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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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deadshank

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There's a place I will stop into on the way to deer lease and pick up some inexpensive jewelry bedazzlements, baubles and beads for my bride if I feel like I need to brighten her day when I get back to Houston.  Call it a bribe or paying my penance. It works. Sometimes.

So, back during deer season, I stop and pick up a necklace I think she might like to add to her bountiful collection.  When I get home, I stride in and proudly present it to her.  She doesn't like it and says "oh, I'd rather have a bracelet."  No good deed goes unpunished.

The next weekend I'm passing through again on way back to the deer lease and stop in to trade the necklace for a bracelet she saw on their web-site.  I get the bracelet, go shoot Bambi, get home and present the bracelet.  It doesn't fit; too big.

I take the bracelet that is too big back to trade it in the very next weekend on the way to shoot more Bambis and they don't have a smaller-sized bracelet because it is a one-size-fits-all proposition.  Store credit only.  No bracelet for baby doll.

End of story you think?  

Oh, no, my friend.

The next weekend I go back to kill even more Bambis and I get a text.  "Can you get the bracelet again? My mom wants one."  So I get the same danged bracelet again but I ship it to MIL in NC per instructions.

Two weeks later the bracelet comes in mail from MIL in NC to Houston....it doesn't fit, too big.

Now CV-19 hits and the little shop where I buy this junk is closed up tight as a tick.  I'm still going back to deer lease just to hang around and kill Jim Beam because deer season is over.  So, I'm stuck with the bracelet until the joint opens back up after Gov. Hotwheels gives the all clear.

Finally, Gov. Hotwheels signs off on the all skate order and the place opens back up so I can take the cotton picking bracelet back.

Just this past Friday I'm on the way to the deer lease to do some shredding, mowing and kill Evan Williams and I stop to return the dang MIL version of the bracelet for store credit.

Done?  

Nope.

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

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DDD Dad

DDD Dad 14572

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Yep @tbone_  Scotch Fucking Tape. 

And DDD.   Nope.  I just throw all of that other shit in the laundry room.  It is all hers anyway.  That container with all of the spatulas and shit in it?  Had to get that because both of those drawers are full of that shit.  I throw stuff away all of the time.  Don't make a fucking dent.  

She has a stack of books in the bedroom.....all the same category.   Subject?  How to declutter.  I shit you not.  

I'd encourage you to pick up some peanut butter whiskey.

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LebongJames

LebongJames 1900

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Posted

Wife doesn’t understand the concept of time. We have been together 14 years so I am used to it but it’s getting on my damn nerves to treat other people that way as we get older and everybody has kids and jobs and doesn’t have an hour to wait on people.

Yesterday we were supposed to be in San Antonio between 3-4 to take her 92 grandmother dinner. We live in the Westlake area. Grandma lives alone and is pretty independent but recently my wife’s mother passed so she is very needy and needs our attention and help.

Around noon I decide to get some yard work in. I tell her to be ready by 1:30 knowing she won’t be ready until 2:30 but we will still hit our window in SA. I come back inside the house around 1:45 to shower and get ready. She’s not there, she has decided she had time to go to Central Market. She gets back home at 3:15 and we don’t get to SA until 5. 
 

She acts like it is no big issue because grandma has no where to be but I could tell when we got there that she had been waiting for us for a couple of hours and was anxious. She’s 92.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26439

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Posted
14 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Don't forget the $150 HEB receipt.  My wife can spend $200 at HEB and not have three items that can be put together to make one meal.

So fucking true. I can't tell you the number of times she's "stopped at the store to pick up something for dinner" and the bill is 100+. That's a pretty nice meal out with zero effort.

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

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Posted
8 hours ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Nature abhors a vacuum; women abhor empty horizontal surfaces.

Whenever we remodeled the kitchen, she bought some blue Flour/Sugar/Tea canisters for the counter.  The lids don't fit or seal, so they are empty.  Is that where we keep the flour/sugar/tea?  No you fucking idiot.  We keep that in the canisters in the center island. Why don't we just keep those canisters on the counter where they are easy to get to and you don't have to put new tape on the door?  Because the blue ones are so pretty.  

 

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

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13 hours ago, deadshank said:

 

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Bravo Brother @deadshank  When this thread was initially created, this kind of bullshit is EXACTLY what I was imagining.  

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26439

Posted
Posted
13 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

Whenever we remodeled the kitchen, she bought some blue Flour/Sugar/Tea canisters for the counter.  The lids don't fit or seal, so they are empty.  Is that where we keep the flour/sugar/tea?  No you fucking idiot.  We keep that in the canisters in the center island. Why don't we just keep those canisters on the counter where they are easy to get to and you don't have to put new tape on the door?  Because the blue ones are so pretty.  

 

No one South of the Mason/Dixon puts flour/sugar in those things. Weevils and humidity. So they are just decorations (AKA Counter Space Hogs)

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hullabelew

hullabelew 3730

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

And then 1 week later half of it gets thrown out because the non-GMO/Vegan/Organic shit goes bad quickly

My compost pile has to be one of the most expensive things I own.  Right now, a jicama is on the counter...day 13.  No idea what it was purchased for, but I imagine it will end up in the compost pile shortly.  

 

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8883

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, Jerry Callo said:

Don't forget the $150 HEB receipt.  My wife can spend $200 at HEB and not have three items that can be put together to make one meal.

Sheesh you must have married my ex...no wait, I forgot, she's dead.

Srsly though, I nearly had a stroke when I found out that she was spending over $1k a month on makeup and that sort of thing.

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 3003

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, deadshank said:

There's a place I will stop into on the way to deer lease and pick up some inexpensive jewelry bedazzlements, baubles and beads for my bride if I feel like I need to brighten her day when I get back to Houston.  Call it a bribe or paying my penance. It works. Sometimes.

So, back during deer season, I stop and pick up a necklace I think she might like to add to her bountiful collection.  When I get home, I stride in and proudly present it to her.  She doesn't like it and says "oh, I'd rather have a bracelet."  No good deed goes unpunished.

The next weekend I'm passing through again on way back to the deer lease and stop in to trade the necklace for a bracelet she saw on their web-site.  I get the bracelet, go shoot Bambi, get home and present the bracelet.  It doesn't fit; too big.

I take the bracelet that is too big back to trade it in the very next weekend on the way to shoot more Bambis and they don't have a smaller-sized bracelet because it is a one-size-fits-all proposition.  Store credit only.  No bracelet for baby doll.

End of story you think?  

Oh, no, my friend.

The next weekend I go back to kill even more Bambis and I get a text.  "Can you get the bracelet again? My mom wants one."  So I get the same danged bracelet again but I ship it to MIL in NC per instructions.

Two weeks later the bracelet comes in mail from MIL in NC to Houston....it doesn't fit, too big.

Now CV-19 hits and the little shop where I buy this junk is closed up tight as a tick.  I'm still going back to deer lease just to hang around and kill Jim Beam because deer season is over.  So, I'm stuck with the bracelet until the joint opens back up after Gov. Hotwheels gives the all clear.

Finally, Gov. Hotwheels signs off on the all skate order and the place opens back up so I can take the cotton picking bracelet back.

Just this past Friday I'm on the way to the deer lease to do some shredding, mowing and kill Evan Williams and I stop to return the dang MIL version of the bracelet for store credit.

Done?  

Nope.

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Great story, but this is a humblebrag in some respects, as my wife wouldn’t be pacified with these trinkets after the second time or so.  It would quickly turn into “you go away every weekend and leave me home with the kids!” 

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deadshank

deadshank 24654

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13 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

Great story, but this is a humblebrag in some respects, as my wife wouldn’t be pacified with these trinkets after the second time or so.  It would quickly turn into “you go away every weekend and leave me home with the kids!” 

The difference between you and me is that I’ve achieved just the right level of A-hole that she doesn’t mind if I’m gone. 

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4485

Posted
Posted (edited)
16 hours ago, LebongJames said:

Wife doesn’t understand the concept of time. We have been together 14 years so I am used to it but it’s getting on my damn nerves to treat other people that way as we get older and everybody has kids and jobs and doesn’t have an hour to wait on people.

Yesterday we were supposed to be in San Antonio between 3-4 to take her 92 grandmother dinner. We live in the Westlake area. Grandma lives alone and is pretty independent but recently my wife’s mother passed so she is very needy and needs our attention and help.

Around noon I decide to get some yard work in. I tell her to be ready by 1:30 knowing she won’t be ready until 2:30 but we will still hit our window in SA. I come back inside the house around 1:45 to shower and get ready. She’s not there, she has decided she had time to go to Central Market. She gets back home at 3:15 and we don’t get to SA until 5. 
 

She acts like it is no big issue because grandma has no where to be but I could tell when we got there that she had been waiting for us for a couple of hours and was anxious. She’s 92.

This is my Mother and Father in law. They have four grown kids plus two grandkids now, plus me. But when we make plans it feel like they still think of them as four young kids that they can just change times whenever. For instance, we have 1 year old who goes to sleep about seven. Twice in the last month we've made plans to eat dinner around 5 to give time to get home and get her to sleep. both times we didn't wind up eating until after 6. 

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Js1

Js1 86945

Posted
Posted (edited)
8 hours ago, BurntEyes said:

But it's not even a meal. It's $100 worth of shit that isn't something that can be combined into a meal. 

Artichokes

Natural non-GMO Sugar (for what I'm not sure but it's a large bag and she doesn't bake)

Hummus  (no chips of any sort to dip it with)

Olive Oil from Corfu locals(a very expensive brand, nothing to cook it in)

Three types of fancy cheese from southern France  (no crackers or deli meats to eat with them nor can they be put on a burger or taco)

A gallon of fancy Native American free range cow milk (Nobody drinks milk or eats cereal with milk and she doesn't bake - I have no idea why this was purchased)

Fancy, Expensive Olives, indigenous Peruvian of course (I mean, we have parts or pieces of a great anti-pasta fixing but um... No meat)

Fruit, organic, locally grown non-GMO,  of course (purely for her own personal consumption while at work)

Mocchi (which I love but she doesn't get the flavor I like the most and she's defensive about me eating "hers")

Asparagus water (not really but you get the point)

$200 worth of shit because she has to shop at Whole Foods. 

I needed some ground meat to make tacos, per her request. 

Do you see tomatoes or salsa or anything for tacos? No, you don't.

(This is only a flashback to a time long ago, but it happened nearly exactly as written) 

Look at this guy, needing crackers or deli meat to eat cheese.  Excuse me, Duke BurntEyes

spacer.png

Edited by Js1
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ABSR

ABSR 5357

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

If a one size fits most item goes 0/3 on the women of your family, am I to presume an issue with the item or with the women?

At least he reported that the bracelet's were too big.

...Vic has a sad.

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13255

Posted
Posted (edited)
14 hours ago, deadshank said:

Do you want to take my bet that the bracelet doesn't fit her younger sister either?  Want a piece of the action?

Tell her it's an ankle bracelet if she says it's too big for her wrist.

 

PS are we sure it's not actually an ankle bracelet?

Edited by Grade of D as in David
PS.
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ShaggyBevo RIP

ShaggyBevo RIP 3873

Posted
Posted
On 6/1/2020 at 6:58 PM, deadshank said:

There's a place I will stop into on the way to deer lease and pick up some inexpensive jewelry bedazzlements, baubles and beads for my bride if I feel like I need to brighten her day when I get back to Houston.  Call it a bribe or paying my penance. It works. Sometimes.

So, back during deer season, I stop and pick up a necklace I think she might like to add to her bountiful collection.  When I get home, I stride in and proudly present it to her.  She doesn't like it and says "oh, I'd rather have a bracelet."  No good deed goes unpunished.

The next weekend I'm passing through again on way back to the deer lease and stop in to trade the necklace for a bracelet she saw on their web-site.  I get the bracelet, go shoot Bambi, get home and present the bracelet.  It doesn't fit; too big.

I take the bracelet that is too big back to trade it in the very next weekend on the way to shoot more Bambis and they don't have a smaller-sized bracelet because it is a one-size-fits-all proposition.  Store credit only.  No bracelet for baby doll.

End of story you think?  

Oh, no, my friend.

The next weekend I go back to kill even more Bambis and I get a text.  "Can you get the bracelet again? My mom wants one."  So I get the same danged bracelet again but I ship it to MIL in NC per instructions.

Two weeks later the bracelet comes in mail from MIL in NC to Houston....it doesn't fit, too big.

Now CV-19 hits and the little shop where I buy this junk is closed up tight as a tick.  I'm still going back to deer lease just to hang around and kill Jim Beam because deer season is over.  So, I'm stuck with the bracelet until the joint opens back up after Gov. Hotwheels gives the all clear.

Finally, Gov. Hotwheels signs off on the all skate order and the place opens back up so I can take the cotton picking bracelet back.

Just this past Friday I'm on the way to the deer lease to do some shredding, mowing and kill Evan Williams and I stop to return the dang MIL version of the bracelet for store credit.

Done?  

Nope.

I'm sitting in my office this morning and she calls and asks if I'm going back to deer lease again this weekend.  Of course, I am; I've got to kill George Dickel.   Now it seems her younger sister wants that bracelet and can I stop and pick it up for her.

Holy moley. Wow.

Sending you to the deer lease extra times? She's getting you out of the way for her backdoor man. 

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deadshank

deadshank 24654

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, ShaggyBevo RIP said:

Sending you to the deer lease extra times? She's getting you out of the way for her backdoor man. 

Well, I'm trying to speed the process along.  When said backdoor man takes over fiscal responsibility for her I'm gonna get drunk and dance a jig that will scare women and children and start fights in Wyoming bars. 

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nnm

nnm 37750

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, deadshank said:

Well, I'm trying to speed the process along.  When said backdoor man takes over fiscal responsibility for her I'm gonna get drunk and dance a jig that will scare women and children and start fights in Wyoming bars. 

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

Backdoor man or not, do you know how much money it takes to get a divorce?  All of it. 

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6654

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, nnm said:

That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works. 

Backdoor man or not, do you know how much money it takes to get a divorce?  All of it. 

Believe me when I tell you that @deadshank is smarter than 99.42235% of us Shaggers² & he sure as hell has all of this "figgered out" 5 steps ahead of her.

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