Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Nivek 16,982]

58 minutes ago, baboso said:

And you think you could outfight a chimpanzee...

Chimps are more predictable/rational.

Edited May 19, 2023 by Nivek

[DigglerontheHoof 21,218]

4 hours ago, Nivek said:

Chimps are more predictable/rational.

"How do you write women so well?"

"I think of a chimpanzee and I take away rational thought and predictability."

[52-80 19,232]

She found out I was on errand run this morning. 
 

“Can you get some stuff from the bakery?”

”Sure. Just msg me a list of the things you want”

”Hmmmm.  Get me anything. Really. Anything… except the apple strudel or cherry pie”

”You sure? Anything?”

“Yup”

 

So I brought home some of the portuguese pasteis egg custard. (no strudels or cherry pies).

“Hey, where are the pastries? These little things are not pastries. After [x] years, you should know what I like from the bakery”

[Party_Taco 3,763]

Comes into room while I’m reading on my phone and watching TV, 5 mins before a meeting…

“So, I’m thinking we need to rearrange this room so that we can fit more kid toys up here.”

“OK, I’ve got a meeting in a few mins so let’s talk about it this weekend.”

“I’m thinking we need to move the couch for it to work…”

“You mean the couch we spent weeks agonizing over before changing the orientation of the entire room and saying it was perfect?”

“Yes, but we need more play space, so the whole room needs to move again…”

“I have a meeting in 3 minutes… let’s figure it out this weekend”

“So this section of the couch needs to move over here, or we can put it somewhere else.”

“There’s no space anywhere else for a section of couch, and it would be odd on its own anyway”

“We could put it in the attic, or just get rid of it…”

“The couch that we spent a fortune on and waited 9 months to arrive? That one, you want to put in the attic?”

“I’m saying it’s an option… you’re impossible!”

*leaves for meeting

[GoPokes83 2,240]

Rambling story for ten minutes and she throws in a “long story short”. I say “too late” in my mind every time.

[956 Worldwide 34,747]

Does anyone else’s wife sit down at a restaurant and not look at the menu while waiting for the waiter, then not look at the menu between drink order and arrival, then not look at the menu when the waiter offers “a few more minutes,” then get mad because she’s being “rushed” when everyone finally orders and she still hasn’t looked at the menu? 

[Snake Diggity 4,627]

2 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Does anyone else’s wife sit down at a restaurant and not look at the menu while waiting for the waiter, then not look at the menu between drink order and arrival, then not look at the menu when the waiter offers “a few more minutes,” then get mad because she’s being “rushed” when everyone finally orders and she still hasn’t looked at the menu? 

*raises hand*
 

Cannot be ready to order when the waiter comes to take our order.  Ever.  Also cannot order anything without making at least one modification.  Which is fine when you’re at nice restaurant, but fucking maddening in a fast food drive-thru.  Be ready to order and order by number, for fucks sake.

[tbone_ 14,147]

23 years. Never once ordered with a change.

[nbmishoid 962]

My DIL is just the worst ever at this.  Not once has she ever ordered without multiple requested changes, in a this no that style that just drives everyone in hearing rage crazy.

[Armybrat 40,881]

2 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Does anyone else’s wife sit down at a restaurant and not look at the menu while waiting for the waiter, then not look at the menu between drink order and arrival, then not look at the menu when the waiter offers “a few more minutes,” then get mad because she’s being “rushed” when everyone finally orders and she still hasn’t looked at the menu? 

<raises hand>

[956 Worldwide 34,747]

Order changes at nice restaurants Piss me off, too. This is what they make. Find something on the menu you can eat. 
 

I have a pretty straightforward rule for changes.  Asking to leave something off a sandwich or salad or pizza is fine. Asking for some condiment to be swapped, like mustard for mayo is fine. Beyond that and you’re obnoxious. 

[shadow_operative2.0 16,020]

27 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

23 years. Never once ordered with a change.

Didn't she change marital status? 

[Armybrat 40,881]

5 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Order changes at nice restaurants Piss me off, too. This is what they make. Find something on the menu you can eat. 
 

I have a pretty straightforward rule for changes.  Asking to leave something off a sandwich or salad or pizza is fine. Asking for some condiment to be swapped, like mustard for mayo is fine. Beyond that and you’re obnoxious. 

In recent months I have developed an intolerance for tequila drinks at our weekly Happy Hour meetings. 
So when ordering Mexican Martinis or Ritas on the Rocks I’ll ask the server if they’ll substitute vodka for the tequila. 
Never a problem… the drinks are good (and strong), with no spit in them as far as I can tell.

[956 Worldwide 34,747]

14 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

In recent months I have developed an intolerance for tequila drinks at our weekly Happy Hour meetings. 
So when ordering Mexican Martinis or Ritas on the Rocks I’ll ask the server if they’ll substitute vodka for the tequila. 
Never a problem… the drinks are good (and strong), with no spit in them as far as I can tell.

Drinks are completely different than food, a bartender can/should be expected to mix you whatever you want mixed together and it’s not a PITA like menu changes. Might have to pay for it though. 

[Armybrat 40,881]

12 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Drinks are completely different than food, a bartender can/should be expected to mix you whatever you want mixed together and it’s not a PITA like menu changes. Might have to pay for it though. 

I tip well….25%-35%.

[tbone_ 14,147]

Didn't she change marital status? 

True

[Gil Bang 26,000]

We can take a 2 hour car ride, and when we arrive at the destination, it still takes 5 minutes for her to get her shit together to get out of the car. 

[Not that Bob 739]

3 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

We can take a 2 hour car ride, and when we arrive at the destination, it still takes 5 minutes for her to get her shit together to get out of the car. 

Only 5 minutes? You won the lotto man. 

[956 Worldwide 34,747]

12 hours ago, Snake Diggity said:

*raises hand*
 

Cannot be ready to order when the waiter comes to take our order.  Ever.  Also cannot order anything without making at least one modification.  Which is fine when you’re at nice restaurant, but fucking maddening in a fast food drive-thru.  Be ready to order and order by number, for fucks sake.

I ask cause this happened yesterday, spectacularly. She was not ready to order after three waiter drop-bys because talking. Finally we all order, she is last and just blurts something out, and then morosely picks at her food while we all eat. Waiter is clearing the plates:

”I’m hungry, I think I’ll order the pasta that daughter 1 had. I didn’t know my meal would be so small and cold.”

”Your order was literally listed under ‘cold appetizers’”.

”Well I was being rushed and didn’t notice.” 
 

We did not, in fact, sit and let her order and eat another dish in front of us since we had leftovers at home.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,739]

Does anyone else’s wife sit down at a restaurant and not look at the menu while waiting for the waiter, then not look at the menu between drink order and arrival, then not look at the menu when the waiter offers “a few more minutes,” then get mad because she’s being “rushed” when everyone finally orders and she still hasn’t looked at the menu? 

Mine is the complete opposite. Will ask for a menu while we are waiting to be seated.

[Brisketexan 105,278]

We can take a 2 hour car ride, and when we arrive at the destination, it still takes 5 minutes for her to get her shit together to get out of the car. 

This. Always this. Or…it could be a THREE MINUTE drive, and it takes her five minutes. Why did you take off your shoes? And how many things did you take out of your purse? And has it occurred to you how consistently rude it is to make other people just stand around and wait while you gather all that shit?
If, on my deathbed, God offered me back all the time I spent standing beside the car, waiting to lock it and go inside the store/restaurant/house we are visiting (because the car won’t let you lock the doors while her door is open), I would get 5 years added on to my life.

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,977]

20 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Order changes at nice restaurants Piss me off, too. This is what they make. Find something on the menu you can eat. 
 

I have a pretty straightforward rule for changes.  Asking to leave something off a sandwich or salad or pizza is fine. Asking for some condiment to be swapped, like mustard for mayo is fine. Beyond that and you’re obnoxious. 

What about asking for Charro Beans instead of refried?

[Dennis Taylor 18,854]

17 minutes ago, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

What about asking for Charro Beans instead of refried?

Doesn't she even "Double rice, no beans" bro?

[Grade of D as in David 13,253]

3 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Mine is the complete opposite. Will ask for a menu while we are waiting to be seated.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2,739]

Ha. No. Usually in those situations we are already hungry and adding to the wait makes her extra edgy.

[nbmishoid 962]

3 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

This. Always this. Or…it could be a THREE MINUTE drive, and it takes her five minutes. Why did you take off your shoes? And how many things did you take out of your purse? And has it occurred to you how consistently rude it is to make other people just stand around and wait while you gather all that shit?
If, on my deathbed, God offered me back all the time I spent standing beside the car, waiting to lock it and go inside the store/restaurant/house we are visiting (because the car won’t let you lock the doors while her door is open), I would get 5 years added on to my life.

But would you really want 5 more years of the other shit?

[ztejas 43,528]

@Brisketexan "I deserve all the time back I've spent waiting on her to get out of the car"

Monkey's paw curls 

Spends that time waiting on her to leave for the airport. 

[blacklab 11,943]

Thought of this thread last night at Mandola's. Make it to the front of the line and there's a family of 4 at one register and a couple at the other. Couple finishes ordering, we order, get cups, get cokes, get bread, eat a piece of bread and I look up and the family of 4 is still ordering, wife moving her arms all around obviously explaining something important.

[Snake Diggity 4,627]

3 hours ago, blacklab said:

Thought of this thread last night at Mandola's. Make it to the front of the line and there's a family of 4 at one register and a couple at the other. Couple finishes ordering, we order, get cups, get cokes, get bread, eat a piece of bread and I look up and the family of 4 is still ordering, wife moving her arms all around obviously explaining something important.

Next time you see me please come introduce yourself.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,817]

Heading to nieces bday party across town yesterday morning, flow day for wife.

Her: I’m out of heavy tampons(shocking as we’re leaving to bday party)

Me driving: want me to stop by gas station? *entering roundabout…straight leads us to interstate, left leads us to gas station*

Her: *crickets*

Me: *drives straight towards interstate*

Her 4 miles after getting on the interstate: I thought you were going to holiday?(gas station chain up here)

Me: you didn’t say anything

Tone

Get off at exit to birthday and drive her to a different gas station. They didn’t have the right tampons but she had to buy them anyways. My fault

I did make her shut up after I dropped the “it’s not my fault you’re 43 and don’t know if you had tampons or not” line. I knew then and there I wasn’t getting laid, wasn’t anyways, but man it felt good…

[Tylerocks 2,553]

So we each do our own laundry.

I'd say once a month, I'll open the washer, and get punched in the face with the stench of mildewy sheets or towels

[SHOOTER12 8,825]

1 hour ago, Tylerocks said:

So we each do our own laundry.

I'd say once a month, I'll open the washer, and get punched in the face with the stench of mildewy sheets or towels

Brother????

There's a story behind this that I will try to get to later.

[Snake Diggity 4,627]

I do all of our laundry.  Four motherfucking loads, every week, without end.  My wife does 95% of the dishes.  One morning she was whining about the dishes and acting like shit was unjust, and said “I just wish you’d fill the dishwasher one time”.  After she left (I work from home), I got a big ass load of clothes, and put them in the dishwasher to teach her a lesson.  Luckily I got them shits outta there before she got home.  I’m a coward but I have the sex.

[tbone_ 14,147]

My ex used to leave trash in my car after she’d driven it. I would just put it in her car. She never said anything.

[Dutchrudder 11,150]

Which one of y'all is this?

[tejas60 3,534]

On 5/17/2023 at 4:14 PM, Crapinon said:

 women are too damn particular about what they want in a purse.  

every woman I know has just about every fucking thing you can imagine in their purse.

[Sandman 3,412]

1 hour ago, tejas60 said:

every woman I know has just about every fucking thing you can imagine in their purse.

Except for that coupon/gift card/receipt/whatever that was the sole reason you went to whatever place you went.

"Crap! I left the *whatever* in my other purse!"

[chikin23 384]

The wife said “you should go buy a new tv for Father’s Day” and I’m not sure what to do.

[Cheeseweasel 26,438]

4 minutes ago, chikin23 said:

The wife said “you should go buy a new tv for Father’s Day” and I’m not sure what to do.

Is it your TV or the families? Did you get her a washing machine for Mother's Day?

[shakahorn 1,645]

1 hour ago, tejas60 said:

every woman I know has just about every fucking thing you can imagine in their purse.

Except anything useful, e.g., a blue or black ink ball point pen.

[tbone_ 14,147]

Blue only, ftw

[UpperWestside 6,186]

On 5/20/2023 at 1:03 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

Does anyone else’s wife sit down at a restaurant and not look at the menu while waiting for the waiter, then not look at the menu between drink order and arrival, then not look at the menu when the waiter offers “a few more minutes,” then get mad because she’s being “rushed” when everyone finally orders and she still hasn’t looked at the menu? 

You just described half the tables I get during dinner.

[Superhero 8,834]

On 5/20/2023 at 1:00 PM, shadow_operative2.0 said:

Didn't she change marital status? 

[Superhero 8,834]

12 hours ago, chikin23 said:

The wife said “you should go buy a new tv for Father’s Day” and I’m not sure what to do.

You can get a TV for under $5,000.

Mine has told me to "just get the Porsche, you keep talking about it."

[52-80 19,232]

On 5/22/2023 at 4:02 PM, Tylerocks said:

So we each do our own laundry.

I'd say once a month, I'll open the washer, and get punched in the face with the stench of mildewy sheets or towels

wife does all the laundry in the house.  this is a conversation that happens quarterly:

*we get into some minor squabble*

"its so tiring; i do all the work around here; i do all the laundry including all your stuff everyday"

"okay, ill do the laundry instead, ive never asked you to do mine"

"but you dont know how to do right"

"you know i did live on my own before you..."

*stares*

 

(you can replace the laundry with cleaning the room or any other chore around the house.  )

[Sam Lin 3,560]

16 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

"but you dont know how to do right"

Long ago I told my wife to stop doing mine because she kept fucking it up. Too much soap, gave my skin itchy red patches, wrong temperature, damages colors, dries them too long, shrinking them, then leaves them in the dryer, wrinkling them.

That said, I never understood doing laundry every day. Do it when you have enough for a full load, otherwise you just waste power and water and your own time.

[52-80 19,232]

2 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

Long ago I told my wife to stop doing mine because she kept fucking it up. Too much soap, gave my skin itchy red patches, wrong temperature, damages colors, dries them too long, shrinking them, then leaves them in the dryer, wrinkling them.

That said, I never understood doing laundry every day. Do it when you have enough for a full load, otherwise you just waste power and water and your own time.

Huge pet peeve of mine to have other people do launder my shit for these reasons.  Even when visiting family my parents still insist on grabbing our stuff and washing them all together.  Atleast at home wife knows to leave my wools and shirts alone

[tbone_ 14,147]

Looks like we got a couple of metros in here

[Nivek 16,982]

On 5/21/2023 at 11:07 PM, MNLonghornFUKM said:

Heading to nieces bday party across town yesterday morning, flow day for wife.

Her: I’m out of heavy tampons(shocking as we’re leaving to bday party)

Me driving: want me to stop by gas station? *entering roundabout…straight leads us to interstate, left leads us to gas station*

Her: *crickets*

Me: *drives straight towards interstate*

Her 4 miles after getting on the interstate: I thought you were going to holiday?(gas station chain up here)

Me: you didn’t say anything

Tone

Get off at exit to birthday and drive her to a different gas station. They didn’t have the right tampons but she had to buy them anyways. My fault

I did make her shut up after I dropped the “it’s not my fault you’re 43 and don’t know if you had tampons or not” line. I knew then and there I wasn’t getting laid, wasn’t anyways, but man it felt good…

[GoPokes83 2,240]

wife does all the laundry in the house.  this is a conversation that happens quarterly:
*we get into some minor squabble*
"its so tiring; i do all the work around here; i do all the laundry including all your stuff everyday"
"okay, ill do the laundry instead, ive never asked you to do mine"
"but you dont know how to do right"
"you know i did live on my own before you..."
*stares*
 
(you can replace the laundry with cleaning the room or any other chore around the house.  )

Just look sheepish and thank her for taking such good care of you. 2 minutes of that BS beats the shit out of having to do laundry and clean the house for another 3 months until she complains about it again.