Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Js1 85346]

9 hours ago, HenryJames said:

Ten year old and a baby? Condom break?

 My nephew and his soon to be sibling will be 14 years apart 

[TrashMaster G 17557]

9 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

In the last three days, my wife has successfully broken down a cardboard box before putting it in the outside recycling bin and she remembered to turn off the living room fan when she went to bed. What the hell is happening? The only explanation is that aliens kidnapped my actual wife and replaced her with some sort of replica. The replica was good enough to fool me until I saw her flip the fan switch off. That's when I had my Kaiser Soze moment.

Go for the clincher: Ask her/it for a blowjob.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

28 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Go for the clincher: Ask her/it for a blowjob.

[Fudbelty 2788]

 My nephew and his soon to be sibling will be 14 years apart 

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

58 minutes ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

[Upgrayedd 5812]

1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

Pics of step MIL?

[Hate 20108]

I have a 51 year old cousin who remarried after his first wife passed away. They had one kid who just graduated high school this year. His now wife has an 11 year old daughter and is now expecting twins. He will be 70 when they graduate HS.

[Wulaw Horn 19070]

1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

I’ve seen that movie before I believe. Even though she’s younger than you she wants to spank you for being a very bad boy- bc she’s your mommy now.

You should definitely let her give you a bath. 

[Dennis Taylor 18828]

2 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

Your FIL sounds wealthy 

[Armybrat 40850]

3 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Your FIL sounds healthy

Fify

[davidg 4038]

2 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

It's some kind of bizzaro world where your older kids can buy beer for their uncle before he turns 21.  Talk about being the cool nephew/niece.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21907]

I've got kids 37, 34, 17, and 16.

[TrashMaster G 17557]

34 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I've got kids 37, 34, 17, and 16.

And your third wife just graduated high school, right?

[Armybrat 40850]

My ggrandfather wore out three wives producing 23 kids.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

12 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

My ggrandfather wore out three wives producing 23 kids.

Damn. The Mayflower was rockin

[Dennis Taylor 18828]

21 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

My ggrandfather wore out three wives producing 23 kids.

wasn't much else to do in the 18th century

[Pato del Muerto 52501]

26 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

My ggrandfather wore out three wives producing 23 kids.

That was the best way to get free labor before the slave trade got going. 

[Trey3216 15346]

5 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

 

My wife is 34. We have three kids 10, 7, and 4. She has a 5yr old brother. I’m 2 months older than Step MIL.

Your kids and their uncle are going to raise absolute hell  

[Trey3216 15346]

15 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

That was the best way to get free labor before the slave trade got going. 

The original form of Life Insurance  

[Fudbelty 2788]

Your kids and their uncle are going to raise absolute hell  

Uncle and my son will be going to the same school same grade. Going to be interesting.

[G650 14258]

On 6/6/2020 at 3:24 AM, ROFL BOX said:

My wife reposted some inane bullshit on FB & 2× she deleted my comment with 3 reasonable answers as to why it was fake.

The item was about how "the MSM won't show this to you - the Lincoln Memorial was totally defaced with vandalism & spray paint... this got deleted 3× today! Share it everywhere!".

So I reported her post to FB as fake news.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

My wife has been on a rampage reporting her dad's FB posts.

[ABSR 5315]

52 minutes ago, G650 said:

My wife has been on a rampage reporting her dad's FB posts.

Is this because she thinks her Dad reported her?

[G650 14258]

Just now, ABSR said:

Is this because she thinks her Dad reported her?

No, just because he posts all sorts of insane memes and shit.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

43 minutes ago, G650 said:

No, just because he posts all sorts of insane memes and shit.

Is there anything other than that on Facebook?

[G650 14258]

1 minute ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Is there anything other than that on Facebook?

Damn if I know, I stay away from that place like the plague

[Mitch Cumsteen 18549]

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

[Flg8rfan 201]

Mitch brings it

[TrashMaster G 17557]

35 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

This is what it's all about, gentlemen.

[Dennis Taylor 18828]

we are all just guests in Mitch's world 

[Trey3216 15346]

47 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

I'm keeping a list of items right now going on at my house during my wife's 5 month spring break/COVID pregnancy experience.  I shall list them out when the daughter is born.  

[HoffaJimmy 316]

Mrs. Hoffa- I am going to Costco do you need anything? 

Me- Yes, furnace filters 

Mrs.- What size? (bonus points for knowing they come in sizes) 

Me- 25x25x1

Mrs.- OK

Back from Costco-

Mrs. Hoffa- They didn't have 25x25x1 filters so I got 20x25x1

Me- Thanks, I will take those back the next time I go to get the size we actually need.

Mrs.- Obligatory Tone. 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

She's used things being undersized and still making them work.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18549]

37 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

we are all just guests in Mitch's world 

Sometimes I think I'm just a guest here, too.

And of course my wife can't figure out why I'm pissed off moving the ladder all over the house trying out different spots for the new motherfucking cuckoo clock. "Move it over to the right just a little. No, I mean left. Try it up a little higher. Oh great, that's perfect. Well I don't know now. I'm just not sure. Let's try it i the kitchen instead. What do you think if we hang it over the doorway into the dining room?" FML.

[Kennythetiger 9386]

I'm just really curious as to what the bathroom wall looks like to be "too busy" to hang paraphernalia.  Must be pretty bad...

[Dennis Taylor 18828]

2 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Sometimes I think I'm just a guest here, too.

And of course my wife can't figure out why I'm pissed off moving the ladder all over the house trying out different spots for the new motherfucking cuckoo clock. "Move it over to the right just a little. No, I mean left. Try it up a little higher. Oh great, that's perfect. Well I don't know now. I'm just not sure. Let's try it i the kitchen instead. What do you think if we hang it over the doorway into the dining room?" FML.

it would be a got-damn shame if it fell to the floor and broke into 10,000 pieces ala the leg lamp in A Christmas Story 

 

[ztejas 43454]

1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

Because God forbid she get disowned from the family when her sister, having not said anything about it for 30 years, suddenly asks why the shitty cuckoo clock she bought her all those years ago isn't still hanging somewhere in the house.

[Kennythetiger 9386]

Just save the giant crab.

[Hate 20108]

You know she would just buy another one.

[nnm 36415]

59 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Sometimes I think I'm just a guest here, too.

And of course my wife can't figure out why I'm pissed off moving the ladder all over the house trying out different spots for the new motherfucking cuckoo clock. "Move it over to the right just a little. No, I mean left. Try it up a little higher. Oh great, that's perfect. Well I don't know now. I'm just not sure. Let's try it i the kitchen instead. What do you think if we hang it over the doorway into the dining room?" FML.

Spoiler alert:  There is no good place to hang a cuckoo clock.  

[Trey3216 15346]

46 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Just save the giant crab.

I think it should be hanging from one of the crab claws.  Off-center and all 

[ABSR 5315]

26 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

I think it should be hanging from one of the crab claws.  Off-center and all 

One cuckoo clock on each claw!  But with the ties different so they go off at different intervals.

[Dnaguy 11967]

2 hours ago, HoffaJimmy said:

Mrs. Hoffa- I am going to Costco do you need anything? 

Me- Yes, furnace filters 

Mrs.- What size? (bonus points for knowing they come in sizes) 

Me- 25x25x1

Mrs.- OK

Back from Costco-

Mrs. Hoffa- They didn't have 25x25x1 filters so I got 20x25x1

Me- Thanks, I will take those back the next time I go to get the size we actually need.

Mrs.- Obligatory Tone. 

You missed out returning a cheaper filter. They were on sale last month. Have to time your returns to the months that the filters are $10 cheaper.

[SHOOTER12 8810]

3 hours ago, Flg8rfan said:

Mitch brings it

Every.Single.Time.

[Sawbonz 27565]

4 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife was looking for something the other day and came across a cuckoo clock that her sister had bought for her as a gift 20 something years ago. She immediately goes into, "Where am I going to put this cuckoo clock?" mode. She furiously searches the house for 6 square inches of unused wall space, which is no easy task. She eventually decides to stick it in the guest bathroom. Then she decides that it would look too busy in there with the wallpaper. Then she starts really looking at the cuckoo clock more closely, and comes to the realization that it kinda sucks, is too small and rather cheap looking. Then of course she decides she needs to shop for a new cuckoo clock and eventually buys one. Then the new cuckoo clock shows up in the mail and now she can't figure out where she wants to hang it up. Again.

Was really expecting to read about the new wallpaper going up. Still 10/10

[The Ace of Aces 5184]

We are both working from home and our jobs are transitioning into a WFH one mostly even when our county eventually reopens. Our office was rocking the $129 Target hutch style desk I bought immediately after graduating college in 2003 and we had talked about replacing it for a while so now was the opportunity. 

We bought a new desk (a standing one from Imovr, which we love) and need a new bookshelf or whatever to store everything in since the new desk has no cabinets or drawers. 

She’s been looking on Wayfair and I keep telling her, “Hey let’s just go to our Amish dude who we buy everything from. You know, the guy who designed our entire dining room set and every other bookshelf we own?)” 

We went Saturday and she asks him where the particular piece we were buying would be made.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

Was really expecting to read about the new wallpaper going up. Still 10/10

I was assuming the new one was going to look like the old one.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ROFL BOX 6649]

I'm keeping a list of items right now going on at my house during my wife's 5 month spring break/COVID pregnancy experience.  I shall list them out when the daughter is born.  

Neg bomb-a-comin' if you don't.

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[ROFL BOX 6649]

That was the best way to get free labor before the slave trade got going. 

Or, between the 1950's & 70's you always had someone around to change the TV channel.

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[hullabelew 3724]

9 hours ago, The Ace of Aces said:

We are both working from home and our jobs are transitioning into a WFH one mostly even when our county eventually reopens. Our office was rocking the $129 Target hutch style desk I bought immediately after graduating college in 2003 and we had talked about replacing it for a while so now was the opportunity. 

We bought a new desk (a standing one from Imovr, which we love) and need a new bookshelf or whatever to store everything in since the new desk has no cabinets or drawers. 

She’s been looking on Wayfair and I keep telling her, “Hey let’s just go to our Amish dude who we buy everything from. You know, the guy who designed our entire dining room set and every other bookshelf we own?)” 

We went Saturday and she asks him where the particular piece we were buying would be made.

This one happens at our house.   We had a dude remodel a kitchen and build a portico on the front (I call it a shed roof) and another one on the basement door.  He had done work on 3-4 other houses in our hood, and has done a ton of work since, on our recommendations.  He was under budget, ahead of schedule, not ONE problem.  

Few years roll around.  Time to remodel master bath.  "Let's use Matt", Hulla says.  "I want to try someone new" replies the spouse.  Her inane justifications go on and on, so I fold. 

In comes a crazy ass 'designer' and her Bosnian handyman.  I was keeping a list of all of the fucking trouble we had but I got disgusted and burned the book in a ceremonial pyre in the backyard once the nightmare was over.   I casually bring this up when we start looking at adding a screened in porch on the back of the house...as she wants to 'try someone new' for that project.  Hulla's foot came down, my shit-fit worked and the kitchen dude (Matt) was hired.  Again, under-budget, ahead of schedule, and even added about half a dozen things, at no charge, that he thought of during the process.  

Now, she is wanting some more work done upstairs and I see her perusing a local contractor book and that cesspool, Nextdoor.  "What da fuck ya doin', I axe her?  Just looking at contractors.  Fuckity, fuck, fuck.    Another tick on the wall of "Women just aren't meant to be happy or content unless they are stressing the fuck out about something.   

Carry on.