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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

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On 5/26/2020 at 10:32 PM, Biff Tannen said:

I’ve been in bed for 30 minutes and noticed it doesn’t feel like the room is cooling down.  I go to the thermostat and yep, set to heat instead of cool. 

I have legitimately told my daughter probably 30x to NOT turn the AC fan to "ON" - don't EVER touch that button / setting & instead, the one to be concerned about is the "Auto / On" setting.

I 100% know it's not the boy & my wife only concerns herself with the temperature.

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

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We recently replaced all of the cable boxes in our house and they have a voice control.  For about 2 weeks she has watched me say, into the remote, "Outlander ** on Netflix".

Bless her heart...last night, she gave it a try.  "Outlanders on NextFlick".....3 times....then she just chunked the remote at me.  I felt sorry for her.  There are several words she pronounces differently.  I rarely correct her unless it is a word that might be embarrassing to say in front of strangers.   Most of them are due to spelling but some I can't figure out why she pronounces them a certain way.  And to her credit, she apparently, FINALLY looked at the logo on the screen and said, "Oh....NET Flix".

Fascinating = FASC-i-nating (this is a spelling issue)
Waxed = Wax-ed  (no idea)
Farted = Fart-ed-ed (no idea)
But words like Worked, she says correctly.  But Fart-ed-ed cracks me up every time.

OH....also, we dog sit Baboso's dog from time to time.  To get her to go outside, the dog knows "Go be quick".   But my wife miss-heard it, so she says, "Go get a quickie".  Every fucking time...I giggle.  

**  If you haven't watched this titty-fest, so yourself a favor and invest some time.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4485

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I too switched to voice commands for our main TV. Works great when my wife, 6 year old boy, and 1 year old are all talking at the same time. Then they can't understand why dad stood up and said "Can yall shut the fuck up for 15 god damn seconds???"

 

okay, well, the one year old probably doesn't understand. But the other two should know. since we go through it every.single.god.damn night

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Jameslaw121

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22 minutes ago, EE2B said:

I can’t imagine what a shit show that would be and how many fights it would cause. The buttons always fucking work. (Unless the batteries are dead)

Yeah, it was a dumb idea. Especially since our living room is open to the kitchen. So using voice commands is pretty much impossible. 

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harpercollins

harpercollins 394

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We recently replaced all of the cable boxes in our house and they have a voice control.  For about 2 weeks she has watched me say, into the remote, "Outlander ** on Netflix".
Bless her heart...last night, she gave it a try.  "Outlanders on NextFlick".....3 times....then she just chunked the remote at me.  I felt sorry for her.  There are several words she pronounces differently.  I rarely correct her unless it is a word that might be embarrassing to say in front of strangers.   Most of them are due to spelling but some I can't figure out why she pronounces them a certain way.  And to her credit, she apparently, FINALLY looked at the logo on the screen and said, "Oh....NET Flix".
Fascinating = FASC-i-nating (this is a spelling issue)
Waxed = Wax-ed  (no idea)
Farted = Fart-ed-ed (no idea)
But words like Worked, she says correctly.  But Fart-ed-ed cracks me up every time.
OH....also, we dog sit Baboso's dog from time to time.  To get her to go outside, the dog knows "Go be quick".   But my wife miss-heard it, so she says, "Go get a quickie".  Every fucking time...I giggle.  
**  If you haven't watched this titty-fest, so yourself a favor and invest some time.

She sounds dyslexic. There’s a visual kind that you typically think of but also an auditory kind where you can’t distinguish phonemes.
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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

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17 hours ago, harpercollins said:


She sounds dyslexic. There’s a visual kind that you typically think of but also an auditory kind where you can’t distinguish phonemes.

She is deaf but a lip reading motherfucker.  It's been a long running topic of fun and frivolity on this and the two previous boards.   She doesn't use ASL.  

Edited by hullabelew
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Guest Lobo

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39 minutes ago, bobcat1995 said:

We were discussing the Crew Dragon docking with the ISS and she didn't understand the significance of the event.  During the conversation.......

Wife:  Where is the International Space Station?

Me: Iowa!!  Its in space above the earth!!!!

Your wife:  "Is this outer space?"
You:  "No...It's Iowa."

Your wife:  "Hmm, I coulda sworn it was outer space."  

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

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Filed under the "shit they do" portion.

"If I'm gonna grill 'em, you make the hamburger patties."  (because apparently she doesn't like the way I do it / seasonings I use, whatever).

Come in from cutting cedar / burning stuff, get quick shower because I'm covered in cedar dirt:  "OK, where's the stuff?  I don't see them in the fridge."

She put all 5 shaped patties on a plate, then left that on the kitchen counter.

Our adult Doberman apparently snarfed them.  Guess who got to drive to H.E.B. (they were still open) & get some replacement meat?  40 minutes round trip.  I'm certain if I ever bring this up as an example of dumbassery that somehow I'll be the jerk.

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tbone_

tbone_ 14413

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Filed under the "shit they do" portion.
"If I'm gonna grill 'em, you make the hamburger patties."  (because apparently she doesn't like the way I do it / seasonings I use, whatever).
Come in from cutting cedar / burning stuff, get quick shower because I'm covered in cedar dirt:  "OK, where's the stuff?  I don't see them in the fridge."

She put all 5 shaped patties on a plate, then left that on the kitchen counter.
Our adult Doberman apparently snarfed them.  Guess who got to drive to H.E.B. (they were still open) & get some replacement meat?  40 minutes round trip.  I'm certain if I ever bring this up as an example of dumbassery that somehow I'll be the jerk.

You live 20 min from the closest grocery store?
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Atxracer

Atxracer 798

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1 hour ago, ROFL BOX said:

Filed under the "shit they do" portion.

"If I'm gonna grill 'em, you make the hamburger patties."  (because apparently she doesn't like the way I do it / seasonings I use, whatever).

Come in from cutting cedar / burning stuff, get quick shower because I'm covered in cedar dirt:  "OK, where's the stuff?  I don't see them in the fridge."

She put all 5 shaped patties on a plate, then left that on the kitchen counter.

Our adult Doberman apparently snarfed them.  Guess who got to drive to H.E.B. (they were still open) & get some replacement meat?  40 minutes round trip.  I'm certain if I ever bring this up as an example of dumbassery that somehow I'll be the jerk.

Ignoring the male/female responsibilities, if you had to be responsible to go to the grocery store again, is she at least responsible for creating and cooking the patties?  
 

Either way, I’m kinda thinking this comment falls under “stupid shit husbands does/say”.  .  

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

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37 minutes ago, Atxracer said:

Ignoring the male/female responsibilities, if you had to be responsible to go to the grocery store again, is she at least responsible for creating and cooking the patties?  
 

Either way, I’m kinda thinking this comment falls under “stupid shit husbands does/say”.  .  

You really want to trust teh wimmenz with fire & grilling?

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

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39 minutes ago, Atxracer said:

Ignoring the male/female responsibilities, if you had to be responsible to go to the grocery store again, is she at least responsible for creating and cooking the patties?  
 

Either way, I’m kinda thinking this comment falls under “stupid shit husbands does/say”.  .  

Additionally, if she had driven this 20 minute one way would have been 25+ out, 25+ back & 15 in the store.  I can hit every corner like Emerson Fittipaldi where she's always hitting 35mph or less for fear of hitting a deer.

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

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10 hours ago, mulletpelini said:
I bet she enjoys the Seinfeld episode huh

She had actually lived that scene many times.

Now, for today's adventure.  My wife has slowly turned in to a hoarder.  Not Mitch C. level, but our garage and basement if a fucking hazard area.  She won't throw shit away.....and has even dug out stuff from the trash that I've thrown away...old tshirts, a beat-up old cowboy hat that didn't fit me anymore, old shoes... (we can use it for rags, I'll wear that in the garden, we can take them to Goodwill).  Anyway, we have a TON of cookie sheets, flat pans, broiler pans...WAY too many, but she won't get rid of them.  They are housed in this old table we made into a center island.  The doors have these cool things called locks.   They help keep the doors shut....unless the fucking thing is so full, the doors won't stay shut.  

How do we deal with that?  Throw stuff away?  Move it around?  Fuck that noise.  She has the solution.  

Oh.. "We CAN'T have shoes in the house. You will bring in the virus."  I guess the little virus bastards just stick to my shoes/boots.  
926378fc035fdcb7fbe84b7027555bcd.jpg70bb8fe4ffbed66972f3fceb6b1f24af.jpg

Edited by hullabelew
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Armybrat

Armybrat 41334

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1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

She had actually lived that scene many times.

Now, for today's adventure.  My wife has slowly turned in to a hoarder.  Not Mitch C. level, but our garage and basement if a fucking hazard area.  She won't throw shit away.....and has even dug out stuff from the trash that I've thrown away...old tshirts, a beat-up old cowboy hat that didn't fit me anymore, old shoes... (we can use it for rags, I'll wear that in the garden, we can take them to Goodwill).  Anyway, we have a TON of cookie sheets, flat pans, broiler pans...WAY too many, but she won't get rid of them.  They are housed in this old table we made into a center island.  The doors have these cool things called locks.   They help keep the doors shut....unless the fucking thing is so full, the doors won't stay shut.  

How do we deal with that?  Throw stuff away?  Move it around?  Fuck that noise.  She has the solution.  

Oh.. "We CAN'T have shoes in the house. You will bring in the virus."  I guess the little virus bastards just stick to my shoes/boots.  
926378fc035fdcb7fbe84b7027555bcd.jpg70bb8fe4ffbed66972f3fceb6b1f24af.jpg

Hey, that’s the same stove we have except ours is white.

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

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Yep @tbone_  Scotch Fucking Tape. 

And DDD.   Nope.  I just throw all of that other shit in the laundry room.  It is all hers anyway.  That container with all of the spatulas and shit in it?  Had to get that because both of those drawers are full of that shit.  I throw stuff away all of the time.  Don't make a fucking dent.  

She has a stack of books in the bedroom.....all the same category.   Subject?  How to declutter.  I shit you not.  

Edited by hullabelew
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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8956

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19 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Additionally, if she had driven this 20 minute one way would have been 25+ out, 25+ back & 15 in the store.  I can hit every corner like Emerson Fittipaldi where she's always hitting 35mph or less for fear of hitting a deer.

Don't forget the $150 HEB receipt.  My wife can spend $200 at HEB and not have three items that can be put together to make one meal.

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