Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Upgrayedd 5,814]

6 minutes ago, Gene Parmesan said:

You can't point all the spoons down or they'll start spooning and won't get cleaned.  You wife's or kid's dirty hands are touching all your plates/bowls as well.

 

[General Specific 3,262]

Apparently, unloading a dishwasher be like:

[Sam Lin 3,559]

7 hours ago, huge said:

That they likely prepared with the same hands?  Where do you eat that no one touches anything with their hands?

Do they put on gloves before handling your bowl and plate also?

[Modessit 5,603]

Fuck.  Do you work for a morning news show or something?

I deliver for Amazon and usually do the 3:30am routes. That's where the money is.

[luke duke 6,413]

Well her gypsy mother moved in last week then this happened.

You’re lucky she didn’t meld any coins to your tire.

[markstanco 12,577]

Wife: “the smoke detector is beeping! And it started beeping after I went to the store and could have bought 9v batteries”

“What an asshole of the smoke detector to do that at that time”

“Okay whatever”

[nnm 36,443]

9 hours ago, markstanco said:

Wife: “the smoke detector is beeping! And it started beeping after I went to the store and could have bought 9v batteries”

“What an asshole of the smoke detector to do that at that time”

“Okay whatever”

Smoke detectors are assholes. They never start beeping for more batteries at 10:00 am on a Saturday when you have all day to deal with it.  Nope, it’s always 2:00 am on a Tuesday when you have a huge meeting first thing in the morning. Or when you’re out of town and your wife can’t get to the device. 

[TrashMaster G 17,564]

6 hours ago, nnm said:

Smoke detectors are assholes. They never start beeping for more batteries at 10:00 am on a Saturday when you have all day to deal with it.  Nope, it’s always 2:00 am on a Tuesday when you have a huge meeting first thing in the morning. Or when you’re out of town and your wife can’t get to the device. 

Word.

[OrangEngr 1,035]

12 hours ago, nnm said:

Smoke detectors are assholes. They never start beeping for more batteries at 10:00 am on a Saturday when you have all day to deal with it.  Nope, it’s always 2:00 am on a Tuesday when you have a huge meeting first thing in the morning. Or when you’re out of town and your wife can’t get to the device. 

A truer post has never been made

[Pato del Muerto 52,526]

That’s why I disable all of them. 

[WhatTheBuck 28,788]

13 hours ago, nnm said:

Smoke detectors are assholes. They never start beeping for more batteries at 10:00 am on a Saturday when you have all day to deal with it.  Nope, it’s always 2:00 am on a Tuesday when you have a huge meeting first thing in the morning. Or when you’re out of town and your wife can’t get to the device. 

It’s funny because in my experience I’d say 3:00 AM but then I’m on Eastern Time. 

[Bevo&Pevo 5,207]

1 hour ago, Pato del Muerto said:

That’s why I disable all of them. 

keep on disabling them and user name will check out.

[MonkeyDoughnut 10,302]

13 hours ago, nnm said:

Smoke detectors are assholes. They never start beeping for more batteries at 10:00 am on a Saturday when you have all day to deal with it.  Nope, it’s always 2:00 am on a Tuesday when you have a huge meeting first thing in the morning. Or when you’re out of town and your wife can’t get to the device. 

Fun fact --  it's actually science / physics that causes the 2AM part. 2AM just happens to often be the time when the house is generally coolest, enough to cause the very low battery to finally signal that it's really low, similar to a cold car battery not putting out as much power as a warmer one.  As for it being a Tuesday instead of a Saturday... yeah it's likely just being an asshole.

[Pato del Muerto 52,526]

4 minutes ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

keep on disabling them and user name will check out.

My house has been on fire one time. And I smelled the smoke before any alarms went off. 

[Elvis 3,371]

Wife looking to book our vacations, and she’s complaining about flight prices. 
 

I said gas prices are high, it’s going to be expensive. 
 

She says, “we’re not DRIVING to Florida!”

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

12 hours ago, WhatTheBuck said:

It’s funny because in my experience I’d say 3:00 AM but then I’m on Eastern Time. 

Congress is going to fix it.

[WhatTheBuck 28,788]

2 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Congress is going to fix it.

Yeah, um, no. That won’t change anything. 

[PantsTent 2,002]

On 3/23/2022 at 6:36 AM, nnm said:

Smoke detectors are assholes. They never start beeping for more batteries at 10:00 am on a Saturday when you have all day to deal with it.  Nope, it’s always 2:00 am on a Tuesday when you have a huge meeting first thing in the morning. Or when you’re out of town and your wife can’t get to the device. 

Especially when they go out at 2am on night one of the February '21 snowpacalypse.  And you have no battery and no way to go buy one.  Oh, and it's that detector on a 20 ft ceiling and your cheap ass extension ladder which you keep outside along the side of the house because you never use it, is buried in snow.  Would only suck worse if the power stayed off for 2 days and then you lost water after that...

[Elvis 3,371]

13 minutes ago, PantsTent said:

Especially when they go out at 2am on night one of the February '21 snowpacalypse.  And you have no battery and no way to go buy one.  Oh, and it's that detector on a 20 ft ceiling and your cheap ass extension ladder which you keep outside along the side of the house because you never use it, is buried in snow.  Would only suck worse if the power stayed off for 2 days and then you lost water after that...

I probably would have shot it to death.

[nnm 36,443]

42 minutes ago, Cheeseweasel said:

Congress is going to fix it.

What is the funniest punchline ever, Alex?

Edited March 24, 2022 by nnm

[Mo Horn 8,849]

CSB alert...

Several years ago one of our detectors started beeping in the middle of the night. Of course Mrs Mo or the boys (HS at the time) didn't wake up. It was high on the wall in the LR so I had to go to the garage and lug the extension ladder through the house, set it up against the wall, and change the battery. Just left the ladder there and went back to bed.  I made all kinds of noise and noone in the house even moved. The next morning everyone got up and asked why the ladder was in the LR. 

[Jerry Callo 8,704]

1 minute ago, Mo Horn said:

CSB alert...

Several years ago one of our detectors started beeping in the middle of the night. Of course Mrs Mo or the boys (HS at the time) didn't wake up. It was high on the wall in the LR so I had to go to the garage and lug the extension ladder through the house, set it up against the wall, and change the battery. Just left the ladder there and went back to bed.  I made all kinds of noise and noone in the house even moved. The next morning everyone got up and asked why the ladder was in the LR. 

Yep.  No one hears it but me and the dog.  Dog freaks the hell out.  I'm running around the house with a long stick trying to push that little button in the middle of the smoke detectors.

[NorthLoop 14,215]

We have like 15 detectors that are all hard wired together so they all go off simultaneously. Also whenever one is beeping from a low battery, it takes a solid hour to figure out which one it is. 

[Elvis 3,371]

[Hpara759 1,780]

15 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

We have like 15 detectors 

 

[BHMCruiser 1,814]

20 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

We have like 15 detectors that are all hard wired together so they all go off simultaneously. Also whenever one is beeping from a low battery, it takes a solid hour to figure out which one it is. 

You stole my post. It sounds like a fucking air raid

[Guest]

27 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

Yep.  No one hears it but me and the dog.  Dog freaks the hell out.  I'm running around the house with a long stick trying to push that little button in the middle of the smoke detectors.

[burntorangebongos 10,747]

Your system doesn't work where the low battery one chirps by itself so you can find it? Mine go off at same time too but the low bat one chirps annoyingly until I can find it. 

Rambling chick story with no point:

The Thursday right before the snowpoclyse, my power went down for about 4 hours. I used a hurricane lamp with a new candle that smelled good. Only thing was that it threw a lot of smoke and eventually set the alarm off. My chihuahua flipped out and was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. I tried to catch him and take him out the back but he was too freaked out to stop running around. I was laughing, trying to get him outside, and trying to air the house at the same time. It was already shitty weather outside and when I finally held him, he was shivering from more than just fear. I threw the rest of the fucking candle from Wimberley away.

[NorthLoop 14,215]

4 minutes ago, burntorangebongos said:

Your system doesn't work where the low battery one chirps by itself so you can find it? Mine go off at same time too but the low bat one chirps annoyingly until I can find it. 

 

oh it's only one that's beeping - still takes a fucking hour to figure out which one it is. 

[nnm 36,443]

40 minutes ago, burntorangebongos said:

Your system doesn't work where the low battery one chirps by itself so you can find it? Mine go off at same time too but the low bat one chirps annoyingly until I can find it. 

Rambling chick story with no point:

The Thursday right before the snowpoclyse, my power went down for about 4 hours. I used a hurricane lamp with a new candle that smelled good. Only thing was that it threw a lot of smoke and eventually set the alarm off. My chihuahua flipped out and was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. I tried to catch him and take him out the back but he was too freaked out to stop running around. I was laughing, trying to get him outside, and trying to air the house at the same time. It was already shitty weather outside and when I finally held him, he was shivering from more than just fear. I threw the rest of the fucking candle from Wimberley away.

Uh oh. You triggered WhattheBuck and his candle fetish. Incoming. Take cover. 

[Da Fino 2,783]

On 2/10/2022 at 7:42 PM, mulletpelini said:

Well her gypsy mother moved in last week then this happened.

What is this?

[Biff Tannen 45,691]

On 3/24/2022 at 9:08 AM, NorthLoop said:

We have like 15 detectors that are all hard wired together so they all go off simultaneously. Also whenever one is beeping from a low battery, it takes a solid hour to figure out which one it is. 

Same.  It's a fucking nightmare when they all go off.  Dogs lose their shit.

[Guadaloopy 10,973]

On 3/24/2022 at 9:08 AM, NorthLoop said:

We have like 15 detectors that are all hard wired together so they all go off simultaneously. Also whenever one is beeping from a low battery, it takes a solid hour to figure out which one it is. 

I made the investment and replaced them all with Nest Protect monitors.  Now I get phone notifications for low batteries and I know exactly which one needs attention.  They also give a warning before sounding, so you can turn it off before it actually sounds if it’s just things getting a bit smoky in the kitchen.  

[Elvis 3,371]

46 minutes ago, Guadaloopy said:

I made the investment and replaced them all with Nest Protect monitors.  Now I get phone notifications for low batteries and I know exactly which one needs attention.  They also give a warning before sounding, so you can turn it off before it actually sounds if it’s just things getting a bit smoky in the kitchen.  

 

[mulletpelini 5,212]

On 3/24/2022 at 10:46 AM, Da Fino said:

What is this?

Asian artwork

[ztejas 43,477]

On 3/25/2022 at 2:57 PM, Elvis said:

 

This image is perfect on multiple levels. I love Surly. 

[Dutchrudder 11,141]

[Dutchrudder 11,141]

Wife gets home from running an errand, grabs a glass in front of the fridge...

Wife: How was baby while I was gone?

Me: oh she was

Ice maker: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ice cubes: *clink* *clank* 

Me: ... She was

Water dispenser: SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wife:. What? I couldn't hear you.

😐

[SuperSport 1,333]

17 hours ago, Dutchrudder said:

Wife gets home from running an errand, grabs a glass in front of the fridge...

Wife: How was baby while I was gone?

Me: oh she was

Ice maker: BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Ice cubes: *clink* *clank* 

Me: ... She was

Water dispenser: SHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wife:. What? I couldn't hear you.

😐

The rage I feel at this moment cannot be quantified.

Every. Fucking. Day.

[Sam Lin 3,559]

This came across FB, immediately made me think back on this thread.

[Dennis Taylor 18,830]

4 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

This came across FB, immediately made me think back on this thread.

[kmac30 416]

I have been avoiding this thread, but cannot any longer.

My in-laws gave us a check around xmas for $1500. Wife asked me to get cash for her because if it goes into our bank account, it’ll be used for other things. Also, she doesn’t want me to know how much she spends on her nails. (For the record, I don’t care what she spends on them). No problem.

So I go to bank and come home with cash in an envelope. 15 hundred dollar bills. She used a couple bills for something and the the envelope floated around the house for a week or so. One night as I was putting the dog (
There isn’t another shred of a bill anywhere. No sign of envelope. Later we’re standing in the yard trying to figure it out. She thinks they tore it up and it blew away. No way, wind wasn’t that hard. I get a paper towel and shred it, toss it around the yard. “See, not moving”. Other dog, 2yr old mix walks around and eats every single piece of paper towel I put down. A fucking vacuum.

Next day dog shits, I spray it down with the hose. Full of shredded money. I told her to write it off as a dumb mistake. No way. She’s got gloves on and is cleaning every shit from both dogs for the next week. It was only ever found in older dog. One day she’s going to tape the money back together and send it in as damaged currency. For now it’s in a pile in the laundry room, waiting to get lost or accidentally thrown away.

We have a conversation about never letting the dogs have free reign again while we’re gone. We have dog door and mud room set up specifically for them.

Fast forward to today. I’m running out with kids for school. She’s going walking with neighbor. “I’m leaving the dogs out, I won’t be gone very long,” she says. Sure? Ok. 8:30 I get a text with a pic asking what shit is on the floor. They are something of the kids that exploded and is stuck to our rug we got in Morocco a few years ago.

I really want to ask her when she’s going to learn. I feel like I know the answer.

tldr; dogs ate wife’s money, after she trusts them again they tore up shit and fucked up a rug.

The shit money saga is over.

Fed just deposited balance in my bank account.

Not sure if I ever posted the pic from the day at the bank. 2 bankers taped all the money together.

[Upgrayedd 5,814]

25 minutes ago, kmac30 said:

The shit money saga is over.

Fed just deposited balance in my bank account.

Not sure if I ever posted the pic from the day at the bank. 2 bankers taped all the money together.

Sorry hon.  Fed wouldn’t accept.  Bummer, I know.

[NorthLoop 14,215]

1 hour ago, kmac30 said:

The shit money saga is over.

Fed just deposited balance in my bank account.

Not sure if I ever posted the pic from the day at the bank. 2 bankers taped all the money together.

Did they know the whole story? 

[AUS-97HORN 11,809]

28 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

Did they know the whole story? 

 

there is an entire department at the Fed that is dedicated to recovering accidentally destroyed currency.

turns out a lot of currency gets destroyed.

 

Fire, water damage, Dogs/cats/rats eating it, are the most common submissions, but burying the currency is up on that list as well. turns out us paper money really doesnt do well in damp acidic soil.

that department will refund you fresh money as long as they can positively ID at least 50% of each individual bill

A longer NPR story on the free service provided by the Treasury

[ABSR 5,315]

18 hours ago, SuperSport said:

The rage I feel at this moment cannot be quantified.

Every. Fucking. Day.

I have found that the key to a successful marriage is not caring about shit.   Seriously.

If she talks to me as she is walking away, in another room, or does something so she or I can't hear each other during a conversation I just stop talking and assume it doesn't matter.

Unless the house is on fire and we need to flee, or something like that, then if it doesn't matter to her then it doesn't matter to me.   I walk away and enjoy the next moment of my life.

My normal setting is to care, but if I did then I would have multiple rage/anger moments directed at her per day...and if it is not important to her, then I am not going to make it important to me.

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

1 hour ago, NorthLoop said:

Did they know the whole story? 

They saw the ring on his finger and assumed the rest.

[kmac30 416]

Did they know the whole story? 

Absolutely not.

[TKthunder2 4,992]

12 hours ago, AUS-97HORN said:

 

there is an entire department at the Fed that is dedicated to recovering accidentally destroyed currency.

turns out a lot of currency gets destroyed.

 

Fire, water damage, Dogs/cats/rats eating it, are the most common submissions, but burying the currency is up on that list as well. turns out us paper money really doesnt do well in damp acidic soil.

that department will refund you fresh money as long as they can positively ID at least 50% of each individual bill

A longer NPR story on the free service provided by the Treasury

Banks require MORE than 50% typically, otherwise crackheads would be cutting bills in half and doubling their income each day.

As a former bank teller at UFCU on the drag, we’d get in this pissing match with people about mutilated currency every other month or so.  We required than 50% of the bill and had to be able to identify the full serial number.  The 7 bills in the photo all would have satisfied that requirement.

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

13 hours ago, TKthunder2 said:

otherwise crackheads would be cutting bills in half and doubling their income each day.