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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
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Superhero

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I'm BAAAAAAAACCCCKKKK!

I took a 2 year sabbatical from Surly, and during that time, I'm 100% sure she did some stupid stuff, but that was in the past and no need to revisit it. Ever since I've been back, the she's actually been pretty good, not doing anything worthy of mentioning. Until today...

We take turns taking our daughter to school. WE LIVE 5 MINUTES WALK FROM HER SCHOOL. But because it's windy today, she DROVE my daughter to school. It takes just as much time to drive, wait at the intersection, wait behind another 50 other cars... but I digress.

So on my way to work, she texts me to say she hit the garage door while she was backing out of the garage. According to her logic, it was TOO WINDY, so she decided to open the garage door WHILE she's already started the car and backing out.

We got off relatively easy - the weather stripping tore off, but I popped it back. The garage door is dented, but you can't see it from the outside. The rear window wiper which she used to hit the garage broke, but the dealer said it's under $100. I'm still pissed, but thankful it wasn't any worse.

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11761

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I'm still trying to figure out how its your fault.... I mean, we all know its your fault, but I dont see the opening for her to claim its your fault here.....

you might be in some deep shit soon.   Shes gonna blame you for something else instead.

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ztejas

ztejas 43428

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8 minutes ago, AUS-97HORN said:

I'm still trying to figure out how its your fault.... I mean, we all know its your fault, but I dont see the opening for her to claim its your fault here.....

you might be in some deep shit soon.   Shes gonna blame you for something else instead.

It was cold and windy. Even though it wasn't his turn to take their daughter to school, he should have offered to. It's really just kind of inconsiderate and short sighted for him to go to work and make her handle it.

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45683

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Wife called me on her way to work this morning to tell me she was going to be late because there was a wreck on the train tracks and she was stuck.  She was nearly hysterical.  I asked if she wanted me to talk to god and get him to remove the wreck from the tracks.  I can't fucking stand when she does that shit.  WTF do you want me to do?  Tone.

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Superhero

Superhero 8830

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10 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

He didn’t buy her a suv with backup sensors on the roof and a backup camera that points upwards the cheap bastard. 

Haha. At least her next car will be a lot lower, so hopefully the garage door will have enough time to get out of the way of this crazy Asian driver.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

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Wife called me on her way to work this morning to tell me she was going to be late because there was a wreck on the train tracks and she was stuck.  She was nearly hysterical.  I asked if she wanted me to talk to god and get him to remove the wreck from the tracks.  I can't fucking stand when she does that shit.  WTF do you want me to do?  Tone.

If she can’t vent to her husband, then who can she vent to??!!
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9382

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11 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


If she can’t vent to her husband, then who can she vent to??!!

On road trips, it used to irritate the hell out of me when she'd call her mom and they'd ramble on and on over the telephone.  In an astounding lack of foresight, I once complained about that.  What I quickly learned is that the female brain has x amount of words that need to be vocalized every day.  If she doesn't vocalize them to her mom, guess who becomes the primary audience?  Fast forward, now when I can see the conversation is heading one of those particular directions, I very lightly interject and say, "Have you called your mom lately?"

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18549

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So my wife has been battling allergies for months now, choking down all sorts of OTC meds like claritan and benedryl. But she's been miserable. I finally convince her to go to the allergist after months of her complaining. So they give her the panel test and she's allergic to like 20 different things, but one of them that is off the chart is dust mites. The allergist hands her a pamphlet and tells her that they live in soft surfaces like bedding, pillows, carpet, etc.

Mind you, we are generally very clean people (i.e., not slobs). We have a housekeeper that comes every week and changes the sheets each time, vacuums, mops, etc. I mean, there isn't a ton of dust in our house. Of course, she ignores the other 19 things she is allergic to but guess who just got a new mattress, new pillows, new sheets, etc. -- all hypoallergenic, hermetically sealed to prevent dust mites that we probably don't have anyway?

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AUS-97HORN

AUS-97HORN 11761

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23 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So my wife has been battling allergies for months now, choking down all sorts of OTC meds like claritan and benedryl. But she's been miserable. I finally convince her to go to the allergist after months of her complaining. So they give her the panel test and she's allergic to like 20 different things, but one of them that is off the chart is dust mites. The allergist hands her a pamphlet and tells her that they live in soft surfaces like bedding, pillows, carpet, etc.

Mind you, we are generally very clean people (i.e., not slobs). We have a housekeeper that comes every week and changes the sheets each time, vacuums, mops, etc. I mean, there isn't a ton of dust in our house. Of course, she ignores the other 19 things she is allergic to but guess who just got a new mattress, new pillows, new sheets, etc. -- all hypoallergenic, hermetically sealed to prevent dust mites that we probably don't have anyway?

are they craft made?  cause.... you know its your wife and this entire thread thrives on the rando shit she buys

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26438

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25 minutes ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So my wife has been battling allergies for months now, choking down all sorts of OTC meds like claritan and benedryl. But she's been miserable. I finally convince her to go to the allergist after months of her complaining. So they give her the panel test and she's allergic to like 20 different things, but one of them that is off the chart is dust mites. The allergist hands her a pamphlet and tells her that they live in soft surfaces like bedding, pillows, carpet, etc.

Mind you, we are generally very clean people (i.e., not slobs). We have a housekeeper that comes every week and changes the sheets each time, vacuums, mops, etc. I mean, there isn't a ton of dust in our house. Of course, she ignores the other 19 things she is allergic to but guess who just got a new mattress, new pillows, new sheets, etc. -- all hypoallergenic, hermetically sealed to prevent dust mites that we probably don't have anyway?

Maybe she's allergic to 6ft tall crabs.

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strangulation!

strangulation! 1716

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1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

On road trips, it used to irritate the hell out of me when she'd call her mom and they'd ramble on and on over the telephone.  In an astounding lack of foresight, I once complained about that.  What I quickly learned is that the female brain has x amount of words that need to be vocalized every day.  If she doesn't vocalize them to her mom, guess who becomes the primary audience?  Fast forward, now when I can see the conversation is heading one of those particular directions, I very lightly interject and say, "Have you called your mom lately?"

x also equals the number of thoughts they have.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15346

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1 hour ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

So my wife has been battling allergies for months now, choking down all sorts of OTC meds like claritan and benedryl. But she's been miserable. I finally convince her to go to the allergist after months of her complaining. So they give her the panel test and she's allergic to like 20 different things, but one of them that is off the chart is dust mites. The allergist hands her a pamphlet and tells her that they live in soft surfaces like bedding, pillows, carpet, etc.

Mind you, we are generally very clean people (i.e., not slobs). We have a housekeeper that comes every week and changes the sheets each time, vacuums, mops, etc. I mean, there isn't a ton of dust in our house. Of course, she ignores the other 19 things she is allergic to but guess who just got a new mattress, new pillows, new sheets, etc. -- all hypoallergenic, hermetically sealed to prevent dust mites that we probably don't have anyway?

I bet it's the 37 antique chairs she's trying to sell to Karen on FB that may be the cause of the dust mites.  

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6649

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6 hours ago, Biff Tannen said:

Wife called me on her way to work this morning to tell me she was going to be late because there was a wreck on the train tracks and she was stuck.  She was nearly hysterical.  I asked if she wanted me to talk to god and get him to remove the wreck from the tracks.  I can't fucking stand when she does that shit.  WTF do you want me to do?  Tone.

My wife is the middle of 3 girls.  She has "everyone is out to get me / the universe is conspiring against me" disease.  Everything is "Well, how does this benefit or adversely affect me?" in her mind whenever something happens.

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Mitch Cumsteen

Mitch Cumsteen 18549

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1 hour ago, Player said:

Mitch - I thought you had some shady reupholstery guy that owed you money on speed dial.  I feel like we've all been cheated out of an opportunity for that guy to make another appearance. 

Toothless? He doesn't owe us money, just furniture. He still has this 1970s era loveseat that has a hideaway/fold out bed in it. He actually finished that one but didn't put enough cushion into the arms or some shit, so she made him come get it and re-do it. That had to be more than two  years ago. I purposefully don't remind my wife about it because 1) we don't have any room for it; 2) I don't want to have to go all Rockford Files to try to track down Toothless; and 3) it weighs about 400 lbs and my back starts to spasm just thinking about moving that sumbitch.

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8702

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20 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife is the middle of 3 girls.  She has "everyone is out to get me / the universe is conspiring against me" disease.  Everything is "Well, how does this benefit or adversely affect me?" in her mind whenever something happens.

You can refer to her as Marsha Jan around here - just not to her face.

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Modessit

Modessit 5601

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On road trips, it used to irritate the hell out of me when she'd call her mom and they'd ramble on and on over the telephone.  In an astounding lack of foresight, I once complained about that.  What I quickly learned is that the female brain has x amount of words that need to be vocalized every day.  If she doesn't vocalize them to her mom, guess who becomes the primary audience?  Fast forward, now when I can see the conversation is heading one of those particular directions, I very lightly interject and say, "Have you called your mom lately?"


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Bevo&Pevo

Bevo&Pevo 5144

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So... we were returning from Round Top/Warrenton antique show last week.  We decide to stop at the Magnolia Diner to get a quick bite to eat and stretch our legs.  All is good, service, food, etc.  Our waitress brings a couple of to go roadies (ice tea for me, diet coke for her) and out the door we go.  Cruising down 105, at the first red light I take off the top and take a sip, shit I got the diet coke.  Keep my cool and ease out a Mmmmm....  She's like "tea's good huh?"  I'm like yeah.  She takes a long pull on the straw and starts spittin' sputterin' and carrying on.  Looks at me says WTF?  I'm like what?  Oh..would you like some diet coke?  The waitress had inadvertently swapped our glasses.  I thought it was funny, her not so much.

BTW, someone should send Burt out there this weekend for the official kickoff on a recon mission.  There will be plenty of cougar/MILF ass to take picts of.

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Not a cat

Not a cat 5656

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5 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife is the middle of 3 girls.  She has "everyone is out to get me / the universe is conspiring against me" disease.  Everything is "Well, how does this benefit or adversely affect me?" in her mind whenever something happens.

That's not a middle daughter thing, that's a daughter thing.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5211

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On 10/26/2020 at 9:28 PM, AUS-97HORN said:

I'm still trying to figure out how its your fault.... I mean, we all know its your fault, but I dont see the opening for her to claim its your fault here.....

you might be in some deep shit soon.   Shes gonna blame you for something else instead.

it's his fault he's not gay

11 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


If she can’t vent to her husband, then who can she vent to??!!

one of the other 10 phone calls she made after.

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BHMCruiser

BHMCruiser 1813

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16 hours ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

So... we were returning from Round Top/Warrenton antique show last week.  We decide to stop at the Magnolia Diner to get a quick bite to eat and stretch our legs.  All is good, service, food, etc.  Our waitress brings a couple of to go roadies (ice tea for me, diet coke for her) and out the door we go.  Cruising down 105, at the first red light I take off the top and take a sip, shit I got the diet coke.  Keep my cool and ease out a Mmmmm....  She's like "tea's good huh?"  I'm like yeah.  She takes a long pull on the straw and starts spittin' sputterin' and carrying on.  Looks at me says WTF?  I'm like what?  Oh..would you like some diet coke?  The waitress had inadvertently swapped our glasses.  I thought it was funny, her not so much.

BTW, someone should send Burt out there this weekend for the official kickoff on a recon mission.  There will be plenty of cougar/MILF ass to take picts of.

Are you having a stroke? This is the worst story I have ever heard. Why did you take the time to write this?

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deadshank

deadshank 24652

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20 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

My wife is the middle of 3 girls.  She has "everyone is out to get me / the universe is conspiring against me" disease.  Everything is "Well, how does this benefit or adversely affect me?" in her mind whenever something happens.

The cosmos have aligned against her.  Proof, you ask?

She's married to you.

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Anastasis

Anastasis 23469

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My wife has joined some home organizing cult. I just got the whole run down. Told her all I want is a pizza and BBQ category in my pantry. She is threatening to bring that shit into my office and reorganize my bookshelves based on the color of the books rather than the topical content. She may end up with a pillow in her face tonight.  

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