Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

2 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

you ask your neighbors to change where they park in front of their own house?

 

honestly it would never occur to me to do that. and if my neighbor did that to me I would buy more cars just to park in front of his driveway

Why not? There's plenty of room in front of their house that isn't directly behind my driveway. It makes it hard for me to back out of my own driveway sometimes because the street is somewhat narrow, especially on trash day or if there is another car parked in front my house and there is little room to get turned.

I make a point never park directly behind their driveway as I think that's a decidedly unneighborly thing to do if it can be avoided. 

Edited July 10, 2020 by crimsonlonghorn

[nnm 36,635]

Problem: You may hit things backing out of your driveway.

Solution:  Back into your garage/driveway.

When I was about 10, we had a big gathering at our family ranch.  Typical thing we’d do a couple of times a year.  Extended family all coming in, we’d slaughter a calf, etc.  Everybody’s having a good time.  Then a pall was cast over the group.  My 2nd cousin had backed over her 2 yo son backing out of her driveway.  Ever since then, I’ve been paranoid about that issue.  Then, in the energy industry, I took advanced driving courses, all of which preached “first move forward.”  I’ve even hired those guys to come do a private instructing session with my family here at my home.  They’ve improved all of our driving.  But especially first move forward.  We all do it now, especially at home.  

Edited July 10, 2020 by nnm

[Flg8rfan 201]

Why not? There's plenty of room in front of their house that isn't directly behind my driveway. It makes it hard for me to back out of my own driveway sometimes because the street is somewhat narrow, especially on trash day or if there is another car parked in front my house and there is little room to get turned.
I make a point never park directly behind their driveway as I think that's a decidedly unneighborly thing to do if it can be avoided. 

I’m kind of with CL on this but for different reasons. If you park on the street across from a driveway, you’re an asshole.

[BHMCruiser 1,816]

I need to buy some more across-from-the-driveway cars brb

[Pokoloco 1,282]

"I'd like to be a spy on the wall in there"

-Trixie J. McHoolihay

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,921]

15 minutes ago, nnm said:

Problem: You may hit things backing out of your driveway.

Solution:  Back into your garage/driveway.

Then you just back over your stuff instead of the neighbor's

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

3 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Then you just back over your stuff instead of the neighbor's

That'll teach 'em

[nnm 36,635]

26 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Then you just back over your stuff instead of the neighbor's

No, you visually “clear” the area you’re about to back into as you drive up, and then you use your mirrors and backup camera to safely put yourself where you’re supposed to be.  Even Mrs. NNM can do this.  Then as she drives forward out of the garage, onto the street, we’re virtually guaranteed she doesn’t hit anything on her way out.  Especially the unexpected dog, or jogger, or postman, or car parked on our cul-de-sac curve.  

[CycleTex87 2,981]

1 hour ago, nnm said:

Problem: You may hit things backing out of your driveway.

Solution:  Back into your garage/driveway.

When I was about 10, we had a big gathering at our family ranch.  Typical thing we’d do a couple of times a year.  Extended family all coming in, we’d slaughter a calf, etc.  Everybody’s having a good time.  Then a pall was cast over the group.  My 2nd cousin had backed over her 2 yo son backing out of her driveway.  Ever since then, I’ve been paranoid about that issue.  Then, in the energy industry, I took advanced driving courses, all of which preached “first move forward.”  I’ve even hired those guys to come do a private instructing session with my family here at my home.  They’ve improved all of our driving.  But especially first move forward.  We all do it now, especially at home.  

Smith Driving FTW?

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

I still think Poko's deaf. 

[Pokoloco 1,282]

Wah?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[The Ace of Aces 5,194]

Since we are working for home indefinitely we bought a standing desk for Mrs. Ace. It’s quite nice. Made in America, solid maple top, etc. 

I preset the height to match her needs and told her to lower it just push down on the control pad. She asks if it needs to stay plugged in and I say no, but you can’t change the height without plugging it so why would you ever unplug it?

 

She unplugged it about 10 minutes later. I plugged it back in later that day.

Fast forward a week or so to today. During a Zoom meeting I get frantic texts about how the desk is broken. She came in my office and interrupted said meeting, saying it’s broken. 

I walk out and into her office, plug the damn thing back in, grab her hand and put it on the control, and walk off. 

 

[nnm 36,635]

That’s about all you’re going to be putting her hand on for a while. 

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

4 hours ago, nnm said:

No, you visually “clear” the area you’re about to back into as you drive up, and then you use your mirrors and backup camera to safely put yourself where you’re supposed to be.  Even Mrs. NNM can do this.  Then as she drives forward out of the garage, onto the street, we’re virtually guaranteed she doesn’t hit anything on her way out.  Especially the unexpected dog, or jogger, or postman, or car parked on our cul-de-sac curve.  

[SHOOTER12 8,828]

5 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Why not? There's plenty of room in front of their house that isn't directly behind my driveway. It makes it hard for me to back out of my own driveway sometimes because the street is somewhat narrow, especially on trash day or if there is another car parked in front my house and there is little room to get turned.

I make a point never park directly behind their driveway as I think that's a decidedly unneighborly thing to do if it can be avoided. 

There's one sure way to stop it. TBone them with your rear bumper a couple of times

[TrashMaster G 17,599]

22 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Perfect opportunity to point out the correct way to do it 

Exactly. Because she is sure to be in a great frame of mind to hear what she sis wrong.

22 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Our neighbors across the street park directly behind our driveway all the time. Drives me crazy. And they still do it even after I've asked them to stop.

I am not sure why Mrs CL has never hit their cars yet; I would be OK with that. 

Hit them 3 or 4 times and they'll probably stop. 

8 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

you ask your neighbors to change where they park in front of their own house?

 

honestly it would never occur to me to do that. and if my neighbor did that to me I would buy more cars just to park in front of his driveway

It would never occur to me to park right across from somebody else's driveway.  Then again, I've discovered I'm more considerate than probably 90% of the population. 

[Sam Lin 3,561]

1 hour ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Since we are working for home indefinitely we bought a standing desk for Mrs. Ace. It’s quite nice. Made in America, solid maple top, etc. 

I preset the height to match her needs and told her to lower it just push down on the control pad. She asks if it needs to stay plugged in and I say no, but you can’t change the height without plugging it so why would you ever unplug it?

 

She unplugged it about 10 minutes later. I plugged it back in later that day.

Fast forward a week or so to today. During a Zoom meeting I get frantic texts about how the desk is broken. She came in my office and interrupted said meeting, saying it’s broken. 

I walk out and into her office, plug the damn thing back in, grab her hand and put it on the control, and walk off. 

 

 

That one's on you. Alternate timeline below:

 

1 hour ago, The Ace of Aces said:

Since we are working for home indefinitely we bought a standing desk for Mrs. Ace. It’s quite nice. Made in America, solid maple top, etc. 

I preset the height to match her needs and told her to lower it just push down on the control pad. She asks if it needs to stay plugged in and I say yes

 

[Viper 12,112]

Randomly threw a flower pot at me last night. I'm sitting in the emergency clinic getting sutures and a tetanus shot now. 

[ss13 1,832]

Damn, we have a poster’s mom in jail until Monday for less than that. 

[Viper 12,112]

They finally busted South Austin's mom for solicitation?

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

Yeah we're going to need to hear those two stories

[deadshank 24,653]

3 hours ago, Viper said:

Randomly threw a flower pot at me last night. I'm sitting in the emergency clinic getting sutures and a tetanus shot now. 

 

3 hours ago, ss13 said:

Damn, we have a poster’s mom in jail until Monday for less than that. 

Maybe TXSG8R’s mom is Viper’s wife.  
 

This is Surly.  Stranger things have happened. 

[Modessit 5,603]

Yeah we're going to need to hear those two stories

The 2nd one is posted elsewhere and doesn't need to be posted here. Nor WHERE it is posted. Find it.

[crimsonlonghorn 2,306]

6 hours ago, Viper said:

Randomly threw a flower pot at me last night. I'm sitting in the emergency clinic getting sutures and a tetanus shot now. 

Mrs CL and I used to have terrible fights when we were newlyweds 20 years ago. She threw a mug of tea at me from across the room one time. I ducked and it smashed against the wall behind my recliner and left a giant scar in paint. (painted over wood paneling)

I left it there until that wall got ripped out 3-4 years later when we remodeled the old house.

Anytime a fight would get heated I would point at that spot on the wall and we'd laugh and agree not to get that angry again. It worked. 

[Viper 12,112]

Wasn't a fight, we were just drinking with some friends and she decided to throw our ceramic flower pot out the backyard and I accidentally got hit. 

[Hook1997 5,402]

1 hour ago, Viper said:

Wasn't a fight, we were just drinking with some friends and she decided to throw our ceramic flower pot out the backyard and I accidentally got hit. 

That’s her story and she’s sticking to it!  

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

On 7/6/2020 at 7:14 PM, CycleTex87 said:

Sometime last week my wife decided to become a vegan.  Right before the 4th of July when I was planning a brisket. I’m talking about no eggs, no milk or cheese, no oils, any kind of nuts, honey, and forget about cookies or ice cream or any of the other fun summer stuff we normally do.  No guacamole or avocado (fat), hummus (oils), etc. just beans, brown rice, fruits and vegetables.  She made me watch a movie about it.  Sure let’s eat healthier, but c’mon.  FML. 

How that new ultra vegan lifestyle going? Curious to see if she is still still sticking with it.

[BearSchlong 8,114]

I sweater god that 99% of the questions they ask are rhetorical. 

Tonight for me it was. . .why are all the dogs toys in the hallway? Why are the dogs on my side of the bed? Will you let the dogs out before you go to sleep?

Me - because you havent picked them up. Because you're in the den watching a movie and I'm taking up half our king sized bed. They need to go out at 9:30, why dont you take them out.

I downed a sleeping pill early because I'm getting up at 3 to go fish.

To be fair she ran out of estrogen patches and the pharmacy is out til monday. So I just have to put up with her prancing about the house asking passive aggressive questions.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,921]

Wasn't a fight, we were just drinking with some friends and she decided to throw our ceramic flower pot out the backyard and I accidentally got hit. 

It was a one in a million shot doc

[CycleTex87 2,981]

11 hours ago, Grade of D as in David said:

How that new ultra vegan lifestyle going? Curious to see if she is still still sticking with it.

Yep, still going. Yesterday I grilled burgers (American Wagyu Beef from HEB) for me and the kids, grilled portobello mushrooms for her. The mushrooms were tasty, but the burgers were awesome.

Edited July 12, 2020 by CycleTex87
Tapa sig gone

[VolenteHawk 495]

12 hours ago, Viper said:

Wasn't a fight, we were just drinking with some friends and she decided to throw our ceramic flower pot out the backyard and I accidentally got hit. 

Uh huh. Blink three times if you need help.

[thunderlounge 7,935]

18 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Mrs CL and I used to have terrible fights when we were newlyweds 20 years ago. She threw a mug of tea at me from across the room one time.

 

How very English of her.

 

Last thing my ex wife threw at me was a remote control. Whizzed by my head as I was walking away, stuck in the drywall. I turned around, looked at her, and said, "Pack it up. You're out."

That was it. 45 days later, freedom, and I it cost me was my own attorney to draw it up and file. Probably the easiest money he ever made.

 

 

[happyhookem 224]

19 hours ago, Viper said:

Wasn't a fight, we were just drinking with some friends and she decided to throw our ceramic flower pot out the backyard and I accidentally got hit. 

 

"Sorry, officer. I've been meaning to get rid of that flower pot and when I threw it out his head just happened to be in the way."

[thunderlounge 7,935]

You know, some folks in the psychiatric world subscribe to the train of thought that there are no “accidents”, and that deep down in the subconscious the actions were intentional.  

[Hate 20,145]

Yep, still going. Yesterday I grilled burgers (American Wagyu Beef from HEB) for me and the kids, grilled portobello mushrooms for her. The mushrooms were tasty, but the burgers were awesome.

Those Wagyu burgers are outstanding. I won’t make any other burgers after eating those. I currently have a Wagyu Mississippi Pot Roast going in the crock pot.

[Jerry Callo 8,727]

24 minutes ago, Hate said:

Those Wagyu burgers are outstanding. I won’t make any other burgers after eating those. I currently have a Wagyu Mississippi Pot Roast going in the crock pot.

I don't get the Wagyu burger thing - came up the other night when a VY Steakhouse commercial came on touting Wagyu burgers.  Wagyu is special because of the excess marbling - which makes a world of difference in large muscle cuts.  I don't see how Wagyu 80/20 ground chuck would have more marbling than regular 80/20 chuck?

[Hate 20,145]

Just buy the 2pack next time you are at H-E-B and give them a try. The texture is so smooth when you chew it. I’ve never had a better burger. Be careful if you grill them though. Keep them off of direct flame as the generate a lot of grease and can burn very easily.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18,575]

On 7/11/2020 at 7:47 PM, Viper said:

Wasn't a fight, we were just drinking with some friends and she decided to throw our ceramic flower pot out the backyard and I accidentally got hit. 

Years ago, my wife was wasted and we got into a fight. She was sitting on the bed and next to it was an end table where the tabletop is essentially a large round tray that sits on a tripod-like stand. The top isn't affixed to the stand, so you can lift it straight off. I can't remember what I said to her but I pissed her off enough that she tried to throw it at me. I was standing about 15 feet away in the doorway. She reached over, grabbed the tray off the stand, and threw it... it maybe traveled three feet not anywhere toward me and then she fell off the bed. The whole thing happened in what seemed like slow motion. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything in my life. So, on one hand, attempted assault. On the other, classic slapstick. 

[thunderlounge 7,935]

Can’t imagine with her, um, decorating choices, that there would be that many direct paths to hurl something at you from more than a couple feet. Seems like there would be a lot of opportunities for cover. 

[wd40 1,976]

3 hours ago, Hate said:

Just buy the 2pack next time you are at H-E-B and give them a try. The texture is so smooth when you chew it. I’ve never had a better burger. Be careful if you grill them though. Keep them off of direct flame as the generate a lot of grease and can burn very easily.

so it's warm, greasy, meat-flavored Gogurt?

pass.

 

[Sam Lin 3,561]

2 hours ago, wd40 said:

so it's warm, greasy, meat-flavored Gogurt?

Go on...

[NateHitch 1,282]

Been a while since I visited this thread but just had something so ridiculous happen that I was instantly reminded of it. Wife and I are sitting down watching a documentary about Yellowstone as winter approaches. We're both really into it. I'm tired, long day at work and 2 drinks in but really enjoying the show. They get to a part about foxes hunting in the snow, jumping and nosediving to catch mice or whatever they can find. Wife is talking and commenting and saying something about how they seem so cat-like and I'm neither listening nor not listening, not offering any opinions of my own, I just want to watch the show.

So the segment ends and they move on and the wife says something like "Wait, no, they're not in the cat family, they're in the dog family"

I return to reality and look at her and say "The fox?? You thought that was a cat?!"

Her "Well it seemed like a cat, it was stalking and jumping"

Me "Look at the snout, ears and body, it looked nothing like a cat!"

Her "Well I was trying to have a conversation about it but you just kept nodding your head"

Me "I was watching the show, I thought you just meant it seemed cat-like while it was hunting. I didn't realize a conversation was required to ascertain that a fox is not a cat."

I love her to death, she's an executive at her company and one of the smartest humans I know but good god I was at a loss for words tonight.

[TexasEd 8,077]

6 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

Years ago, my wife was wasted and we got into a fight. She was sitting on the bed and next to it was an end table where the tabletop is essentially a large round tray that sits on a tripod-like stand. The top isn't affixed to the stand, so you can lift it straight off. I can't remember what I said to her but I pissed her off enough that she tried to throw it at me. I was standing about 15 feet away in the doorway. She reached over, grabbed the tray off the stand, and threw it... it maybe traveled three feet not anywhere toward me and then she fell off the bed. The whole thing happened in what seemed like slow motion. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at anything in my life. So, on one hand, attempted assault. On the other, classic slapstick. 

Were you teasing her about the big crab?

[AUS-97HORN 11,823]

9 hours ago, NateHitch said:

I return to reality and look at her and say "The fox?? You thought that was a cat?!"

Her "Well it seemed like a cat, it was stalking and jumping"

Me "Look at the snout, ears and body, it looked nothing like a cat!"

 

I have seen foxes described as Cat Software running on Dog Hardware.... and honestly that seems pretty accurate.

Edited July 14, 2020 by AUS-97HORN

[Kennythetiger 9,460]

Nate, you insensitive prick, she was [almost] right and you surely owe her an apology.

[DDD Dad 14,351]

so it's warm, greasy, meat-flavored Gogurt?
pass.
 

[thunderlounge 7,935]

2 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

 

I have seen foxes described as Cat Software running on Dog Hardware.... and honestly that seems pretty accurate.

 

Fox are crazy creatures. Had a fox den back in the woods at my old place. Was fun to watch from the deck. 

[nnm 36,635]

In my old job I’d travel to London regularly. I would stay in a hotel near my office by Paddington, and take my early morning runs around Hyde Park. Almost every time, I’d see a fox or two in the neighborhoods between Paddington and the park. Urban foxes. Pretty remarkable creatures. 
We need some of those here in my suburban neighborhood to keep the critters down. I can’t keep up with the rabbits with my pellet gun. They breed like rabbits. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

21 minutes ago, nnm said:

Urban foxes. Pretty remarkable creatures. 

[mulletpelini 5,216]

BWAHAHAHA

On 7/10/2020 at 2:57 PM, nnm said:

No, you visually “clear” the area you’re about to back into as you drive up, and then you use your mirrors and backup camera to safely put yourself where you’re supposed to be.  Even Mrs. NNM can do this.  Then as she drives forward out of the garage, onto the street, we’re virtually guaranteed she doesn’t hit anything on her way out.  Especially the unexpected dog, or jogger, or postman, or car parked on our cul-de-sac curve.  

You expect a wom........a wife to be able to do ^^^^ when I can't even get her to understand that if she pulled into the garage all she has to do is pull out in reverse and AS LONG AS SHE DOESN'T TOUCH THE GOTDAMN STEERING WHEEL, she'll end up safely in the driveway just the same as when she pulled in?!?!?!?!

Unless you're wife is a dude.......

Edited July 15, 2020 by mulletpelini
nttawwt