Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Flg8rfan 201]

Yesterday was going to clean the pool, had a ton of rain over the past week (had to drain off the pool 3 times) so I knew I’d need a bag of salt. Checked the local hardware store, they had it in stock so I figured I’d go grab a bag and be done.

My wife decided since she needed to go grocery shopping, she’d just take a water sample in and get the salt there. Ok, fine, as long as I don’t have to drive the 20 miles there, sure.

4 hours later She came home with groceries, no salt. They were out and said a lot of places were. She stopped at multiple places on her way home and couldn’t find any. Guess who went a mile down the road and came back with salt?

In addition to that, I had to go to the grocery store today because somehow in all of that shopping, she bought ZERO groceries for actual meals, just random stuff.

[tbone_ 14134]

Watching Moana with the kids reminded of this today so figured I’d share. A little long so sorry in advance.
Years ago we were in Mexico and I pointed out some coconut trees near our room.  Later that night the wife told me that she didn’t think they were coconuts because they were green and not brown.  I told her that I was pretty sure they were (knowing I was right) but dropped it since we were on vacation.
The only problem was that she was sure I was wrong and mentioned it every time we passed the trees (which was multiple times a day).  I basically was just giving noncommittal responses and it really started to irritate her, so she started asking random staff/guests who all agreed that it was indeed a coconut tree.
After a few days she blew up at me and showed me a picture of a ‘brown coconut’ she found online, so I finally pulled up a video of people husking coconuts and explained how the ‘brown’ is inside the green husk.
She was very upset by this turn of events and went from being mad at me for not telling her this before she made a fool of herself asking everyone about the tree, and jumping back into denial stating that we still didn’t know that it was a coconut tree because we hadn’t seen proof that a ‘brown coconut’ was inside.
On our last day she found a ‘green coconut’ that fell out of a tree and spent nearly 20 minutes trying to open it before telling me I needed to open it for her.  I told her no, that it was a big pain in the ass and that I was done with all of this.  She pouted but eventually relented because we had a nice dinner planned that night and still had to pack up for the trip home.
Going through customs on the way back guess what was in one of our bags that she conveniently forgot to declare causing us to miss our connecting flight home?

Outstanding.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

50 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Cuban cigars?

 

23 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

 

Brown, slender vibrators?

[HornOnTheBayou 8942]

I was reminded today of how easy it is to move a piece of furniture with another guy. If you say "turn", the other guy knows exactly which way and how far to turn. It is not as easy with a wife. 

[thunderlounge 7893]

Not as easy? How about damn near impossible. 

[luke duke 6413]

Watching Moana with the kids reminded of this today so figured I’d share. A little long so sorry in advance.
Years ago we were in Mexico and I pointed out some coconut trees near our room.  Later that night the wife told me that she didn’t think they were coconuts because they were green and not brown.  I told her that I was pretty sure they were (knowing I was right) but dropped it since we were on vacation.
The only problem was that she was sure I was wrong and mentioned it every time we passed the trees (which was multiple times a day).  I basically was just giving noncommittal responses and it really started to irritate her, so she started asking random staff/guests who all agreed that it was indeed a coconut tree.
After a few days she blew up at me and showed me a picture of a ‘brown coconut’ she found online, so I finally pulled up a video of people husking coconuts and explained how the ‘brown’ is inside the green husk.
She was very upset by this turn of events and went from being mad at me for not telling her this before she made a fool of herself asking everyone about the tree, and jumping back into denial stating that we still didn’t know that it was a coconut tree because we hadn’t seen proof that a ‘brown coconut’ was inside.
On our last day she found a ‘green coconut’ that fell out of a tree and spent nearly 20 minutes trying to open it before telling me I needed to open it for her.  I told her no, that it was a big pain in the ass and that I was done with all of this.  She pouted but eventually relented because we had a nice dinner planned that night and still had to pack up for the trip home.
Going through customs on the way back guess what was in one of our bags that she conveniently forgot to declare causing us to miss our connecting flight home?

She sounds hot.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

& By "hot", you mean somebody, somewhere is tired of putting up with her shit.

[HornOnTheBayou 8942]

45 minutes ago, thunderlounge said:

Not as easy? How about damn near impossible. 

I usually shy away from the whole "Men are more spatially-aware than women" thing, but it may be right. Or maybe it's just years of playing Tetris taught us how to move shapes to fit.

[Sandman 3405]

The wife and I went to the local outlet mall so she could get a new "work bag" to go along with her dozen others. I wound up getting a couple of pairs of shoes, she got her bag. As we drove home she said "See? this trip was profitable for both of us!". I explained that no, we didn't profit at all, we actually lost money. She was too happy about her bag to care what I said. Win/win, I guess.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21912]

So you took your wife shopping and you’re the one who bought shoes?

[Dennis Taylor 18848]

12 minutes ago, Sandman said:

The wife and I went to the local outlet mall so she could get a new "work bag" to go along with her dozen others. I wound up getting a couple of pairs of shoes, she got her bag. As we drove home she said "See? this trip was profitable for both of us!". I explained that no, we didn't profit at all, we actually lost money. She was too happy about her bag to care what I said. Win/win, I guess.

I don't think I've ever bought 2 pairs of shoes in the same 3 month period 

[Sandman 3405]

27 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I don't think I've ever bought 2 pairs of shoes in the same 3 month period 

Yeah, I'm a sneakerhead. I buy shoes all the time. 

[tbone_ 14134]

The wife and I went to the local outlet mall so she could get a new "work bag" to go along with her dozen others. I wound up getting a couple of pairs of shoes, she got her bag. As we drove home she said "See? this trip was profitable for both of us!". I explained that no, we didn't profit at all, we actually lost money. She was too happy about her bag to care what I said. Win/win, I guess.

Wait, you went to an outlet mall without a gun to your head?

[Sandman 3405]

7 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Wait, you went to an outlet mall without a gun to your head?

It's a trade-off. My wife has gone with me on road trips to buy old car parts, went to gun shows and gun stores, etc. Going to the mall is the least I can do. I get laid a lot as well, so I think my current system is working.

[TrashMaster G 17581]

19 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

Watching Moana with the kids reminded of this today so figured I’d share. A little long so sorry in advance.

Years ago we were in Mexico and I pointed out some coconut trees near our room.  Later that night the wife told me that she didn’t think they were coconuts because they were green and not brown.  I told her that I was pretty sure they were (knowing I was right) but dropped it since we were on vacation.

The only problem was that she was sure I was wrong and mentioned it every time we passed the trees (which was multiple times a day).  I basically was just giving noncommittal responses and it really started to irritate her, so she started asking random staff/guests who all agreed that it was indeed a coconut tree.

After a few days she blew up at me and showed me a picture of a ‘brown coconut’ she found online, so I finally pulled up a video of people husking coconuts and explained how the ‘brown’ is inside the green husk.

She was very upset by this turn of events and went from being mad at me for not telling her this before she made a fool of herself asking everyone about the tree, and jumping back into denial stating that we still didn’t know that it was a coconut tree because we hadn’t seen proof that a ‘brown coconut’ was inside.

On our last day she found a ‘green coconut’ that fell out of a tree and spent nearly 20 minutes trying to open it before telling me I needed to open it for her.  I told her no, that it was a big pain in the ass and that I was done with all of this.  She pouted but eventually relented because we had a nice dinner planned that night and still had to pack up for the trip home.

Going through customs on the way back guess what was in one of our bags that she conveniently forgot to declare causing us to miss our connecting flight home?

Awesome!

[tbone_ 14134]

It's a trade-off. My wife has gone with me on road trips to buy old car parts, went to gun shows and gun stores, etc. Going to the mall is the least I can do. I get laid a lot as well, so I think my current system is working.

Seems fair. Carry on.

[ABSR 5320]

21 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

@TKthunder2     bet you wished you had just husked the green one to shut her up.... 

Fixed it.

[Jameslaw121 4448]

Yesterday we kinda did our fathers day with both our parents since there is too much going on on the actual day. I smoked a chuck eye roast, my dad requested onions and peppers. Her parents are vegetarian and asked if I could cook some egg plant for them. No problem. And as always, I cook way to much food. Had about 2 lbs of smoked meat, a pretty large container of the peppers and onions left. As well as a bunch of egg plant.

This morning I asked my wife to get me some leftovers to take to work while I get the two kids ready to go. 

Guess who is apparently only having left over egg plant for lunch......

[WhatTheBuck 28794]

Ouch. 

[Mach 1 1677]

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:

Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.

Me: Oh yeah, who?

Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.

Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.

Wife:  Whatever.

Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.

Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.

Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?

Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)

 

[El Diablo 4232]

On 6/12/2020 at 6:30 AM, UT_OB1 said:

But you don't understand.  See there are conditions where even if you never eat any food your body just can't lose weight.  That condition effects approximately 1 in a billion, and she has a mild form of it.  So it doesn't matter how much she 'diets.'  She needs cobalt powder from the acupuncturist, fecal injections from someone who is sort of a licensed doctor in Dallas, and sublingual vitamin D.  

Guy in Spain, does this toad venom ritual. 

[mulletpelini 5214]

8 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:

Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.

Me: Oh yeah, who?

Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.

Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.

Wife:  Whatever.

Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.

Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.

Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?

Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)

 

Congrats on her being hot as fuck

[SHOOTER12 8814]

9 hours ago, Mach 1 said:

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:

Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.

Me: Oh yeah, who?

Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.

Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.

Wife:  Whatever.

Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.

Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.

Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?

Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)

 

Narrator:. For a woman/wife, it is.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Checked out Space Force and it reminded me of a nugget from the past:
Wife:  (la dee da voice) Saw someone famous today.
Me: Oh yeah, who?
Wife:  Can't remember his name.  He was in that weird movie awhile back, something like Looking for John Malkovich, or something.
Me: That would be Being John Malkovich.
Wife:  Whatever.
Me:   The name you're looking for is John Cusack.
Wife.  (thinks about it, shakes her head) No, not him, the other guy.
Me: (long pause) John Malkovich?
Wife:  Haha, yeah, him! (Goes on about her day as if that was normal)
 

My first guess would have been Matt Bullards brother

[davidg 4038]

19 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Guess who is apparently only having left over egg plant getting hot wings takeout for lunch......

Fixed it.

[Sandman 3405]

We recently got a hot tub and my dog keeps pissing on the side of it and it's making me angry. I go out with him when I can and try to keep him away but obviously, I'm not around for all of his outdoor trips. I always spray the tub off after I catch him doing it. My wife decided to add some water to the tub and in true wifely fashion, she just ditched the hose right there at the foot of the tub, instead of rolling it back up on the hose roller that she insisted on buying. Today the dog pissed on the tub and the hose that was laying next to the tub. She left right before it happened, so I texted her about it. No response yet.

Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

[CycleTex87 2979]

16 minutes ago, Sandman said:

We recently got a hot tub and my dog keeps pissing on the side of it and it's making me angry. I go out with him when I can and try to keep him away but obviously, I'm not around for all of his outdoor trips. I always spray the tub off after I catch him doing it. My wife decided to add some water to the tub and in true wifely fashion, she just ditched the hose right there at the foot of the tub, instead of rolling it back up on the hose roller that she insisted on buying. Today the dog pissed on the tub and the hose that was laying next to the tub. She left right before it happened, so I texted her about it. No response yet.

Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

Just rig up a shock wire and he’ll only piss on it one more time. 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

Assert dominance. Piss on wife and dog.

[Sandman 3405]

1 hour ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Assert dominance. Piss on wife and dog.

I've tried, she's not going for it.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

1 minute ago, Sandman said:

I've tried, she's not going for it.

That's not very assertive or dominant of you.

[deadshank 24653]

Which one of you has their wife trying to change lanes in the bank drive through right now?  Apparently she wants to be in front of me because the lane I’m in seems to her to be moving faster.  She’s got her blinker on and trying to wedge in.  

not gonna happen

unreal

[TKthunder2 4996]

Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

Honestly I have the opposite problem, the wife wants everything put away at all times.  The problem is that she puts shit in the most random places.

A week ago:

me-“Where is that new tape measure?”

wife-“I don’t know, why are you asking me?”

today:

[PhillyD 1257]

You should have known to check the stirring and measuring drawer.  Your fault.

Edited June 16, 2020 by PhillyD

[Frank The Tank 1497]

Both working from home and keeping the sixteen month old home from daycare...there have never been more dishes used in this house in our entire lives.  I'm constantly doing dishes and run the dishwasher at least once a day.  (I know, I know...she should be running once a day anyway.)  But she just never stops making it worse.  The kid is eating real food these days, but needs it all cut up into bite size pieces.  I get it, no problem.

This morning she used a roughly 7" chef's knife to cut up a microwaved waffle for the kid.  Both cutting board and knife have been sitting on the kitchen island since 8am.  Neither seem particularly dirty.  Lunch comes around and she then apparently pulled out a 9" carving knife (like we would use on Thanksgiving) and a whole new cutting board to cut up the kid's turkey sandwich.  They are both now sitting next to the previously barely used knife and cutting board.  WTF? Can she not see them? Did it need a whole new giant knife? Is it physically impossible for her to clean these and put them away when she's done? I just don't understand.

[hullabelew 3724]

@TKthunder2 bringing it.  That tape measure is killing me.  Out-fucking-standing. 

 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2738]

Still waiting for a female to explain why they just drop shit on the spot when they're done with it. My wife and 2 daughters do the same thing. I find random stuff all over because they can't put anything back from where it came.

You uh, you new to how this all works? This is standard for all wives and kids.

[blacklab 11941]

9 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Assert dominance. Piss on wife and dog.

 

8 hours ago, Sandman said:

I've tried, she's not going for it.

 

Does she sleep at some point every night?

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Which one of you has their wife trying to change lanes in the bank drive through right now?  Apparently she wants to be in front of me because the lane I’m in seems to her to be moving faster.  She’s got her blinker on and trying to wedge in.  

not gonna happen
unreal

Wish there was a video to this

[mulletpelini 5214]

when you have all the pussy, you can be as lazy as you want to.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

3 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

when you have all the pussy, you can be as lazy as you want to.

*All the pussy and half the money

[Jimbaround 975]

Both working from home and keeping the sixteen month old home from daycare...there have never been more dishes used in this house in our entire lives.  I'm constantly doing dishes and run the dishwasher at least once a day.  (I know, I know...she should be running once a day anyway.)  But she just never stops making it worse.  The kid is eating real food these days, but needs it all cut up into bite size pieces.  I get it, no problem.
This morning she used a roughly 7" chef's knife to cut up a microwaved waffle for the kid.  Both cutting board and knife have been sitting on the kitchen island since 8am.  Neither seem particularly dirty.  Lunch comes around and she then apparently pulled out a 9" carving knife (like we would use on Thanksgiving) and a whole new cutting board to cut up the kid's turkey sandwich.  They are both now sitting next to the previously barely used knife and cutting board.  WTF? Can she not see them? Did it need a whole new giant knife? Is it physically impossible for her to clean these and put them away when she's done? I just don't understand.

I feel your pain. She won’t use multiple boards, but she’ll make a salad or something with multiple ingredients and NOTHING is put away or cleaned for hours (dirty cutting board, dirty knife, package of lettuce, half used cucumber, half cut bell pepper, salad dressing bottle, salt, pepper). Boggles my mind. It’s like she thinks the salad will go bad if she took one minute to put the ingredients away.

[deadshank 24653]

20 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

Both working from home and keeping the sixteen month old home from daycare...there have never been more dishes used in this house in our entire lives.  I'm constantly doing dishes and run the dishwasher at least once a day.  (I know, I know...she should be running once a day anyway.)  But she just never stops making it worse.  The kid is eating real food these days, but needs it all cut up into bite size pieces.  I get it, no problem.

This morning she used a roughly 7" chef's knife to cut up a microwaved waffle for the kid.  Both cutting board and knife have been sitting on the kitchen island since 8am.  Neither seem particularly dirty.  Lunch comes around and she then apparently pulled out a 9" carving knife (like we would use on Thanksgiving) and a whole new cutting board to cut up the kid's turkey sandwich.  They are both now sitting next to the previously barely used knife and cutting board.  WTF? Can she not see them? Did it need a whole new giant knife? Is it physically impossible for her to clean these and put them away when she's done? I just don't understand.

 

1 hour ago, Jimbaround said:

I feel your pain. She won’t use multiple boards, but she’ll make a salad or something with multiple ingredients and NOTHING is put away or cleaned for hours (dirty cutting board, dirty knife, package of lettuce, half used cucumber, half cut bell pepper, salad dressing bottle, salt, pepper). Boggles my mind. It’s like she thinks the salad will go bad if she took one minute to put the ingredients away.

Why did  you two meatheads marry the guys on my deer lease?

[Jimbaround 975]

On 6/17/2020 at 9:47 AM, deadshank said:

 

Why did  you two meatheads marry the guys on my deer lease?

Well, he does make a great salad.

Edited June 18, 2020 by Jimbaround

[NeverMarryAStripper 21912]

By make you mean toss right?

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

Wife via text at the store: I can't understand why there is such a shortage on TP & paper towels!

Me: Because people messed up the supply chain when they hoarded 3 months of supply in 2 weeks. Are we out of TP or paper towels?

Her: No. But I'm thinking of getting some if I see them anywhere just in case. 

Me: So you are hoarding.

Her: Tone. 

[mulletpelini 5214]

I knew all along it was a woman tissue issue, was there any doubt really?

Edited June 20, 2020 by mulletpelini
I mean, who thinks like that?

[Pato del Muerto 52535]

Wife bought some garden stakes for the tomato plants. We go out there today and I look at them and see the end that is up has a pointed tip. 
hey hon, are these pointed on both ends or did you push the flat end into the dirt?

they were not pointed at both ends. 

[Biff Tannen 45695]

Just pressure washed the back deck with the wife helping and made the mistake of pointing at a spot for her to get when she had the wand. Got the back part of my index finger grazed by the water and now it stings like a motherfucker. Didn’t break the skin too much, but I immediately realized this would have to be filed under stupid shit husbands do. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Wife via text at the store: I can't understand why there is such a shortage on TP & paper towels!
Me: Because people messed up the supply chain when they hoarded 3 months of supply in 2 weeks. Are we out of TP or paper towels?
Her: No. But I'm thinking of getting some if I see them anywhere just in case. 
Me: So you are hoarding.
Her: Tone. 

I haven’t boughten TP in months and it feels great. Still have 2 charmin ultra soft 24 pack 2x 48 rolls super packs left. May be good until October

[Pato del Muerto 52535]

39 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Just pressure washed the back deck with the wife helping and made the mistake of pointing at a spot for her to get when she had the wand. Got the back part of my index finger grazed by the water and now it stings like a motherfucker. Didn’t break the skin too much, but I immediately realized this would have to be filed under stupid shit husbands do. 

The stupid thing was handing her the wand, not the pointing.