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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

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Posted

My typical Sunday 

Me " I have to run to Home Depot. I'm going to take your car and fill it up though."

Goes to chili's (it's in the same parking lot as HD) drinks a couple of beers and catching up pre MLB or NFL gameday stuff. Fill up car. Go home. She's happy I filled up her car. I'm relaxed from two or three drinks. 

 

Sometimes I even go to HD.

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Modessit

Modessit 5596

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Posted
Driving home from New Mexico a couple of weeks ago on a winding mountain road.

Her:  we have no cell service, how are we going to get home?

Me:  what do you mean?

Her: how are we gonna get home if the navigation app isn’t working?

Me:  I’m sure we’ll get service back when we get out of the mountains.

her:  what if we don’t?

me: I’m 99% sure I can get us home without the nav.  Do you see the little ‘E’ on the right side of the rearview mirror?  It’s a compass and the ‘E’ stands for East.  Worst case scenario is we just keep going in that direction.  Would it ease your mind if I stop at the next gas station and purchase a map? (I wanted to ask her what the odds are of us having no cell service for our entire trip from Eastern New Mexico to DFW and the zombiee apocalypse/nuclear war that would be capable of causing said outage, but I restrained myself).

apparently there was an issue with tone in my last response.  And cell service magically was restored when we exited the mountains.

This is a good time to point out that you don't need cell service for your navigation to work on a trip. You just need it in the beginning when you set the route and start. The GPS will still track your position and show you moving along the preloaded route you set before you left. You're only fucked if you kill the app or let your battery die when you have no service.

 

I've had to point this out to numerous female relatives when they complain they can't use their map app nav to go somewhere because they "won't have service on the way". I've delivered to plenty of places in the boonies with no service and my nav takes me straight there even when it says I have no signal or carrier. I don't need it to get back to civilization. Once I've gotten there, I can always find my way back.

 

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rage-a-holic

rage-a-holic 4307

Posted
Posted
16 minutes ago, Modessit said:

This is a good time to point out that you don't need cell service for your navigation to work on a trip. You just need it in the beginning when you set the route and start. The GPS will still track your position and show you moving along the preloaded route you set before you left. You're only fucked if you kill the app or let your battery die when you have no service.

 

 

 

Download your route in Google maps offline and that's not even an issue.

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Nivek

Nivek 16861

Posted
Posted

Had a tile break in a bathroom closet due to a bathtub overflow grommet failure and it damaged the subfloor. I replaced/rebuilt the subfloor. Told the wife I was going to lay the new tile and the wife suggested I do this project during the week. Less than an hour later the wife tells me I need to focus more and finish tasks and starts discussing getting new dresser for our bedroom, and having me build shelves for the garage. Oh and can I help her hang a picture, it will need anchors. I decide to help out and next thing I know I have 3 kids running around me while she leaves to call Gilt.


Earlier in the week I fixed a hole in the wall. I finished the tiles that day.

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2724

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The wife always gives me the stink-eye when I check my phone while driving. Fair enough, I shouldn't do it.
Guess who texted me four times in the first hour I was on the road driving from Austin to Houston.

I have the auto response on so she will call instead of texting. Still rarely works but it’s defensible on my part.
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AM Wood

AM Wood 335

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Modessit said:

This is a good time to point out that you don't need cell service for your navigation to work on a trip. You just need it in the beginning when you set the route and start. The GPS will still track your position and show you moving along the preloaded route you set before you left. You're only fucked if you kill the app or let your battery die when you have no service.

 

I've had to point this out to numerous female relatives when they complain they can't use their map app nav to go somewhere because they "won't have service on the way". I've delivered to plenty of places in the boonies with no service and my nav takes me straight there even when it says I have no signal or carrier. I don't need it to get back to civilization. Once I've gotten there, I can always find my way back.

 

Do you even make money when you deliver a pizza so far out?

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, Nivek said:

Had a tile break in a bathroom closet due to a bathtub overflow grommet failure and it damaged the subfloor. I replaced/rebuilt the subfloor. Told the wife I was going to lay the new tile and the wife suggested I do this project during the week. Less than an hour later the wife tells me I need to focus more and finish tasks and starts discussing getting new dresser for our bedroom, and having me build shelves for the garage. Oh and can I help her hang a picture, it will need anchors. I decide to help out and next thing I know I have 3 kids running around me while she leaves to call Gilt.


Earlier in the week I fixed a hole in the wall. I finished the tiles that day.
 

"Fuck off" is the only acceptable response.

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Nivek

Nivek 16861

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

"Fuck off" is the only acceptable response.

No.  I laugh.    Being around little kids has given me the opportunity to appreciate the absurd.    I laughed when she "corrected" me and the level to hang the picture slightly crooked.   

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Nivek said:

No.  I laugh.    Being around little kids has given me the opportunity to appreciate the absurd.    I laughed when she "corrected" me and the level to hang the picture slightly crooked.   

I disagree but you're the one banging her, so whatever works man.

 

And whenever I hang a picture I always ask if you want it square to the earth or square to the house. I always get the same look.

 

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Angry Gorilla

Angry Gorilla 1764

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

The wife always gives me the stink-eye when I check my phone while driving. Fair enough, I shouldn't do it.

Guess who texted me four times in the first hour I was on the road driving from Austin to Houston.

I always get annoyed when my wife texts me when she knows I am driving.

I say goodbye to her and leave to head to the airport 20 minutes away.  Right after I leave it starts pouring rain, and my phone starts blowing up.

 

"OMG, it's raining so hard now!!!!!!"
"The pool is about to overflow!!!!"
"Is traffic bad because of all the rain???"
"Are you going to be able to make your flight?"
"What parking lot are you going to use?"
"Are you going to go to that same bar in the terminal with the good nachos??"
"OMG it's still raining so hard!!!!" (3 minutes after original text)

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Angry Gorilla

Angry Gorilla 1764

Posted
Posted (edited)
18 hours ago, HornOnTheBayou said:

The wife always gives me the stink-eye when I check my phone while driving. Fair enough, I shouldn't do it.

Guess who texted me four times in the first hour I was on the road driving from Austin to Houston.

Double post

Edited by Angry Gorilla
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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

Posted
Posted
10 minutes ago, Modessit said:

Wife decides she has too many books she'll never read again. Takes 72 books to Half-Price Books and gets $5 for them. Buys $22 worth of stuff (no books).

Next week goes to half price books and buys one of the 72 virgins for $6 

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17391

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Angry Gorilla said:

I always get annoyed when my wife texts me when she knows I am driving.

I say goodbye to her and leave to head to the airport 20 minutes away.  Right after I leave it starts pouring rain, and my phone starts blowing up.

 

"OMG, it's raining so hard now!!!!!!"
"The pool is about to overflow!!!!"
"Is traffic bad because of all the rain???"
"Are you going to be able to make your flight?"
"What parking lot are you going to use?"
"Are you going to go to that same bar in the terminal with the good nachos??"
"OMG it's still raining so hard!!!!" (3 minutes after original text)

You need to share:

1 - Pics of wife

2 - Info on place with good nachos

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HaroldBS

HaroldBS 1

Posted
Posted
15 hours ago, Angry Gorilla said:

I always get annoyed when my wife texts me when she knows I am driving.

I say goodbye to her and leave to head to the airport 20 minutes away.  Right after I leave it starts pouring rain, and my phone starts blowing up.

 

"OMG, it's raining so hard now!!!!!!"
"The pool is about to overflow!!!!"
"Is traffic bad because of all the rain???"
"Are you going to be able to make your flight?"
"What parking lot are you going to use?"
"Are you going to go to that same bar in the terminal with the good nachos??"
"OMG it's still raining so hard!!!!" (3 minutes after original text)

"Why aren't you answering my text messages?"

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

Posted
Posted

Not my wife, but while picking my kid up from football practice I overheard this poor guy's wife begin to say "When I saw Yadi playing second base earlier this year, I knew..."  That's all I heard.  I looked over and when she stopped talking the husband told her that Yadi has never played second base.  Of course he was wrong and a know-it-all etc.

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

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Posted
48 minutes ago, You don't know me said:

Not my wife, but while picking my kid up from football practice I overheard this poor guy's wife begin to say "When I saw Yadi playing second base earlier this year, I knew..."  That's all I heard.  I looked over and when she stopped talking the husband told her that Yadi has never played second base.  Of course he was wrong and a know-it-all etc.

I would love to see the math on this one. Just a guess, he plays Center Field which is close to "the second base"

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lateshow

lateshow 1304

Posted
Posted
6 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

I would love to see the math on this one. Just a guess, he plays Center Field which is close to "the second base"

Assuming she's talking about Yadi Molina, and they didn't name their son Yadi for God's sake, he's a catcher and has only ever played catcher. For the St. Louis Cardinals. 

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

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Posted
35 minutes ago, lateshow said:

Assuming she's talking about Yadi Molina, and they didn't name their son Yadi for God's sake, he's a catcher and has only ever played catcher. For the St. Louis Cardinals. 

Yeah. I assumed they named their kid Yadi. Your interpretation makes more sense. The pitchers mound (1), home plate (2). IE, 2nd base.

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You don't know me

You don't know me 1161

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Posted
Assuming she's talking about Yadi Molina, and they didn't name their son Yadi for God's sake, he's a catcher and has only ever played catcher. For the St. Louis Cardinals. 
Yeah, I probably could have mentioned that she was talking about Molina. Could you imagine him playing second? I don't think that there is a slower player in baseball.
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Jameslaw121

Jameslaw121 4445

Posted
Posted
On 7/31/2018 at 10:14 PM, Modessit said:

This is a good time to point out that you don't need cell service for your navigation to work on a trip. You just need it in the beginning when you set the route and start. The GPS will still track your position and show you moving along the preloaded route you set before you left. You're only fucked if you kill the app or let your battery die when you have no service.

 

I've had to point this out to numerous female relatives when they complain they can't use their map app nav to go somewhere because they "won't have service on the way". I've delivered to plenty of places in the boonies with no service and my nav takes me straight there even when it says I have no signal or carrier. I don't need it to get back to civilization. Once I've gotten there, I can always find my way back.

 

I did not know that. I've had that happen many times with the cell service being out but GPS still working. I kinda wondered why. 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54004

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Posted
17 hours ago, You don't know me said:
18 hours ago, lateshow said:
Assuming she's talking about Yadi Molina, and they didn't name their son Yadi for God's sake, he's a catcher and has only ever played catcher. For the St. Louis Cardinals. 

Yeah, I probably could have mentioned that she was talking about Molina. Could you imagine him playing second? I don't think that there is a slower player in baseball.

Albert Pujols waves his private parts in your general direction.

https://baseballsavant.mlb.com/sprint_speed_leaderboard

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elfenix

elfenix 34172

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Posted
I did not know that. I've had that happen many times with the cell service being out but GPS still working. I kinda wondered why. 
All those military vehicles needing to rely on cell service for GPS would be a pretty glaring flaw, wouldn't you think?
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Sandman

Sandman 3402

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Posted

Took my wife to a local pizza place. The pie comes out, it's really cheesy. As I'm using the pie-server utensil to get my piece, huge strands of cheese are stretching out. Wife decides to grab those strings of cheese and try to break them, but all she does is yank my slice off the utensil and it goes splat, face down on my plate. Got toppings all on my side of the table. "I thought it would break easier.". I mean, really? I had to sit in front of the debris, looking like it was my first time to eat out or something. I hate making a mess at a restaurant.

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Sandman said:

Took my wife to a local pizza place. The pie comes out, it's really cheesy. As I'm using the pie-server utensil to get my piece, huge strands of cheese are stretching out. Wife decides to grab those strings of cheese and try to break them, but all she does is yank my slice off the utensil and it goes splat, face down on my plate. Got toppings all on my side of the table. "I thought it would break easier.". I mean, really? I had to sit in front of the debris, looking like it was my first time to eat out or something. I hate making a mess at a restaurant.

grabbed it how? This is on you, she likely pulled this stunt in the dating stage and you married her still.

 

who the hell breaks the cheesy strings of another persons slice? very selfish of her

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 104628

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Posted

Got in a mild fight with the wife tonight. She says “you’ll never guess who we ran into at the store - couple X [who don’t live anywhere near us].” Which prompts me to ask “weird - what store were you at?”

 

“Well, your daughter had just given blood - her iron count was 45!” Ok, I don’t know what that means? Is that good? “It’s crazy high! Mine is never above 40! So, after giving blood, we’re getting a burger. She wanted a burger.”

 

And then I make the mistake of saying “ok...I asked where you ran into them...and I still have no idea where you were.”

 

I got the cranky “well, it was a funny story, but nevermind.”

 

I still don’t know the rest of the story. I’m good with that.

 

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Flg8rfan

Flg8rfan 201

Posted
Posted

Ok, here we go. My wife has a ton of faults, working outside is not one of them.

Had a few oaks dropped in the yard. Screw paying to haul it off, I’m splitting wood for the horrible Florida winters(did this before with 11 trees).

My wife has her own chainsaw (bought it for her, she likes to use it, keeps my saws out of the dirt). Also has her own backpack blower and hedge trimmer. I won the lottery

She has this new thing about wanting to know how to use the yard equipment. How to mix oil and gas, how to add fuel stabilizer, how to replace, tighten chains, etc

So I showed her how to change chains, tighten them, stressed the importance of bar oil, all that shit.

Did I mention I had a few oaks taken down? She had her area, I had mine, wasn’t comfortable working close together. I’d stop, tighten and sharpen chain and keep going. At one point I asked her if she was minding the saw, yup. Looked good to me.

Fast forward to all the branches are burned, we’re splitting wood.

She’s been keeping her scwrench in her bra (no pics), and she’s been tightening the chain with the saw running.

Maybe I’m a puss, but I had to put a stop to it, I don’t want to be known as the guy married to Mrs stubby, Mrs McClaw, or just the guy with a wife in a wheelchair. Bitch argued with me, told her be safe or go inside and be done.

Tl;dr. Wife tightens chainsaw chains while running.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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