Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Ojo Rojo 1946]

4 minutes ago, AM Wood said:

not all of us were so lucky to marry a lesbian.

Or a dude.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21869]

27 minutes ago, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

I'm pretty sure that she started life as a dude

[mulletpelini 5210]

51 minutes ago, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

If you look around the room and can't find the wife, it's probably you.

Sorry you married my ex-wife Rojo.  The accelerating to stoplights just blows my fucking mind....not only do you burn completely unnecessary fuel, you stress the fuck out of the brakes when you have to bury them into the floor to stop a foot behind the car in front of you.  I've had one car in my entire life that I've had to get front brakes fixed on and guess who fucking drove it.

Edited April 5, 2018 by mulletpelini

[Beau Vine 54203]

2 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

So how big is her penis?

[Beau Vine 54203]

My wife doesn't accelerate to stop lights, but she has no concept of just taking her foot off the gas and coasting.

Foot either has to be on the gas or the brake.

[Modessit 5598]

My wife follows the navigation instructions perfectly - because it's not me that's giving them to her.

[Ojo Rojo 1946]

2 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

If you look around the room and can't find the wife, it's probably you.

Sorry you married my ex-wife Rojo.  The accelerating to stoplights just blows my fucking mind....not only do you burn completely unnecessary fuel, you stress the fuck out of the brakes when you have to bury them into the floor to stop a foot behind the car in front of you.  I've had one car in my entire life that I've had to get front brakes fixed on and guess who fucking drove it.

There's something about wives that simply does not allow them to consider conservation and economy.

[AM Wood 335]

Like if they have a 3’ x 3’ piece of fabric and they need a 6” Circle for some stupid redit project they will cut it right out of the middle.

[mulletpelini 5210]

3 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

My wife doesn't accelerate to stop lights, but she has no concept of just taking her foot off the gas and coasting.

Foot either has to be on the gas or the brake.

Then she's accelerating to stoplights.  That's the logic behind it, either brake or gas, nothing in between, just like the ears.

[General Specific 3252]

Clock?  No.  But I used to have a dishwasher that looked a little like that.

When you see it, you will know!

Hint, you can see it spin clockwise and counter.

[General Specific 3252]

My wife doesn't accelerate to stop lights, but she has no concept of just taking her foot off the gas and coasting.
Foot either has to be on the gas or the brake.

I never let my wife drive (unless I drink). She has a habit of 1 or 0 on the gas, plus near sightedness that makes this left the right motion on the wheel when goin gown the road.

Kind of like square dancing, forward, right, back and left. Rinse repeat....

[sheeeit 129]

7 hours ago, pearlandhorn said:

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.

Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

100 bucks shes a whale

[686 3446]

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.
Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

How’s her ironing?

[Beau Vine 54203]

1 hour ago, mulletpelini said:

Then she's accelerating to stoplights.  That's the logic behind it, either brake or gas, nothing in between, just like the ears.

I don't think you understand what "accelerating" means.  

 

[General Specific 3252]

How’s her ironing?

Had a Belgian gun that didn’t shoot right. Didn’t need 19 years to get rid of it.

[bolverk 29648]

48 minutes ago, 686 said:

 

 

How’s her ironing?

 

 

Even when I was married, I didn't trust my wife at ironing my shirts. Fuck that.

[Irwin F Fletcher 3550]

1 hour ago, General Specific said:

When you see it, you will know!

Hint, you can see it spin clockwise and counter.

Thanks for the clarification Roethlisberger.

[pearlandhorn 3269]

1 hour ago, sheeeit said:

100 bucks shes a whale

No, she’s not a whale. It’s my birthday and she’s slave leia for me tonight. No pics you dirty assholes.

Edited April 6, 2018 by pearlandhorn

[sheeeit 129]

25 minutes ago, pearlandhorn said:

No, she’s not a whale. It’s my birthday and she’s slave leia for me tonight. No pics you dirty assholes.

solid

[bolverk 29648]

9 minutes ago, sheeeit said:

solid

About as solid as the Adam's Apple she's sporting.

[Mitch Cumsteen 18547]

My wife is OCD about the dog getting out of the yard. She's particularly worried that the aggie kid next door is going to come into our backyard to retrieve his football or baseball and will leave the gate open. She comes home yesterday to find the gate not properly secured so she goes to Home Depot to buy a lock. I'm not paying too much attention to any of this until she tells me that she put the lock on but it's stuck and she can't get it off the latch. I'm thinking, "What the fuck could she possibly be talking about?" So I go outside and find out that she positioned the lock where it butts up against a stone wall and there isn't enough space between the lock and the wall to get a key in there.

[PvilleStang 2875]

Mitch Cumsteen driving hard in the paint.

[ShaggyBevo RIP 3868]

^^^

She no longer has to worry about the gate being left open.

[Longhornfan1024 1707]

2 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife is OCD about the dog getting out of the yard. She's particularly worried that the aggie kid next door is going to come into our backyard to retrieve his football or baseball and will leave the gate open. She comes home yesterday to find the gate not properly secured so she goes to Home Depot to buy a lock. I'm not paying too much attention to any of this until she tells me that she put the lock on but it's stuck and she can't get it off the latch. I'm thinking, "What the fuck could she possibly be talking about?" So I go outside and find out that she positioned the lock where it butts up against a stone wall and there isn't enough space between the lock and the wall to get a key in there.

We have a lock in a similar position at our house and I'm always worried my wife will do like your wife did.  So I made sure there is only one key she knows exists (extra is hidden) and it stays on my key chain.  

[HOOKEM4 5036]

Why the fuck cant I see these pictures??? What do I need to do? Help me!!  I need to see this stupid shit.

[Yarbr 123]

Me: Company is having some meetings and a big party in Vegas in June and we can bring a significant other, you in?

Wife: oh, that sounds fun, we should bring the kids.

Me: ....

[TrashMaster G 17539]

12 minutes ago, Yarbr said:

Me: Company is having some meetings and a big party in Vegas in June and we can bring a significant other, you in?

Wife: oh, that sounds fun, we should bring the kids.

Me: ....

[PhillyD 1257]

16 minutes ago, HOOKEM4 said:

Why the fuck cant I see these pictures??? What do I need to do? Help me!!  I need to see this stupid shit.

I can't see them on my browser but since it was Mitch and he always bring the wood, I logged in on Tapa.  As promised, his wife did something stupid.

[GhostRider 169]

1 hour ago, HOOKEM4 said:

Why the fuck cant I see these pictures??? What do I need to do? Help me!!  I need to see this stupid shit.

It's a big pain in the ass.  Imgur pictures posted by Tapa users can't be seen by desktop users.  I hope they figure this out.

To view these pics, right click on the image file name in the post and select view image.  That will take you to a page that says the image cannot be viewed, but just go up to the url and remove the s out of the https, press enter and the picture appears.  Like I said, a big pain in the ass.

Here's Mitch's picture, btw:

Edited April 6, 2018 by GhostRider

[Lone Star Horn 2016]

5 hours ago, Mitch Cumsteen said:

My wife is OCD about the dog getting out of the yard. She's particularly worried that the aggie kid next door is going to come into our backyard to retrieve his football or baseball and will leave the gate open. She comes home yesterday to find the gate not properly secured so she goes to Home Depot to buy a lock. I'm not paying too much attention to any of this until she tells me that she put the lock on but it's stuck and she can't get it off the latch. I'm thinking, "What the fuck could she possibly be talking about?" So I go outside and find out that she positioned the lock where it butts up against a stone wall and there isn't enough space between the lock and the wall to get a key in there.

holy shit, wow, poor Mitch now needs to get a bolt cutter to have access to that gate.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

I need a rundown of the conversation about that lock.

It would be cool if you posted the pic you mentioned earlier. It's an open sewer at the old place now.

[Angry Gorilla 1766]

"I remember a lot of memories"

[Brothahorn 10087]

I never have to worry about my wife's driving.  She was a Smith Driving Instructor? for her last job.  She's probably the safest person I know with regards to driving and knowing her way around.  I have to ask her for directions most of the time because I go to the same place every day (work) and she's out and about with the kid.
Like I've said over on the shag, I feel bad for a lot of you guys.  My wife is intelligent, plays video games with me, drinks (not in excess), is a great mom, still has sex with me, is a good driver, takes care of her vehicle (has the oil changed or changes it herself someones), doesn't really bitch or nag at me.  I feel like I hit the jackpot.

New site, still don't believe you

[El Diablo 4232]

44 minutes ago, Angry Gorilla said:

"I remember a lot of memories"

You're married to Dirt Bike?

[Modessit 5598]

holy shit, wow, poor Mitch now needs to get a bolt cutter to have access to that gate.

Or.... you go to the other side of the gate and take the nuts off the mounting bolts and then just pull the entire latch assembly off of the gate with the lock attached, unlock and remove the lock, then remount the latch assembly and put the lock on properly.

 

If the bolts can't be removed that way and it just has screws, remove the one and see if it well rotate enough on the other to get the key in.

[mulletpelini 5210]

12 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

holy shit, wow, poor Mitch now needs to get a bolt cutter to have access to that gate.

Better hope it aint one of these....

[Nivek 16916]

On 4/5/2018 at 2:21 PM, mulletpelini said:

I've had one car in my entire life that I've had to get front brakes fixed on and guess who fucking drove it.

I cannot tell if this is humblebrag, exact wording (he did the brakes himself), or he rides a bike?

[Yarbr 123]

5 hours ago, mulletpelini said:

Better hope it aint one of these....

Broke a key off in one of these before, bolt cutters made short work of it.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

rented downsizing last night off of apple movies because my wife wanted to see it

 

 

[GottaB 594]

rented downsizing last night off of apple movies because my wife wanted to see it
 
 

Awful movie.

[Bobby_Batronic 1994]

Mine has this fascinating habit of almost getting things where they need to be. For example, there’ll be a pile of clothes next to a half empty hamper. The recycling/garbage bag will make it to the garage and next to the bins/cans, used diapers end up on the table next to the diaper pail. 

I cant decide if she’s being lazy, losing her mind with two toddlers or f’ing with me. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21869]

Maybe she's trying to tell you that you're not quite hitting her sweet spot 

[next2naus 437]

2 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

rented downsizing last night off of apple movies because my wife wanted to see it

 

 

awful, awful

[Equinox 95]

Dragging this over from the old board.

 

My mancave gets warmer than any other room in the house. Likely because I have two computers going. I also have a couple of tube guitar amplifiers that stay on if I'm noodling around on guitar. The window also faces south, so the sun is on it for a large part of the day.  I have a small fan in there circulating air, and where I sit it's comfortable.

The room is also right next to the HVAC closet, so I usually keep the vent barely open because whether the heater or AC is on, the room gets blasted.

On the rare occasions when the hag walks into the room, she'll always comment on how warm it is. This conversation is especially popular during that time of year when we're not running the heater or AC.

HAG- Godammit it's hot in this room.

ME- Eh, it feels okay at my desk. I have this fan blowing, and.......

HAG- You should open that vent.

ME- It is open a little. Is the AC running?

HAG- No.

ME- Well, then how is opening the vent more going to help?

HAG- Tone.

 

I bet we've had this exact same conversation 20 times over the past few years.

[Bobby_Batronic 1994]

33 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Maybe she's trying to tell you that you're not quite hitting her sweet spot 

We’ve been married 18 years. She’s forgotten she’s got a sweetspot. 

[Nivek 16916]

Kids have T-ball game at 9AM.

8:15 AM -Wife decides to take a shower at 8:15, and then is annoyed I told her to hurry up.

8:35 AM - Wife begins the 20 minute process of getting our daughter's hair brushed out

8:36 AM - I grab the girl, give her a pony tail and take the two kids to the game.  

9:15 AM - Wife arrives to the game.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2731]

I’m familiar with that move.
It’s annoying as shit yet I catch grief if I miss an event due to work.

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

2 hours ago, Nivek said:

Kids have T-ball game at 9AM.

8:15 AM -Wife decides to take a shower at 8:15, and then is annoyed I told her to hurry up.

8:35 AM - Wife begins the 20 minute process of getting our daughter's hair brushed out

8:36 AM - I grab the girl, give her a pony tail and take the two kids to the game.  

9:15 AM - Wife arrives to the game.

do you hold classes on how to give girls pony tails?

[Landomatic 3813]

We have a double sink in the kitchen.  Pretty standard...one big sink with a divider in the middle to create 2 separate sides.  One side has a garbage disposal, the other side has a regular drain.  No matter how much I tell her, my wife seems to think that both sides have a garbage disposal.  Rinses large chunks of food off in whatever side she damn well feels like.  Drives me fucking crazy.

[Hunchback 51]

Waiting until she is stopped at a light to turn on her turn signal.