Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Pato del Muerto 52492]

4 hours ago, Cheeseweasel said:

It's called a poop knife, you savage.

Best to label the poop knife and toe knife. Or keep them in barbicide when stowed. 

[Jameslaw121 4448]

23 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I mean, I guess I should credit her for saving wear and tear on the barstools by preventing anyone from using them. But goddamn.  Every day I see this.  When there are both a coat closet and a coat rack within 15’.  

I don't know why your bitching. I bet mine has full laundry baskets on the stool.

[Kennythetiger 9380]

Then what does she put on the treadmill?  

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

Then what does she put on the treadmill?  

A Cessna 172.   As an aside, she was completely flabbergasted that HEB didn’t have half the shit she ordered curbside today.  Really?

Edited February 3, 2022 by Judge Roybeanbag

[Brothahorn 10087]

Since we moved into our house(5 years), wife has hit the side of the garage twice while pulling in, hit the wall while backing out 3 times and damn near went through the garage one time. Still trying to figure out how to keep the garage from moving while she is driving.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

4 minutes ago, Brothahorn said:

Since we moved into our house(5 years), wife has hit the side of the garage twice while pulling in, hit the wall while backing out 3 times and damn near went through the garage one time. Still trying to figure out how to keep the garage from moving while she is driving.

Jeezus man, I should count myself lucky.  

[Snake Diggity 4622]

She almost burned down our house last week cooking kale chips in our toaster oven.  Luckily I walked into the kitchen right as she opens it and 2 ft flames and kale embers started flying out.  She just stood there.  I unplugged the oven and doused it.  Then I look up and she has a towel like she was gonna suffocate a bunch of flying embers.  

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

I decided to take the high road and not comment on the fact that opening the cabinet doors below the sinks in our upstairs, interior-wall master bath, really doesn't accomplish much.  

[Jameslaw121 4448]

10 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I decided to take the high road and not comment on the fact that opening the cabinet doors below the sinks in our upstairs, interior-wall master bath, really doesn't accomplish much.  

I did not - and had the exact conversation last night.

[Kennythetiger 9380]

14 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

A Cessna 172.   As an aside, she was completely flabbergasted that HEB didn’t have half the shit she ordered curbside today.  Really?

🙂. That question was for Jameslaw. We have a $700 clothes storage unit in the extra room. Why it needs a movable rubber bottom, I may never know. 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

30 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I decided to take the high road and not comment on the fact that opening the cabinet doors below the sinks in our upstairs, interior-wall master bath, really doesn't accomplish much.  

Smart. Never fight a battle you can't win.

[Snake Diggity 4622]

38 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I decided to take the high road and not comment on the fact that opening the cabinet doors below the sinks in our upstairs, interior-wall master bath, really doesn't accomplish much.  

Yep.  The thoughts and the words can never be the same.  For example, when this happened:

1 hour ago, Snake Diggity said:

She almost burned down our house last week cooking kale chips in our toaster oven.  Luckily I walked into the kitchen right as she opens it and 2 ft flames and kale embers started flying out.  She just stood there.  I unplugged the oven and doused it.  Then I look up and she has a towel like she was gonna suffocate a bunch of flying embers.  

Words: “It’s ok sweetheart, I'm just glad you didn’t get burned and that I was able to put it out before it caught the rest of the house on fire.  I think we need a new toaster oven.  Why don’t you go shop for one while I clean these burn marks off the cabinets.”

Thoughts: “YOU STUPID, CARELESS BITCH!  Wtf were you thinking?!?!  You almost burned our fucking house down with me in it over some shit that tastes like ashen dishrag.  Fuck me!”

The pedestal the pussy is on in my world is very, very high.

[nnm 36385]

7 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

Yep.  The thoughts and the words can never be the same.  For example, when this happened:

Words: “It’s ok sweetheart, I'm just glad you didn’t get burned and that I was able to put it out before it caught the rest of the house on fire.  I think we need a new toaster oven.  Why don’t you go shop for one while I clean these burn marks off the cabinets.”

Thoughts: “YOU STUPID, CARELESS BITCH!  Wtf were you thinking?!?!  You almost burned our fucking house down with me in it over some shit that tastes like ashen dishrag.  Fuck me!”

The pedestal the pussy is on in my world is very, very high.

I like the causal flow from the penultimate sentence to the ultimate sentence.

[ztejas 43420]

46 minutes ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I decided to take the high road and not comment on the fact that opening the cabinet doors below the sinks in our upstairs, interior-wall master bath, really doesn't accomplish much.  

I'm renting from my mom right now (yeah, yeah, family property, fuck off) and the other night it got below freezing for about 6 hours (I think the low was 28). She concernedly texted me making sure I was dripping the faucets and had all the cabinet doors open.

"Yeah, you got it" (of course I didn't do shit)

Last night - absolute deep freeze coming in with sheets of rain. I'm outside freezing my dick off making sure the 2 outside faucets are dripping before I come inside. Cabinets inside open. All inside faucets dripping as well. 

Wouldn't you know it I guess she knew I was good for the entire operation. 

[ABSR 5311]

36 minutes ago, Snake Diggity said:

Yep.  The thoughts and the words can never be the same.  For example, when this happened:

Words: “It’s ok sweetheart, I'm just glad you didn’t get burned and that I was able to put it out before it caught the rest of the house on fire.  I think we need a new toaster oven.  Why don’t you go shop for one while I clean these burn marks off the cabinets.”

Thoughts: “YOU STUPID, CARELESS BITCH!  Wtf were you thinking?!?!  You almost burned our fucking house down with me in it over some shit that tastes like ashen dishrag.  Fuck me!”

The pedestal the pussy is on in my world is very, very high.

Tell me you're a man who likes 100% of his stuff without saying you like 100% of your stuff.

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

2 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

I did not - and had the exact conversation last night.

did you bust your shin on the cabinet door while brushing your teeth?  Because that is a thing.

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

I think we need a new toaster oven.

Don’t let your wife shop for a new toaster oven. 

[nnm 36385]

41 minutes ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Don’t let your wife shop for a new toaster oven. 

You alter my post to something nonsensical and nonfunny?  Whatever floats your boat. 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

Do we need to page the Toaster Lady?

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

36 minutes ago, nnm said:

You alter my post to something nonsensical and nonfunny?  Whatever floats your boat. 

Strange take. Inaccurate and untrue. It was just sound advice. 

[nnm 36385]

1 hour ago, WhatTheBuck said:

Strange take. Inaccurate and untrue. It was just sound advice. 

In fact, I did make a post about needing a new oven.  Your passive aggressive little sabotage slap looks even more odd when considered in that light.

 

[FloridaHorn 4754]

Today I get a phone call at work, from the wife. She is whispering and sounds a bit nervous...

Wife: Did you just get home?

Me: No, I'm at work.

Wife: The alarm chime just went off on the door, someone is in the house.

Me: Which door? (frantically pulling up my security cam footage)

Wife: I don't know, I'm hiding in my closet.

Me: I just checked every entrance, the cameras don't show anyone coming or going.

Wife: Oh, nevermind....it was my Roomba.

[nnm 36385]

3 minutes ago, FloridaHorn said:

Today I get a phone call at work, from the wife. She is whispering and sounds a bit nervous...

Wife: Did you just get home?

Me: No, I'm at work.

Wife: The alarm chime just went off on the door, someone is in the house.

Me: Which door? (frantically pulling up my security cam footage)

Wife: I don't know, I'm hiding in my closet.

Me: I just checked every entrance, the cameras don't show anyone coming or going.

Wife: Oh, nevermind....it was my Roomba.

I came home one day about 30 years ago to find Mrs. NNM perched on the kitchen counter in our apartment, in obvious fear.  I don't know how long she'd been there.

Me:  What's wrong?

Her:  There's a mouse!

Me:  Where?

Her:  I don't know!  You can hear it!

Me: 

Her: 

Something:  squeak, squeak!

Me:  

Her:

Something:  squeak, squeak!

I continued to listen and home in on the sound.  It didn't move.  It was coming from the counter! 

It was the thermos-type coffee pot carafe.  Over the course of the day, the pressure had changed in the carafe as the coffee had cooled, and the rubber gasket was burping air in, creating a small squeak.

Her:  tone

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

My wife likes to sing in the car. Mostly okay but many times she sings off key. Maybe half octave too high.
She had pushed my buttons the other day so I decided to rip on her a little.
Me: can you hear that you’re off key?
Mrs TTM: I took voice lessons when I was a kid. I know how to sing.
Me: I took karate when I was a kid. Doesn’t make me a ninja.
Mrs TTM: Tone with eye roll.
TTM Kids: Laughing from the back seat.

[AUS-97HORN 11758]

24 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife likes to sing in the car. Mostly okay but many times she sings off key. Maybe half octave too high.
She had pushed my buttons the other day so I decided to rip on her a little.
Me: can you hear that you’re off key?
Mrs TTM: I took voice lessons when I was a kid. I know how to sing.
Me: I took karate when I was a kid. Doesn’t make me a ninja.
Mrs TTM: Tone with eye roll.
TTM Kids: Laughing from the back seat.

you just decided that you didnt want sexy time for the next month and just said, fuck it, lets go for the jugular?

[FloridaHorn 4754]

44 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife likes to sing in the car. Mostly okay but many times she sings off key. Maybe half octave too high.
She had pushed my buttons the other day so I decided to rip on her a little.
Me: can you hear that you’re off key?
Mrs TTM: I took voice lessons when I was a kid. I know how to sing.
Me: I took karate when I was a kid. Doesn’t make me a ninja.
Mrs TTM: Tone with eye roll.
TTM Kids: Laughing from the back seat.

My wife sings like this, but in the shower. The next time she is on key, or hits a note, will be her first. At least she admits to being a terrible singer.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

you just decided that you didnt want sexy time for the next month and just said, fuck it, lets go for the jugular?

Eh, Aunt Flo had just arrived so I knew it would be a few days. Gotta knock ‘em off the pedestal sometimes.

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

2 hours ago, nnm said:

In fact, I did make a post about needing a new oven.  Your passive aggressive little sabotage slap looks even more odd when considered in that light.

 

I wasn’t talking about an oven. I have no idea what you were talking about with your previous oven post. Don’t know, don’t care. I was replying to your post about suggesting to your wife, I assume in jest, about having to buy, and quoting your own words, “a new toaster oven.”

I said don’t let your wife go shopping for toaster ovens. I’ll stand by that. Have you shopped for toaster ovens lately? I have.

Do you already have an air fryer? Do you want another one?

[NYTransplant 145]

Damn. Came here to make myself feel better about my marriage, and there's two sandy vaginas dragging their way through this thread.

[Longhornstampede 3182]

2 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

I wasn’t talking about an oven. I have no idea what you were talking about with your previous oven post. Don’t know, don’t care. I was replying to your post about suggesting to your wife, I assume in jest, about having to buy, and quoting your own words, “a new toaster oven.”

I said don’t let your wife go shopping for toaster ovens. I’ll stand by that. Have you shopped for toaster ovens lately? I have.

Do you already have an air fryer? Do you want another one?

So are the two of you going to fuck or what?

[Judge Roybeanbag 11819]

4 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

My wife likes to sing in the car. Mostly okay but many times she sings off key. Maybe half octave too high.
She had pushed my buttons the other day so I decided to rip on her a little.
Me: can you hear that you’re off key?
Mrs TTM: I took voice lessons when I was a kid. I know how to sing.
Me: I took karate when I was a kid. Doesn’t make me a ninja.
Mrs TTM: Tone with eye roll.
TTM Kids: Laughing from the back seat.

I have found that just interjecting “do do do looking at your backdoor” (yes I know that’s lyrically incorrect), tends to put a stop to the singing.  Especially when you get to the elephant part.  

[Ag with kids 581]

[Incredulity 11669]

6 hours ago, FloridaHorn said:

Today I get a phone call at work, from the wife. She is whispering and sounds a bit nervous...

Wife: Did you just get home?

Me: No, I'm at work.

Wife: The alarm chime just went off on the door, someone is in the house.

Me: Which door? (frantically pulling up my security cam footage)

Wife: I don't know, I'm hiding in my closet.

Me: I just checked every entrance, the cameras don't show anyone coming or going.

Wife: Oh, nevermind....it was my Roomba.

Your wife sounds extremely hot. Congratulations!

 

 Pics?

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

3 hours ago, Longhornstampede said:

So are the two of you going to fuck or what?

Not until he apologizes. 

[TrashMaster G 17554]

1 hour ago, Ag with kids said:

*a lot

[mulletpelini 5211]

On 2/2/2022 at 7:04 PM, Brothahorn said:

Since we moved into our house(5 years), wife has hit the side of the garage twice while pulling in, hit the wall while backing out 3 times and damn near went through the garage one time. Still trying to figure out how to keep the garage from moving while she is driving.

My ex did some great work on the drywall once by pushing the lawnmower into the wall with her fucking SUV that apparently couldn't stop fast enough in the gotdamn garage.  Left a perfect outline of the mower though, I've got a picture somewhere.

[TKthunder2 4991]

17 minutes ago, mulletpelini said:

My ex did some great work on the drywall once by pushing the lawnmower into the wall with her fucking SUV that apparently couldn't stop fast enough in the gotdamn garage.  Left a perfect outline of the mower though, I've got a picture somewhere.

I would have outlined the indent with black electrical tape to permanently embarrass the shit out of her and stake that out as the mowers permanent spot.

[Pato del Muerto 52492]

8 minutes ago, TKthunder2 said:

I would have outlined the indent with black electrical tape to permanently embarrass the shit out of her and stake that out as the mowers permanent spot.

5S the garage. Great idea. 

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

8 hours ago, Pato del Muerto said:

5S the garage. Great idea. 

[Kennythetiger 9380]

17 hours ago, nnm said:

I came home one day about 30 years ago to find Mrs. NNM perched on the kitchen counter in our apartment, in obvious fear.  I don't know how long she'd been there.

Me:  What's wrong?

Her:  There's a mouse!

Me:  Where?

Her:  I don't know!  You can hear it!

Me: 

Her: 

Something:  squeak, squeak!

Me:  

Her:

Something:  squeak, squeak!

I continued to listen and home in on the sound.  It didn't move.  It was coming from the counter! 

It was the thermos-type coffee pot carafe.  Over the course of the day, the pressure had changed in the carafe as the coffee had cooled, and the rubber gasket was burping air in, creating a small squeak.

Her:  tone

You’re a far better man than me. I would have left the house to “go get traps” from the hardware store (read:  go for a nice relaxing drive passing right by the hardware store), as an experiment to see how long she’d stay up on the counter. 

[morehornsepower 887]

On 2/1/2022 at 5:06 PM, Judge Roybeanbag said:

I mean, I guess I should credit her for saving wear and tear on the barstools by preventing anyone from using them. But goddamn.  Every day I see this.  When there are both a coat closet and a coat rack within 15’.  

This shit right here.  A million times this.  Every flat, raised, horizontal surface in the house is *not* a storage place for shit that has *actual* storage places elsewhere.  Barstools, chairs, coffee tables, end tables, beds...

Also, what's up, Judge?  Been a long time...

[blacklab 11928]

not my wife but someone else's at work:

Quote

has anyone accidentally ever changed their alteryx language to chinese...

i can't figure out how to change it back bc i don't read chinese

 

 

[Jameslaw121 4448]

Not my wife - But my neighbor (the wife) knocked on her door. This was before winter storms so it was about 65 degrees outside.

She locked her keys in her car. with her children inside. They were to young to know how to unlock the door. Husband was about 2 hours away with the spare key. I told her I would break the window. She said no.

Husband finally gets home. First words "Why didn't you break the fucking window?"

Edited February 4, 2022 by Jameslaw121

[Jameslaw121 4448]

49 minutes ago, blacklab said:

not my wife but someone else's at work:

 

 

My fat ass cat was sitting on top of our rumba and changed the language to I think Korean...

Edited February 4, 2022 by Jameslaw121

[Brothahorn 10087]

On 2/3/2022 at 2:56 PM, FloridaHorn said:

Today I get a phone call at work, from the wife. She is whispering and sounds a bit nervous...

Wife: Did you just get home?

Me: No, I'm at work.

Wife: The alarm chime just went off on the door, someone is in the house.

Me: Which door? (frantically pulling up my security cam footage)

Wife: I don't know, I'm hiding in my closet.

Me: I just checked every entrance, the cameras don't show anyone coming or going.

Wife: Oh, nevermind....it was my Roomba.

[tbone_ 14118]

Not my wife - But my neighbor (the wife) knocked on her door. This was before winter storms so it was about 65 degrees outside.
She locked her keys in her car. with her children inside. They were to young to know how to unlock the door. Husband was about 2 hours away with the spare key. I told her I would break the window. She said no.
Husband finally gets home. First words "Why didn't you break the fucking window?"

With kids inside I would have strongly considered breaking it anyway

[Jameslaw121 4448]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

With kids inside I would have strongly considered breaking it anyway

I thought about it, but i stayed outside with them and it was at night and only 65 or so degree's. And we could look inside and see that they were fine. I also called AAA and a couple of locksmiths, but it would have been about the same amount of time

[Doc Reeves 6434]

I’m watching some TV while cleaning up kid shit in the living room last night. Wife is with the 2, 4.5yo girls on our bed playing. 

I hear footsteps and my wife turns the corner with a pissed look on her face. My immediate thought is “Ugh, what have i done now….”

Me: “Is everything OK?”

Wife: “I’m fine. Don’t talk to me.”

Me: “You sure? You sound upset”

Wife: “YOUR daughter kicked me out of the fairy Forrest even though i was Queen and created the damn thing in the first place. It was MY fairy Forrest. I just can’t believe it, she obviously gets that from your side. I’m just not sure i can handle being in a house with 2 people who act so inconsiderate and just can’t sympathize with me after all the nice stuff I do and treat me like crap!”

Me (calling from where i stood): “Daughter, did you kick momma out of the Fairy Forrest?”

Daughter (who has no idea anything is wrong calls back): “Huh? No Dadda, I asked momma to get off the bed so i could make it nice for her because she is the best momma in the world and i love her and she is beautiful! Momma… where did you go??”

Me: “Defiantly my side.” 

Edited February 6, 2022 by Doc Reeves

[nnm 36385]

8 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

I’m watching some TV while cleaning up kid shit in the living room last night. Wife is with the 2, 4.5yo girls on our bed playing. 

I hear footsteps and my wife turns the corner with a pissed look on her face. My immediate thought is “Ugh, what have i done now….”

Me: “Is everything OK?”

Wife: “I’m fine. Don’t talk to me.”

Me: “You sure? You sound upset”

Wife: “YOUR daughter kicked me out of the fairy Forrest even though i was Queen and created the damn thing in the first place. It was MY fairy Forrest. I just can’t believe it, she obviously gets that from your side. I’m just not sure i can handle being in a house with 2 people who act so inconsiderate and just can’t sympathize with me after all the nice stuff I do and treat me like crap!”

Me (calling from where i stood): “Daughter, did you kick momma out of the Fairy Forrest?”

Daughter (who has no idea anything is wrong calls back): “Huh? No Dadda, I asked momma to get off the bed so i could make it nice for her because she is the best momma in the world and i love her and she is beautiful! Momma… where did you go??”

Me: “Defiantly my side.” 

Works even better with defiantly. Nice. 

[Pato del Muerto 52492]

14 minutes ago, Doc Reeves said:

I’m watching some TV while cleaning up kid shit in the living room last night. Wife is with the 2, 4.5yo girls on our bed playing. 

I hear footsteps and my wife turns the corner with a pissed look on her face. My immediate thought is “Ugh, what have i done now….”

Me: “Is everything OK?”

Wife: “I’m fine. Don’t talk to me.”

Me: “You sure? You sound upset”

Wife: “YOUR daughter kicked me out of the fairy Forrest even though i was Queen and created the damn thing in the first place. It was MY fairy Forrest. I just can’t believe it, she obviously gets that from your side. I’m just not sure i can handle being in a house with 2 people who act so inconsiderate and just can’t sympathize with me after all the nice stuff I do and treat me like crap!”

Me (calling from where i stood): “Daughter, did you kick momma out of the Fairy Forrest?”

Daughter (who has no idea anything is wrong calls back): “Huh? No Dadda, I asked momma to get off the bed so i could make it nice for her because she is the best momma in the world and i love her and she is beautiful! Momma… where did you go??”

Me: “Defiantly my side.”