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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6647

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On 7/5/2018 at 10:43 AM, AUS-97HORN said:

gotta admit- havent had a hard chuckle like that from this page in a while,  putting her socks under your pillow so she can wake you in the middle of the night for you to give them to her.... thats some 5th level strategery right there.

I'll add some 6th dimension here... he puts up with it because Ladder Theory & he's hoping that one day he can make the jump.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4968

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Was watching the episode of the office where Pam slaps Michael and then Dwight puts half a frozen chicken on Michael's face for the swelling.

"He's going to get salmonella! That's my greatest fear!"

She then proceeds to explain the highly complicated measures she goes through to keep everything clean while preparing chicken in the kitchen. I didn't pay that much attention to the details, but I'm pretty sure she marinates it in bleach.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

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2 hours ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Was watching the episode of the office where Pam slaps Michael and then Dwight puts half a frozen chicken on Michael's face for the swelling.

"He's going to get salmonella! That's my greatest fear!"

She then proceeds to explain the highly complicated measures she goes through to keep everything clean while preparing chicken in the kitchen. I didn't pay that much attention to the details, but I'm pretty sure she marinates it in bleach.

you do have the whitest teeth on the message board, Ive noticed.

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BearCountry11

BearCountry11 1234

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Wife left the car keys in the front door (on the outside) again overnight.  This is the 3rd or 4th time she has done it but I’m the asshole for fussing at her about it.  Anyone walking by could have easily seen it and taken the car.  Not to mention having access to the house (we own a lot of guns so that would be ill-advised).  But, again, I’m a jerk because I got mad about it.  

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Bill Brasky

Bill Brasky 1439

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Posted (edited)
On 6/25/2018 at 3:22 PM, GSU&UT said:

Pretty sure it wasn't him, although maybe he wished it. The story was @Bill Brasky (better be the same Bill Brasky) wife was holding a gun and to demonstrate it wasn't loaded she pointed the gun at him and pulled the trigger.

Hi!   So there were some break-ins in the neighborhood around that time and the wife was a little bit worried about what would happen if she were home alone.   I showed her the basics of how to work my shotgun and that pretty much if she were just able to work the pump action that sound alone would be a pretty good theft deterrent.   So that night I went to store while she was sleeping.  When I came home and as I am walking into the living room she raises up from behind the kitchen counter and works the pump action and out of instinct I dive for cover behind the couch.   She starts laughing at me and I am like wtf, you don't point guns at people like that.   She was proud that she remembered how to do it and wanted to show off for me.  I asked her how she knew it wasn't loaded and she said she pulled the trigger and nothing happened. 

Edited by Bill Brasky
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BearCountry11

BearCountry11 1234

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8 minutes ago, Bill Brasky said:

Hi!   So there were some break-ins in the neighborhood around that time and the wife was a little bit worried about what would happen if she were home alone.   I showed her the basics of how to work my shotgun and that pretty much if she were just able to work the pump action that sound alone would be a pretty good theft deterrent.   So that night I went to store while she was sleeping.  When I came home and as I am walking into the living room she raises up from behind the kitchen counter and works the pump action and out of instinct I dive for cover behind the couch.   She starts laughing at me and I am like wtf, you don't point guns at people like that.   She was proud that she remembered how to do it and wanted to show off for me.  I asked her how she knew it wasn't loaded and she said she pulled the trigger and nothing happened. 

Damn 

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tx ind

tx ind 7003

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9 minutes ago, Bill Brasky said:

Hi!   So there were some break-ins in the neighborhood around that time and the wife was a little bit worried about what would happen if she were home alone.   I showed her the basics of how to work my shotgun and that pretty much if she were just able to work the pump action that sound alone would be a pretty good theft deterrent.   So that night I went to store while she was sleeping.  When I came home and as I am walking into the living room she raises up from behind the kitchen counter and works the pump action and out of instinct I dive for cover behind the couch.   She starts laughing at me and I am like wtf, you don't point guns at people like that.   She was proud that she remembered how to do it and wanted to show off for me.  I asked her how she knew it wasn't loaded and she said she pulled the trigger and nothing happened. 

Holy shit

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8399

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1 hour ago, BearCountry11 said:

Wife left the car keys in the front door (on the outside) again overnight.  This is the 3rd or 4th time she has done it but I’m the asshole for fussing at her about it.  Anyone walking by could have easily seen it and taken the car.  Not to mention having access to the house (we own a lot of guns so that would be ill-advised).  But, again, I’m a jerk because I got mad about it.  

Next time it happens, put her keys in your pocket and say nothing while she hunts for them.  Let her stew for four or five days, then quietly drop them in her purse.  Repeat as often as she leaves the keys in the door, varying your holding time.  It won't change her behavior, but it holds potential for entertainment. 

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NWBuck

NWBuck 8548

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46 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Next time it happens, put her keys in your pocket and say nothing while she hunts for them.  Let her stew for four or five days, then quietly drop them in her purse.  Repeat as often as she leaves the keys in the door, varying your holding time.  It won't change her behavior, but it holds potential for entertainment. 

Until you come home and find out she's had all the locks changed (and given the locksmith a generous 'tip'), and that the car is in the shop being rekeyed as well. 

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Modessit

Modessit 5597

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Wife left the car keys in the front door (on the outside) again overnight.  This is the 3rd or 4th time she has done it but I’m the asshole for fussing at her about it.  Anyone walking by could have easily seen it and taken the car.  Not to mention having access to the house (we own a lot of guns so that would be ill-advised).  But, again, I’m a jerk because I got mad about it.  
I can't remember the number of times I've delivered to someone's house and found keys in the lock. I knock or ring the bell so the lady can come to the door with an annoyed look ("Why isn't he just leaving it at the door?") but she quickly gets a sheepish look on her face when I point out the obvious. A couple times the husband comes to the door and rolls his eyes when he finds out.
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BearCountry11

BearCountry11 1234

Posted
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1 hour ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Next time it happens, put her keys in your pocket and say nothing while she hunts for them.  Let her stew for four or five days, then quietly drop them in her purse.  Repeat as often as she leaves the keys in the door, varying your holding time.  It won't change her behavior, but it holds potential for entertainment. 

Looking forward to this. 

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Scheiss Meister

Scheiss Meister 8399

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1 hour ago, NWBuck said:

Until you come home and find out she's had all the locks changed (and given the locksmith a generous 'tip'), and that the car is in the shop being rekeyed as well. 

Which will increase the entertainment when she finds her keys in her purse, and give you the opportunity to ask why she had the locks changed when she had the old keys all along.

It may never be defeated, but you can put up a fight, and have fun doing it.

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BearMace

BearMace 2183

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36 minutes ago, BigHorn'13 said:

I'd think letting her search for awhile then putting them back in the door and then asking her in the most delicate way possible-- "hey you didn't leave them in the door again, did you?" would be the way to go. 

That would never work. She'd check the door first. Limits the fun.

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Spartan52

Spartan52 151

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Posted (edited)

That would be the first place she would look, because when she heads out its a lot easier to lock the door if you don't have to go looking for your keys, your wife is just thinking ahead and being prepared.

 

Bearmace beat me to it...

Edited by Spartan52
Bearmace
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lateshow

lateshow 1304

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On 7/8/2018 at 6:30 AM, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

Was watching the episode of the office where Pam slaps Michael and then Dwight puts half a frozen chicken on Michael's face for the swelling.

"He's going to get salmonella! That's my greatest fear!"

She then proceeds to explain the highly complicated measures she goes through to keep everything clean while preparing chicken in the kitchen. I didn't pay that much attention to the details, but I'm pretty sure she marinates it in bleach.

Spoiler

She's slowly trying to kill you to collect life insurance money. 

 

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10085

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Not as crazy as Bill's... the wife texts me and asks how to work the safety on the revolver I keep in nightstand. I explain for the umpteenth time that there is no safety, you either cock the hammer first or simply pull the trigger. She says she pulled the trigger and nothing happened. Now I'm wondering what the hell she did(I left the gun loaded), where she was pointing it, and why she was pulling the trigger in the first place.

I told her to put the gun in the safe, and pray nothing bad happens until I get back to Houston. Her firearm privileges have been revoked.

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shakahorn

shakahorn 1628

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46 minutes ago, Brothahorn said:

Not as crazy as Bill's... the wife texts me and asks how to work the safety on the revolver I keep in nightstand. I explain for the umpteenth time that there is no safety, you either cock the hammer first or simply pull the trigger. She says she pulled the trigger and nothing happened. Now I'm wondering what the hell she did(I left the gun loaded), where she was pointing it, and why she was pulling the trigger in the first place.

I told her to put the gun in the safe, and pray nothing bad happens until I get back to Houston. Her firearm privileges have been revoked.

You got a dead boyfriend in your bed.

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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My wife has never once called me at work the entire time we've known each other. Always just text or calls my cell. We just got back from vacation, so I'm way behind. She took today off. I'm on the phone with a customer. See he try to call me twice on my cell. Then she text. "Call me ASAP!!" Then I see see her cell number come up on the caller ID of my office phone while I'm still on it. Then a co worker comes in "Hey - your wife just called my line, I put her on hold - line two"

I quickly get off the phone because I figured something horrible happened.

 

Me "Hey - is something wrong??"

Her "No, I was just going to schedule a doctors appointment for you. When is a good time?"

 

WTF???

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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Posted (edited)

Some of you may remember from the old board the new Audi I bought for the wife back during the winter. Though not the point of this post, you will be pleased to hear that she has already backed into a pole and also sideswiped a coworker's car in the office parking lot. Neither damaged the car too terribly - just some scratches and nicks in the paint - but it was inevitable so I can't get too upset about it. The passenger side mirror housing is also busted, but that was also inevitable based on past history. 

Regardless of the nicks and dings, I am not exactly sure how she does it, but she has a propensity to lock her keys in this car. How, you might ask? Because she leaves her purse sitting in the front seat and never takes the keys out of her purse and somehow it.... locks behind her? 

Point of the story is this: Audi has a nice online app that locks and unlocks the doors. You might think that this would help her, but no, it does not. Why not? Because her phone is also in the purse. 

So guess who gets frantic phone calls from random numbers asking to unlock the car remotely? And guess who gets yelled at via voicemail when I don't answer the phone from random numbers I don't recognize? 

This happened over the weekend and I inquired about the possibility of not leaving her purse in the car.... tone. 

Edited by crimsonlonghorn
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Modessit

Modessit 5597

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Posted
Not as crazy as Bill's... the wife texts me and asks how to work the safety on the revolver I keep in nightstand. I explain for the umpteenth time that there is no safety, you either cock the hammer first or simply pull the trigger. She says she pulled the trigger and nothing happened. Now I'm wondering what the hell she did(I left the gun loaded), where she was pointing it, and why she was pulling the trigger in the first place.

I told her to put the gun in the safe, and pray nothing bad happens until I get back to Houston. Her firearm privileges have been revoked.
She was practicing for when she shoots you while you're sleeping.
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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

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Just moved into a new home about a month ago and have been working on it getting it up to status of where we would both like it to be/look like.  She's working out of town and comes home every other weekend.  By myself, I somehow manage to fill one trash can/bag full of trash.  When she's here?  3-4 bags easily if not more.  

 

Does not compute.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

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31 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

Just moved into a new home about a month ago and have been working on it getting it up to status of where we would both like it to be/look like.  She's working out of town and comes home every other weekend.  By myself, I somehow manage to fill one trash can/bag full of trash.  When she's here?  3-4 bags easily if not more.  

 

Does not compute.

well. she doesnt compact it with her hand like i assume you do. Im able to get an extra day out of our would be full trash bag by pushing down it with a plate or something that im done using. My wife will toss anything into the trash, or recycle can and allow it to stack on top of each other.

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lateshow

lateshow 1304

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Posted
15 minutes ago, BigHorn'13 said:

Does yours stack them next to the trash for you too? 

 

Hell yes. Breaking down a box is foreign to my wife. She also enjoys stacking shit by the door for me to take out, instead of just walking the 20 or so steps through the garage to the garbage bin. 

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8667

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Posted
33 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

I have her stack the boxes by the door or in the garage so I can break 'em down.  Tired of putting a full recycle bin at the curb, only to realize there's probably 2/3rds of it being used up by boxes that weren't broken down.

I only break down boxes if the recycle bin is going to be too full.  Otherwise, I don't give a damn.

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