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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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TKthunder2

TKthunder2 5005

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Posted
9 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

We have an hallway closet my wife calls "the gift closet".  When we had our first child 9 years ago, she decided it would be a good idea to buy about 20 presents for various ages and both genders because of all of the birthday parties we were going to be invited to, and "this will just be easier than having to worry about buying a present each time."  We have 3 boys now, have been to countless birthday parties, and I can think of exactly one present that has been used.  Every time I suggest using a gift from the closet, there some reason why it won't work.  It's been 9 years, and we literally still have those same presents she bought all those years ago.

We must be in some sort of time distortion where we’re married to the same woman, but I’m like six years in the past.  Can you get me some lottery numbers?

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Wiler77

Wiler77 1579

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Posted
11 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said:

We must be in some sort of time distortion where we’re married to the same woman, but I’m like six years in the past.  Can you get me some lottery numbers?

I don't play the lottery, but I will let you in on your future...You win the debate about not having a 4th kid and she gets new tits when she finally concedes.  So in a way, you do win the lottery.

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Wiler77

Wiler77 1579

Posted
Posted
32 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

Yeah her getting new tits after you win the no more kids debate never portends to bad things. 

I detect some sarcasm.

If you're implying that she's going to cheat on me in order to get another kid, yea...no.  She's accepted it and is very happy in hindsight.  Agrees it was the right decision.

If you're saying I'm going to slip one past the goalie do to increase sexual activity, I took care of that. See vasectomy thread.

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52-80

52-80 19271

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Posted (edited)

wife wanted some pumpkins to decorate. 

 

i asked in a group chat "anyone know where we can buy some Big Ass pumpkins?"

someone replied "outside the city at [xxx] theres a Big Ass farmers market, they might have some"

 

wife pointed at her phone and asked WTF?  i said "its a joke.  because i asked for a big ass pumpkin.  but we can try that farmers market"

so she clacks some shit into her phone, and looked really confused.  she said "i cant find such a thing".  she showed me the phone

 

 

she literally googled "big ass farmers market".

 

 

and now im the asshole for laughing.

 

Edited by 52-80
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Modessit

Modessit 5607

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Posted
We have an hallway closet my wife calls "the gift closet".  When we had our first child 9 years ago, she decided it would be a good idea to buy about 20 presents for various ages and both genders because of all of the birthday parties we were going to be invited to, and "this will just be easier than having to worry about buying a present each time."  We have 3 boys now, have been to countless birthday parties, and I can think of exactly one present that has been used.  Every time I suggest using a gift from the closet, there some reason why it won't work.  It's been 9 years, and we literally still have those same presents she bought all those years ago.
In 20 years you'll make a fortune selling unboxed Cowboys vs Aliens toys on EBay.
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HornOnTheBayou

HornOnTheBayou 8954

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Posted
18 hours ago, 52-80 said:

wife wanted some pumpkins to decorate. 

 

i asked in a group chat "anyone know where we can buy some Big Ass pumpkins?"

someone replied "outside the city at [xxx] theres a Big Ass farmers market, they might have some"

 

wife pointed at her phone and asked WTF?  i said "its a joke.  because i asked for a big ass pumpkin.  but we can try that farmers market"

so she clacks some shit into her phone, and looked really confused.  she said "i cant find such a thing".  she showed me the phone

 

 

she literally googled "big ass farmers market".

 

 

and now im the asshole for laughing.

 

Tell her to check out farmersonly.com. That's where real farmers look for big asses.

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markstanco

markstanco 12636

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Posted

On the wake boat today with a truckload of 12 pyear old kids for my oldest's birthday. Wife and I have a setup when swapping kids on and off the tube. She has the rope and i drive.

Swapped kids and I say outloud "clear rope" she says yes. I start the motor, engage, and the motor dies.

Nothing like swimming under a boat with an inboard engine. A Bravo or Penta is easy. 30 minutes later with a knife motor is cleared.

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ztejas

ztejas 43556

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, markstanco said:

On the wake boat today with a truckload of 12 pyear old kids for my oldest's birthday. Wife and I have a setup when swapping kids on and off the tube. She has the rope and i drive.

Swapped kids and I say outloud "clear rope" she says yes. I start the motor, engage, and the motor dies.

Nothing like swimming under a boat with an inboard engine. A Bravo or Penta is easy. 30 minutes later with a knife motor is cleared.

That's on you for buying a boat, having your wife on the boat, and trusting said wife with boat nomenclature.

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52-80

52-80 19271

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Posted

We ordered delivery for lunch

Food doesnt seem to arrive

Website says "delivery completed" and shes angry... we know theres some construction and road blockage on our street...

She asks me to check the site and resolve the issue...turns out she put the wrong phone number in the order.  No wonder the delivery person couldnt call... now shes angry why they didnt tried emailing her instead 🤨

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Modessit

Modessit 5607

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We ordered delivery for lunch
Food doesnt seem to arrive
Website says "delivery completed" and shes angry... we know theres some construction and road blockage on our street...
She asks me to check the site and resolve the issue...turns out she put the wrong phone number in the order.  No wonder the delivery person couldnt call... now shes angry why they didnt tried emailing her instead 🤨
I do gig delivery. This happens all the time, and the "wrong phone number" is also usually combined with "oops, I forgot to change it from my work/mom's/friend's address" so not only can we not call you but we are also at the wrong place. And with instructions to just "leave at door" now we don't even know we're not at the right place. Then we get in trouble or get a bad rating because y'all fucked up.

If you're ordering from one of the delivery apps like UberEats, DoorDash, etc, then pay attention to your alerts about when food was picked up and track the driver to make sure they're going to the right place. Or send a text to relay something like "house with black truck in driveway" or something. Helps the driver know we're at the right place, especially when y'all don't turn the outside light on and can't bother to trim the bush blocking your house number.
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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45751

Posted
Posted
On 9/16/2020 at 9:38 PM, mulletpelini said:

Hey lets stick with this tangent

Her

7:20 PM I'm home, look at the moon it looks huge

Me

7:51 PM (I look 360*) Where is it I don't see it?

Her

7:54 PM I guess you can't see it from where you are.

7:55 PM I mean the Sun

Me

7:56 PM Sun, moon what's the difference

We were at the river a couple of years back and her and her friend were looking up at the sky.  The sun was behind the clouds to where you could see the sphere, but the clouds were blocking it enough so you could stare right at it without blinding yourself.  They both looked at me and asked what that thing in the sky was.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4979

Posted
Posted (edited)
21 hours ago, nnm said:

 

Wife (first trimester) asked me to pick up some McDonald's sausage biscuits on the way home last night. Sure, no problem, except the drive through lady informs me that they don't serve them all day anymore because king flu. I call wife. Say there is dairy queen and sonic on the way home. She yells at me that she wanted sausage biscuits and not those. So I drive home. More yelling and crying because I didn't get her sonic or dairy queen, and she really really wanted a sausage biscuit. She leaves and drives to sonic to get a burger...

Edited by NotActuallyALonghorn
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nnm

nnm 36700

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Wife (first trimester) asked me to pick up some McDonald's sausage biscuits on the way home last night. Sure, no problem, except the drive through lady informs me that they don't serve them all day anymore because king flu. I call wife. Say there is dairy queen and sonic on the way home. She yells at me that she wanted sausage biscuits and not those. So I drive home. More yelling and crying because I didn't get her sonic or dairy queen, and she really really wanted a sausage biscuit. She leaves and drives to sonic to get a burger...

Ouch.  You have a long way to go.  And it's all your fault for causing her condition, you insensitive bastard.  T&P.

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Js1

Js1 85636

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Posted
15 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

We were at the river a couple of years back and her and her friend were looking up at the sky.  The sun was behind the clouds to where you could see the sphere, but the clouds were blocking it enough so you could stare right at it without blinding yourself.  They both looked at me and asked what that thing in the sky was.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15379

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16 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

We were at the river a couple of years back and her and her friend were looking up at the sky.  The sun was behind the clouds to where you could see the sphere, but the clouds were blocking it enough so you could stare right at it without blinding yourself.  They both looked at me and asked what that thing in the sky was.

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bobcat1995

bobcat1995 71

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Posted

We were driving from Illinois to Iowa and had just crossed over the Mississippi River into Iowa.  We are driving through the town and pass a bait store.  

Wife:  "I wonder why there is a bait store in this town?"

Me:  "Maybe because of the big river we just crossed!"

Wife:  "Please don’t make fun of me for this."

Me: "Oh, I will share this story."

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8836

Posted
Posted
On 9/27/2020 at 2:10 AM, Modessit said:
On 9/25/2020 at 8:12 AM, Wiler77 said:
We have an hallway closet my wife calls "the gift closet".  When we had our first child 9 years ago, she decided it would be a good idea to buy about 20 presents for various ages and both genders because of all of the birthday parties we were going to be invited to, and "this will just be easier than having to worry about buying a present each time."  We have 3 boys now, have been to countless birthday parties, and I can think of exactly one present that has been used.  Every time I suggest using a gift from the closet, there some reason why it won't work.  It's been 9 years, and we literally still have those same presents she bought all those years ago.

Read more  

In 20 years you'll make a fortune selling unboxed Cowboys vs Aliens toys on EBay.

This...

Anyone interested in a 1961 Tonka Army bulldozer?

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17652

Posted
Posted
On 9/30/2020 at 6:29 AM, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Wife (first trimester) asked me to pick up some McDonald's sausage biscuits on the way home last night. Sure, no problem, except the drive through lady informs me that they don't serve them all day anymore because king flu. I call wife. Say there is dairy queen and sonic on the way home. She yells at me that she wanted sausage biscuits and not those. So I drive home. More yelling and crying because I didn't get her sonic or dairy queen, and she really really wanted a sausage biscuit. She leaves and drives to sonic to get a burger...

Pregnant wives are a whole different level of crazy.

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HenryJames

HenryJames 66193

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Posted
15 hours ago, bobcat1995 said:

We were driving from Illinois to Iowa and had just crossed over the Mississippi River into Iowa.  We are driving through the town and pass a bait store.  

Wife:  "I wonder why there is a bait store in this town?"

Me:  "Maybe because of the big river we just crossed!"

Wife:  "Please don’t make fun of me for this."

Me: "Oh, I will share this story."

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8836

Posted
Posted (edited)
2 hours ago, ztejas said:

You know, I've got a buddy that knows a lot about this type of stuff. Why don't I see if he can come down here to give me a better idea what it's worth. 

Cool,

I checked it years ago but do not remember what the value was then and of course have no idea what it would be now. But the paint is nearly 100%, even on the blade still has the original rubber tracks on it which are in like new condition.

Edited by SHOOTER12
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