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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Guadaloopy

Guadaloopy 11,018

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We have two Australian Shepherds, so keeping the wood floors in the house clean is a constant battle.  We have a robot vac which helps, but it only does so much.  We both contribute to keeping it clean by using the rechargeable vacuum as needed for a couple of minutes a day.  This plays out in two different scenarios.

Scenario 1:  I walk into the room and notice some little fur bunnies on the floor and in the corners of the room.  I grab the rechargeable vacuum from the utility room, empty the dustbin into the trash, and proceed to quickly vacuum up the stray dog hairs and blades of dead grass that the dogs track in.  I have to do this quickly because the rechargeable vacuum wasn't put back on the charger after the previous use and thus has a only couple of minutes of charge in the battery.  I then empty the dustbin into the trash and place the vacuum back on the charger in the utility room.

Scenario 2:  My wife walks into the room and loudly exclaims "OH MY GOD, these floors are DISGUSTING!"  She then proceeds to huff over to the utility room, grabs the rechargeable vacuum and then haphazardly runs it around the floor for 90 seconds.  She then takes the vacuum with a partially full dustbin into the utility room and "puts it away" by leaning it against the wall in the general vicinity of the charger.   

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McCroskey
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Guadaloopy

Guadaloopy 11,018

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26 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

List of items that never complete their intended full time/cycle.

  • dishwasher
  • washing machine
  • dryer
  • microwave
  • any recipe ever 
  • thawing of frozen foods
  • boiling of water

My wife never waits for the gas oven to finish preheating before putting food in to cook.  She has ruined countless cakes by doing this.  They come out burned on top and not fully cooked through.  She has a PhD, but somehow cannot grasp how the oven actually works.

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ABSR

ABSR 5,325

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5 minutes ago, Guadaloopy said:

We have two Australian Shepherds, so keeping the wood floors in the house clean is a constant battle.  We have a robot vac which helps, but it only does so much.  We both contribute to keeping it clean by using the rechargeable vacuum as needed for a couple of minutes a day.  This plays out in two different scenarios.

Scenario 1:  I walk into the room and notice some little fur bunnies on the floor and in the corners of the room.  I grab the rechargeable vacuum from the utility room, empty the dustbin into the trash, and proceed to quickly vacuum up the stray dog hairs and blades of dead grass that the dogs track in.  I have to do this quickly because the rechargeable vacuum wasn't put back on the charger after the previous use and thus has a only couple of minutes of charge in the battery.  I then empty the dustbin into the trash and place the vacuum back on the charger in the utility room.

Scenario 2:  My wife walks into the room and loudly exclaims "OH MY GOD, these floors are DISGUSTING!"  She then proceeds to huff over to the utility room, grabs the rechargeable vacuum and then haphazardly runs it around the floor for 90 seconds.  She then takes the vacuum with a partially full dustbin into the utility room and "puts it away" by leaning it against the wall in the general vicinity of the charger.   

I get it, but you have a wife who actually will touch a vacuum. 

Much like nature, Mrs. ABSR abhors a vacuum.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18,875

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15 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife spent $70 on 2 dozen cupcakes for my 4th graders class valentine party. I must not have realized how expensive eggs are. 

Did she make them or buy them? Because around here anyway there a multiple women who bake custom cookies, cakes, cupcakes etc that apparently selling to put their multiple kids and/or grandkids  through very expensive private schools. And God help you if some other mom outdid your wife's last effort.  And by effort I mean expenditures for overpriced, unnecessary bullshit 

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EE2B

EE2B 1,565

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11 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Did she make them or buy them? Because around here anyway there a multiple women who bake custom cookies, cakes, cupcakes etc that apparently selling to put their multiple kids and/or grandkids  through very expensive private schools. And God help you if some other mom outdid your wife's last effort.  And by effort I mean expenditures for overpriced, unnecessary bullshit 

She bought them at a local Bakery. 

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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,740

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29 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Did she make them or buy them? Because around here anyway there a multiple women who bake custom cookies, cakes, cupcakes etc that apparently selling to put their multiple kids and/or grandkids  through very expensive private schools. And God help you if some other mom outdid your wife's last effort.  And by effort I mean expenditures for overpriced, unnecessary bullshit 

Never been to Sprinkle's I see.  $70 for 24 would be a bargain there.  

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9,478

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33 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Did she make them or buy them? Because around here anyway there a multiple women who bake custom cookies, cakes, cupcakes etc that apparently selling to put their multiple kids and/or grandkids  through very expensive private schools. And God help you if some other mom outdid your wife's last effort.  And by effort I mean expenditures for overpriced, unnecessary bullshit 

@Celery Man ‘s wife does some really cool shit. 

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Celery Man

Celery Man 21,002

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that is where it gets into stupid shit/almost smart shit - every cookie holiday making the ridiculous decorated stuff but not turning it into a business. actually I'm a dumbass, she's never going to do that and I need to take the initiative to make her some business cards she can slip into each of those boxes with a link to her ridiculous painted cakes and cookies

Edited by Celery Man
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WhatTheBuck

WhatTheBuck 28,805

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55 minutes ago, Guadaloopy said:

My wife never waits for the gas oven to finish preheating before putting food in to cook.  She has ruined countless cakes by doing this.  They come out burned on top and not fully cooked through.  She has a PhD, but somehow cannot grasp how the oven actually works.

Hopefully her PhD isn’t in thermodynamics.

Even when the oven says it’s preheated, it’s probably not fully preheated. I use an oven thermometer on the middle rack in my gas oven and it’s usually about 5 minutes after the oven says it’s preheated before that thermometer indicates the desired temp. 

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2,981

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17 hours ago, EE2B said:

My wife spent $70 on 2 dozen cupcakes for my 4th graders class valentine party. I must not have realized how expensive eggs are. 

My wife texted me in a panic on Monday morning to get something for Valentines Day for our 23 yr old daughter (forget it, no pics) who is living in a new city, working a new (first) real job.  So, yes, I spent a total of $70 to have a dozen chocolate dipped oreo cookies delivered by 1800Flowers.  SMDH

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Celery Man

Celery Man 21,002

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my wife's family is very blue collar. her cousin gushes on facebook about being taken care of by her man, posting pics of him walking into the house on Valentines evening holding grocery store flowers still in the plastic. i am incredibly jealous of her husband and wonder who the fuck told my wife what a mikimoto even is

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Brothahorn

Brothahorn 10,087

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My wife texted me in a panic on Monday morning to get something for Valentines Day for our 23 yr old daughter (forget it, no pics) who is living in a new city, working a new (first) real job.  So, yes, I spent a total of $70 to have a dozen chocolate dipped oreo cookies delivered by 1800Flowers.  SMDH
Sheeeeeeit. Next time just cash app her $25, like I did with mine.
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NWBuck

NWBuck 8,587

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On 2/16/2023 at 9:57 AM, ABSR said:

I get it, but you have a wife who actually will touch a vacuum. 

Much like nature, Mrs. ABSR abhors a vacuum.

There's a "but she don't mind sucking" joke here, but I'm not going to make it.

Edited by NWBuck
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9,478

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17 hours ago, Brothahorn said:
On 2/16/2023 at 1:25 PM, CycleTex87 said:
My wife texted me in a panic on Monday morning to get something for Valentines Day for our 23 yr old daughter (forget it, no pics) who is living in a new city, working a new (first) real job.  So, yes, I spent a total of $70 to have a dozen chocolate dipped oreo cookies delivered by 1800Flowers.  SMDH

Sheeeeeeit. Next time just cash app her $25, like I did with mine.

You sent your daughter $25 for Valentines Day?  I’m not as big of an asshole as I thought I was. 

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ulukinatme

ulukinatme 1,765

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So my youngest got this thing as a gift recently.

hand.jpg

I told him earlier this week I'd put it together for him this weekend since he's too young. I tell everyone not to touch anything until I'm ready (As if this hasn't happened before). I get woken up early Saturday morning to my daughter frantically saying, "Come quick! Mommy needs help!" I throw a shirt on and find her in the garage with one of her fingers jammed inside this hunk of plastic:

hand2.jpg

Wife: "Help! I can't get it off!" I tried to pry it outward, but she says that just makes it hurt more, so I ended up cutting the end so it would loosen better. You can see the bit missing at the bottom. 

So, she thought she'd be helpful by pushing all the pieces out of the receptacle (There were multiple receptacles), except all those pieces were numbered individually. Some pieces are similar enough that the instructions aren't always clear which piece you need unless you're going strictly off the part number. You can figure it out in the end, but it would have gone faster if the pieces hadn't been removed. Once I freed her finger she decided to throw that junk plastic away, only for me to find that she forgot to knock out two tiny pieces so I spent a half hour looking around through the carpet thinking they rolled down there. I check the trash and sure enough, there they are still on the bracket.

So, once that was all taken care of I decided to get to work finally. After an hour or two I've got quite a bit done and carpal tunnel starts bugging me, so I decide to take a break for food. The mechanical pieces are all put together, I'm just getting ready to mess with the hydraulics. She's downstairs there watching TV where I'm working, so I tell her, "Don't touch anything, I'll be back in 30." "Okay."

I come back and something is definitely not right. Someone has attached the hoses already to the cylinders, and instead of 3 short hoses for the fingers and 1 long one for the thumb I'm seeing 5 short hoses. "What happened?! Who cut one of the hoses?" "Oh, your son was messing around over there, I don't know." Sure enough my 8 year old fesses up to it, she was sitting right beside him when it happened and didn't say a thing. I threw the damn box across the room.

I just ordered replacement tubing off their website. 

Edited by ulukinatme
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markstanco

markstanco 12,627

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The waht looks like "shadows" is indeed burned grass.  No biggie other than it was probably an accident.

Exactly. She lost her shit thinking no grass for years. It’s zoysia and the wet roots are fine.

But I did learn a thing or 2 today. Don’t turn your back on a small camp fire. And I turned it in to a learning experience for my kids. And they know since they helped put it out. The fire was basically out. But it wasn’t.
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