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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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elfenix

elfenix 34172

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Posted
5 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Cell service comes from towers, GPS comes from satellites (the S in GPS)

the S is system.  it's Global Positioning System.  it's a bunch of clocks in orbit broadcasting the time and their positions.  from that a receiver triangulates.  

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BamaSucks

BamaSucks 12

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On 7/30/2018 at 2:56 PM, Macanudo said:

Do it right and go to the grocery store too with a big giant list.  Then hit a bar, drink a beer or three, go to the grocery store and speed shop for the list.   I guaran-damn-tee that I can do a grocery shop trip, with every item on the list purchased in half the time (or less) than 99% of women. 

My Sunday ritual is to go to the gym and then head to the grocery store. Locally we have Lowe's foods, some of which have a beer pub in them (they also have a smokehouse which sucks ass) but I can get a 16 oz. pour and drink while I grocery shop. Truly a win-win for both of us!

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miguelito

miguelito 11220

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9 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Got in a mild fight with the wife tonight. She says “you’ll never guess who we ran into at the store - couple X [who don’t live anywhere near us].” Which prompts me to ask “weird - what store were you at?”

 

“Well, your daughter had just given blood - her iron count was 45!” Ok, I don’t know what that means? Is that good? “It’s crazy high! Mine is never above 40! So, after giving blood, we’re getting a burger. She wanted a burger.”

 

And then I make the mistake of saying “ok...I asked where you ran into them...and I still have no idea where you were.”

 

I got the cranky “well, it was a funny story, but nevermind.”

 

I still don’t know the rest of the story. I’m good with that.

 

Me: (simple question)

Her: First the earth cooled, then dinosaurs ruled the earth, .... ... ...

Me: (ffffffuuuuuuuuuuck I don't care anymore)

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54004

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10 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Got in a mild fight with the wife tonight. She says “you’ll never guess who we ran into at the store - couple X [who don’t live anywhere near us].” Which prompts me to ask “weird - what store were you at?”

 

“Well, your daughter had just given blood - her iron count was 45!” Ok, I don’t know what that means? Is that good? “It’s crazy high! Mine is never above 40! So, after giving blood, we’re getting a burger. She wanted a burger.”

 

And then I make the mistake of saying “ok...I asked where you ran into them...and I still have no idea where you were.”

 

I got the cranky “well, it was a funny story, but nevermind.”

 

I still don’t know the rest of the story. I’m good with that.

 

Yet Urban Meyer expects everyone to believe that his wife never told him that his assistant coach was regularly beating his wife.

Urban should have gone with, "She probably told me, but I had probably tuned out by that point."  *THAT'S* believable.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4968

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On 8/1/2018 at 4:40 PM, Angry Gorilla said:

I always get annoyed when my wife texts me when she knows I am driving.

I say goodbye to her and leave to head to the airport 20 minutes away.  Right after I leave it starts pouring rain, and my phone starts blowing up.

 

"OMG, it's raining so hard now!!!!!!"
"The pool is about to overflow!!!!"
"Is traffic bad because of all the rain???"
"Are you going to be able to make your flight?"
"What parking lot are you going to use?"
"Are you going to go to that same bar in the terminal with the good nachos??"
"OMG it's still raining so hard!!!!" (3 minutes after original text)

At least you were in a car. It took way too long for me to get my wife to understand why I couldn't answer her texts while I was riding my motorcycle.

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Pig Bellmont

Pig Bellmont 8692

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On 8/3/2018 at 9:36 PM, Sandman said:

Took my wife to a local pizza place. The pie comes out, it's really cheesy. As I'm using the pie-server utensil to get my piece, huge strands of cheese are stretching out. Wife decides to grab those strings of cheese and try to break them, but all she does is yank my slice off the utensil and it goes splat, face down on my plate. Got toppings all on my side of the table. "I thought it would break easier.". I mean, really? I had to sit in front of the debris, looking like it was my first time to eat out or something. I hate making a mess at a restaurant.

Hates a mess at a restaurant? This person doesn’t have children. 

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After irth

After irth 1243

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Posted
On 8/4/2018 at 12:22 AM, Flg8rfan said:

Ok, here we go. My wife has a ton of faults, working outside is not one of them.

Had a few oaks dropped in the yard. Screw paying to haul it off, I’m splitting wood for the horrible Florida winters(did this before with 11 trees).

My wife has her own chainsaw (bought it for her, she likes to use it, keeps my saws out of the dirt). Also has her own backpack blower and hedge trimmer. I won the lottery

She has this new thing about wanting to know how to use the yard equipment. How to mix oil and gas, how to add fuel stabilizer, how to replace, tighten chains, etc

So I showed her how to change chains, tighten them, stressed the importance of bar oil, all that shit.

Did I mention I had a few oaks taken down? She had her area, I had mine, wasn’t comfortable working close together. I’d stop, tighten and sharpen chain and keep going. At one point I asked her if she was minding the saw, yup. Looked good to me.

Fast forward to all the branches are burned, we’re splitting wood.

She’s been keeping her scwrench in her bra (no pics), and she’s been tightening the chain with the saw running.

Maybe I’m a puss, but I had to put a stop to it, I don’t want to be known as the guy married to Mrs stubby, Mrs McClaw, or just the guy with a wife in a wheelchair. Bitch argued with me, told her be safe or go inside and be done.

Tl;dr. Wife tightens chainsaw chains while running.


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Horrible Florida winters, huh?  Cuz when I think of blistery cold endless winters, I think...Florida. 

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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28713

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30 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Jesus.   Shallots are expensive enough comparatively.  What’s the knock on freeze/air dried shallots 

Fresh shallots are best and always available. I don't even know what my grocer charges. I buy two bulbs/cloves at a time and the price is negligible.

i happen to have an old Penzy's catalog from 2015 lying around and the price for freeze dried shallots is more than $16 per oz. It's probably more now. Penzy's has good quality poducts but they're pretty pricey. I can't imagine wanting dried shallots over fresh for any reason let alone paying a premium price for them. And hullabelew tells us they'll never get used anyway.  

This photo is particularly egregious. The spice mixes at Penzy's are also nothing special. I received a gift set of Penzy's spices for Xmas one time. The spices I could use. The spice mixes I tried and ultimately discarded. (I kept the jars, though. Those are quality packaging that I use to hold ground dried peppers. I use a large jar from Penzy's to store my bacon grease.)

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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7 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Fresh shallots are best and always available. I don't even know what my grocer charges. I buy two bulbs/cloves at a time and the price is negligible.

i happen to have an old Penzy's catalog from 2015 lying around and the price for freeze dried shallots is more than $16 per oz. It's probably more now. Penzy's has good quality poducts but they're pretty pricey. I can't imagine wanting dried shallots over fresh for any reason let alone paying a premium price for them. And hullabelew tells us they'll never get used anyway.  

This photo is particularly egregious. The spice mixes at Penzy's are also nothing special. I received a gift set of Penzy's spices for Xmas one time. The spices I could use. The spice mixes I tried and ultimately discarded. (I kept the jars, though. Those are quality packaging that I use to hold ground dried peppers. I use a large jar from Penzy's to store my bacon grease.)

My point exactly.  Like I said, they’re not the cheapest in the veggie aisle (not that I care, I buy them all the time but the wife won’t buy them, because they’re too expensive...comes home with a bunch of shit we don’t finish and sometimes don’t open...) but paying 7x the price for them is laughable, and there’s no way they’re good freeze-dried.  

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Knoxtnhorn

Knoxtnhorn 5936

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Posted

My wife is generally really good with money ... as long as cost-benefit is not involved.  

This afternoon, we had to drive to Plano for something.  Lakeview Pkwy onto PGBT (tollway) to the exit would take about 10 mins each way.  She doesn't want to pay the $1.79 toll each way, so we took some ridiculous roundabout which kept off of PGBT for about 1/2 the trip each way.

SOOOO, our 20 min round trip took over an hour AND we still paid at least some of the toll.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

My wife is generally really good with money ... as long as cost-benefit is not involved.  

This afternoon, we had to drive to Plano for something.  Lakeview Pkwy onto PGBT (tollway) to the exit would take about 10 mins each way.  She doesn't want to pay the $1.79 toll each way, so we took some ridiculous roundabout which kept off of PGBT for about 1/2 the trip each way.

SOOOO, our 20 min round trip took over an hour AND we still paid at least some of the toll.

Would love to see the mileage on that excursion.   (*Tone of course) 

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GroovusHorn

GroovusHorn 16

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This never fails to amaze me. My wife knows I'm not a morning talker. I need time to wake up, drink coffee and read the paper. When she gets up early for whatever stupid reason, it's as if I've asked her to keep talking to me even when I don't reply or give her the tone. You'd think after years of marriage, that they would learn their partners habits.

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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Posted
1 hour ago, Irwin F Fletcher said:

Who thinks shallots are expensive? Are you buying them in bulk 10 lb bags? I don't think I've ever paid more than .20 cents for a larger sized shallot.

My wife.  She sees the $2.00+/ lb and thinks that's too much.  We only need fucking 2 of them.  

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15325

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36 minutes ago, GroovusHorn said:

This never fails to amaze me. My wife knows I'm not a morning talker. I need time to wake up, drink coffee and read the paper. When she gets up early for whatever stupid reason, it's as if I've asked her to keep talking to me even when I don't reply or give her the tone. You'd think after years of marriage, that they would learn their partners habits.

You need a cardboard cutout complete with the glued paint stick of this expression and show it when she talks...

 

230114_908223010.jpg

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Js1

Js1 85113

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Posted
46 minutes ago, GroovusHorn said:

This never fails to amaze me. My wife knows I'm not a morning talker. I need time to wake up, drink coffee and read the paper. When she gets up early for whatever stupid reason, it's as if I've asked her to keep talking to me even when I don't reply or give her the tone. You'd think after years of marriage, that they would learn their partners habits.

I think this a woman thing in general.  Who are the first people to seek out and chat with EVERYONE at the office at 8am?

The women. Always the women.

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52-80

52-80 19096

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Posted

My wife gets tricked into buying all these premium dog food and treats that literally cost more than what it costs to feed humans.  I'm talking about salmon jerky that costs 30$/lb or whatever.  

"Look at the price, I'll buy the made-for-human version and feed [our dog] that"

"No but this one is engineered for dogs!"

 

Or when the "premium" kibbles is 10$/lb and its 40% protein , 35% of which is probably fucking scrap pork feet and intestines.

"Why don't we get just actual beef chuck and chicken breasts and feed her that"

"But it's not nutritionally balanced and lacking vitamins"

 

Yo... i can toss some fucking carrots, peas, and a Centrum Silver in the doggie bowl if you want......and it'll taste 100x better to the dog

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Cheeseweasel

Cheeseweasel 26437

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17 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

My wife gets tricked into buying all these premium dog food and treats that literally cost more than what it costs to feed humans.  I'm talking about salmon jerky that costs 30$/lb or whatever.  

"Look at the price, I'll buy the made-for-human version and feed [our dog] that"

"No but this one is engineered for dogs!"

 

Or when the "premium" kibbles is 10$/lb and its 40% protein , 35% of which is probably fucking scrap pork feet and intestines.

"Why don't we get just actual beef chuck and chicken breasts and feed her that"

"But it's not nutritionally balanced and lacking vitamins"

 

Yo... i can toss some fucking carrots, peas, and a Centrum Silver in the doggie bowl if you want......and it'll taste 100x better to the dog

My dog would eat a shit sandwich. Don't give me that bullshit about "engineered for dogs".

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Macanudo

Macanudo 12928

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Posted
34 minutes ago, Js1 said:

I think this a woman thing in general.  Who are the first people to seek out and chat with EVERYONE at the office at 8am?

The women. Always the women.

There are at least 5 women on my floor who come in everyday talking on their cellphone to someone else.   One of them then proceeds to go sit in the break room for 15-20 minutes EVERY morning to continue talking.   After several months of this, I asked her who she was talking to every day.  Her mom.  

She then tells me that they talk every morning on her drive in (at least 45 minutes according to her), plus the 15 minutes after she gets to work and then she calls her mom again on the drive home.   She admitted that on the weekend she probably talks to her for another 2-3 hours a day.  WTF?    15+ hours a week talking to the same person on the phone?  And her mom lives here in Houston.   Like 10 minutes away from her.   They see each other all the time.   I about lost my shit when she told me that they go shopping pretty much once a weekend and spend 5-6 hours together and then when she drops her off at home, one of them calls the other.  And this woman has 2 kids (one in grade school, the other in middles school.)   She's married too.   It's not like she doesn't have a shit ton of other stuff to do as a mom/wife.    Her husband is either the biggest weenie in the world or he's just glad she's not talking to him.

I don't think I talk to any one person in my family for more than 2 hours the whole week unless we're on vacation or something.

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NotActuallyALonghorn

NotActuallyALonghorn 4968

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Posted
1 hour ago, GroovusHorn said:

This never fails to amaze me. My wife knows I'm not a morning talker. I need time to wake up, drink coffee and read the paper. When she gets up early for whatever stupid reason, it's as if I've asked her to keep talking to me even when I don't reply or give her the tone. You'd think after years of marriage, that they would learn their partners habits.

I'd rather her talk in the mornings instead of trying to talk about something right when we I go to bed on a work night when I have to wake up at 5 the next morning. Of course she gets to sleep in until the kid wakes up at 6:30 or 7 and always complains if the dog barking wakes her up earlier.

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Sandman

Sandman 3402

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Posted
1 hour ago, Macanudo said:

There are at least 5 women on my floor who come in everyday talking on their cellphone to someone else.   One of them then proceeds to go sit in the break room for 15-20 minutes EVERY morning to continue talking.   After several months of this, I asked her who she was talking to every day.  Her mom.  

She then tells me that they talk every morning on her drive in (at least 45 minutes according to her), plus the 15 minutes after she gets to work and then she calls her mom again on the drive home.   She admitted that on the weekend she probably talks to her for another 2-3 hours a day.  WTF?    15+ hours a week talking to the same person on the phone?  And her mom lives here in Houston.   Like 10 minutes away from her.   They see each other all the time.   I about lost my shit when she told me that they go shopping pretty much once a weekend and spend 5-6 hours together and then when she drops her off at home, one of them calls the other.  And this woman has 2 kids (one in grade school, the other in middles school.)   She's married too.   It's not like she doesn't have a shit ton of other stuff to do as a mom/wife.    Her husband is either the biggest weenie in the world or he's just glad she's not talking to him.

I don't think I talk to any one person in my family for more than 2 hours the whole week unless we're on vacation or something.

My wife is almost exactly like this. She calls her mom every day on her drive home, yes I'm glad it's not me. She goes to her house for sunday lunch every week. We live 1.1 miles away, so she sees her all the time.

I'm not complaining, though. We don't have little kids at home and I get extra free time to watch football or beat off do whatever.

 

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Sandman

Sandman 3402

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16 minutes ago, Fudge Nuggets said:

You live 1.1 miles from your MIL?  Poor bastard.

I can't complain, my MIL is great. Minds her own business, doesn't try to tell me how to run my household, keeps my wife busy. Also available if I need anyone to handle something at my house when we aren't home, like pick up the mail or meet a delivery guy. Win-win IMO.

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TrashMaster G

TrashMaster G 17391

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, Macanudo said:

There are at least 5 women on my floor who come in everyday talking on their cellphone to someone else.   One of them then proceeds to go sit in the break room for 15-20 minutes EVERY morning to continue talking.   After several months of this, I asked her who she was talking to every day.  Her mom.  

She then tells me that they talk every morning on her drive in (at least 45 minutes according to her), plus the 15 minutes after she gets to work and then she calls her mom again on the drive home.   She admitted that on the weekend she probably talks to her for another 2-3 hours a day.  WTF?    15+ hours a week talking to the same person on the phone?  And her mom lives here in Houston.   Like 10 minutes away from her.   They see each other all the time.   I about lost my shit when she told me that they go shopping pretty much once a weekend and spend 5-6 hours together and then when she drops her off at home, one of them calls the other.  And this woman has 2 kids (one in grade school, the other in middles school.)   She's married too.   It's not like she doesn't have a shit ton of other stuff to do as a mom/wife.    Her husband is either the biggest weenie in the world or he's just glad she's not talking to him.

I don't think I talk to any one person in my family for more than 2 hours the whole week unless we're on vacation or something.

That's a whole lotta hours that she's not talking to her husband.

Sounds like a smart/lucky dude to me.

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 104628

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Posted
1 hour ago, Sandman said:

My wife is almost exactly like this. She calls her mom every day on her drive home, yes I'm glad it's not me. She goes to her house for sunday lunch every week. We live 1.1 miles away, so she sees her all the time.

I'm not complaining, though. We don't have little kids at home and I get extra free time to watch football or beat off do whatever.

 

The ability of a woman to talk to her mother for lengths of time, without taking a breath, is amazing.  I remember once years ago, at my in-laws' house, my wife and her mother were discussing something, and it reminded me of a relevant fact/piece of info that I needed to share with them.  So, I told myself that as soon as there was a gap in their conversation, I would bring it up.

Eventually, I said to them "47 minutes."  They looked at me, puzzled.  I said "I've been waiting 47 minutes for there to be ANY pause in your conversation so I could tell you something.  That's incredible."  Then I told them whatever it was.

Holy fuck, how can you talk like that, and for that long?  About anything?  With ANYONE?

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El Diablo

El Diablo 4232

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Posted
On ‎8‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 3:54 PM, You don't know me said:
On ‎8‎/‎2‎/‎2018 at 2:34 PM, lateshow said:
Assuming she's talking about Yadi Molina, and they didn't name their son Yadi for God's sake, he's a catcher and has only ever played catcher. For the St. Louis Cardinals. 

Yeah, I probably could have mentioned that she was talking about Molina. Could you imagine him playing second? I don't think that there is a slower player in baseball.

Saw his brother hit for the cycle once, pretty hysterical. He's not real fast either.

Sorry for the non-sequitur.

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Nivek

Nivek 16861

Posted
Posted (edited)

When the first was born, I asked that the kid not get too many gifts, as I wanted them to appreciate the ones they had and not get overwhelmed.  Everyone thought I was an asshole about it except my in-laws.   I sort of gave up.    Wife decided to go through the kids' rooms and reshuffle/re-purpose the furniture and did an admirable job paring down the toys.   She left the overflow in the dining room with no additional plan.   So now the house is overrun by the toys which were previously kept in their room.     
 

Edited by Nivek
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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8799

Posted
Posted
You live 1.1 miles from your MIL?  Poor bastard.

I'd take it. An awesome, close mother in law is the key to life. Pretty sure after the the age of 30 I'd rather be closer to in laws and parents rather than opposite sides of the country or state. Fuck that noise

 

 

1.1 might be too close, but it makes for one close baby sitter if you need one. My MIL can be at our house in 45 min.

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