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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4448

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

And for God's sake, NEVER tell her about a random dream you had just because you find it amusing. I had a dream once that I was in JUNIOR HIGH and had a Asian girlfriend. I thought it was funny because it was so random. She took it as proof that I was planning to cheat on her with the first wily Vietnamese girl I could find. 

Total rookie newlywed mistake and now for the past 16+ years as far my wife knows, I don't dream when I sleep. 

 

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ztejas

ztejas 43429

Posted
Posted
On 10/13/2020 at 11:52 AM, tbone_ said:

You aren’t truly married until you have had to apologize for something you did in her dream.

Married? I could have fucked a girl 3 times and I'd be apologizing for that shit to get #4 in.

On 10/13/2020 at 4:42 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

You're married to Michael Crabtree?

 

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Negged.

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Sbbruin

Sbbruin 21853

Posted
Posted
On 10/16/2020 at 5:08 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

And for God's sake, NEVER tell her about a random dream you had just because you find it amusing. I had a dream once that I was in JUNIOR HIGH and had a Asian girlfriend. I thought it was funny because it was so random. She took it as proof that I was planning to cheat on her with the first wily Vietnamese girl I could find. 

Total rookie newlywed mistake and now for the past 16+ years as far my wife knows, I don't dream when I sleep. 

Yeah, I learned that one a LONG time ago.  Or I'll just replace the random chick in my dream with my wife in the story I tell.

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Mole

Mole 4333

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My wife bought one of those multi station video baby monitors so she can keep tabs on our son while I’m at work and she’s working from home. There’s only a short overlap where he’d be loose in the house alone and he’s usually sleeping then, but she wants this just in case. 

She’s “trying it out” right now while she works. There are cameras and microphones throughout the house. It’s a bit intrusive. It’s also sound activated. Right before taking the kid outside, I told Alexa to play the Thong Song on repeat. 
 

The Society for Ethnomusicology has a statement against music as torture, but I think it’s warranted self defense in this case.
 

If you don’t hear from me again, this post will probably be used by my wife in court to justify the murder.

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nnm

nnm 36404

Posted
Posted
15 minutes ago, Mole said:

My wife bought one of those multi station video baby monitors so she can keep tabs on our son while I’m at work and she’s working from home. There’s only a short overlap where he’d be loose in the house alone and he’s usually sleeping then, but she wants this just in case. 

She’s “trying it out” right now while she works. There are cameras and microphones throughout the house. It’s a bit intrusive. It’s also sound activated. Right before taking the kid outside, I told Alexa to play the Thong Song on repeat. 
 

The Society for Ethnomusicology has a statement against music as torture, but I think it’s warranted self defense in this case.
 

If you don’t hear from me again, this post will probably be used by my wife in court to justify the murder.

Sounds like she’s asking you to walk around in the buff, scratching, farting, and generally being a guy. 

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

Posted
Posted
5 hours ago, Mole said:

My wife bought one of those multi station video baby monitors so she can keep tabs on our son while I’m at work and she’s working from home. There’s only a short overlap where he’d be loose in the house alone and he’s usually sleeping then, but she wants this just in case. 

She’s “trying it out” right now while she works. There are cameras and microphones throughout the house. It’s a bit intrusive. It’s also sound activated. Right before taking the kid outside, I told Alexa to play the Thong Song on repeat. 
 

The Society for Ethnomusicology has a statement against music as torture, but I think it’s warranted self defense in this case.
 

If you don’t hear from me again, this post will probably be used by my wife in court to justify the murder.

Change it to Los Umbrellos “No Tengo Dinero” and you have true torture 

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General Specific

General Specific 3261

Posted
Posted
My wife bought one of those multi station video baby monitors so she can keep tabs on our son while I’m at work and she’s working from home. There’s only a short overlap where he’d be loose in the house alone and he’s usually sleeping then, but she wants this just in case. 
She’s “trying it out” right now while she works. There are cameras and microphones throughout the house. It’s a bit intrusive. It’s also sound activated. Right before taking the kid outside, I told Alexa to play the Thong Song on repeat. 
 
The Society for Ethnomusicology has a statement against music as torture, but I think it’s warranted self defense in this case.
 
If you don’t hear from me again, this post will probably be used by my wife in court to justify the murder.

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 10/15/2020 at 8:02 AM, VolenteHawk said:

My teenager used it once. I told her to look around, reminded her that I paid for all this, and I know more than her...and that in my fucking house I’ll explain how things work without it getting a cutesy, Twitter, SJW label or you can pay rent.

It hasn’t been used again.

You need this:

ETA:  I'm taking it back.  I thought you said that to your wife.  I'm stupid.

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nnm

nnm 36404

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Yesterday my ex told me that she will be glad when the election is over because then the virus will just disappear and everything can get back to normal

This is an extremely common view. It’s the prevailing view on the one other board (for another school) I frequent. 

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Fudbelty

Fudbelty 2788

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Posted

Can anyone’s wife drive? Specifically backwards or in and around garages?

Had a vehicle with back up cam and sensors. When we moved in to the house she took the left side(as you pull in) of the garage. Boom, backing out front end to the left side of garage frame. Blamed it on the angle she had to turn due to my work truck being back there(20ft at least).

Last November get a new vehicle. This one has 360 sensors and cameras. She’s now on the right. Pulling in one day boom. Cuts it way to much and rear quarter panel on the right side frame. No clue how this happened. She has tons of room.

Sunday I’m out getting a haircut and when I walk out I see this. 4d30f89d9ebd7e83002bae187cac2eb7.jpg

For about two seconds I’m curious who hit my parked car. Then I switch to her. So I text and ask wtf happened to the car? “I backed in to your truck while you were sick. I didn’t want to stress you out more.”

I don’t get it. Why is it sooooo hard to drive backwards.

I didn’t even mention her not pulling forward enough and the garage door getting stuck on the bumper and she didn’t notice it wasn’t closing.

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Nivek

Nivek 16929

Posted
Posted

Our latest thing is that the wife doesn't like that I quietly listen, look at her, and do not interrupt her while she is speaking.   I am trying to model correct behavior to her as she often interrupts my answers to her questions with the same question.   I suppose this would be understandable is she was defusing a bomb and my lengthy answer of 2 seconds was longer than the timer on the detonator....

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Pato del Muerto

Pato del Muerto 52498

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Nivek said:

Our latest thing is that the wife doesn't like that I quietly listen, look at her, and do not interrupt her while she is speaking.   I am trying to model correct behavior to her as she often interrupts my answers to her questions with the same question.   I suppose this would be understandable is she was defusing a bomb and my lengthy answer of 2 seconds was longer than the timer on the detonator....

I want to start recording my wife’s monologues to play back for her, because she can’t possibly realize that she often talks for 10 minutes without stopping and then expects me to address everything she said with a single yes after she ends with “don’t you think?”

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tx ind

tx ind 7013

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

Can anyone’s wife drive? Specifically backwards or in and around garages?

Had a vehicle with back up cam and sensors. When we moved in to the house she took the left side(as you pull in) of the garage. Boom, backing out front end to the left side of garage frame. Blamed it on the angle she had to turn due to my work truck being back there(20ft at least).

Last November get a new vehicle. This one has 360 sensors and cameras. She’s now on the right. Pulling in one day boom. Cuts it way to much and rear quarter panel on the right side frame. No clue how this happened. She has tons of room.

Sunday I’m out getting a haircut and when I walk out I see this. 4d30f89d9ebd7e83002bae187cac2eb7.jpg

For about two seconds I’m curious who hit my parked car. Then I switch to her. So I text and ask wtf happened to the car? “I backed in to your truck while you were sick. I didn’t want to stress you out more.”

I don’t get it. Why is it sooooo hard to drive backwards.

I didn’t even mention her not pulling forward enough and the garage door getting stuck on the bumper and she didn’t notice it wasn’t closing.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

Posted
Posted
Just now, Pato del Muerto said:

I want to start recording my wife’s monologues to play back for her, because she can’t possibly realize that she often talks for 10 minutes without stopping and then expects me to address everything she said with a single yes after she gets ends with “don’t you think?”

Dude. That's every wife.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9382

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Nivek said:

Our latest thing is that the wife doesn't like that I quietly listen, look at her, and do not interrupt her while she is speaking.   I am trying to model correct behavior to her as she often interrupts my answers to her questions with the same question.   I suppose this would be understandable is she was defusing a bomb and my lengthy answer of 2 seconds was longer than the timer on the detonator....

I’ve tried this with my own. It’s a contest with myself to see how long I can keep a straight face. Usually does not end well. Sometimes it’s the little things in life. 

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Drew

Drew 2408

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

I want to start recording my wife’s monologues to play back for her, because she can’t possibly realize that she often talks for 10 minutes without stopping and then expects me to address everything she said with a single yes after she ends with “don’t you think?”

Yes. Yes she can possibly think you'd remember every minute detail she said and respond them on all with carefully constructed responses.

I mean what are you? A Monster?

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wd40

wd40 1976

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

I want to start recording my wife’s monologues to play back for her, because she can’t possibly realize that she often talks for 10 minutes without stopping and then expects me to address everything she said with a single yes after she ends with “don’t you think?”

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TexasBeta

TexasBeta 1261

Posted
Posted
Women treat cars like any other replaceable object. They just don’t care enough to pay attention. 

This is true. I don’t get it. I would say it’s bc they don’t pay for their cars .... on average... but my wife paid for a new Volvo herself before married... crashed it into stationary objects about 3 times in the span of a year or so.
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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8808

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Speaking of wives and driving. I pulled this out of my wife's tire about three weeks ago.

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The part on the left was just barely poking out. The rest was buried completely inside the tire.

 

2 hours ago, HenryJames said:

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30 minutes ago, wd40 said:

just skipped right past melding and went for full penetration.  outstanding.

What is that? She ran over an allen wrench you left laying out?  Full disclosure, I'm drunk.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

Posted
Posted
On 10/22/2020 at 1:32 PM, TexasBeta said:

This is true. I don’t get it. I would say it’s bc they don’t pay for their cars .... on average... but my wife paid for a new Volvo herself before married... crashed it into stationary objects about 3 times in the span of a year or so.

This was my theory too.  My wife is terrible and legally blind.  She writes the check every month.  3 vehicles so far, no damage.

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