Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[NeverMarryAStripper 22000]

Wasn’t D gate what got Clinton impeached?

[Incredulity 11684]

21 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Wasn’t D gate what got Clinton impeached?

Close, D cups.

[AUS-97HORN 11868]

29 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

Close, D cups.

almost

 

pretty sure it was D lips.

[Armybrat 40946]

14 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

almost

 

pretty sure it was Dem lips.

Fify

[ztejas 43716]

23 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

doesnt understand why Hockey only has 3 periods.

I'm not sure I've met a woman yet that doesn't need this explained to them.

[Trey3216 15380]

53 minutes ago, ztejas said:

I'm not sure I've met a woman yet that doesn't need this explained to them.

I would dare someone to break it down like this and see what happens:

 

You see, dear, there are 4 quarters in a given year.  

In each of those 4 quarters, there are 3 periods, or 3 months.  SO...think how many periods you have in a quarter...  

[956 Worldwide 34883]

Wife places an online order for stuff we can’t easily buy overseas. Decides to purchase cranberry sauce, doesn’t bother to check the container size.

Side note— cranberry sauce has never been on our Thanksgiving table, because I don’t like the canned stuff or care enough to make my own from scratch, other sides deserve that attention.

Also, decides to buy extra “because we may have guests who like it.”

TL,DR she purchased 64 oz containers of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce and I now have 3 gallons of it in my basement.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[davidg 4040]

Skateboarding video while drinking  eating cranberry sauce may change your life

[Mitch Cumsteen 18609]

On 11/29/2020 at 10:44 AM, AUS-97HORN said:

wd40's wife reminds me a lot of my Aunt.

 

My Uncle was an absolute die-hard DFW area sports fan, Cowboys, Rangers, Mavs, and yes, when they came along the Stars.  Lost him in 2005 to a bad heart.

But his wife, my dad's sister, was and still is, one of the worst sports wives/widows out there.  She still doesnt know exactly what a first down is, doesnt know that the 9th inning is the last inning unless its tied, and doesnt understand why Hockey only has 3 periods.

 

that being said, she managed to make the all time hall of fame list of" Holy Shit she said that's":

1989, every TV station, every newspaper, even the DJs on the radio (pretty sure no sports radio in Dallas until the 90s), is talking about the march to 5,000 strikeouts.

Nolan finally does it, and its all people talk about and since the Rangers suck so bad, something to celebrate about them. 

 

My Aunt at Thanksgiving that year ... the 5,000th S.O. came up during dinner and she spoke up... she  told us in no uncertain terms that she didnt understand why the whole city was making fun of Nolan. She thought it was in extremely poor taste that everyone kept pointing out that Nolan had struck out 5,000 times. 

She went on to say something like, Im sure hes trying pretty hard you dont need to keep making fun of him.......

silence.

 

My Uncle... an East Texas farmboy, blurts out.... holy shit woman, he didnt strikeout 5,000 times, he THREW 5,000 strikeouts.

Her reply.... oh... I knew strikeouts were bad, so I just didnt understand why the hell the whole city kept getting excited about a man striking out 5,000 times. 

 

I think I've told this story before on here, but back in the day when Barry Bonds was chasing the home run (HR) record, my wife sees the scroll across the bottom of the screen and says to me, "Hey, Barry Bonds is only two hours away from breaking the record!"

[Superhero 8884]

4 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Wife places an online order for stuff we can’t easily buy overseas. Decides to purchase cranberry sauce, doesn’t bother to check the container size.

Side note— cranberry sauce has never been on our Thanksgiving table, because I don’t like the canned stuff or care enough to make my own from scratch, other sides deserve that attention.

Also, decides to buy extra “because we may have guests who like it.”

TL,DR she purchased 64 oz containers of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce and I now have 3 gallons of it in my basement.
 

But the picture looks so small on my phone...

[NWBuck 8590]

5 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

TL,DR she purchased 64 oz containers of Ocean Spray cranberry sauce and I now have 3 gallons of it in my basement.

Well, now "I've got a UTI" is off the list of "no sex" excuses

[Modessit 5615]

I think I've told this story before on here, but back in the day when Barry Bonds was chasing the home run (HR) record, my wife sees the scroll across the bottom of the screen and says to me, "Hey, Barry Bonds is only two hours away from breaking the record!"

Once at a restaurant I had to use the restroom before leaving. I told wife to wait by the door next to the bar and to check the TV to find out who was winning the football game. When I got there she told me, "Lewisville is beating Olay Miss" (Louisville vs Ole Miss).

[Nivek 17016]

Thanks for the parenthetical explanation.

[Modessit 5615]

Thanks for the parenthetical explanation.

It's so y'all can show it to your wives.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

On 11/30/2020 at 10:23 AM, ztejas said:

I'm not sure I've met a woman yet that doesn't need this explained to them.

Mrs. Rox asked me during one of the Longhorn games why if we had the ball on something like 2nd or 3rd down to end the 1st half "Why don't we get the ball again to start the 2nd half & finish to 4th down?"

I get shit like "Why are we punting?" (4th down) that is in the line of "Don't we get 4 tries & then punt if we don't get it [1st down, score, whatever] on the 1st 4 attempts?" i.e. 5 Downs total.

[ztejas 43716]

9 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

Mrs. Rox asked me during one of the Longhorn games why if we had the ball on something like 2nd or 3rd down to end the 1st half "Why don't we get the ball again to start the 2nd half & finish to 4th down?"

Honestly... that's not a bad question. She's displaying a sense of continuity and basic logic and making the assumption that since this is how quarters are treated it is also how halves should be treated.

[ROFL BOX 6649]

1 minute ago, ztejas said:

Honestly...

You're not helping.

[ztejas 43716]

2 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

You're not helping.

Yeah, well, I just think it's funny how...

And I should have phrased it differently - assuming she's seen at least several football games, of course it's a stupid question. But in the world of females attempting to understand sporting events it has certain qualities that other inquiries might lack.

I will say this: if a red-blooded American male over the age of 8 ever asked something like that in my presence I'd be concerned that they were having a stroke or smoking bath salts. 

[Armybrat 40946]

12 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Mrs. Rox asked me during one of the Longhorn games why if we had the ball on something like 2nd or 3rd down to end the 1st half "Why don't we get the ball again to start the 2nd half & finish to 4th down?"

I get shit like "Why are we punting?" (4th down) that is in the line of "Don't we get 4 tries & then punt if we don't get it [1st down, score, whatever] on the 1st 4 attempts?" i.e. 5 Downs total.

Did she attend the Colorado University?

[ABSR 5327]

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Did she attend the Colorado University?

No, but she may have refereed a game there.

[HenryJames 66231]

23 hours ago, Modessit said:

On 12/2/2020 at 12:42 PM, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I think I've told this story before on here, but back in the day when Barry Bonds was chasing the home run (HR) record, my wife sees the scroll across the bottom of the screen and says to me, "Hey, Barry Bonds is only two hours away from breaking the record!"

Once at a restaurant I had to use the restroom before leaving. I told wife to wait by the door next to the bar and to check the TV to find out who was winning the football game. When I got there she told me, "Lewisville is beating Olay Miss" (Louisville vs Ole Miss).

[Celery Man 21025]

Anthropologie had a gingerbread doormat and now they don’t but no reason to let that stop you.

I was going to make fun of my wife for this because it’s a little insane and especially since she is doing this right now when we are four days away from moving out of our temporary apartment and into the new house. But actually following that logic path I can see how she landed there, if you conclude that a gingerbread house doormat is a necessity and that there won’t be time later.

[Celery Man 21025]

“hey Celery can you get me these scissors”
*receives link to Milwaukee job site scissors*
“... why these scissors?”
“I’m cutting a doormat”
*pause*
“OK”

*day elapses, there is now a gingerbread house doormat forming on the table *
“Lol wtf?”
“I told you about the doormat you don’t listen”

[tbone_ 14233]

That didn’t take long

[Nivek 17016]

Wife: This wine takes like fermented grape juice.

[Kennythetiger 9492]

4 hours ago, Celery Man said:

Anthropologie had a gingerbread doormat and now they don’t but no reason to let that stop you.

I was going to make fun of my wife for this because it’s a little insane and especially since she is doing this right now when we are four days away from moving out of our temporary apartment and into the new house. But actually following that logic path I can see how she landed there, if you conclude that a gingerbread house doormat is a necessity and that there won’t be time later.

This makes me nostalgic for gingerbread men. The parts with the red-hot cinnamon candies were the best. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8873]

Anthropologie had a gingerbread doormat and now they don’t but no reason to let that stop you.

I was going to make fun of my wife for this because it’s a little insane and especially since she is doing this right now when we are four days away from moving out of our temporary apartment and into the new house. But actually following that logic path I can see how she landed there, if you conclude that a gingerbread house doormat is a necessity and that there won’t be time later.

Looks like the front of hogwarts

[nnm 36764]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

This makes me nostalgic for gingerbread men. The parts with the red-hot cinnamon candies were the best. 

So you like ginger men with red hot parts. Alrightythen. 

[Kennythetiger 9492]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

So you like ginger men with red hot parts. Alrightythen. 

This is Surly. We don’t judge. 

[956 Worldwide 34883]

“I tried this great coffee place near your work today, you should go sometime.”

”What’s it called?”

”I don’t remember, but it’s a few streets over from the big church.”

”How many streets over? And which direction?”

”I think I turned up.  I don’t remember.”

“.................”

“Thanks honey. I’ll try it out one day.” 
 

Any other response is just not worth it. 

[MNLonghornFUKM 8873]

“I tried this great coffee place near your work today, you should go sometime.”
”What’s it called?”
”I don’t remember, but it’s a few streets over from the big church.”
”How many streets over? And which direction?”
”I think I turned up.  I don’t remember.”
“.................”
“Thanks honey. I’ll try it out one day.” 
 
Any other response is just not worth it. 

Awesome. Sounds familiar. my wife doesn’t know the main arteries to our own home despite living here for 2 years, lived together in the same city for almost 9, and were both born and raised in our “metro”

[ROFL BOX 6649]

Awesome. Sounds familiar. my wife doesn’t know the main arteries to our own home despite living here for 2 years, lived together in the same city for almost 9, and were both born and raised in our “metro”

My daughter:
"Never
Eat
Soggy
Waffles"

Me: "OK, so what direction IS "Never / North"?"

Her: "...umm... "

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[ROFL BOX 6649]

ROFL-Wife: "I have lived here my entire life - I know this town, you don't need to tell me...".

A few weeks later, random: "I don't know where that is, I haven't been in that area in probably a decade."

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[956 Worldwide 34883]

10 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

ROFL-Wife: "I have lived here my entire life - I know this town, you don't need to tell me...".

A few weeks later, random: "I don't know where that is, I haven't been in that area in probably a decade."

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

Not my wife, but a wife— when I was a senior in high school (we moved to our medium RGV town when I was under two years old) my mother referred to the giant reservoir that holds all our water as “the lake 956 claims is out there by the other high school.”

It’s a two minute drive from what was then a 5A high school and about the same distance from Walmart.  When pressed, she offered that since she had never personally gone to see it, she couldn’t say with certainty that it existed.

[NeverMarryAStripper 22000]

So she's a Certified Fair Witness?

[SquishMitten 10453]

We bought a house recently, and we’re in the middle of remodeling. Won’t be moving in for a couple weeks, but my wife has insisted on packing non-stop. It’s gotten to the point where we run out of dishes and glassware every day because she only left us with like 5 of everything. There’s 6 people in my house, so you can see why that’s a problem. The kids are living out of suitcases. We have no spare sheets for beds. That is annoying, but I’ve managed. BUT I discovered yesterday that she has packed up our medicine cabinet. Other than my daily scripts, I have nothing. Heartburn? Go to the store and buy medicine. Got the shits? Go to the store. Kids get a cut? Put some toilet paper on it and wrap them with scotch tape. Fucking insane. At least two more weeks of this. Before you ask, we have about a hundred boxes stacked in the garage of the new place so there’s no telling where the medicine might be

[Dennis Taylor 18906]

1 hour ago, SquishMitten said:

We bought a house recently, and we’re in the middle of remodeling. Won’t be moving in for a couple weeks, but my wife has insisted on packing non-stop. It’s gotten to the point where we run out of dishes and glassware every day because she only left us with like 5 of everything. There’s 6 people in my house, so you can see why that’s a problem. The kids are living out of suitcases. We have no spare sheets for beds. That is annoying, but I’ve managed. BUT I discovered yesterday that she has packed up our medicine cabinet. Other than my daily scripts, I have nothing. Heartburn? Go to the store and buy medicine. Got the shits? Go to the store. Kids get a cut? Put some toilet paper on it and wrap them with scotch tape. Fucking insane. At least two more weeks of this. Before you ask, we have about a hundred boxes stacked in the garage of the new place so there’s no telling where the medicine might be

I've found it helpful to write on the outside of the box what its contents are

[NeverMarryAStripper 22000]

Where’s the fun in that?

[SquishMitten 10453]

1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I've found it helpful to write on the outside of the box what its contents are

I do. But I think packing this far in advance is regarded so I have only done a small faction of them.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

2 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I've found it helpful to write on the outside of the box what its contents are

Thanks, Helpy Helperton.

[956 Worldwide 34883]

Moving opens up all kind of possibilities for the intrepid.  
 

“Oh shit, what did happen to that? Damn movers,. Is this really worth making a fuss over?”

Make your own internal rule-  if the wife actually misses/asks about it, be prepared to buy a new one. Guarantee you come out ahead.

 

 

[Superhero 8884]

23 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Moving opens up all kind of possibilities for the intrepid.  
 

“Oh shit, what did happen to that? Damn movers,. Is this really worth making a fuss over?”

Make your own internal rule-  if the wife actually misses/asks about it, be prepared to buy a new one. Guarantee you come out ahead.

Okay Marie Kondo.

[TrashMaster G 17668]

2 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Thanks, Helpy McHelperton.

fify

[EE2B 1565]

The other night when we were taking the kids to look at Christmas lights, my wife said she was going to turn on Christmas music. She saw the “Rock the Bells” channel on XM and assumed that it was Christmas music. When the song started it took her a few seconds to realize the error of her ways. I think my kids were really starting to get into Gin and Juice.

[Kennythetiger 9492]

I got my mind on my money and my money on my mind. 

[SquishMitten 10453]

19 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Moving opens up all kind of possibilities for the intrepid.  
 

“Oh shit, what did happen to that? Damn movers,. Is this really worth making a fuss over?”

Make your own internal rule-  if the wife actually misses/asks about it, be prepared to buy a new one. Guarantee you come out ahead.

She actually has great design taste, and she's quite a minimalist. I have no doubt she is doing this with my stuff though.

[Biff Tannen 45761]

On 12/8/2020 at 4:29 PM, TrashMaster G said:

fify

No, he was right the first time.

[elfenix 34371]

WasteKing 1 hp continuous feed garbage disposal on sale for $84, much cheaper than a divorce

https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B000DZGN7Q/

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

It's time for the annual "I have so much to do in the next week" Christmas panic.

No, babe, you don't need to volunteer for everything, buy everyone in America a present, send everyone in America a Christmas Card, bake something for everyone in America, and then complain. 

Just say no. You have created this problem yourself.

[tbone_ 14233]

You are wasting your time with that logic.

Unilaterally creating an unrealistic to do list then freaking out because you are so overwhelmed is forever engrained in the American female psyche. It ain’t ever changing.