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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Brothahorn

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Whenever we go anywhere in my wife's SUV, we have drama over locking the doors when we get out.
It's a newer vehicle, so no key - just the proximity keyfob.  Which she keeps in her purse at all times.  Even when I'm driving.  So, I drive.  We get to our destination and get out - I get out on the driver's side, she gets out on the passenger side (and of course, I have to wait while she gets out, because for some reason, she has to get all her stuff together because she was totally caught off guard by the fact that we were actually heading to a destination).  I cannot lock the doors, because I don't have the fob.  I can't press the button (obviously).  But you can also just press the little button on the door handle to lock the doors....if you have the fob on you, right next to the door.  Which I do not.  So, we get out, and I ask her to lock the doors, and she gets exasperated with me EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Often "you can just press the button on the door, you know."  No, I can't.  Because you got out and immediately walked away from the car.
But if I ask her to give me her keys before we leave the house, she gets annoyed because she has to dig them out of her purse (which has 479 "secret compartment pockets," and the key is in the 234th one).
So, bottom line, whenever I drive her car anywhere, she's going to be annoyed with me not being able to lock the door even though she is solely responsible for the fact that I am unable to lock the door.
Just download the app.
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Sandman

Sandman 3403

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20 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

Call me old-fashioned, but I see to it that the GF rarely, if ever, has to pump gas.  If we are driving together in her car, I will always top it off if it's below 1/2.  If I haven't driven it in a few days, I check the level and if it's south of 1/2, I run it to the station.   It's a little thing that I know she appreciates, because I've heard her tell her sister that she cannot remember the last time she got gas on her own.

I don't think my mother ever filled up her own car. My dad would go out whenever it got low and gas it up. When I was younger, he'd ask me if I wanted to go, and it was some nice father/son bonding. 

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deadshank

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13 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I don't think my mother ever filled up her own car. My dad would go out whenever it got low and gas it up. When I was younger, he'd ask me if I wanted to go, and it was some nice father/son bonding. 

How many Budweisers and Viceroys did he pound up and back while he was letting you in on the secrets of manhood?

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15347

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31 minutes ago, Sandman said:

I don't think my mother ever filled up her own car. My dad would go out whenever it got low and gas it up. When I was younger, he'd ask me if I wanted to go, and it was some nice father/son bonding. 

My Grandmother (Dad's mom) never drove a day in her life.  Grandad would drop her at the grocery store to buy groceries and go shoot pool until she called whichever Elks' Lodge or VFW he was at to come get her.    

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52-80

52-80 19162

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5 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Whenever we go anywhere in my wife's SUV, we have drama over locking the doors when we get out.It's a newer vehicle, so no key - just the proximity keyfob.  Which she keeps in her purse at all times. 

My car has proximity function with a slim cc-sized card or a phone app via bluetooth. So zero nuisance to carry one. 

I offer both options to wife so i’ll never be bothered with her asking me to unlock the car for her.  She refuses (for no discernably logical reason). 

So basically i’ve been waiting for an I-Told-You-So moment, like she’s getting drenched under a thunderstorm…or being chased by angry seagulls…and needing to shelter in the car.  And I can finally say “ah ha you shouldve installed the phone app”

Been waiting for 4 years. 

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crimsonlonghorn

crimsonlonghorn 2306

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4 hours ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:


Yep. That is on brisket. When I drive our Tahoe that has the keyless BS, I just use the spare and avoid the arguments. Don’t even know where the real key is at. Somewhere buried in her purse

Whenever I drive my wife's car, I use my own key. I will usually get out of the car first and then stand there and wait for her.  Because she's still in the car with her key in her purse, the car will do the three quick honks to remind the driver that his key was left in the car. Mrs CL will then get out of the car and complain at me for honking at her to make her hurry up. Every time. 

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ABSR

ABSR 5315

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5 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

My Grandmother (Dad's mom) never drove a day in her life.  Grandad would drop her at the grocery store to buy groceries and go shoot pool until she called whichever Elks' Lodge or VFW he was at to come get her.    

How did he do this before cell phones?

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54252

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11 hours ago, Pokoloco said:

I think I'm Brisketexan.  I may have some fight club sort of thing going on. 

I thought he was describing my wife until his story veered.  My wife's problem is that when we come back to the car, she NEVER remembers that she has the key to unlock it.  Rather, she'll just stand there vacantly by the car until she looks over at me, standing there annoyed with the Tommy Lee Jones face.

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ERhine

ERhine 1894

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Whenever we go anywhere in my wife's SUV, we have drama over locking the doors when we get out.
It's a newer vehicle, so no key - just the proximity keyfob.  Which she keeps in her purse at all times.  Even when I'm driving.  So, I drive.  We get to our destination and get out - I get out on the driver's side, she gets out on the passenger side (and of course, I have to wait while she gets out, because for some reason, she has to get all her stuff together because she was totally caught off guard by the fact that we were actually heading to a destination).  I cannot lock the doors, because I don't have the fob.  I can't press the button (obviously).  But you can also just press the little button on the door handle to lock the doors....if you have the fob on you, right next to the door.  Which I do not.  So, we get out, and I ask her to lock the doors, and she gets exasperated with me EVERY SINGLE TIME.  Often "you can just press the button on the door, you know."  No, I can't.  Because you got out and immediately walked away from the car.
But if I ask her to give me her keys before we leave the house, she gets annoyed because she has to dig them out of her purse (which has 479 "secret compartment pockets," and the key is in the 234th one).
So, bottom line, whenever I drive her car anywhere, she's going to be annoyed with me not being able to lock the door even though she is solely responsible for the fact that I am unable to lock the door.

At least if this was my wife’s SUV, you don’t understand how key fobs work at all. You can still lock the car by pushing the door handle even if the key is in her purse on the other side of the vehicle. The fob doesn’t have to be beside the door handle you use to lock the vehicle.
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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8810

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8 hours ago, Sandman said:

I don't think my mother ever filled up her own car. My dad would go out whenever it got low and gas it up. When I was younger, he'd ask me if I wanted to go, and it was some nice father/son bonding. 

Neither my mother or grandmother EVER put gas in a vehicle. It was my father's thing to do, women just do that type of stuff in their generation. When my father passed, it fell to me or my BIL's. Mom didn't even know how to put gas in her car. Strange, but I kind of miss those "old" days.

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mininghorn88

mininghorn88 2293

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50 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Neither my mother or grandmother EVER put gas in a vehicle. It was my father's thing to do, women just do that type of stuff in their generation. When my father passed, it fell to me or my BIL's. Mom didn't even know how to put gas in her car. Strange, but I kind of miss those "old" days.

Whenever my daughter would come home from UT for a visit I would always wash her car. When she got ready to leave I would follow her to the local gas station and fill her gas tank up for her. Just a little more precious daughter and dad time.

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52-80

52-80 19162

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12 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Tonight we went to an event at my son's high school. There were a lot of kids in the program with African sounding names.

Mrs CL: Wow. Where did all of those African kids come from?

Me: I have a pretty good guess....

Mrs CL: Seriously, where?

“Sharpstown?”

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Brisketexan

Brisketexan 105154

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8 hours ago, ERhine said:


At least if this was my wife’s SUV, you don’t understand how key fobs work at all. You can still lock the car by pushing the door handle even if the key is in her purse on the other side of the vehicle. The fob doesn’t have to be beside the door handle you use to lock the vehicle.

Oh, I get it.  THAT approach is hindered by the standard process of "we get where we're going, park the car, I get out....and then my wife lingers inside the car for another 10 fucking minutes putting her shoes back on, rearranging her purse, returning a text to her friend, applying some lip balm, rearranging the change in the cupholder, etc."  So, I can't lock the door like that...because she's still in the car.  I've gotten out of the car, closed the door, and have slowly started the walk to our destination (store, soccer match, wherever).  If I had a fob, I could lock the door from a distance, or at least from outside.

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Pokoloco

Pokoloco 1281

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29 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh, I get it.  THAT approach is hindered by the standard process of "we get where we're going, park the car, I get out....and then my wife lingers inside the car for another 10 fucking minutes putting her shoes back on, rearranging her purse, returning a text to her friend, applying some lip balm, rearranging the change in the cupholder, etc."  So, I can't lock the door like that...because she's still in the car.  I've gotten out of the car, closed the door, and have slowly started the walk to our destination (store, soccer match, wherever).  If I had a fob, I could lock the door from a distance, or at least from outside.

Our wife sure is a handful.

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Dennis Taylor

Dennis Taylor 18830

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15 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

Whenever I drive my wife's car, I use my own key. I will usually get out of the car first and then stand there and wait for her.  Because she's still in the car with her key in her purse, the car will do the three quick honks to remind the driver that his key was left in the car. Mrs CL will then get out of the car and complain at me for honking at her to make her hurry up. Every time. 

Shark Tank Writing GIF

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9389

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10 hours ago, mininghorn88 said:

Whenever my daughter would come home from UT for a visit I would always wash her car. When she got ready to leave I would follow her to the local gas station and fill her gas tank up for her. Just a little more precious daughter and dad time.

When my siblings and I were in high school our family had three or four old shitty pickups on our place. We’d drive one until it was almost out of gas, and then switch it out for a different one. My poor dad. 

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40850

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On 9/24/2023 at 7:28 PM, Gil Bang said:

Call me old-fashioned, but I see to it that the GF rarely, if ever, has to pump gas.  If we are driving together in her car, I will always top it off if it's below 1/2.  If I haven't driven it in a few days, I check the level and if it's south of 1/2, I run it to the station.   It's a little thing that I know she appreciates, because I've heard her tell her sister that she cannot remember the last time she got gas on her own.

The last time Mrs. Brat filled her car with gas was 53 years ago when she drove her mom to visit family in Dallas.

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tbone_

tbone_ 14128

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Oh, I get it.  THAT approach is hindered by the standard process of "we get where we're going, park the car, I get out....and then my wife lingers inside the car for another 10 fucking minutes putting her shoes back on, rearranging her purse, returning a text to her friend, applying some lip balm, rearranging the change in the cupholder, etc."  So, I can't lock the door like that...because she's still in the car.  I've gotten out of the car, closed the door, and have slowly started the walk to our destination (store, soccer match, wherever).  If I had a fob, I could lock the door from a distance, or at least from outside.

Uh, just get out and start walking?
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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9389

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23 hours ago, ABSR said:

How did he do this before cell phones?

My little town has 1200 people, and our grocery store was a social spot. I can remember using their phone to call my grandmother to come pick us up, and hearing various people paged over the p.a.  “Mr. Smith, your wife is on the phone for you.”  

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SHOOTER12

SHOOTER12 8810

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3 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

My little town has 1200 people, and our grocery store was a social spot. I can remember using their phone to call my grandmother to come pick us up, and hearing various people paged over the p.a.  “Mr. Smith, your wife is on the phone for you.”  

Calling your grandmother to pick you up? How the hell did you get there? Walk mother fucker and leave Grammy alone, she's earned it you spoiled little snot. 

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Trey3216

Trey3216 15347

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2 hours ago, dbagg said:

My wife just ordered a 10 ft tall plastic skeleton Halloween yard decoration that cost a mere $300.  We live in the country and have never had a trick or treater.  

Here’s your chance to order a 5ft tall skeleton and have it give the big man a BJ.   Probably be the next time you get one anyway 

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