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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Walden Ponderer

Walden Ponderer 12639

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Mrs. Ponderer sings ridiculous songs 24/7/365. She makes up voices for the animals, and does stand-up routines that just leave me in stitches.

But this morning, she put an ear-worm in my head that won't fucking go away.

Quote

Honey! New business idea! 80s hair band inspired perfume!

"He's the one they call Dr. Smells Good, he's the one that makes you smell all right!"

Goddammit.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15380

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25 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Mrs. Ponderer sings ridiculous songs 24/7/365. She makes up voices for the animals, and does stand-up routines that just leave me in stitches.

But this morning, she put an ear-worm in my head that won't fucking go away.

Goddammit.

Damn.  Screw Mrs Ponderer and my brain for the rest of the day.  What has been heard cannot be unheard.  

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8419

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43 minutes ago, Walden Ponderer said:

Mrs. Ponderer sings ridiculous songs 24/7/365. She makes up voices for the animals, and does stand-up routines that just leave me in stitches.

But this morning, she put an ear-worm in my head that won't fucking go away.

Goddammit.

Thanks for sharing that, asshole.  Earworm indeed.

 

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Jhawkmvp

Jhawkmvp 1506

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Some stupid shit my wife said a couple years ago...

Jhawkmvp wife: Hon, what would you do if I gave away the dogs without telling you?

Jayhawkmvp: I'd be getting a new bitch the next day.

Jhawkmp wife: You'd get a new dog?

Jhawkmvp: No, first I would try to get the dogs back and then I'd be getting a new girlfriend because our asses would be getting a divorce.

Jayhawkmvp wife: The dogs are more important than me?

Jayhawkmvp: No, but if you gave away my dogs without talking to me first it would show you don't give two shits for my feelings. So why stay married to someone who would do that to someone they supposedly love?  If I had to get rid of them for some reason, I won't do it until I know they would have a good home. You have a responsibility to pets like you do to children. You don't abandon them.

My wife is usually great and was probably just asking a stupid what if; however, I needed to let her know there are some lines you just don't cross if you want to keep your marriage.You never mess with a man's dogs.

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Party_Taco

Party_Taco 3818

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Man's been married to a drunk for a long time.  He'll laugh at this in hindsight, once he's free.

Never married her, thank God, but had a long term GF who was a fall down drunk. Just embarrassing on the reg... had zero control of her emotions and would hit the bottle at the slightest hint of trouble/ challenge.

If it wasn’t for the endless perks it would have been an easy decision, but damn I do love courtside seats...
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Trey3216

Trey3216 15380

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11 hours ago, Party_Taco said:


Never married her, thank God, but had a long term GF who was a fall down drunk. Just embarrassing on the reg... had zero control of her emotions and would hit the bottle at the slightest hint of trouble/ challenge.

If it wasn’t for the endless perks it would have been an easy decision, but damn I do love courtside seats...

...and back door entrances... 

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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5824

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She is not burdened by logic . . . 

Her (furiously texting/loud sigh/endless exasperation):  Forget it.  It's easier just to call her.

Me:  Who?

Her:  [Some friend].  I don't know why I'm telling you.  You never tell me who you are texting.

Me:  You just asked me when we were out on the patio 20 minutes ago who I was texting.  I told you it was the boys and we were coordinating the fantasy draft.

Her:  But I had to ask you.

Me:  ?????

Edited by Upgrayedd
Before you assholes notice
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deadshank

deadshank 24653

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On 8/31/2020 at 8:18 PM, Jhawkmvp said:

Some stupid shit my wife said a couple years ago...

Jhawkmvp wife: Hon, what would you do if I gave away the dogs without telling you?

Jayhawkmvp: I'd be getting a new bitch the next day.

Jhawkmp wife: You'd get a new dog?

Jhawkmvp: No, first I would try to get the dogs back and then I'd be getting a new girlfriend because our asses would be getting a divorce.

Jayhawkmvp wife: The dogs are more important than me?

Jayhawkmvp: No, but if you gave away my dogs without talking to me first it would show you don't give two shits for my feelings. So why stay married to someone who would do that to someone they supposedly love?  If I had to get rid of them for some reason, I won't do it until I know they would have a good home. You have a responsibility to pets like you do to children. You don't abandon them.

My wife is usually great and was probably just asking a stupid what if; however, I needed to let her know there are some lines you just don't cross if you want to keep your marriage.You never mess with a man's dogs.

I got news for you.  Her boyfriend is a cat person. 

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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5824

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Another good one from last night.  

Taco truck night at the temporary SD abode.  We are walking out the door to walk up to the location.

Me:  Let's take the dogs.

Her:  [Referring to her shit-assed-bark-machine] Let's not.  He's an asshole around people (he's not).

Me: It'll be fine.  If he starts acting up, we'll just move.

Her: You always disagree with everything I say.

Me:  Always?  I disagree sometimes, but not all the time.  I'm not allowed to have a different opinion?

Her:  It's everything.  Everything I say.

Me:  I think you are exaggerating.

Her:  Oh ya?  You should keep track then.

Me:  Ok, I will.

Me:  That's one for one.

Her:  ???????

Me:  One for one.  You suggested I keep track and I agreed.  One for one.  Batting 1,000.

Her:  Asshole.

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

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26 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

Another good one from last night.  

Taco truck night at the temporary SD abode.  We are walking out the door to walk up to the location.

Me:  Let's take the dogs.

Her:  [Referring to her shit-assed-bark-machine] Let's not.  He's an asshole around people (he's not).

Me: It'll be fine.  If he starts acting up, we'll just move.

Her: You always disagree with everything I say.

Me:  Always?  I disagree sometimes, but not all the time.  I'm not allowed to have a different opinion?

Her:  It's everything.  Everything I say.

Me:  I think you are exaggerating.

Her:  Oh ya?  You should keep track then.

Me:  Ok, I will.

Me:  That's one for one.

Her:  ???????

Me:  One for one.  You suggested I keep track and I agreed.  One for one.  Batting 1,000.

Her:  Asshole.

You:  Yes I am.  2 for 2.

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18621

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I don't know if this goes in the wives thread or the dogs thread, but my wife thought it would be cool to teach our dog how to close the door. She (the dog, not the wife) loves to play tug of war. So my wife ties a tug of war rope to the door to the backyard and gives the dog a treat when she pulls the door closed. It's a cute trick but this is the same door that the dog barks at when she wants to go outside to take a shit/piss.

You can guess what happens next... the dog now barks at the door for you to open it, takes one step outside and immediately pulls the door shut and then looks at you like, "Where's my treat motherfucker?" In the work from home environment, my makeshift office is next to said door. So the dog is now constantly barking at me to open the door for her. Clearly, I'm not going to put up with that shit for long, but now every time the dog barks my wife yells at me from her office (aka the dining room), "Let the dog out. She's going to piss on the floor." 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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11 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I don't know if this goes in the wives thread or the dogs thread, but my wife thought it would be cool to teach our dog how to close the door. She (the dog, not the wife) loves to play tug of war. So my wife ties a tug of war rope to the door to the backyard and gives the dog a treat when she pulls the door closed. It's a cute trick but this is the same door that the dog barks at when she wants to go outside to take a shit/piss.

You can guess what happens next... the dog now barks at the door for you to open it, takes one step outside and immediately pulls the door shut and then looks at you like, "Where's my treat motherfucker?" In the work from home environment, my makeshift office is next to said door. So the dog is now constantly barking at me to open the door for her. Clearly, I'm not going to put up with that shit for long, but now every time the dog barks my wife yells at me from her office (aka the dining room), "Let the dog out. She's going to piss on the floor." 

Sounds like she trained you to let the dog out.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6649

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Damn.  Screw Mrs Ponderer and my brain for the rest of the day.  What has been heard cannot be unheard.    

 

"He's the one they call Dr. Smells Good, he's the one that makes you smell all right!" [/Quote]

 

In case you forgot about it. Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2310

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Not really a "funny" thing, but Mrs CL and I had a disagreement last night about something benign - I think our 6th grader's bedtime was part of it. She came into my study looking for a fight, right in the middle of me and my college buddies' annual fantasy football auction draft.

I literally told her, "I don't have time to indulge you with a dumb fight right now. This can't be paused and I'm not going to get up from it. You're just going to have to be mad on your own."

She stood in the doorway for about 2-3 minutes just grimacing and glaring at me, then stomped off and apparently spent the night in the guest bedroom. 

I got up this morning and she was fine. She made coffee and was doing the breakfast dishes. I didn't bring it up and she didn't appear to hold a grudge. 

Just an example of one of the hardest things for most young guys to learn (at least it was hard for me to learn), that women don't need to be coddled and have their ass kissed every single time she's mad. Sometimes acting like you just don't care that she's mad works just fine. 

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