Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[66BUFF 2,562]

2 hours ago, deadshank said:

And....this is Victor. 

Vic Richards?

[deadshank 24,652]

2 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I was thinking more like Victoria

 

So was @ROFL BOX

[SHOOTER12 8,805]

2 hours ago, tbone_ said:

You gotta clean that disgusting grout man

Screw that. Mrs Shooter complained I should help with cleaning the grout about 20 something years ago.  OK I said and turned around and opened the cutlery drawer, turned around and walked out of the kitchen and into the bathroom and waited.  Sure enough a few seconds later I heard her holler "oh shit".  Just as she flew into the bathroom I drug the point of an old butter knife down a grout line.  "What are you doing"?  I'm cleaning the grout. "Well you don't do it like that".  Well, that's the way I've always done it.  "Nevermind I'll just do it myself".

The subject has never come up again, I've never been asked again, and the grout is spotless and beautiful if I do say so myself.

Edited July 8, 2020 by SHOOTER12

[Dennis Taylor 18,814]

16 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Screw that. Mrs Shooter complained I should help with cleaning the grout about 20 something years ago.  OK I said and turned around and opened the cutlery drawer, turned around and walked out of the kitchen and into the bathroom and waited.  Sure enough a few seconds later I heard her holler "oh shit".  Just as she flew into the bathroom I drug the point of an old butter knife down a grout line.  "What are you doing"?  I'm cleaning the grout. "Well you don't do it like that".  Well, that's the way I've always done it.  "Nevermind I'll just do it myself".

The subject has never come up again, I've never been asked again, and the grout is spotless and beautiful if I do say so myself.

[Nivek 16,923]

Background: Wife's phone has a shattered screen and is difficult to read.  She needed to run an errand so I lent her my phone to take with her on her errand.  Before she left, I was making a grocery order online.   She returns and tells me she did the same while she was out.  Guess how she communicated this to me. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

Background: Wife's phone has a shattered screen and is difficult to read.  She needed to run an errand so I lent her my phone to take with her on her errand.  Before she left, I was making a grocery order online.   She returns and tells me she did the same while she was out.  Guess how she communicated this to me. 

No no no. She can nut up and get her shattered screen fixed.

I have all the kids shitty phones that they don’t use. I’d put my wife’s SIM card in one of those.

No way I’d give my wife my phone.

[OrangEngr 1,035]

1 hour ago, Flg8rfan said:

No no no. She can nut up and get her shattered screen fixed.

I have all the kids shitty phones that they don’t use. I’d put my wife’s SIM card in one of those.

No way I’d give my wife my phone.

Yeah, that’s asking for two phones with shattered screens

[OrangEngr 1,035]

My wife is on her weekly Zoom Netflix and chill group with her friends. She can’t make her internal microphone work, so I give her my work headset. I cannot stand giving over the shoulder IT advice. Either don’t ask, or get the fuck out of the way and let me fix it.

[Sam Lin 3,556]

2 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

Either don’t ask, or get the fuck out of the way and let me fix it.

Yeah, that's not how this works.

[TrashMaster G 17,553]

2 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

My wife is on her weekly Zoom Netflix and chill group with her friends. She can’t make her internal microphone work, so I give her my work headset. I cannot stand giving over the shoulder IT advice. Either don’t ask, or get the fuck out of the way and let me fix it.

If she gives up the chair then you are saying she's too dumb to fix it and you are diminishing her womanhood, you insensitive bastard. 

[mulletpelini 5,211]

4 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

Yeah, that’s asking for two phones with shattered screens

I've owned approx 15 cellphones in my lifetime.  I cracked one screen one time.  A single crack across the entire face that was still completely usable.  Pretty sure it was warm and I had it in my back pocket and sat on it.

If the old lady had 15 cellphones in her lifetime, wanna guess how many have sustained shattered screens?

[SHOOTER12 8,805]

Just now, mulletpelini said:

I've owned approx 15 cellphones in my lifetime.  I cracked one screen one time.  A single crack across the entire face that was still completely usable.  Pretty sure it was warm and I had it in my back pocket and sat on it.

If the old lady had 15 cellphones in her lifetime, wanna guess how many have sustained shattered screens?

Elleventy?

[mulletpelini 5,211]

Actually the answer is 27 but you're close.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

36 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Actually the answer is 27 but you're close.

The real discussion is why all 35 of them were your fault, you insensitive jackass.

 

/Tone

[mulletpelini 5,211]

35?  Easily double that.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

At the end of our block is a cul de sac. We live on the straight part of the block on right side of the road facing the end, so when visitors (and we ourselves occasionally) arrive at the house, a driver can park by the curb in front and be facing the correct direction so that when said driver leaves, he just has to drive 100 more feet and drive around the circle and head back out. No need to ever put the car in reverse. Delivery drivers do this move all the time when they come by the house. 

For whatever reason, Mrs CL refuses to do this. She insists on pulling into the neighbors' driveway across the street and then executing a tight three point turn that takes at least as much time as going around the loop. 

This morning, another neighbor had an overnight guest who had parked across the street from said driveway. While executing her usual but unnecessary three point turn, Mrs CL backed into the neighbor's guest's car and dinged it pretty good. 

Naturally, she was mad that this car had been parked in that location. 

I don't even know where to begin. 

[Pato del Muerto 52,490]

I’d begin with the hand. Show it to her, give it to her firmly and across the face. 

[thunderlounge 7,820]

14 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

At the end of our block is a cul de sac. We live on the straight part of the block on right side of the road facing the end, so when visitors (and we ourselves occasionally) arrive at the house, a driver can park by the curb in front and be facing the correct direction so that when said driver leaves, he just has to drive 100 more feet and drive around the circle and head back out. No need to ever put the car in reverse. Delivery drivers do this move all the time when they come by the house. 

For whatever reason, Mrs CL refuses to do this. She insists on pulling into the neighbors' driveway across the street and then executing a tight three point turn that takes at least as much time as going around the loop. 

This morning, another neighbor had an overnight guest who had parked across the street from said driveway. While executing her usual but unnecessary three point turn, Mrs CL backed into the neighbor's guest's car and dinged it pretty good. 

Naturally, she was mad that this car had been parked in that location. 

I don't even know where to begin. 

Mine did similar a few years ago. Minus the 3-point, and straight up backed right into the trailer the neighbor across street had parked (and even coned off) on said street. 
 

Smack right into it like it wasn’t even there. Punched a nice hole in the bumper, that’s still there today. The trailer? No scratch at all. 

[wd40 1,976]

21 minutes ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

At the end of our block is a cul de sac. We live on the straight part of the block on right side of the road facing the end, so when visitors (and we ourselves occasionally) arrive at the house, a driver can park by the curb in front and be facing the correct direction so that when said driver leaves, he just has to drive 100 more feet and drive around the circle and head back out. No need to ever put the car in reverse. Delivery drivers do this move all the time when they come by the house. 

For whatever reason, Mrs CL refuses to do this. She insists on pulling into the neighbors' driveway across the street and then executing a tight three point turn that takes at least as much time as going around the loop. 

This morning, another neighbor had an overnight guest who had parked across the street from said driveway. While executing her usual but unnecessary three point turn, Mrs CL backed into the neighbor's guest's car and dinged it pretty good. 

Naturally, she was mad that this car had been parked in that location. 

I don't even know where to begin. 

[SilasCoade 2,622]

13 hours ago, Nivek said:

Background: Wife's phone has a shattered screen and is difficult to read.  She needed to run an errand so I lent her my phone to take with her on her errand.  Before she left, I was making a grocery order online.   She returns and tells me she did the same while she was out.  Guess how she communicated this to me. 

This is one reason I still use my Google Voice number and Hangouts. Get all my texts on my laptop/desktop/whatever.

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

2 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

At the end of our block is a cul de sac. We live on the straight part of the block on right side of the road facing the end, so when visitors (and we ourselves occasionally) arrive at the house, a driver can park by the curb in front and be facing the correct direction so that when said driver leaves, he just has to drive 100 more feet and drive around the circle and head back out. No need to ever put the car in reverse. Delivery drivers do this move all the time when they come by the house. 

For whatever reason, Mrs CL refuses to do this. She insists on pulling into the neighbors' driveway across the street and then executing a tight three point turn that takes at least as much time as going around the loop. 

This morning, another neighbor had an overnight guest who had parked across the street from said driveway. While executing her usual but unnecessary three point turn, Mrs CL backed into the neighbor's guest's car and dinged it pretty good. 

Naturally, she was mad that this car had been parked in that location. 

I don't even know where to begin. 

This would be much better in MSPaint

[Kennythetiger 9,380]

21 hours ago, Upgrayedd said:

Chicks dig the hand-held shower heads.  Easier to spray the couchie according to my GF.

Pays dividends in the long run.  

Butts too.

[Js1 85,317]

13 hours ago, OrangEngr said:

Yeah, that’s asking for two phones with shattered screens

That's how I thought the story would end. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

22 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Butts too.

This was the best of the Trilogy.

[thunderlounge 7,820]

12 minutes ago, Js1 said:

That's how I thought the story would end. 

Well we knew it wasn’t ending with a blowjob.

Edited July 9, 2020 by thunderlounge

[HoffaJimmy 316]

On 7/7/2020 at 4:45 PM, Tylerocks said:

Whole roasted chicken last night.  She usually does a great job with it..

Breaking down the remaining bird after we were finished.

Sure enough...giblet bag in the cavity. SMH

She said she pulled out a bag...which I suppose is a possibility?  Or she pulled the neck out and left the bag.

anyway, we didn't die and the bag didn't seem to melt.

[Nivek 16,923]

2 hours ago, Js1 said:

That's how I thought the story would end. 

That would make sense.  Texting me from my phone however....

[thunderlounge 7,820]

1 hour ago, Nivek said:

Texting me from my phone however....

 

 

Definitely qualifies as, "Stupid Shit" in pretty much every book out there.

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

I always keep one of my older phones in case mine breaks, because I absolutely have to have my phone for work. One time when we were still dating, she was getting the screen replaced and it needed to be shipped. She didn't want to be without a phone for two days, so I gave her my back up.

About four hours later I get this text:

"Whose the naked blonde chick in you photos???"

 

 

[tbone_ 14,118]

Worthless post without pics of naked blonde

[mulletpelini 5,211]

20 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I always keep one of my older phones in case mine breaks, because I absolutely have to have my phone for work. One time when we were still dating, she was getting the screen replaced and it needed to be shipped. She didn't want to be without a phone for two days, so I gave her my back up.

About four hours later I get this text:

"Whose the naked blonde chick in you photos???"

 

 

Well that's at least easier to explain than "Who's* the naked blonde chick you're in in you photos???"

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,732]

Our family of four is going with an old friend of mine and his family of four to Gulf Shores. Wife packs the two leftover hamburger buns even though we have a grocery order with eight buns when we get there.

[ss13 1,832]

Two possible extra burgers is pretty low on this thread's list. 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Please tell us she packed them in a location that makes them totally smashed flat by the time you cross the county line.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[Wulaw Horn 19,069]

13 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

At the end of our block is a cul de sac. We live on the straight part of the block on right side of the road facing the end, so when visitors (and we ourselves occasionally) arrive at the house, a driver can park by the curb in front and be facing the correct direction so that when said driver leaves, he just has to drive 100 more feet and drive around the circle and head back out. No need to ever put the car in reverse. Delivery drivers do this move all the time when they come by the house. 

For whatever reason, Mrs CL refuses to do this. She insists on pulling into the neighbors' driveway across the street and then executing a tight three point turn that takes at least as much time as going around the loop. 

This morning, another neighbor had an overnight guest who had parked across the street from said driveway. While executing her usual but unnecessary three point turn, Mrs CL backed into the neighbor's guest's car and dinged it pretty good. 

Naturally, she was mad that this car had been parked in that location. 

I don't even know where to begin. 

It’s possible I’m your wife as I did this exact thing myself. It was totally my fault. That said, you should never park directly behind someone’s driveway if there is any way you can avoid it- because people (like me) are stupid and careless idiots. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,732]

Two possible extra burgers is pretty low on this thread's list. 

Maybe so but this is but one example of the cupboard cleaning that should be going in the trash and not packed for a trip.

[Dennis Taylor 18,814]

14 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

At the end of our block is a cul de sac. We live on the straight part of the block on right side of the road facing the end, so when visitors (and we ourselves occasionally) arrive at the house, a driver can park by the curb in front and be facing the correct direction so that when said driver leaves, he just has to drive 100 more feet and drive around the circle and head back out. No need to ever put the car in reverse. Delivery drivers do this move all the time when they come by the house. 

For whatever reason, Mrs CL refuses to do this. She insists on pulling into the neighbors' driveway across the street and then executing a tight three point turn that takes at least as much time as going around the loop. 

This morning, another neighbor had an overnight guest who had parked across the street from said driveway. While executing her usual but unnecessary three point turn, Mrs CL backed into the neighbor's guest's car and dinged it pretty good. 

Naturally, she was mad that this car had been parked in that location. 

I don't even know where to begin. 

Perfect opportunity to point out the correct way to do it 

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

Our neighbors across the street park directly behind our driveway all the time. Drives me crazy. And they still do it even after I've asked them to stop.

I am not sure why Mrs CL has never hit their cars yet; I would be OK with that. 

[Sam Lin 3,556]

3 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Our family of four is going with an old friend of mine and his family of four to Gulf Shores. Wife packs the two leftover hamburger buns even though we have a grocery order with eight buns when we get there.

Who prepares 8 burgers for 8 people? Does no one eat 2 burgers? Always make extra burgers.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,732]

We do because we are not great big fat people.

[Modessit 5,600]

My wife would take any bread that would be bad by our return so the kids can feed seagulls or whatever.

[ss13 1,832]

T’Boo can’t win with two extra hamburger buns. That is such a fucking stupid thing to whine about, he loses. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,732]

Eh

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

15 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Eh

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,905]

7 hours ago, Modessit said:

My wife would take any bread that would be bad by our return so the kids can feed seagulls or whatever.

I hope they shit all over her head

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

7 hours ago, ss13 said:

T’Boo ... he loses. 

Given some of the goofy shit he posts about in this thread re: shit his wife says or does, I'd say that is accurate.

[BHMCruiser 1,813]

14 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Our neighbors across the street park directly behind our driveway all the time. Drives me crazy. And they still do it even after I've asked them to stop.

I am not sure why Mrs CL has never hit their cars yet; I would be OK with that. 

you ask your neighbors to change where they park in front of their own house?

 

honestly it would never occur to me to do that. and if my neighbor did that to me I would buy more cars just to park in front of his driveway

[Kennythetiger 9,380]

I've had people ask me to move my vehicle when I've inadvertently parked right behind their driveway.  Doesn't bother me a bit to move.  Their wife might be backing out.  

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

30 minutes ago, BHMCruiser said:

you ask your neighbors to change where they park in front of their own house?

 

honestly it would never occur to me to do that. and if my neighbor did that to me I would buy more cars just to park in front of his driveway

This is why i would be the biggest asshole in the world if I was a billionaire. 

[nnm 36,377]

2 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I hope they shit all over her head

You can find that on the shag.