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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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NeverMarryAStripper

NeverMarryAStripper 21874

Posted
Posted (edited)
1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

I am about to fucking lose it.

We went to Colorado a couple of weeks ago.  Wife told family friends that they could stay at our house.  When she asked me if that would be OK, I said, "I guess, but I really worry about them breaking the AC.  When it's over 100, you cannot have the AC blasting 24 hours a day or it's going to break.  They can't set the thermostat below 78 during the day."

Y'all already know what happened, but we got a text this morning: "The thermostat is set on 74, but it's 81 in the house.  Is something wrong?"

Wife confessed that she didn't tell them not to set it below 78.  I went off.  Then she pivoted to "I don't remember you telling me to tell them that."   Then she pivoted to "YOU keep the thermostat at 76!"  "Yes, *AT NIGHT*, when it's not over a hundred degrees out!"

I have not been this mad in a long time.  

 

On the bright side they're probably not staying at your house now

Edited by NeverMarryAStripper
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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18809

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Youngest son is about to start sophomore year in college. Very limited opportunities for him to work so we supply his spending money. He has initially signed up for the Netflix account that we also use some. He recently had her switch it to come out of our account. 

Wife (to son)- I'll reimburse you for the months you paid for Netflix 

Son - Uhmm, ok (looks at me grinning because he knows what's about to happen)

Me (to wife)- You'll do what?

Wife- reimburse him

Me- Where do you think the original imbursement came from? 

Wife- huh ?

Me- it was our money that paid for it in the first place, he's not getting more for that

Wife- oh

 

Edited by Dennis Taylor
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Hook1997

Hook1997 5351

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Some of y’all need to clean your AC coils and or check your filter.  I’m betting the AC that failed the coils hadn’t been cleaned in a while because that’s a sure sign of one unable to keep up.  An AC running too long shouldn’t be an issue unless you have maintenance issues.  I live in an old house with not the best insulation but if i’m home I can kept it at 76 or below during the day.  AC talk not going away.  

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Sandman

Sandman 3403

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I do not like people to eat in my car. I don't want food falling into every nook and cranny and then my car looks like every car my wife has ever driven. Fucking french fries everywhere and shit. Well, we were on our way to Costco this weekend and decided to grab some breakfast on the way, and I was driving. As she opened up her burrito, I made a semi-joke about eating in the car. She laughed and proceeds to eat. It'll be ok, I said.

She's not Italian but she absolutely must talk with her hands at all times. So as I'm driving down the interstate, she tells me the tale of a "freak driver"she encountered the other day, and starts waving her hands (which are holding food) around to....simulate how he changed lanes rapidly? I don't know because I was driving and not looking at her. But I did hear the small thud as a tater tot flew from it's little sleeve and fell somewhere between my seat and the console. "Ooops" she said. She looks down and says meekly, "I'll get it later". To which I sternly reply "How about you get it now??!?".  To her credit, she got it out of there without any complaints or drama. 

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nnm

nnm 36348

Posted
Posted
8 hours ago, tigol said:

If your thermostat/system is that fragile, a smart tstat would be a no brainer for anyone occupying the house.

This. Smart thermostats are easy to self-install. You can program it so it fits your dystopian upper-70s ideal, and remotely control it so that if you have houseguests while you’re away, you can check in and raise/lower it no matter what they try to do. You can even lock them out if you’d like. 

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9375

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9 hours ago, Sandman said:

I do not like people to eat in my car. I don't want food falling into every nook and cranny and then my car looks like every car my wife has ever driven. Fucking french fries everywhere and shit. Well, we were on our way to Costco this weekend and decided to grab some breakfast on the way, and I was driving. As she opened up her burrito, I made a semi-joke about eating in the car. She laughed and proceeds to eat. It'll be ok, I said.

She's not Italian but she absolutely must talk with her hands at all times. So as I'm driving down the interstate, she tells me the tale of a "freak driver"she encountered the other day, and starts waving her hands (which are holding food) around to....simulate how he changed lanes rapidly? I don't know because I was driving and not looking at her. But I did hear the small thud as a tater tot flew from it's little sleeve and fell somewhere between my seat and the console. "Ooops" she said. She looks down and says meekly, "I'll get it later". To which I sternly reply "How about you get it now??!?".  To her credit, she got it out of there without any complaints or drama. 

I thought I was the only one. I catch hell from my friends and family, but I don’t do drive-throughs in my own vehicles. 

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Native Horn

Native Horn 3498

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Sandman said:

I do not like people to eat in my car. I don't want food falling into every nook and cranny and then my car looks like every car my wife has ever driven. Fucking french fries everywhere and shit. Well, we were on our way to Costco this weekend and decided to grab some breakfast on the way, and I was driving. As she opened up her burrito, I made a semi-joke about eating in the car. She laughed and proceeds to eat. It'll be ok, I said.

She's not Italian but she absolutely must talk with her hands at all times. So as I'm driving down the interstate, she tells me the tale of a "freak driver"she encountered the other day, and starts waving her hands (which are holding food) around to....simulate how he changed lanes rapidly? I don't know because I was driving and not looking at her. But I did hear the small thud as a tater tot flew from it's little sleeve and fell somewhere between my seat and the console. "Ooops" she said. She looks down and says meekly, "I'll get it later". To which I sternly reply "How about you get it now??!?".  To her credit, she got it out of there without any complaints or drama. 

Wait, tater tots for breakfast?  Duly noted.

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eljinca

eljinca 279

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Not my wife, but someone’s.

Driving on the highway yesterday with a minivan in front of me. Entered into a construction zone where the shoulder narrowed with concrete highway barriers directly after the right lane rumble strips. Road went to the left and the minivan… did not. Ripped the bumper off and front right tire exploded as she clipped the barrier. She straightened the minivan out and continues on. No harm no foul I guess.
 

She was still driving on the rim a mile down the road when I passed her.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18809

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Posted
18 minutes ago, eljinca said:

Not my wife, but someone’s.

Driving on the highway yesterday with a minivan in front of me. Entered into a construction zone where the shoulder narrowed with concrete highway barriers directly after the right lane rumble strips. Road went to the left and the minivan… did not. Ripped the bumper off and front right tire exploded as she clipped the barrier. She straightened the minivan out and continues on. No harm no foul I guess.
 

She was still driving on the rim a mile down the road when I passed her.

Very chivalrous of you 

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El Tri

El Tri 412

Posted
Posted
16 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

I am about to fucking lose it.

We went to Colorado a couple of weeks ago.  Wife told family friends that they could stay at our house.  When she asked me if that would be OK, I said, "I guess, but I really worry about them breaking the AC.  When it's over 100, you cannot have the AC blasting 24 hours a day or it's going to break.  They can't set the thermostat below 78 during the day."

Y'all already know what happened, but we got a text this morning: "The thermostat is set on 74, but it's 81 in the house.  Is something wrong?"

Wife confessed that she didn't tell them not to set it below 78.  I went off.  Then she pivoted to "I don't remember you telling me to tell them that."   Then she pivoted to "YOU keep the thermostat at 76!"  "Yes, *AT NIGHT*, when it's not over a hundred degrees out!"

I have not been this mad in a long time.  

 

78 in the day, and 76 at night? WHAT THE FUCK? Are you the city of austin or something?

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

Posted
Posted
13 hours ago, txhorns said:

Some of you people need a new AC unit or better insulation in your houses.  My thermostat stays at 72 all summer with no issues.  It doesn’t run all day either.

I live in Houston and have 0 issues with my AC hitting 73/74 in 105 degree weather.  Now my electric bill is scary, but still

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40822

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Posted
19 hours ago, txhorns said:

PSA: if you live in a place with hot summers get you AC serviced every year before the summer starts.  It makes a big difference.

I have been paying an HVAC company for decades to service my central heat & air unit twice a year. Once in the spring for the A/C and once in the fall for the heater. The recently raised their fee from $100 to $120, which covers both house calls. 
And yes, cleaning the coils is included in the service. (I also hose them off periodically during the summer.

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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Posted
Here's one that 1) happens regularly, and 2) just happened again.  The other night, my wife and I watched the new documentary on the James Webb telescope on Netflix.  We really liked it.  I presume she wants to recommend it to a friend, because she just texted me "What was the name of that documentary on the James Webb telescope that we watched?"
She LITERALLY FUCKING TYPED THE GOOGLE QUERY AND SENT IT TO ME INSTEAD, SO THAT I WOULD EITHER REMEMBER IT OR GOOGLE IT FOR HER.
Now, I didn't get mad, and I answered her question.  Because we had a nice time together yesterday evening after dinner and a coupla drinks.  But...FFS...she does this all the time (texts me a question that she could just type into google and get the immediate answer).  WTF?  WHY?
I've asked my wife about this when she does it. Her response? "You ARE my Google."
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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 105065

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2 minutes ago, Modessit said:
On 7/31/2023 at 10:46 AM, Brisketexan said:
Here's one that 1) happens regularly, and 2) just happened again.  The other night, my wife and I watched the new documentary on the James Webb telescope on Netflix.  We really liked it.  I presume she wants to recommend it to a friend, because she just texted me "What was the name of that documentary on the James Webb telescope that we watched?"
She LITERALLY FUCKING TYPED THE GOOGLE QUERY AND SENT IT TO ME INSTEAD, SO THAT I WOULD EITHER REMEMBER IT OR GOOGLE IT FOR HER.
Now, I didn't get mad, and I answered her question.  Because we had a nice time together yesterday evening after dinner and a coupla drinks.  But...FFS...she does this all the time (texts me a question that she could just type into google and get the immediate answer).  WTF?  WHY?

I've asked my wife about this when she does it. Her response? "You ARE my Google."

The only proper response to that is "and you are my PornHub."

Edited by Brisketexan
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Party_Taco

Party_Taco 3723

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So last weekend we flew out of town and wife left her phone in the airport bathroom on arrival, not noticing until we were 20 mins away in an Uber.

I tell her “no stress, we’ll be back there in a couple days, will file a claim and if they find it great. In the meantime let’s just get a new phone as you’re due for an upgrade anyway.

Unfortunately, once we arrived at the hotel they called to say they had the phone, and she insisted on going back out to the airport to retrieve it (45 mins and a $75 Uber away). I said fuck it and went to the pool. Anyway, turns out they didn’t have it and had given it to a different lost and found which caused a massive shit show. Long/short, she spent all day at the airport and didn’t get her phone back.

After immeasurable hassle, we finally retrieved her phone 2 days later on our way out of town, but only after buying her a new phone to hold her over.

Then tonight… some two days after returning home, I hear a voice from the other room as I’m preparing for bed. “Hey babe… I left my phone at Target… I’m going to try and go get it.”

giphy.gif

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MNLonghornFUKM

MNLonghornFUKM 8817

Posted
Posted
So last weekend we flew out of town and wife left her phone in the airport bathroom on arrival, not noticing until we were 20 mins away in an Uber.

I tell her “no stress, we’ll be back there in a couple days, will file a claim and if they find it great. In the meantime let’s just get a new phone as you’re due for an upgrade anyway.

Unfortunately, once we arrived at the hotel they called to say they had the phone, and she insisted on going back out to the airport to retrieve it (45 mins and a $75 Uber away). I said fuck it and went to the pool. Anyway, turns out they didn’t have it and had given it to a different lost and found which caused a massive shit show. Long/short, she spent all day at the airport and didn’t get her phone back.

After immeasurable hassle, we finally retrieved her phone 2 days later on our way out of town, but only after buying her a new phone to hold her over.

Then tonight… some two days after returning home, I hear a voice from the other room as I’m preparing for bed. “Hey babe… I left my phone at Target… I’m going to try and go get it.”

giphy.gif

The new phone or the old phone?


Did she retrieve it?
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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

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Posted

I’m pretty damn handy and we’re doing a lot of upgrades to the house. One of our issues is the dog kennel takes up too much space. So I’m building them one under the stairs. It’s going to look and be awesome

I’ve already cut the space out.

Wife starts with I don’t think the opening should be higher
To which I said: it’s as high as it can go.

Fifteen minutes later…
Her: I’m trying to visualize this. I really think you shouldn’t go higher
Me: yep. It can’t go higher anyway so we’re good. The stairs start at that point so it’s what it is

Fifteen minutes later
Her: do you think we should make it a bit taller
Me: do you hate me???? I’ve already told you twice that’s the opening and, not only is it not changing, it can’t change.
Her: why?
Me: for the same reason I told you earlier

She then proceeds to climb in so she can verify that her husband, who she knows is very capable knows what he’s talking about…

God I love that woman or I’d have to run away

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

Posted
Posted
I’m pretty damn handy and we’re doing a lot of upgrades to the house. One of our issues is the dog kennel takes up too much space. So I’m building them one under the stairs. It’s going to look and be awesome

I’ve already cut the space out.

Wife starts with I don’t think the opening should be higher
To which I said: it’s as high as it can go.

Fifteen minutes later…
Her: I’m trying to visualize this. I really think you shouldn’t go higher
Me: yep. It can’t go higher anyway so we’re good. The stairs start at that point so it’s what it is

Fifteen minutes later
Her: do you think we should make it a bit taller
Me: do you hate me???? I’ve already told you twice that’s the opening and, not only is it not changing, it can’t change.
Her: why?
Me: for the same reason I told you earlier

She then proceeds to climb in so she can verify that her husband, who she knows is very capable knows what he’s talking about…

God I love that woman or I’d have to run away
Tell her she needs to see if the door is strong enough to keep the dogs from accidentally getting out. Lock her in. Go have a beer or three. Come back later and ask if it held.
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hullabelew

hullabelew 3723

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8 hours ago, Modessit said:
9 hours ago, uoftorange said:
I’m pretty damn handy and we’re doing a lot of upgrades to the house. One of our issues is the dog kennel takes up too much space. So I’m building them one under the stairs. It’s going to look and be awesome

I’ve already cut the space out.

Wife starts with I don’t think the opening should be higher
To which I said: it’s as high as it can go.

Fifteen minutes later…
Her: I’m trying to visualize this. I really think you shouldn’t go higher
Me: yep. It can’t go higher anyway so we’re good. The stairs start at that point so it’s what it is

Fifteen minutes later
Her: do you think we should make it a bit taller
Me: do you hate me???? I’ve already told you twice that’s the opening and, not only is it not changing, it can’t change.
Her: why?
Me: for the same reason I told you earlier

She then proceeds to climb in so she can verify that her husband, who she knows is very capable knows what he’s talking about…

God I love that woman or I’d have to run away

Tell her she needs to see if the door is strong enough to keep the dogs from accidentally getting out. Lock her in. Go have a beer or three. Come back later and ask if it held.

Then test it with the dog and see who is happiest to see you when you let them out.  Keep the happy one, ditch the other one.  

Edited by hullabelew
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9375

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, uoftorange said:

I’m pretty damn handy and we’re doing a lot of upgrades to the house. One of our issues is the dog kennel takes up too much space. So I’m building them one under the stairs. It’s going to look and be awesome

I’ve already cut the space out.

Wife starts with I don’t think the opening should be higher
To which I said: it’s as high as it can go.

Fifteen minutes later…
Her: I’m trying to visualize this. I really think you shouldn’t go higher
Me: yep. It can’t go higher anyway so we’re good. The stairs start at that point so it’s what it is

Fifteen minutes later
Her: do you think we should make it a bit taller
Me: do you hate me???? I’ve already told you twice that’s the opening and, not only is it not changing, it can’t change.
Her: why?
Me: for the same reason I told you earlier

She then proceeds to climb in so she can verify that her husband, who she knows is very capable knows what he’s talking about…

God I love that woman or I’d have to run away

You got a picture, didn’t you?  Didn’t you?  

12 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


The new phone or the old phone?


Did she retrieve it?

Could you ask her where in Target she left it?  

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9375

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Posted
6 minutes ago, Upgrayedd said:

I’m convinced that the extra X chromosome causes them to Google search overly complicated searches.  
 

Her: “Who was the actress in the Barbie movie that came out this year”

Me:  “Barbie cast”

Same one that got naked in the Wall Street movie, Honey. 

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Grade of D as in David

Grade of D as in David 13253

Posted
Posted
12 hours ago, uoftorange said:

I’m pretty damn handy and we’re doing a lot of upgrades to the house. One of our issues is the dog kennel takes up too much space. So I’m building them one under the stairs. It’s going to look and be awesome

I’ve already cut the space out.

Wife starts with I don’t think the opening should be higher
To which I said: it’s as high as it can go.

Fifteen minutes later…
Her: I’m trying to visualize this. I really think you shouldn’t go higher
Me: yep. It can’t go higher anyway so we’re good. The stairs start at that point so it’s what it is

Fifteen minutes later
Her: do you think we should make it a bit taller
Me: do you hate me???? I’ve already told you twice that’s the opening and, not only is it not changing, it can’t change.
Her: why?
Me: for the same reason I told you earlier

She then proceeds to climb in so she can verify that her husband, who she knows is very capable knows what he’s talking about…

God I love that woman or I’d have to run away

You fucked up by not "taking her advice". When she said I don't think it should go any higher, you should have said. Great idea. I'm going to make it this tall, glad you helped me out. 

Telling her it physically couldn't go any higher was interpreted by her as you not listening to her advice, so she felt compelled to come back with a different answer.

 

 

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

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7 minutes ago, Modessit said:

I'm sure many of us can relate:

https://www.facebook.com/reel/654851239923593?fs=e&s=9RfQYY&mibextid=wa05Vy

I'm a very lucky man there now.  I'm an aggressive, but not dangerous driver.  I grew up in Houston, have driven a ton in Mexico and some in India, I know how to freaking drive and drive well.  My ex could never shut up, slammed the floor, got mad, but when I said "do you want to drive" she would say "no, you're a good driver" then go right back to that shit.

My wife now loathes driving, says she'd have a driver if she ever got wealthy enough to do so.  She has never once said a word to me, even when she maybe should have.  It's glorious.  I've complimented her on it and she just says "you're driving, I don't have to, I'm not saying a damn word ever to you so that we can keep that going"

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1951

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We have a special needs kid who can't stay in school or most camps.  We frequently get called to pick him up.  I am a lawyer; my wife is a personal trainer. Ironically, I generally have more flexibility in my job than she does, except when I don't.  When she is with a client, which is all the time she is working, she cannot take calls or leave.  If I am in court or a deposition or a client meeting, I REALLY can't leave.  Today I had a client meeting when I got a call from the camp to pick him up. Because my wife is almost totally unavailable an hour at a time, I didn't know if she would be able to respond or what, so I made the decision to go get him myself.  I asked another lawyer to cover the meeting (he was going to be in it anyway) and I left my office and texted my wife that I'm getting him and will take him to my office until she can pick him up.  This has happened numerous times before.

Since the last time, however, two things have happened.  1. My wife got busted for cheating the time clock at work (long, complicated story that is not entirely her fault, but still) so her hours are being heavily scrutinized and she has to meet a minimum or we lose our health insurance, 2. her step-brother is coming to town to visit her diminishing step-father today and she's picking him up from the airport. So it's complicated, which is why I was trying to make it less complicated by eliminating a variable - what fucking time can you come pick up our son from my office?

I texted her asking what time she would be able to pick him up.  I was more than willing to leave early or whatever I needed to do, but I didn't know when she might be able to pick him up.  I was expecting an answer that ended in "o'clock."  Instead, I got a bunch of words, none of which was "o'clock." Some of the words had to do with the time clock issue and picking up her brother from the airport. Then, when I complained about her not answering the question she says, "Fine! I'll just come get him now!" She's all pissed at me now.  WTMFF?

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