Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

14 hours ago, mooseoutfront said:

Actually the imported summertime talent is off the charts. 
 

Lots of 18 to 20 somethings come up here for seasonal work and an adventure. 
 

Being local has it’s advantages this time of year. 

[Ojo Rojo 1,965]

22 hours ago, Pig Bellmont said:

Narrator: she doesn’t have orgasms

 

22 hours ago, tbone_ said:

That does suck. Surely she wouldn’t mind you getting it somewhere else then, right?

I mean, you can’t get a dog and then not feed it just because you don’t feel like it or enjoy it.

Also, just to tweak you married guys, woke up to a text from the GF this morning that simply said “I’m sorry for being crabby last night.” I realize that if she ever becomes more than a GF I’ll never see anything like that again. But for now I just felt the need to gloat.

She did recently tell me that she would be okay if I sought sexual gratification elsewhere.  Me:

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

Oh yeah. That's a fucking trap. 

[Native Horn 3,504]

21 hours ago, Crapinon said:

I've learned if you just reply "what" enough times, they'll quit asking questions. 

WHAT ain't no country I ever heard of!

[tbone_ 14,128]

I usually just employed the no response tactic when hollered at from another room. She’d either give up or come into my room if it was important.

[SilasCoade 2,622]

3 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

She did recently tell me that she would be okay if I sought sexual gratification elsewhere.  Me:

Is she willing to put that in writing and sign before a notary?

[Ojo Rojo 1,965]

5 minutes ago, SilasCoade said:

Is she willing to put that in writing and sign before a notary?

Well, not to be telling tales out of school, but unless she has mastered faking involuntary contractions of her butthole, back-arching and shaking along with the post-O "don't touch me anywhere" reaction, then she ain't faking.

[SilasCoade 2,622]

12 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Well, not to be telling tales out of school, but unless she has mastered faking involuntary contractions of her butthole, back-arching and shaking along with the post-O "don't touch me anywhere" reaction, then she ain't faking.

I meant the part about seeking gratification elsewhere

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

13 minutes ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Well, not to be telling tales out of school, but unless she has mastered faking involuntary contractions of her butthole, back-arching and shaking along with the post-O "don't touch me anywhere" reaction, then she ain't faking.

[Sandman 3,403]

23 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

No shit. Mine just yells unintelligibly from across the house.

Mine will say something quietly or at a normal tone when she's far away, but she'll yell in my ear when I'm lying next to her in bed. There's no happy medium.

 

[Ojo Rojo 1,965]

40 minutes ago, SilasCoade said:

I meant the part about seeking gratification elsewhere

Would still be a trap.

[TrashMaster G 17,558]

2 hours ago, Native Horn said:

WHAT ain't no country I ever heard of!

[nnm 36,418]

2 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Well, not to be telling tales out of school, but unless she has mastered faking involuntary contractions of her butthole, back-arching and shaking along with the post-O "don't touch me anywhere" reaction, then she ain't faking.

 

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

8 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Well, not to be telling tales out of school, but unless she has mastered faking involuntary contractions of her butthole, back-arching and shaking along with the post-O "don't touch me anywhere" reaction, then she ain't faking.

Sounds like it's her pre-O reaction as well.

 

 

Sorry man that sucks.

[Superhero 8,830]

On 3/29/2023 at 12:58 PM, 52-80 said:

Baby is taking his first long-haul flight tomorrow, and wife is packing his stuff like he’s boarding Noah’s Ark: 2 toy cars, 2 books, 2 stuffed animals, 2 sippy cups, etc etc. 

It’s 1 overseas leg. We’re not taking a mission to Mars…do we need Redundancy for every item on the plane?

Probably don’t need the extra sippy cup… but for the sake of all your fellow travelers, being extra everything to entertain the kids.

[Superhero 8,830]

On 4/8/2023 at 5:21 AM, luke duke said:

Because no gay man has ever married a woman. 

Mike Pence has entered the conversation. 

[Superhero 8,830]

On 4/27/2023 at 8:43 AM, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife doesn't enjoy sex (she says).  She has orgasms, but says they don't feel good. She has major body image issues that go way back. She doesn't like the things that I like, sexually.  So I said to her last night, "You should do X with me so at least one of us can be happy.  You are going to be unhappy either way."  She said, "That's the same thing as a husband telling his wife they cannot afford a LV purse and the wife goes and buys it anyway and tells him that at least one of them is happy."  Not. The. Same. Thing.

Weren’t you and the wife into threesomes or swinging? Or was that someone else?

[Superhero 8,830]

On 4/23/2023 at 6:37 PM, Dutchrudder said:

She works from home, but she refuses to use a headset for meetings, so she can't go mute and get more water during meetings, which is pretty constant from 8-5 for her. This is why she wants bigger cups, so she doesn't have to refill it as much. Me on the other hand, I have a Bluetooth headset that works with both my personal and work phones, and I'm happy to do whatever mundane tasks around the house while listening to conference calls. Different strokes and all.

Lucky. I want my wife to want bigger cups. But alas she thinks her droopy post breastfeeding boobs are just fine.

[tbone_ 14,128]

Weren’t you and the wife into threesomes or swinging? Or was that someone else?

I’m guessing hating sex and threesomes/getting plowed by a hotel room full of dudes don’t go hand in hand much. But maybe that’s just me.

[Celery Man 20,965]

On 3/28/2023 at 3:34 PM, Celery Man said:

my wife in discussions about why we're missing 4 butter knives when she's the only one who takes butter knives out of the kitchen and the last time we talked about a butter knife discrepancy was when there were butter knives in the drawer that didn't even belong to us and she confessed that sometimes she puts silverware in her purse

[nnm 36,418]

Poop knife?

[rage-a-holic 4,402]

1 hour ago, nnm said:

Poop knife?

Toe knife

 

[Celery Man 20,965]

I asked and she did have at least a somewhat sane answer - she’s pregnant, has some pills for her nausea from last time, she’s cutting them in half to try and make it to her obgyn appointment on Wednesday.

my first thought was botched toe.

[SilasCoade 2,622]

2 hours ago, Celery Man said:

I asked and she did have at least a somewhat sane answer - she’s pregnant, has some pills for her nausea from last time, she’s cutting them in half to try and make it to her obgyn appointment on Wednesday.

my first thought was botched toe.

Please get the poor woman a pill cutter. They're like $7, do a much nicer and safer job, and don't get mistaken for a poop knife.

[ztejas 43,466]

Cutting pills with a steak knife is a great way to book an ER trip. 

[Celery Man 20,965]

Yeah good thinking - ordered.

I have a mortar and pestle but a cutter seems more appropriate here.

[gofuckyourself 8,333]

On 4/29/2023 at 2:41 AM, Superhero said:

Weren’t you and the wife into threesomes or swinging? Or was that someone else?

Maybe that's the solution to her bad orgasms. Alternate dicks.

[Brew 3,049]

On 4/23/2023 at 11:14 AM, Dutchrudder said:

Many years ago, I bought my wife and I 32 oz RTIC insulated cups for Christmas or something. It was a great idea, she loves icy drinks, tends to sip on them all day, and these things don't get condensation everywhere. She liked it so much, that she had me buy a second set to always have one available when they are in the wash. I of course buy the exact same cups, same tops, same straws, different colors so everything is interchangeable and simple. Things are good, shelf space required is minimal.

Fast forward 6 years and I just counted 11 different varieties of insulated cups, sizes, tops and straws. Most are not interchangeable. Some are the same brand and look nearly identical, but the tops between the 20 oz and 32 oz are slightly different sizes that don't actually work together. Some are just for water, some are for soda, some are for wine, and others are coffee only. We have so many of these things I don't know what to do with them, but I need to adjust the shelf height in the cup cabinet to fit the new 48 oz Stanley mugs she got from Target. I call these her "Trucker cups", because they are comically large, but we need this size so she doesn't have to fill her water cup as many times during the work day.

 

 

Just checked the cabinet here, we have 77 different Yeti’s, Tervis, Stanley’s, etc currently in the cabinet. I would bet there are easily another 10 or so floating around in cars, gym bags, etc. with the kids. I think maybe 2 of them are ones that were bought for me. My wife has a buying problem.

[Kennythetiger 9,389]

13 hours ago, Celery Man said:

I asked and she did have at least a somewhat sane answer - she’s pregnant, has some pills for her nausea from last time, she’s cutting them in half to try and make it to her obgyn appointment on Wednesday.

my first thought was botched toe.

Fuckin’ a. Congratulations, man. 

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

13 minutes ago, gofuckyourself said:

Maybe that's the solution to her bad orgasms. Alternate dicks.

And a great band name.

[Brew 3,049]

On 4/27/2023 at 12:55 PM, idigTexas said:

Have you offered her a LV purse if she does X with you? 

Make sure to get X before delivering the purse.

[BHMCruiser 1,814]

On 4/28/2023 at 2:22 PM, tbone_ said:

I usually just employed the no response tactic when hollered at from another room. She’d either give up or come into my room if it was important.

I double down and move farther away. So if I'm upstairs in another room and she starts yelling, I go downstairs. If I'm in the kitchen, I go into the garage. Eventually I'll just hang out in my kids' treehouse.

[Dutchrudder 11,140]

We hosted our kid's 2nd birthday party this weekend. Wife says pizza arrived and she needs to go get it. I'm several paces behind her, but I was going to help bring it in. 

Me: Do you need any help?

Wife: *something something* while walking away towards the door

Me: What?

Wife: *something something* continuing walking away not even turning her head to help me hear 

Me: WHAT?

Wife: *emphatically* FORGET IT!

Me: ...confused... Forget what?

[tbone_ 14,128]

I double down and move farther away. So if I'm upstairs in another room and she starts yelling, I go downstairs. If I'm in the kitchen, I go into the garage. Eventually I'll just hang out in my kids' treehouse.

I did this too. And eventually moved to a completely different house. Worked wonders.

[SquishMitten 10,408]

On 4/27/2023 at 4:54 PM, mooseoutfront said:

Actually the imported summertime talent is off the charts. 
 

Lots of 18 to 20 somethings come up here for seasonal work and an adventure. 
 

Being local has it’s advantages this time of year. 

And if that fails, there's always the moose out front.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,907]

I think moose prefer it in the rear

[Ojo Rojo 1,965]

On 4/29/2023 at 2:41 AM, Superhero said:

Weren’t you and the wife into threesomes or swinging? Or was that someone else?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

That was someone else. Unfortunately.

[gofuckyourself 8,333]

2 hours ago, BHMCruiser said:

I double down and move farther away. So if I'm upstairs in another room and she starts yelling, I go downstairs. If I'm in the kitchen, I go into the garage. Eventually I'll just hang out in my kids' treehouse.

[Budkudzu 280]

On 4/27/2023 at 11:43 AM, Ojo Rojo said:

My wife doesn't enjoy sex (she says).  She has orgasms, but says they don't feel good. She has major body image issues that go way back. She doesn't like the things that I like, sexually.  So I said to her last night, "You should do X with me so at least one of us can be happy.  You are going to be unhappy either way."  She said, "That's the same thing as a husband telling his wife they cannot afford a LV purse and the wife goes and buys it anyway and tells him that at least one of them is happy."  Not. The. Same. Thing.

The former Mrs. Kudzu told me she didn't care about sex after we'd been married for a few months.  It would have been nice had she told me, I don't know, before we got married.  

[TrashMaster G 17,558]

On 5/1/2023 at 8:07 AM, Brew said:

Just checked the cabinet here, we have 77 different Yeti’s, Tervis, Stanley’s, etc currently in the cabinet. I would bet there are easily another 10 or so floating around in cars, gym bags, etc. with the kids. I think maybe 2 of them are ones that were bought for me. My wife has a buying problem.

77 different Yeti's what?

[TrashMaster G 17,558]

1 hour ago, Budkudzu said:

The former Mrs. Kudzu told me she didn't care about sex after we'd been married for a few months.  It would have been nice had she told me, I don't know, before we got married.  

Did you tell her you actually expected sex to continue after the wedding, ya' bastard?

[deter 314]

 Have you seen my earrings?  Did you do something with them?

No. No.

Ten minutes later active search...... oh here they are..... on my ears.

 

[tbone_ 14,128]

Did you do something with my earrings?

That question has been asked of husbands by wives at least a billion times since earrings were invented. A billion times the answer has been no. No husband has ever touched a wife’s earrings in the history of human civilization. Yet the question still comes.

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

2 hours ago, deter said:

 Have you seen my earrings?  Did you do something with them?

No. No.

Ten minutes later active search...... oh here they are..... on my ears.

 

Ok that deserves a search for her pearl necklace 

[nnm 36,418]

4 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

77 different Yeti's what?

Yeti’s Tervis, you ignoramus. And the etc. belongs to Stanley. Sheesh. 

Edited May 3, 2023 by nnm

[Modessit 5,603]

Weren’t you and the wife into threesomes or swinging? Or was that someone else?

That was @LTbear whose wife liked to watch him fuck other chicks and joined in at times. Not sure if she still does.

[LTbear 4,170]

6 hours ago, Modessit said:

That was @LTbear whose wife liked to watch him fuck other chicks and joined in at times. Not sure if she still does.

She does indeed

[TrashMaster G 17,558]

1 hour ago, LTbear said:

She does indeed

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,732]

16 hours ago, deter said:

 Have you seen my earrings?  Did you do something with them?

No. No.

Ten minutes later active search...... oh here they are..... on my ears.

 

The bolded part perfectly encapsulates a woman's POV.  Even after nearly 14 years of being married this still grinds my gears.  

[huge 3,793]

10 hours ago, Modessit said:

That was @LTbear whose wife liked to watch him fuck other chicks and joined in at times. Not sure if she still does.

And maybe @Bill Brasky too but then it blew up?