Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[SquishMitten 10408]

15 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Did you do something with my earrings?

That question has been asked of husbands by wives at least a billion times since earrings were invented. A billion times the answer has been no. No husband has ever touched a wife’s earrings in the history of human civilization. Yet the question still comes.

I don't think I've ever been asked that question. Keys, on the other hand, is daily, even though I have my own set for her car because her key ring is fucking massive and can't be carried in one's pocket. It's frankly amazing she's even capable of loosing that monstrosity. 

[TrashMaster G 17557]

2 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

The bolded part perfectly encapsulates a woman's POV.  Even after nearly 14 years of being married this still grinds my gears.  

Every time she asks "Did you do something with my...?"  reply with, "No, but I did something with your sister."

She'll stop asking.

[Bill Brasky 1449]

7 hours ago, huge said:

And maybe @Bill Brasky too but then it blew up?

yeah we had some fun but it did blow up 

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

On 4/30/2023 at 9:21 PM, ztejas said:

Cutting pills with a steak knife is a great way to book an ER trip. 

Not to mention the risk that he unknowingly goes ahead and uses it as a poop knife since it is sitting their all conveniently and then she comes around and starts chopping away at pills with it.

[NWBuck 8567]

13 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

Every time she asks "Did you do something with my...?"  reply with, "No, but I did something with your sister."

She'll stop asking.

OK, but I'm not sure that she even knows T’Boo Ted Marshall, let alone his sister 

[harpercollins 394]

[Sam Lin 3559]

Doesn't say it's a wife, but...

[CycleTex87 2970]

It's stupid to have a 18" wall in the middle of your fairway, but that's beside the point.

[blacklab 11929]

Wife: "It's hot in here", turns on the ceiling fan, leaves the room.

It was not hot.

[Liteitup 138]

Hah, it's too quiet in here, turns on TV, leaves room.

 

It was not too quiet, turned TV off.

[CycleTex87 2970]

20 minutes ago, Liteitup said:

Hah, it's too quiet in here, turns on TV, leaves room.

 

It was not too quiet, turned TV off.

Astros weren't playing last night so we are sitting in a quiet room with no TV.  "I can't just sit here in the quiet", she leaves the room to binge watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" in the bedroom.  Worked out for me OK this time.  I can now put in my noise canceling earbuds, and listen to my iPad stuff without someone trying to talk to me about whatever the neighbors kids are up to.

[Cheeseweasel 26438]

6 minutes ago, CycleTex87 said:

she leaves the room to binge watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" in the bedroom

[nnm 36405]

 

[SHOOTER12 8810]

4 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife: "It's hot in here", turns on the ceiling fan, leaves the room.

It was not hot.

Polar opposite here:

Wife: it's too cold in here, turns up AC, goes outside. 

It was not cold.

[msucolt45 4060]

Sometimes my best beer drinking “respite” is changing the MFing cat boxes! Empties go in the bags and it takes a while! Married 31 years in two weeks!

Hook’em!!!

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

9 hours ago, blacklab said:

Wife: "It's hot in here", turns on the ceiling fan, leaves the room.

It was not hot.

My usual response is to tell her that Nelly had a solution for that. She is usually* not amused. 

 

*actually never

[SHOOTER12 8810]

52 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

My usual response is to tell her that Nelly had a solution for that. She is usually* not amused. 

 

*actually never

My senile ass needs an explanation here, thanks.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

Just Google "it's getting hot in here"

[shadow_operative2.0 15984]

I’ll make it easy. 

[NWBuck 8567]

5 hours ago, msucolt45 said:

Sometimes my best beer drinking “respite” is changing the MFing cat boxes! Empties go in the bags and it takes a while! Married 31 years in two weeks!

Hook’em!!!

'Cleaning the garage' works for me... Especially since I use the leaf blower to sweep out the floor (and therefore can't hear efforts to talk to me about some shit ass problem with the crocker spaniel across the cul de sac) 

[Buzzrock 14920]

This weekend, Buzz Jr is at bat and a pitch whistles two feet over the ump’s head and slams the backstop.

Mrs Buzz: “Good eye!”

[nbmishoid 949]

You married to Bob Euker . (sp, and RIP)

[CycleTex87 2970]

Bob Uecker =/= Dead

[KaiserSoze 998]

Must be in the front row!

[Dennis Taylor 18826]

15 hours ago, nbmishoid said:

You married to Bob Euker . (sp, and RIP)

He's looked 70 since he was 50 but he's still calling Brewer games at 89

[Anwar Namtut 344]

Damn - I could've sworn I'd crossed him off the list.

[Crapinon 2257]

Not dead! One of his better quotes: "A couple of grand-slammys and the Brewers are right back in it."

[Guest]

Yesterday, while I was walking through the house towards the door to the garage, with 3 rechargable lawncare batteries in my hands, Wife asks me, "Are you mowing?"

This immediately popped into my head:

 

[Upgrayedd 5812]

On 5/5/2023 at 9:28 PM, shadow_operative2.0 said:

I’ll make it easy. 

I like this version 

[956 Worldwide 34715]

Unintentional wife truth telling. 
 

Cleaning up after supper and she tells me to sort the trash differently than I’m doing as I throw shit away. I do not care in the slightest on this and respond in her native language with an idiomatic expression that basically means “anything you want, dear.” 
 

“Oh, that’s a really good expression, who taught you? I never use it!” 

[tbone_ 14123]

she tells me to sort the trash differently than I’m doing as I throw shit away.

[Modessit 5601]

she tells me to sort the trash differently than I’m doing

I taught my wife early that she can either watch or help me do it the way I want to do it, or she can do it herself. She doesn't get to tell me how to do it. Been fine ever since. If she's tempted, I just stop and ask if she wants to do it. Sometimes she does and I go do whatever I want elsewhere. Otherwise she goes away and leaves me alone.


Short version:

If I'm doing it, then I'll do it my way. Don't like it? Do it yourself.

[Armybrat 40847]

Same here, and it has worked for me since 1967.

[Modessit 5601]

Same here, and it has worked for me since 1967.

Yep. She even stops to think about it before asking my help with anything because she knows she's relinquishing control. Once I've agreed to help, it's now my thing, not hers. Saves me from a bunch of crap.

[nbmishoid 949]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Same here, and it has worked for me since 1967.

That was a good year. 

[Kennythetiger 9384]

3 hours ago, Modessit said:

3 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Same here, and it has worked for me since 1967.

Yep. She even stops to think about it before asking my help with anything because she knows she's relinquishing control. Once I've agreed to help, it's now my thing, not hers. Saves me from a bunch of crap.

I used to do this too, then I realized it’s still her thing, she just needs a little help. 

[Modessit 5601]

I used to do this too, then I realized it’s still her thing, she just needs a little help. 

Then she spends 2 hours redoing what took me 5 minutes.

[Fudbelty 2788]

Same here, and it has worked for me since 1967.

So what did you do the first 35 years of marriage?

[Armybrat 40847]

1 hour ago, Fudbelty said:

So what did you do the first 35 years of marriage?

Cheated on her with your grandma.

[Fudbelty 2788]

That’s my great grandmother, get it right.

[Vertuzzi 1369]

Making sure the dog has water in his bowl throughout the day is apparently a very difficult task for someone that works from home. Every day I come home and see a bone dry bowl, so I fill it up for him and he immediately chugs that shit. I ask nicely for her to check on his water bowl throughout the day and I get a death stare. Guess I’m the monster here. 

[TrashMaster G 17557]

5 minutes ago, Vertuzzi said:

Making sure the dog has water in his bowl throughout the day is apparently a very difficult task for someone that works from home. Every day I come home and see a bone dry bowl, so I fill it up for him and he immediately chugs that shit. I ask nicely for her to check on his water bowl throughout the day and I get a death stare. Guess I’m the monster here. 

She deserves a real dressing down over this one. It's worth the night on the couch.  The dog can keep you company.

[Grade of D as in David 13253]

48 minutes ago, Vertuzzi said:

Making sure the dog has water in his bowl throughout the day is apparently a very difficult task for someone that works from home. Every day I come home and see a bone dry bowl, so I fill it up for him and he immediately chugs that shit. I ask nicely for her to check on his water bowl throughout the day and I get a death stare. Guess I’m the monster here. 

No water for the dog, but I bet she has multiple glasses around the house at any given time filled with her various drinks.

[Vertuzzi 1369]

13 minutes ago, Grade of D as in David said:

No water for the dog, but I bet she has multiple glasses around the house at any given time filled with her various drinks.

Spot on. There seems to be a glass in each room with either a half of a green juice or a chia seed water. 

[Armybrat 40847]

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

She deserves a real dressing down over this one. It's worth the night on the couch.  The dog can keep you company.

 

[Kennythetiger 9384]

1 hour ago, Vertuzzi said:

Making sure the dog has water in his bowl throughout the day is apparently a very difficult task for someone that works from home. Every day I come home and see a bone dry bowl, so I fill it up for him and he immediately chugs that shit. I ask nicely for her to check on his water bowl throughout the day and I get a death stare. Guess I’m the monster here. 

He ain’t that thirsty or he’d drink out of the toilet. Pansy-ass dog. 

[Armybrat 40847]

51 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

He ain’t that thirsty or he’d drink out of the toilet. Pansy-ass dog. 

Vert’s wife probably insists all toilet lids be closed.

[Vertuzzi 1369]

1 hour ago, Armybrat said:

Vert’s wife probably insists all toilet lids be closed.

Definitely a toilet lids closed household but not because of my old lady. It has to do with my OCD for cleanliness and organization. 

[Armybrat 40847]

36 minutes ago, Vertuzzi said:

Definitely a toilet lids closed household but not because of my old lady. It has to do with my OCD for cleanliness and organization. 

If it works for you…👍

We leave our lids up because if I get up in the middle of the night to pee, I’d forget it was closed. 
Or if I had to #2, sitting my balls on a cold lid wouldn’t do the disposition any good.

[Kennythetiger 9384]

20 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

If it works for you…👍

We leave our lids up because if I get up in the middle of the night to pee, I’d forget it was closed. 
Or if I had to #2, sitting my balls on a cold lid wouldn’t do the disposition any good.

Or sitting ON your balls.