Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

1 hour ago, Texaus said:

I do something like that every now and then just so I can get a blowjob later after she fucks it up. Totally worth the price of a roast.

3D chess, right there. Well done.

[TrashMaster G 17,391]

3 hours ago, CoTex said:

Cotex "This ribeye roast is going to be excellent.  It's in the oven broiling.  When the timer goes off, roll it over and broil it on the other side for 10.  Then switch over to bake at 450.  After 30 minutes take its temperature.  135-140 it comes out.  Set it in the lower oven and let it rest.  I'll be home after soccer practice and we'll have dinner together."

Mrs. Cotex "Got it."  "Should I move it to a lower rack?"

Cotex "No, when you switch to bake you'll want it on a top rack."

...

Cotex at soccer practice "run you slackers, we're never going to win anything this way, I've got steak waiting for me at home."

...

Cotex entering his garage with daughter "Wow, I can smell it all the way out here.  It smells awesome."

Cotex daughter "it smells good."

...

Mrs. Cotex "I forgot to turn off the broiler, but I think I saved it.  It's 165."  "My mom says we can make au jus so it won't be so dry."

Mrs. Cotex "it's like those burnt ends we like so much."

Just another day living the dream.

If you've been married more than a year, you have no excuse.  That's all on you, dude.

[luke duke 6,390]

You all can fuck right off.
my ribeye roasts are tip top when my instructions are followed.  Right between rare and medium rare.
when they get broiled for 50 minutes they fuckup.

I hate to break it to you, but pulling a prime rib at 135-140 does not result in a rare/medium rare piece of meat. If she had followed your instructions to the letter, you would have had a medium well piece of meat at best.

[Trey3216 15,325]

2 hours ago, Texaus said:

I do something like that every now and then just so I can get a blowjob later after she fucks it up. Totally worth the price of a roast.

Paying for the sexual favors short game.  Well played  

[Ojo Rojo 1,906]

We were out of town four days including the weekend.  My parents were coming to our city and asked if they could stay at our house while we were gone.  We said yes and left them a key in a hidden place.  Since we were going to be gone we also had a pet sitter who we also told about the key.  Wife informs pet sitter about my parents staying at the house.  I inform my parents of pet sitter.  My parents arrive to our house late at night after their event.  No key.  Wife failed to tell pet sitter to leave the key in the hiding spot for my parents.

Edited August 13, 2018 by Ojo Rojo

[AUS-97HORN 11,682]

dammit^^^^ that sounded like an awesome post that we all should have seen

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

Dammit, Trixie!!!!!

[Knoxtnhorn 5,936]

Holy shit.  Same thing here.  My wife, her sister, and mom are on a constant quest to find the next cool thing they're allergic to or can't eat.  My wife swears that 2 drops of anything acidic will send her to the ER per acid reflux.

Now my SIL is staying with us for a couple of months and she's on a constant, "That's bad for you" kick.  I shouldn't to eat anything grilled because of carcinogens; however, the 5 pieces of chocolate cake she had for dinner is cool.  

[Ojo Rojo 1,906]

19 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Holy shit.  Same thing here.  My wife, her sister, and mom are on a constant quest to find the next cool thing they're allergic to or can't eat.  My wife swears that 2 drops of anything acidic will send her to the ER per acid reflux.

Now my SIL is staying with us for a couple of months and she's on a constant, "That's bad for you" kick.  I shouldn't to eat anything grilled because of carcinogens; however, the 5 pieces of chocolate cake she had for dinner is cool.  

Shit, dude.  Sorry.  I replaced the post because it's a volatile topic and certain people (like my FIL) would get very hurt if they ever saw it.  The tl;dr version - my wife and her mother claim medical knowledge and do a bunch of stupid shit like cancer claims and veganism.

[Knoxtnhorn 5,936]

Lulz.  Sister-in-law's FB post yesterday approximately 30 mins after my post above.

Finished off the day with a 90 minute massage with hot stone therapy. Totally necessary after surviving 9 hours of work with one of the worst migraines I have had recently.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

Happy ending?

[HenryJames 65,890]

16 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

however, the 5 pieces of chocolate cake she had for dinner is cool.  

Pics? - VicMackey

[Knoxtnhorn 5,936]

God I hope so.  She's supposed to be looking for a house, but I've yet to see any proof that this is happening....  Oh, you meant for her.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

17 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Holy shit.  Same thing here.  My wife, her sister, and mom are on a constant quest to find the next cool thing they're allergic to or can't eat.  My wife swears that 2 drops of anything acidic will send her to the ER per acid reflux.

Now my SIL is staying with us for a couple of months and she's on a constant, "That's bad for you" kick.  I shouldn't to eat anything grilled because of carcinogens; however, the 5 pieces of chocolate cake she had for dinner is cool.  

is she the one in the see through spandex?

[52-80 19,096]

I can't stand it how she's soooo fucking conservative in her approach to paperwork.  for me - anything that mildly important i scan, digitize, upload, done.  

for her:

* anything that is to be signed MUST be signed in BLUE ink ONLY.  absolutely nothing else will do.  (note shes not in law or civil service or any similar capacity)

* all documents are absolutely sacred and must not be contaminated by filthy, mortal fingerprints.  

* everything we have must be stored, because they "must be kept by 10 years - it's the law!"  (what fucking law?  youre not a fucking lawyer)

-------

say, we pre-order a fucking toaster for pick-up at the local electronics store, and they mail us an invoice, and its come time to pick up the delivery... and she cant find that original invoice, she'll just fucking freak out.

uh.... we have the original order in email.  we have a scanned copy of the invoice.  we have a credit card statement of the purchase.  we have our name and phone number and blood sample and dna sequence, all of which they can use on their computer to look up the order..... but no.... "without the invoice, they will not give it to us!!!!"

 

[kmac30 416]

Also to those that are fortunate to get time away by offering to do something for her like fill up on gas... How long before I can start doing that? We're 2 years deep and she insists on going EVERYWHERE with me. Even when she was sick, she insisted she'd come to the store with me but just stay in the car because she doesn't feel like she could handle walking through the store. I ask what the point of that would be and I just get that look and a "but I want to be with you!"

This is fucked up. We know a couple like this and now they have 2 kids and do everything together. It’s so weird. Tell your wife no. Tell her it’s ok to do things alone. You’ll be right back.

[HenryJames 65,890]

On 8/13/2018 at 9:26 AM, CoTex said:

Cotex "This ribeye roast is going to be excellent.  It's in the oven broiling.  When the timer goes off, roll it over and broil it on the other side for 10.  Then switch over to bake at 450.  After 30 minutes take its temperature.  135-140 it comes out.  Set it in the lower oven and let it rest.  I'll be home after soccer practice and we'll have dinner together."

Mrs. Cotex "Got it."  "Should I move it to a lower rack?"

Cotex "No, when you switch to bake you'll want it on a top rack."

...

Cotex at soccer practice "run you slackers, we're never going to win anything this way, I've got steak waiting for me at home."

...

Cotex entering his garage with daughter "Wow, I can smell it all the way out here.  It smells awesome."

Cotex daughter "it smells good."

...

Mrs. Cotex "I forgot to turn off the broiler, but I think I saved it.  It's 165."  "My mom says we can make au jus so it won't be so dry."

Mrs. Cotex "it's like those burnt ends we like so much."

Just another day living the dream.

I was waiting for the French Dressing at the end.

[Amos Moses 795]

I know it's been said before, but I really enjoy reading this thread for two reasons:  (1) the lulz and (2) to realize how lucky I am not to deal with even a fraction of the bat shit craziness that gets described here.  Some of it may be done for theater, story telling, etc., but I get a sense that's there is more than a kernel of truth in all these whoppers.  

Carry on, you poor sacks of shit.  

[PvilleStang 2,849]

30 minutes ago, Amos Moses said:

I know it's been said before, but I really enjoy reading this thread for two reasons:  (1) the lulz and (2) to realize how lucky I am not to deal with even a fraction of the bat shit craziness that gets described here.  Some of it may be done for theater, story telling, etc., but I get a sense that's there is more than a kernel of truth in all these whoppers.  

Carry on, you poor sacks of shit.  

Negged.  And which poster in this thread is your husband?

[CoTex 1,160]

56 minutes ago, HenryJames said:

I was waiting for the French Dressing at the end.

Negged.  We eat nothing but Catalina at casa CoTex.

[Nuge 1,962]

Her: Ugh, my period is starting and I don't have any tampons. (Every month)

Me: Doesn't this happen on like a regular schedule?

Her: Tone

[AM Wood 335]

25 minutes ago, Nuge said:

Her: Ugh, my period is starting and I don't have any tampons. (Every month)

Me: Doesn't this happen on like a regular schedule?

Her: Tone

periodically.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

On 7/18/2018 at 8:28 PM, ernest_t_bass said:

Ordered pizza for supper.

W - I like it when they cut it in squares.  You get more pizza.

Wife is ordering 8 XL pizzas for a volleyball scrimmage.  Because she likes them in squares, she disregarded 1) the ease of keeping pizza count for all the kids and 2) the preferences of 24 other people...

she ordered them in squares because "That's what she likes" and, you guessed it.  "You get more pizza."

[Trey3216 15,325]

Since the wife had a gran mal seizure a few weeks back, I'm having to drive her to work for a while.  We walk out of the house and get in the car yesterday morning, are halfway down the street and,  "Dangit, I forgot to take my medicine this morning."  We pull back in.  She goes in and takes meds, we leave.  Get 3 miles from the house.   "I left my phone at the house."

 

Hitting head against steering wheel. 

Edited August 14, 2018 by Trey3216

[WhatTheBuck 28,713]

28 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

Hitting head against steering wheel. 

Yours or hers?

[52-80 19,096]

3 hours ago, Amos Moses said:

I know it's been said before, but I really enjoy reading this thread for two reasons:  (1) the lulz and (2) to realize how lucky I am not to deal with even a fraction of the bat shit craziness that gets described here.  Some of it may be done for theater, story telling, etc., but I get a sense that's there is more than a kernel of truth in all these whoppers.  

Carry on, you poor sacks of shit.  

 

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

8 hours ago, Amos Moses said:

I know it's been said before, but I really enjoy reading this thread for two reasons:  (1) the lulz and (2) to realize how lucky I am not to deal with even a fraction of the bat shit craziness that gets described here.  Some of it may be done for theater, story telling, etc., but I get a sense that's there is more than a kernel of truth in all these whoppers.  

Carry on, you poor sacks of shit.  

Long post for a one handed man. 

[Kennythetiger 9,335]

6 hours ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Wife is ordering 8 XL pizzas for a volleyball scrimmage.  Because she likes them in squares, she disregarded 1) the ease of keeping pizza count for all the kids and 2) the preferences of 24 other people...

she ordered them in squares because "That's what she likes" and, you guessed it.  "You get more pizza."

I don't blame her on the preferences thing.  If you ask 24 people what they want, you'll get 12 different answers and 12 "I don't care".  Screw that.  Order what you think will work and they'll either eat it or they won't.  

[Tyler Durden 132]

11 hours ago, kmac30 said:

This is fucked up. We know a couple like this and now they have 2 kids and do everything together. It’s so weird. Tell your wife no. Tell her it’s ok to do things alone. You’ll be right back.

He just needs to put her in a crate and be done with it.  

[Modessit 5,596]

Yesterday

Me: Hey, I'm at the store. Do you need anything?

Her: No

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Yes. I went to the store 2 days ago.

Today

Her: Hey, we're out of toilet paper.

[Beau Vine 54,003]

Wife doesn't like steak, so I never cook steak when it's just us.

But this weekend, we had a friend staying with us, so I grilled steak for me and him, and chicken for her.  

And then when I reached into the silverware drawer for steak knives... there were none.  I thought about what we had eaten previous nights... salmon, pasta, crockpot chicken, pizza... and, WTF, all six steak knives are in the dishwasher????

Her: Well, I used them to cut lemons or limes.

Me: And you think that means they need to go through the dishwasher?!?!?!

Her: TONE.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife doesn't like steak, so I never cook steak when it's just us.

But this weekend, we had a friend staying with us, so I grilled steak for me and him, and chicken for her.  

And then when I reached into the silverware drawer for steak knives... there were none.  I thought about what we had eaten previous nights... salmon, pasta, crockpot chicken, pizza... and, WTF, all six steak knives are in the dishwasher????

Her: Well, I used them to cut lemons or limes.

Me: And you think that means they need to go through the dishwasher?!?!?!

Her: TONE.

gonna have to side with her on this one. you need a safe space for your important knives and a public space for knives you dont care if they get tossed in the dishwasher and used to cut limes and lemons.

 

 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

Who says limes and lemons?  When they are used together, it's always lemons and limes.

[52-80 19,096]

7 hours ago, Modessit said:

Yesterday

Me: Hey, I'm at the store. Do you need anything?

Her: No

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Yes. I went to the store 2 days ago.

Today

Her: Hey, we're out of toilet paper.

Lucky bastard.  She insists on going to the store every single goddamn day because we cannot plan dinner ahead.

 

And by planning ahead I mean she can't agree on what I propose to eat, and obviously won't suggest anything herself.

 

And by going to the store I mean I drive her to the goddamn store because she refuses to exercise her driver's license.

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

3 hours ago, 52-80 said:

And by planning ahead I mean she can't agree on what I propose to eat, and obviously won't suggest anything herself.

H - "What do you want to eat?"

W - "I don't care.  I'll eat anything.  Just pick something"

H - "Pasta"

W - "No"

Repeat lines 3&4 at least 10 times

H - "YOU PICK SOMETHING THEN!"

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

14 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

I don't blame her on the preferences thing.  If you ask 24 people what they want, you'll get 12 different answers and 12 "I don't care".  Screw that.  Order what you think will work and they'll either eat it or they won't.  

Yup. And fuck all the "Lactose free, no gluten, free range pizza" people who end up not eating a single piece of that horseshit you made me order.

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

7 hours ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Who says limes and lemons?  When they are used together, it's always lemons and limes.

Cross post to Trivial Things. Niiiice.

[Al Czervik 1,228]

20 hours ago, Nuge said:

Her: Ugh, my period is starting and I don't have any tampons. (Every month)

Me: Doesn't this happen on like a regular schedule?

Her: Tone

The upside is that she isn't pregnant.  Be okay with it.

[G650 14,107]

9 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

gonna have to side with her on this one. you need a safe space for your important knives and a public space for knives you dont care if they get tossed in the dishwasher and used to cut limes and lemons.

 

 

1000%

 

My wife, as is normal, uses the most inappropriate knife possible for any given job. I regularly walk in the kitchen to see her cutting our sons PB&J with a chef's knife.

 

Needless to say the good knives are locked up.

[Knoxtnhorn 5,936]

11 hours ago, Modessit said:

Yesterday

Me: Hey, I'm at the store. Do you need anything?

Her: No

Me: Are you sure?

Her: Yes. I went to the store 2 days ago.

Today

Her: Hey, we're out of toilet paper.

The other day my wife and SIL went on their weekly 7 hour Aldi, Target, Tom Thumb, etc trip.

Wife:  do you need anything?

Me: only thing I need is a six pack.  That's it.

7 hours and about 15 bags later ... she forgot the beer.

[Trey3216 15,325]

42 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

The other day my wife and SIL went on their weekly 7 hour Aldi, Target, Tom Thumb, etc trip.

Wife:  do you need anything?

Me: only thing I need is a six pack.  That's it.

7 hours and about 15 bags later ... she forgot the beer.

You did go to the gas station and get your own while they were gone, right?  I mean, that gives you 12, and 6 she didn't see.  

[EE2B 1,561]

I was curious at who gets just a “6 pack”.

[TrashMaster G 17,391]

21 hours ago, Nuge said:

Her: Ugh, my period is starting and I don't have any tampons. (Every month)

Me: Doesn't this happen on like a regular schedule?

Her: Tone

Who cares about tone?  You're not getting any for the next few days anyway.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

Who says limes and lemons?  When they are used together, it's always lemons and limes.

Your mom does

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

My mom is a genteel Texan lady and would do no such thing.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

My mom is a genteel Texan lady and would do no such thing.

Typing it out I guess I wasnt thinking. Saying it out loud doesnt sound right.so apologies to those I harmed  

 

I'll try to do better next time

 

 

[PvilleStang 2,849]

Turning into a regular lemon party up in here...

[AM Wood 335]

4 hours ago, EE2B said:

I was curious at who gets just a “6 pack”.

girls and teenagers.

[blacklab 11,850]

Wife is in downtown Denver with a friend and they decide to rent a car and instead of getting it from somewhere in town they get it from the airport.

They take an Uber and after they get there her friend realizes she doesn't have her purse so they can't rent it. Not sure why my wife didn't rent it, I didn't ask. So they have to uber back downtown and then back to the airport. $120 in Uber to rent a car for $40 for two days. 

[Kennythetiger 9,335]

The car was probably cheaper at the airport than somewhere downtown.