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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Chad Fuck

Chad Fuck 17569

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Posted

I usually wake up early and take the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood.  This often gives me occasion to see wildlife one doesn't see during working hours.  A baby woodpecker jumping out of the nest, the occasional coyote, etc.  This weekend, the wife, Chad Jr. and I, were walking down to the local swimming hole (YMCA) and I was marveling that just that morning, I'd seen a female mallard sitting in the grass between the street and the sidewalk.  We walked less than a foot away from it and the dogs hadn't even noticed.  

At this point, it got weird.  The wife says, "But we aren't really close to the water,  how did it get there?"  I responded with a quizzical look, and said, "Run that by me again, I'm not sure I understood.  We live within spitting distance of the lake?"  She responds, "But still, how did it get all the way over here (not far at all} on its' tiny little legs?"  

I began to chuckle, and said, "You just made the thread."  - "What thread?"

Chad Jr. started laughing, "She thinks ducks can't fly!"

 

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52-80

52-80 19098

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Posted

We're in our last few days in Africa.  She came down with the mud-butt.  Butt she's breaking down crying in hysteria like she's caught the smallpox. 

 

I told it's common, typical - hotel told her the same - and that I've had it much worse before.  Honestly I've probably wiped my butthole raw in Bolivia.  Told her to just drink lots of fluids, and just let the body shit itself out.

 

Anyway, now we're at the local hospital and what does the doc say?  Oh yeah, you got the common diarrhea but there's nothing else (amoebas, fever, etc). We'll just give you an IV to rehydrate and you're on your way.

 

Can we stop it with the psychosomatic paranoia now?

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Fudge Nuggets

Fudge Nuggets 19151

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Posted
4 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

We're in our last few days in Africa.  She came down with the mud-butt.  Butt she's breaking down crying in hysteria like she's caught the smallpox. 

 

I told it's common, typical - hotel told her the same - and that I've had it much worse before.  Honestly I've probably wiped my butthole raw in Bolivia.  Told her to just drink lots of fluids, and just let the body shit itself out.

 

Anyway, now we're at the local hospital and what does the doc say?  Oh yeah, you got the common diarrhea but there's nothing else (amoebas, fever, etc). We'll just give you an IV to rehydrate and you're on your way.

 

Can we stop it with the psychosomatic paranoia now?

She got the EbolaAIDS, time to start looking for a replacement.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

Posted
Posted
25 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

We're in our last few days in Africa.  She came down with the mud-butt.  Butt she's breaking down crying in hysteria like she's caught the smallpox. 

 

I told it's common, typical - hotel told her the same - and that I've had it much worse before.  Honestly I've probably wiped my butthole raw in Bolivia.  Told her to just drink lots of fluids, and just let the body shit itself out.

 

Anyway, now we're at the local hospital and what does the doc say?  Oh yeah, you got the common diarrhea but there's nothing else (amoebas, fever, etc). We'll just give you an IV to rehydrate and you're on your way.

 

Can we stop it with the psychosomatic paranoia now?

Tell her it's winter. Malaria is mostly a summer disease. 

Your flight home is going to be SO MUCH FUN!

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deadshank

deadshank 24651

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, Chad Fuck said:

I usually wake up early and take the dogs for a walk around the neighborhood.  This often gives me occasion to see wildlife one doesn't see during working hours.  A baby woodpecker jumping out of the nest, the occasional coyote, etc.  This weekend, the wife, Chad Jr. and I, were walking down to the local swimming hole (YMCA) and I was marveling that just that morning, I'd seen a female mallard sitting in the grass between the street and the sidewalk.  We walked less than a foot away from it and the dogs hadn't even noticed.  

At this point, it got weird.  The wife says, "But we aren't really close to the water,  how did it get there?"  I responded with a quizzical look, and said, "Run that by me again, I'm not sure I understood.  We live within spitting distance of the lake?"  She responds, "But still, how did it get all the way over here (not far at all} on its' tiny little legs?"  

I began to chuckle, and said, "You just made the thread."  - "What thread?"

Chad Jr. started laughing, "She thinks ducks can't fly!"

 

First time I took my old lady out to the deer blind it was for varmints and pigs. I had a varmint call, set it out and turned it on.  I told her the birds of prey will be the first to show up and we will see some bobcats and dogs soon after.  

She rolled her eyes the way wives that have never gone to sit in a deer blind but know everything seem to always do. 

I asked her "why the eye roll?"

She replied "the varmint call won't work on birds."

I says, "why?"

She comes back with "birds can't hear because they don't have ears."

I asked her "why do people use duck calls?"

Tone.....

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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Posted

I found out for fathers day that my son (4 yo) inherited my sarcasm. 

 

He brings me a nickle and shows it to me.

Me : "How many pennies are in a nickle?"

Him "5"

Wife " How many would you have if you had 2 nickels?

Him looking back and for between me and wife like this:

 

giphy.gif

Looks at wife "ummmmm 2????"

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Reagan1k

Reagan1k 3016

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, deadshank said:

First time I took my old lady out to the deer blind it was for varmints and pigs. I had a varmint call, set it out and turned it on.  I told her the birds of prey will be the first to show up and we will see some bobcats and dogs soon after.  

She rolled her eyes the way wives that have never gone to sit in a deer blind but know everything seem to always do. 

I asked her "why the eye roll?"

She replied "the varmint call won't work on birds."

I says, "why?"

She comes back with "birds can't hear because they don't have ears."

I asked her "why do people use duck calls?"

Tone.....

I posted this before....my wife told me not to tell the kids I'd seen roadrunners at the lease because it wouldn't be fair to them when they got old enough to go hunting with me and never saw one....I asked her what the hell she was taking about and she replied that they'd be looking forward to it and would get disappointed to eventually find out they weren't real.....

 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28716

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Posted
1 hour ago, Reagan1k said:

I posted this before....my wife told me not to tell the kids I'd seen roadrunners at the lease because it wouldn't be fair to them when they got old enough to go hunting with me and never saw one....I asked her what the hell she was taking about and she replied that they'd be looking forward to it and would get disappointed to eventually find out they weren't real.....

 

You should take her Snipe hunting. 

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HouTex

HouTex 1851

Posted
Posted
I posted this before....my wife told me not to tell the kids I'd seen roadrunners at the lease because it wouldn't be fair to them when they got old enough to go hunting with me and never saw one....I asked her what the hell she was taking about and she replied that they'd be looking forward to it and would get disappointed to eventually find out they weren't real.....
 

When I was a summer clerk at a law firm one of the female summer clerks who was not from Texas was certain that armadillos did not exist. She wasn’t joking.
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52-80

52-80 19098

Posted
Posted (edited)

Pet peeve....when she's writing a correspondence in english, filling a survey, whatever, she'll pester me endlessly to essentially dictate the whole thing.

She's not a native speaker, and not yet completely fluent.  But she is unquestionably and unhesitatingly conversant.

I don't mind an occasional question on spelling, or grammar, but the whole point is, if you want to express something....write it exactly as you would say it in person (and you know exactly how to say it).  It's your opinion and your voice in your email...dont turn it into mine.

 

And of course when I tell her how I would write it, she completely shuts it down.

Edited by 52-80
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G650

G650 14112

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

Pet peeve....when she's writing a correspondence in english, filling a survey, whatever, she'll pester me endlessly to essentially dictate the whole thing.

She's not a native speaker, and not yet completely fluent.  But she is unquestionably and unhesitatingly conversant.

I don't mind an occasional question on spelling, or grammar, but the whole point is, if you want to express something....write it exactly as you would say it in person (and you know exactly how to say it).  It's your opinion and your voice in your email...dont turn it into mine.

 

And of course when I tell her how I would write it, she completely shuts it down.

Jawohl!

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JimmyHoffa

JimmyHoffa 1188

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Posted

Any fucking TV show/documentary that isn't a reality show or 30 minute comedy

Her: Wait, I missed that what just happened?

Me: hit pause spend 5 minutes explaining what just happened in the last 20 minutes of the show

Her: Got it, thanks.

Me: Maybe watch the show instead of your phone

Her: Tone 

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18524

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My wife gets a call from a colleague who tells her that another person in the same field heard something negative about her from a client. My wife doesn't know this other person. The colleague tells my wife the client's name and it's Leigh Johnston (not real name). So one of my friend's wife's name is Leigh Johnston and she is as batshit crazy as my wife but throw in that they are having serious marital problems and she's been going scorched earth on all of our mutual friends, and she's been drinking a lot and doing all sorts of erratic shit.. So my wife immediately goes into freak out mode. "Your friend's crazy ass wife is ruining my reputation and making up shit about me! I'm new in the field. I'm so pissed. That bitch! You don't understand what a small community this is and how important my reputation is!" On and on and on. Of course, my response is that she 1) doesn't go by her married name and 2) why the fuck would she do that? and 3) you don't even have the facts, etc.

Convinced that my friend's wife is single handedly destroying her career, my wife is hearing none of this. She insists on calling my friend up and trying to figure out if it is his wife that is causing all of this with the subtext that she's going to tell him the horrible shit his wife is doing. After about an hour of her bitching about this, I reluctantly agree out of self preservation, to let her talk to him but ONLY to find out if it is the same person. I call my friend, it goes to vm, and my wife leaves a "call me back this is really important" vague message. Then I go out to take the trash. In the meantime he calls back and she talks to him but he can't talk at the moment. She tells him is has to do with his wife. He asks her to text him her number so she can call him in the morning. 

Fifteen minutes later she gets a call back from her colleague. Oh, it's not Leigh Johnston (a woman), it's Lee Johnson (a man).

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

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Posted
My wife gets a call from a colleague who tells her that another person in the same field heard something negative about her from a client. My wife doesn't know this other person. The colleague tells my wife the client's name and it's Leigh Johnston (not real name). So one of my friend's wife's name is Leigh Johnston and she is as batshit crazy as my wife but throw in that they are having serious marital problems and she's been going scorched earth on all of our mutual friends, and she's been drinking a lot and doing all sorts of erratic shit.. So my wife immediately goes into freak out mode. "Your friend's crazy ass wife is ruining my reputation and making up shit about me! I'm new in the field. I'm so pissed. That bitch! You don't understand what a small community this is and how important my reputation is!" On and on and on. Of course, my response is that she 1) doesn't go by her married name and 2) why the fuck would she do that? and 3) you don't even have the facts, etc.
Convinced that my friend's wife is single handedly destroying her career, my wife is hearing none of this. She insists on calling my friend up and trying to figure out if it is his wife that is causing all of this with the subtext that she's going to tell him the horrible shit his wife is doing. After about an hour of her bitching about this, I reluctantly agree out of self preservation, to let her talk to him but ONLY to find out if it is the same person. I call my friend, it goes to vm, and my wife leaves a "call me back this is really important" vague message. Then I go out to take the trash. In the meantime he calls back and she talks to him but he can't talk at the moment. She tells him is has to do with his wife. He asks her to text him her number so she can call him in the morning. 
Fifteen minutes later she gets a call back from her colleague. Oh, it's not Leigh Johnston (a woman), it's Lee Johnson (a man).
Cant leave us hanging...did Lee walk by her office and see her decorations?
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Modessit

Modessit 5597

Posted
Posted

Yesterday:

 

Wife: Can you go in late tomorrow? My boss wants me to sit in on an interview for a new special ed teacher at 11.

 

Me: Ok, but that means I'll have to work late. I'll bring the kids to you at noon then go to work.

 

Wife: That's fine.

 

Today:

 

I set my alarm for 10am so I can sleep in a bit since I'm going to be working late. I get up at 10 and see the wife isn't getting dressed. I ask her why she wasn't getting ready.

 

Wife: I decided not to go.

 

Me: Why not?

 

Wife: It's raining.

 

Me: You didn't think to tell me so I could go into work earlier?

 

So I had to work late for no reason.

 

 

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deadshank

deadshank 24651

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Posted
4 hours ago, Modessit said:

Yesterday:

 

Wife: Can you go in late tomorrow? My boss wants me to sit in on an interview for a new special ed teacher at 11.

 

Me: Ok, but that means I'll have to work late. I'll bring the kids to you at noon then go to work.

 

Wife: That's fine.

 

Today:

 

I set my alarm for 10am so I can sleep in a bit since I'm going to be working late. I get up at 10 and see the wife isn't getting dressed. I ask her why she wasn't getting ready.

 

Wife: I decided not to go.

 

Me: Why not?

 

Wife: It's raining.

 

Me: You didn't think to tell me so I could go into work earlier?

 

So I had to work late for no reason.

 

 

I'm surprised you paid enough attention to your wife's schedule to notice she wasn't getting ready for her appointment. 

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

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Posted

Since the kids have been on summer break, the oldest 2 have had either strength and conditioning or football 'camp' Monday - Thursday.  I get them there before 5:45 AM and then the wife picks them up at 8:00 AM.  Every single morning I get the same question as I am walking out the door for work.  "What time are they getting done today?"

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Cody2422

Cody2422 264

Posted
Posted

Wife last night on seeing the commercial regarding the Louisiana purchase. "Napoleon Dynamite had $15mm?" I think she put dynamite in for comedy relief. I just looked at her and said I think you're mistaken on how that went down.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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deadshank

deadshank 24651

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Posted
22 minutes ago, You don't know me said:

Since the kids have been on summer break, the oldest 2 have had either strength and conditioning or football 'camp' Monday - Thursday.  I get them there before 5:45 AM and then the wife picks them up at 8:00 AM.  Every single morning I get the same question as I am walking out the door for work.  "What time are they getting done today?"

She's wants to stop at her boyfriend's apartment if she has time.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

Posted
Posted
12 minutes ago, Cody2422 said:

Wife last night on seeing the commercial regarding the Louisiana purchase. "Napoleon Dynamite had $15mm?" I think she put dynamite in for comedy relief. I just looked at her and said I think you're mistaken on how that went down.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

She must be hot.

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G650

G650 14112

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, Modessit said:

Yesterday:

 

Wife: Can you go in late tomorrow? My boss wants me to sit in on an interview for a new special ed teacher at 11.

 

Me: Ok, but that means I'll have to work late. I'll bring the kids to you at noon then go to work.

 

Wife: That's fine.

 

Today:

 

I set my alarm for 10am so I can sleep in a bit since I'm going to be working late. I get up at 10 and see the wife isn't getting dressed. I ask her why she wasn't getting ready.

 

Wife: I decided not to go.

 

Me: Why not?

 

Wife: It's raining.

 

Me: You didn't think to tell me so I could go into work earlier?

 

So I had to work late for no reason.

 

 

You had to set an alarm for 10am?

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Eugene11

Eugene11 375

Posted
Posted

Last night I was reading some stupid post about car mechanics and they debunk some common car myths or something. I’m an ex mechanic so I like to read and laugh at dumb Facebook stuff. Anyway.

She was looking over my shoulder and saw something that says “the E on the fuel gauge doesn’t mean what you think it means. “

Her- what does E mean then?

me - I don’t know what they are saying I didn’t read it. What do you think it stands for?

her - “E”nough fuel to go 30 miles?

she started laughing when I looked at her with a wtf look and knew how dumb she sounded but still. She was dead seious for a few seconds. 

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