Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

2 hours ago, Thatguy said:

 

  Man, I might be a little different than you in that I did not care. Elite dick suckers don't get there without practice.

She is damn good at it

[tbone_ 14,113]

No shit

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

1 hour ago, Flg8rfan said:

A few weeks ago she decided to go on a diet plan.

Keep us up to date here because I envision lots of bullshittery involved if she indeed DOES stick to the program (most people - wives included (especially) - don't).

[TrashMaster G 17,551]

5 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I told my wife I was a virgin when we met. 

After having sex with you the first time, she didn't question anything, did she?

[SHOOTER12 8,800]

On 8/8/2021 at 10:16 AM, Thatguy said:

  Wife throws a 40th Bday party for one of her friends for just the girls. There are 7 cackling hens downstairs in the family room. Daughter and I bunker down in our movie theater room and try to start watching something. Full surround sound. Speakers fore, aft, side, and ceiling. Still too loud to watch a movie. We hop into the car and run to the mall, my kid's favorite place. Do a couple laps, grab a couple things, and head out. Go over to my brother's. Hit the kids with some pillows. Talk a little shop. Go home and these motherfuckers are still here. Except now they've downed a 3 gallon container of Sangria that my wife made. We go back upstairs and barricade ourselves back in the theater room. A little while later it's quieted down, but they are still here. I get nominated to go get snacks. I go down there and they all look at me like this....................

 

 Apparently the conversation had turned to "shit your Husband does".

I think that's bogus. That's obviously an old photo.  She is still ugly but, look how young Chicago's mayor looks.

[Buzzrock 14,903]

[tbone_ 14,113]

That’s outstanding

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

Tumblers:  Did you break into my house, bring my wife's tumblers to your house, take a pic & then return them to my house?

[Mo Horn 8,831]

20 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

At dinner Friday night and my wife thinks we should discuss how many girls I slept with before we got married….nearly 12 years ago.

I told her that is the single dumbest thing to talk about.

Sorry to break it to you, but she's just trying to tell you that she's stepping out on you, and looking for ammunition to justify that you slept with X number of people. 

[Sandman 3,403]

5 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

Mine likes to get a pound of chicken and a bunch of Romaine. "Gonna make Caesar Salad!" 

3 days later I'm tossing the chicken in the freezer before it goes bad. 3 days after that our trash is filled with lettuce. Rinse. Repeat. 

A tale as old as time.

My wife will buy those pre-made salads at our local grocery store and it's inevitable that at least one of them gets tossed by sunday ("I forgot that was in there!"). She actually ate all of the ones she bought the last week and tried to spike that football in my face, like she solved an ancient math equation that's baffled scientists for generations. I just told her I was proud of her and walked away.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,876]

I buy bananas every time I go to the grocery store.  On Friday when the housekeeper comes there's always a couple sitting out that have turned black and she will throw them away.  Once I forgot to buy bananas and she left me a note reminding me to buy them next time I went to the grocery store.

[Trey3216 15,345]

3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

Did you take a picture of my wife's nightstand??    

[NorthLoop 14,183]

2 hours ago, Sandman said:

A tale as old as time.

My wife will buy those pre-made salads at our local grocery store and it's inevitable that at least one of them gets tossed by sunday ("I forgot that was in there!"). She actually ate all of the ones she bought the last week and tried to spike that football in my face, like she solved an ancient math equation that's baffled scientists for generations. I just told her I was proud of her and walked away.

And God forbid you eat one if you feel so inclined. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

6 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

And God forbid you eat one if you feel so inclined. 

[mulletpelini 5,210]

9 hours ago, tbone_ said:

That’s outstanding

pun intended?

[mulletpelini 5,210]

16 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

I told my wife I was a virgin when we met. 

If none of them came, it doesn't count.

I'd say you're in the clear.

[Pokoloco 1,279]

Here in OKC, pretty much no one wears masks anymore. My wife wears one (mainly because she doesn't want to wear makeup when she goes to the store).

"I bet people think I'm virtual signaling"

[tbone_ 14,113]

She takes it off at my house.

[PantsTent 2,002]

I raise you…



And there’s another cabinet full of more. And the coffee mug cabinet…

[ABSR 5,308]

18 minutes ago, PantsTent said:

I raise you…



And there’s another cabinet full of more. And the coffee mug cabinet…

I have a similar cabinet, but most of the cups are on their side or just shoved in like it's a junk drawer.  You're just showing off.

And the original poster still wins as all of the one's he is showing are 1/3 to 2/3 full of water or liquids of some sort and are sitting on the night stand....where they have been for days or weeks.

[PantsTent 2,002]

6 minutes ago, ABSR said:

I have a similar cabinet, but most of the cups are on their side or just shoved in like it's a junk drawer.  You're just showing off.

And the original poster still wins as all of the one's he is showing are 1/3 to 2/3 full of water or liquids of some sort and are sitting on the night stand....where they have been for days or weeks.

This is true.  My wife only has one or two out at a time.  She's way more OCD than all the dude's in the stadium renovation thread combined, so her obsession with cups and mugs are all neatly aligned in several cabinets/shelfs.  It has it's benefits, but once a week or so she goes off on me about not hanging the kitchen towel on the oven handle "straight".

 

Edited August 12, 2021 by PantsTent

[irishtexan 11,515]

1 hour ago, PantsTent said:

I raise you…



And there’s another cabinet full of more. And the coffee mug cabinet…

If y'all ever have a party where 60 people want to drink tap water, you're fucking set....

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

This is my Mom's leftover collection; there are probably 3 times as many that have come & gone over the last 8 yeats.

But yeah,[mention=306]PantsTent[/mention] def. wins this one.




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[WhatTheBuck 28,775]

On 8/11/2021 at 3:32 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

I buy bananas every time I go to the grocery store.  On Friday when the housekeeper comes there's always a couple sitting out that have turned black and she will throw them away.  Once I forgot to buy bananas and she left me a note reminding me to buy them next time I went to the grocery store.

4011

Throw those overripe bananas in a bag in the freezer and save them to make banana bread. 

[Flg8rfan 201]

4011
Throw those overripe bananas in a bag in the freezer and save them to make banana bread. 

Or just have Juanita make it for you on fridays while she’s cleaning.

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

4011
Throw those overripe bananas in a bag in the freezer and save them to make banana bread. 

Are you my wife?

She says that nonsense every.fucking.time. I ask about throwing away the shitty, black, diseased, spoiled bananas that sit on the counter for 2 or 3 weeks.

"Save them for banana bread."

This has made me realize i don't ever want to eat bread that is made specifically with spoiled, black, diseased fruit.

Narrator: "& She never actually did make banana bread."

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[nnm 36,354]

11 minutes ago, Flg8rfan said:

Or just have Juanita make it for you on fridays while she’s “cleaning.”

FIFY

[Felix 607]

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

4011

Throw those overripe bananas in a bag in the freezer and save them to make banana bread. 

Yeah about that.  I have approximately 17 bunches of black bananas in my freezer and that's only because I've secretly thrown out 10 bunches.  Nobody eats that much banana bread.

[ROFL BOX 6,647]

Quick, informal survey:

If you have a garage, how much of it / what % is actually functional as a garage vs. has crap / household whatevers in it?

If discussing, 1 car... 2 car... 2 car single door with a separate 1 or 2 car setup, etc.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

[NorthLoop 14,183]

ahem...

 

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3,868]

10 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

ahem...

 

Looks a lot like the empty beer cans around my computer after a Turtle Tom coached game.

Edited August 13, 2021 by ShaggyBevo RIP

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

Damn @NorthLoop, your wife is responsible for Global Warming.

[BearSchlong 8,083]

the charging Apple watch just ties it all together

[ABSR 5,308]

31 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

ahem...

 

I'm just impressed that some of them are empty.  I don't know if I have ever seen my wife finish one.

And if you buy some white paint you she will still look like a slob, but not a poor slob.

[NorthLoop 14,183]

11 minutes ago, ABSR said:

And if you buy some white paint you she will still look like a slob, but not a poor slob.

It's supposed to look "distressed" 

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

47 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

ahem...

 

 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

3 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

It's supposed to look "distressed" 

*Depressed

 

[Flg8rfan 201]

ahem...
 

Change then to fast food cups and that’s either of my daughters rooms.

[WhatTheBuck 28,775]

2 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Are you my wife?

She says that nonsense every.fucking.time. I ask about throwing away the shitty, black, diseased, spoiled bananas that sit on the counter for 2 or 3 weeks.

"Save them for banana bread."

This has made me realize i don't ever want to eat bread that is made specifically with spoiled, black, diseased fruit.

Narrator: "& She never actually did make banana bread."

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

What makes you think it’s diseased? It’s not. That’s how you make banana bread. The starches in the bananas break down into sugars and you get a lot more sweetness from an overripe banana. You want them to be dark and soft and mushy. Try making banana bread with fresh bananas sometime and see how that works for you.

Guess what else. The secret to making good sugar cookies is to use sour milk.

[WhatTheBuck 28,775]

2 hours ago, Felix said:

Yeah about that.  I have approximately 17 bunches of black bananas in my freezer and that's only because I've secretly thrown out 10 bunches.  Nobody eats that much banana bread.

Pro tip: those bunches of bananas can be pulled apart. You don’t have to buy a whole bunch at a time. I just buy two bananas at a time so I can eat them before they go bad. But if one gets overripe, it goes into the freezer. I probably have enough to make a batch of banana bread now. I’ll have to get on that. I just need to pick up some walnuts the next time I go to the store.

But yeah, buy fewer bananas and eat your bananas. But also make banana bread every once in awhile. That stuff is great.

[SHOOTER12 8,800]

1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

It's supposed to look "distressed" 

That looks like way beyond distressed.

[Scheiss Meister 8,407]

2 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

It's supposed to look "distressed" 

Poor folks spend money trying to look rich, and rich folks spend money trying to look poor.  Keeps antique shops and Round Top in business.

[CycleTex87 2,967]

Banana bread is delicious.  The grosser looking the bananas the better.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,876]

3 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Quick, informal survey:

If you have a garage, how much of it / what % is actually functional as a garage vs. has crap / household whatevers in it?

If discussing, 1 car... 2 car... 2 car single door with a separate 1 or 2 car setup, etc.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

When I was married to the ex we had a three car garage.  I was lucky if I had room in one of them to park my Kawasaki Mule and my motorcycle.  Once she left I was able to clean out the garage and park my truck, my car, the Mule, and the Motorcycle.  I had to buy two of those Waste Management Bagsters to clean out the garage.  Since she's been gone I have always been able to park my car in the garage.

Edited August 13, 2021 by NeverMarryAStripper

[Dennis Taylor 18,809]

28 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

When I was married to the ex we had a three car garage.  I was lucky if I had room in one of them to park my Kawasaki Mule and my motorcycle.  Once she left I was able to clean out the garage and park my truck, my car, the Mule, and the Motorcycle.  I had to buy two of those Waste Management Bagsters to clean out the garage.  Since she's been gone I have always been able to park my car in the garage.

So she didn't get half your shit or your house? 

Did you have her whacked? 

[AUS-97HORN 11,757]

1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

So she didn't get half your shit or your house? 

Did you have her whacked? 

pretty sure he told us that he let her keep the chest enhancements he paid for and he got the rest.

[Flg8rfan 201]

Quick, informal survey:

If you have a garage, how much of it / what % is actually functional as a garage vs. has crap / household whatevers in it?

If discussing, 1 car... 2 car... 2 car single door with a separate 1 or 2 car setup, etc.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk

2 gar garage. 20x20 with Air handler, water heater, well pressure tank, washer, and dryer along the rear wall. Not much hope in parking a car in there to begin with.

Next house will be built to what we want.

[tbone_ 14,113]

When I was married the garage was for cars. If we had (translated: she put) too much shit in the garage for a car to fit in it was hers that parked in the driveway.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,876]

51 minutes ago, AUS-97HORN said:

pretty sure he told us that he let her keep the chest enhancements he paid for and he got the rest.

When I wasn't looking she took my BBQ pit and my motorcycle

[Paper_jam 831]

6 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Quick, informal survey:

If you have a garage, how much of it / what % is actually functional as a garage vs. has crap / household whatevers in it?

If discussing, 1 car... 2 car... 2 car single door with a separate 1 or 2 car setup, etc.

Sent from my SM-G950U1 using Tapatalk
 

My garage has about 75% of the floor area open for parking. (The rest is taken up with mowers, gardening shit, etc.) The builder called it a two-car garage but I call bullshit, it's only 18' wide so you could only get two cars in there if you have nothing else taking up floor space. There ought to be some kind of building code that requires something represented as a "two car garage" to be at least 20' wide.