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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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Kwix

Kwix 2,190

Posted
Posted
4 hours ago, 52-80 said:

My wife is possibly the worst search engine user alive. 
 

if she wants a chair for her piano, instead of hitting all the common keywords like “piano stool” to maximize the results, she’d put shit like “purple felt covered chair constructed for sitting in front of piano”

I don't know... I've found avoiding the word stool in my Google searches has been a winning strategy. 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54,246

Posted
Posted

Neither of us intentionally hoarded TP -- she just did the thing where she didn't cross stuff off the grocery list or start a new list after she went to the store.  So she bought a 24-pack of TP, and then a couple of days later, I grabbed the list and took it to the store and bought everything on it.  It's a regular occurrence in this household. 

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royiv

royiv 9,324

Posted
Posted
4 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Neither of us intentionally hoarded TP -- she just did the thing where she didn't cross stuff off the grocery list or start a new list after she went to the store.  So she bought a 24-pack of TP, and then a couple of days later, I grabbed the list and took it to the store and bought everything on it.  It's a regular occurrence in this household. 

If it's a regular occurrence in your household, that seems like a dumbass thing both of you do. I wouldn't put that one on your wife, chief.

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13,253

Posted
Posted (edited)
4 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Neither of us intentionally hoarded TP -- she just did the thing where she didn't cross stuff off the grocery list or start a new list after she went to the store.  So she bought a 24-pack of TP, and then a couple of days later, I grabbed the list and took it to the store and bought everything on it.  It's a regular occurrence in this household. 

https://youtu.be/UC3qRL0KGzo

Spoiler
Spoiler

You're the COVID hoarder 

 

 

Edited by Grade of D as in David
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SquishMitten

SquishMitten 10,408

Posted
Posted
On 10/29/2022 at 5:28 PM, 52-80 said:

wife's been with me for a while now yet still doesnt realize/understand that men will simply NOT accept having to make more than 1 trip to carry groceries into the house.  give me all the bags.  i said all of them.  fuck it, hook em on my elbows and shoulders, i aint returning to the car again.

Counterpoint, if you maintain a casual pace and only carry a few bags at a time, a well trained wife and children will have everything put away by the time you finish...which should always conclude with the paper towels or toilet paper that just get placed on the shelf by the garage fridge, leaving you in the ideal location to crack open a cold one. 

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SquishMitten

SquishMitten 10,408

Posted
Posted
On 11/17/2022 at 3:42 AM, 52-80 said:

My wife is possibly the worst search engine user alive. 
 

if she wants a chair for her piano, instead of hitting all the common keywords like “piano stool” to maximize the results, she’d put shit like “purple felt covered chair constructed for sitting in front of piano”

I just googled both under the shopping tab. Results were as follows:

"purple felt covered chair constructed for sitting in front of piano” - The fifth result was a purple felt covered piano stool.

"piano stool" - Near the middle of page 4 was the first result that sort of met the requirements

"purple piano stool" - the 12th result met the requirements

"purple felt piano stool" - 7th result

Sooo...who's the dumb dumb now? Other than me for taking the time to conduct this stupid experiment, of course.

 

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txhorns

txhorns 2,409

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, NorthLoop said:

During Covid my wife kept getting alerts from her FB mom groups or whatever whenever TP would be available on Amazon. 

 

We currently have a few cases of really shitty TP sitting in the garage. 

Most people flush the toilet paper after it gets shitty

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Party_Taco

Party_Taco 3,735

Posted
Posted

Had a fun one yesterday…

Taco: “I’m gonna hang the curtains while you’re out today”

Wife: “Ok, great - Just get them as close to the ceiling as possible.”

Taco: “That’s gonna be at least 6” below due to mounting bracket”

Wife: “Ugg, ok… just as close as you can”

Several hours later…

Taco: “Voila!”

Wife: “Why are the drapes so far off the floor?! The most important thing is that they’re JUST brushing the floor surface”

Taco: “…”

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18,830

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Pimphand said:

Not a wife but an ex accused me of giving her an STD and was going to sue me for damages until.....

 

 

 

Wait for it.....

 

 

 

 

I tested negative for the entire array of STDs. I've heard of women getting pregnant to keep someone around but this one it fucking stumped me.

I believe she had intercourse with someone else, acquired a sexually transmitted disease, then attempted to blame you for said disease. The flaw in her plan was that since you didn't also have the disease, she had to have acquired it by having sexual relations with someone other than you

Edited by Dennis Taylor
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9,389

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Dennis Taylor said:

I believe she had intercourse with someone else, acquired a sexually transmitted disease, then attempted to blame you for said disease. The flaw in her plan was that since you didn't also have the disease, she had to have acquired it by having sexual relations with someone other than you

This guy’s good. 

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rage-a-holic

rage-a-holic 4,402

Posted
Posted
6 hours ago, Pimphand said:

Not a wife but an ex accused me of giving her an STD and was going to sue me for damages until.....

 

 

 

Wait for it.....

 

 

 

 

I tested negative for the entire array of STDs. I've heard of women getting pregnant to keep someone around but this one it fucking stumped me.

Had the same thing happen, except the diseased clown was her fiance, who swore he was clean and that it must have been me.

She contacted me "just letting you know you have something before you give it to someone else". I told her I'd been in 2 long term relationships since her, neither girl had shit and whatever she had didn't come from me.

Last I heard she married the diseased clown anyway

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Pimphand

Pimphand 5,763

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Posted
1 minute ago, rage-a-holic said:

Had the same thing happen, except the diseased clown was her fiance, who swore he was clean and that it must have been me.

She contacted me "just letting you know you have something before you give it to someone else". I told her I'd been in 2 long term relationships since her, neither girl had shit and whatever she had didn't come from me.

Last I heard she married the diseased clown anyway

Yeah I mean I think the likely outcome is I just was fortunate enough not to catch it from her because she did have a whore-banger ex.  The thing that blew my mind was the jump to conclusion psychopathy that was demanding I pay for treatment without even doing any of the following

A) Asking me to test for an STD
B) Asking me to wear a condom
C) Telling me she could never get pregnant the time I did pull out
D) Asking me to compare test results and have a candid discussion

I do wish her well in finding a judge who will find me liable for transmitting something I myself don't have.

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rage-a-holic

rage-a-holic 4,402

Posted
Posted (edited)
5 minutes ago, Pimphand said:

Yeah I mean I think the likely outcome is I just was fortunate enough not to catch it from her because she did have a whore-banger ex.  The thing that blew my mind was the jump to conclusion psychopathy that was demanding I pay for treatment without even doing any of the following

A) Asking me to test for an STD
B) Asking me to wear a condom
C) Telling me she could never get pregnant the time I did pull out
D) Asking me to compare test results and have a candid discussion

I do wish her well in finding a judge who will find me liable for transmitting something I myself don't have.

Even if you have whatever STD she's claiming, she'd need to prove she didn't get it from some other sexual partner, which is gonna be hard for a bareback loving slut.

Edited by rage-a-holic
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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8,817

Posted
Posted
Not a wife but an ex accused me of giving her an STD and was going to sue me for damages until.....
 
 
 
Wait for it.....
 
 
 
 
I tested negative for the entire array of STDs. I've heard of women getting pregnant to keep someone around but this one it fucking stumped me.

This story hurts. I know, undefeated yaddy yada. Maybe next time just rub one instead of potentially going down that dark path, yea? I see zero upside and all downside.
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Pimphand

Pimphand 5,763

Posted
Posted
41 minutes ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


This story hurts. I know, undefeated yaddy yada. Maybe next time just rub one instead of potentially going down that dark path, yea? I see zero upside and all downside.

Ive masturbated enough to be blind as all living fuck. If it was a valid substitute then humanity would cease to exist...

Hence undefeated....

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13,253

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, Pimphand said:

Yeah I mean I think the likely outcome is I just was fortunate enough not to catch it from her because she did have a whore-banger ex.  The thing that blew my mind was the jump to conclusion psychopathy that was demanding I pay for treatment without even doing any of the following

A) Asking me to test for an STD
B) Asking me to wear a condom
C) Telling me she could never get pregnant the time I did pull out
D) Asking me to compare test results and have a candid discussion

I do wish her well in finding a judge who will find me liable for transmitting something I myself don't have.

What's wrong with banging whores?

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18,830

Posted
Posted

Her- "Texas is ranked #1 in college football "

Me-" No they aren't "

Her- "Yes they are it says it right here"

Me- " is that article from 2005?"

Her - "No"

Me-"Then it's not about football "

Her- " Oh its basketball, you know what I mean"

Me- "No, I know what you say but not always what you mean"

Her- tone

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45,691

Posted
Posted
On 10/14/2022 at 3:04 PM, blacklab said:

I’m on a conference call and my wife hands me this note. 
163E5806-64FC-4B05-9FDC-F6DB397E541B.thumb.jpeg.6839df89c7e6ef0247d903b21c03cf72.jpeg
 

now she does have a broken arm and wrote with her left hand, but for fucks sake if I have a broken hand and have to right with my left and it looks like that I’m breaking out my phone and texting. 
 

  Reveal hidden contents

It says

10/13     Reminder

Apt

dental

 

Cleveland 117, San Antonio 109

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deadshank

deadshank 24,653

Posted
Posted

As I am driving Mrs. Deadshank to Hobby so she can catch her extremely early bird flight to Vegas for the NFR

Mrs. Deadshank:  (looking at her boarding pass) My flight arrives in Las Vegas at 7:15 AM?  Is that right?  7:15 AM?  That's so early!!

Deadshank:  I guess the flight does arrive at 7:15 AM if that's what the boarding pass and ticket says.

Mrs. Deadshank:  Well, I know that!  Don't be stupid.

Deadshank:  Then why did you ask?

Mrs. Deadshank:  I just wanted to be sure and you don't have to be so mean to me.

Deadhank:  Enjoy Vegas.

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