last night I said....."If you decide you want to move, make sure to leave me a forwarding address so I can send you a Christmas card every year.....good night."

 

[Incredulity 11,675]

4 minutes ago, Reagan1k said:

All this home time has obviously given my wife time to look around and figure out shit she isn't happy with in our house.

After fielding a couple of what she intended to seem as random and unrelated questions about "real estate" yesterday  I knew what was up.

As I went to bed last night I said....."If you decide you want to move, make sure to leave me a forwarding address so I can send you a Christmas card every year.....good night."

 

boldmovecotton.gif

[tbone_ 14,126]

Reagan is getting a new crib.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,907]

As long as you're paying for it, I'm sure she would be happy to move to a new place with her side piece

[Trey3216 15,346]

52 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Reagan is getting a new crib.

Worth about half as much as his current one. 

[TrashMaster G 17,557]

1 hour ago, Reagan1k said:

All this home time has obviously given my wife time to look around and figure out shit she isn't happy with in our house.

After fielding a couple of what she intended to seem as random and unrelated questions about "real estate" yesterday  I knew what was up.

As I went to bed last night I said....."If you decide you want to move, make sure to leave me a forwarding address so I can send you a Christmas card every year.....good night."

 

Tone.

[nnm 36,416]

3 hours ago, Reagan1k said:

All this home time has obviously given my wife time to look around and figure out shit she isn't happy with in our house.

After fielding a couple of what she intended to seem as random and unrelated questions about "real estate" yesterday  I knew what was up.

As I went to bed last night I said....."If you decide you want to move, make sure to leave me a forwarding address so I can send you a Christmas card every year.....good night."

 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

[Reagan1k 3,024]

4 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

As long as you're paying for it, I'm sure she would be happy to move to a new place with her side piece

I’d still come out ahead if all I have to pay for is a new place and the side piece picks up her monthly overhead. 

Edited April 27, 2020 by Reagan1k

[nnm 36,416]

Sooooo...how many of you are seeing your wife’s real hair color for the first time in decades? And hearing about the ban on hair salons?

[CycleTex87 2,970]

It’s changed color since the last time I saw it for real. 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

Sooooo...how many of you are seeing your wife’s real hair color for the first time in decades? And hearing about the ban on hair salons?

Carpets / Curtains joke [ha, ha... no, really]

 

#ItsInThereSomewhere

[Beau Vine 54,230]

On 4/24/2020 at 2:34 PM, Kennythetiger said:

The one that sends me over the edge is setting an alarm and then hitting snooze three or four times, until she actually gets up.  Half an hour after the alarm first went off.  Rage-inducing.  

3-4 times is a light day in my house.  She'll set the alarm for 7 and get up at 8:30.

[mulletpelini 5,211]

Spent a lot of time Sunday trimming yard, mowing, cleaning it up....looks immaculate.

She comes out, looks around.  Finds a couple weeds in the yard.

Her: "I sure wish this nagging shit didn't exist"

Me too honey.

Me too.

[Incredulity 11,675]

10 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

3-4 times is a light day in my house.  She'll set the alarm for 7 and get up at 8:30.

[luke duke 6,413]

3-4 times is a light day in my house.  She'll set the alarm for 7 and get up at 8:30.

Please tell me you get up at 7 or earlier when she pulls that shit.

[Johnny Sack 8,397]

On 4/27/2020 at 2:24 PM, Reagan1k said:

All this home time has obviously given my wife time to look around and figure out shit she isn't happy with in our house.

After fielding a couple of what she intended to seem as random and unrelated questions about "real estate" yesterday  I knew what was up.

As I went to bed last night I said....."If you decide you want to move, make sure to leave me a forwarding address so I can send you a Christmas card every year.....good night."

 

We’ve (she) has a list of about 8 projects now.  The cheapest of which will cost no less than $10 grand.   Total all in probably a cool quarter mil (new garage and garage apartment being the big ticket item).  
 

I’m fine with doing it.  But I told her we are absolutely not fucking moving for at least ten years if we do this.   
 

I expect to be posting about a new house on this thread by 2022.  

Edited April 28, 2020 by Johnny Sack