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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

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McCroskey
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Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

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From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

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Armybrat

Armybrat 40824

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On 9/28/2023 at 11:41 AM, dbagg said:

My wife just ordered a 10 ft tall plastic skeleton Halloween yard decoration that cost a mere $300.  We live in the country and have never had a trick or treater.  

Being in the country, odds are you don’t need a chicken dinner.

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

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On 9/30/2023 at 1:36 PM, nnm said:

I’m sorry that you don’t have health insurance.  That stinks. I hope you can land a situation soon that will help. No sarcasm. 

To be fair I have health care coverage, I was referring to universal healthcare.  I should just be glad I have a job and shut up.  

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

Posted
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1 hour ago, tejas60 said:

you had to re-wash them the correct way, didn't you?

Sort of, at least while she was looking.  I'm pretty sure no matter what I did, after I left the kitchen she went back and re-did everything to her satisfaction.  Which to me is kind of the whole point - if someone is going to criticize and then re-do something I've already done, what's the point of me doing it in the first place?  Welcome to marriage.  

One time when we were cleaning up I had washed an item that couldn't go into the dishwasher and she actually asked "did you wash that with soap and hot water?"

I gave her the Tommy Jones look and replied "No I just spit on the dirty spots and wiped it real good."  I think she actually believed me.

 

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Pokoloco

Pokoloco 1279

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On 9/30/2023 at 10:56 AM, Crapinon said:

I figured out the best way to get out of "helping" around the house is do a crappy job of whatever requested. She gets mad and says "If you can't do it right, I'll do it myself". 

My dad lived by this. I thought he didn't know how to do shit growing up. He let me in on the secret shortly before he passed.

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tigol

tigol 2395

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Posted
Sort of, at least while she was looking.  I'm pretty sure no matter what I did, after I left the kitchen she went back and re-did everything to her satisfaction.  Which to me is kind of the whole point - if someone is going to criticize and then re-do something I've already done, what's the point of me doing it in the first place?  Welcome to marriage.  
One time when we were cleaning up I had washed an item that couldn't go into the dishwasher and she actually asked "did you wash that with soap and hot water?"
I gave her the Tommy Jones look and replied "No I just spit on the dirty spots and wiped it real good."  I think she actually believed me.
 

My husband pulls this shit. It’s fucking infuriating.

Don’t do this to people you love. For fucks sake.
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T’Boo Ted Marshall

T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732

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Someone upthread mentioned learning to ignore things is a ninja level skill.  My FIL is there as my MIL is a nagging, know it all wench that criticizes every move he makes.  I certainly understand why he spends all day outside or on the boat. My wife even sees it.  

I'm 14 years into marriage and I have not reached that skill level.  

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

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On 10/5/2023 at 11:07 AM, BHMCruiser said:

My dad put kerosene in four consecutive gas powered motors

Bit of a threadjack but...  When I was 14, I started working for this old Czech farmer who happened to be the cheapest tightwad bastard I think I ever met in my life.  I liked him, but most of his stuff was held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  He had a nice house and yard fenced off from the surrounding pastures, probably about an acre and a half or thereabouts which I would mow when we weren't tied up working in his rice fields.  Which was OK when the John Deere riding mower was working.  Well wouldn't you know, something went wrong with the riding mower, and being the cheap bastard that he was he didn't want to haul it the 20 miles to El Campo to get it fixed.  So, guess who had to mow the whole fucking thing with a push mower.  To add insult to injury his manner of saying certain things was lacking.  He'd say "Well we don't got any field work tomorrow, I think I'll let you mow the yard."  Gee thanks I feel so privileged.  

Well after I think the 3rd time I mowed the fucking monstrosity with the push mower, I realized "hey this motherfucker is never going to get pay to get his riding mower fixed, as long as I'm push mowing."  So while I was in a part of the yard he couldn't see down by the little creek, I opened up the oil fill and carefully put a few or maybe more than a few tablespoons of nice black dirt in there.  About 10 minutes later - "Hey boss, the push mower shit the bed!"  

The next week he had the riding mower fixed.  Because it was cheaper than buying a new push mower.

Thanks for listening to my Ted talk.

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Crapinon

Crapinon 2253

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Someone upthread mentioned learning to ignore things is a ninja level skill.  My FIL is there as my MIL is a nagging, know it all wench that criticizes every move he makes.  I certainly understand why he spends all day outside or on the boat. My wife even sees it.  

I'm 14 years into marriage and I have not reached that skill level.  

I learned a valuable lesson from my FIL. Feign deafness. If they think you can't hear them, they'll ask once then just wander off and bitch about you being deaf. Worked on my MIL and now my wife.

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SilasCoade

SilasCoade 2622

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9 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

I learned a valuable lesson from my FIL. Feign deafness. If they think you can't hear them, they'll ask once then just wander off and bitch about you being deaf. Worked on my MIL and now my wife.

I've really committed to this by actually going deaf. Works a treat.

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Samson's Wig

Samson's Wig 3191

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1 hour ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Bit of a threadjack but...  When I was 14, I started working for this old Czech farmer who happened to be the cheapest tightwad bastard I think I ever met in my life.  I liked him, but most of his stuff was held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  He had a nice house and yard fenced off from the surrounding pastures, probably about an acre and a half or thereabouts which I would mow when we weren't tied up working in his rice fields.  Which was OK when the John Deere riding mower was working.  Well wouldn't you know, something went wrong with the riding mower, and being the cheap bastard that he was he didn't want to haul it the 20 miles to El Campo to get it fixed.  So, guess who had to mow the whole fucking thing with a push mower.  To add insult to injury his manner of saying certain things was lacking.  He'd say "Well we don't got any field work tomorrow, I think I'll let you mow the yard."  Gee thanks I feel so privileged.  

Well after I think the 3rd time I mowed the fucking monstrosity with the push mower, I realized "hey this motherfucker is never going to get pay to get his riding mower fixed, as long as I'm push mowing."  So while I was in a part of the yard he couldn't see down by the little creek, I opened up the oil fill and carefully put a few or maybe more than a few tablespoons of nice black dirt in there.  About 10 minutes later - "Hey boss, the push mower shit the bed!"  

The next week he had the riding mower fixed.  Because it was cheaper than buying a new push mower.

Thanks for listening to my Ted talk.

I spent the ages of 8-18 push mowing my parent's acre and half yard once a week.  Your story raises two questions for me:

1.  Why was I too stupid to think of this brilliant solution?

2. Where the fuck were you to give me the heads up?

32 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

I learned a valuable lesson from my FIL. Feign deafness. If they think you can't hear them, they'll ask once then just wander off and bitch about you being deaf. Worked on my MIL and now my wife.

I'm doing this now.  Works beautifully with the kids too.

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54208

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Someone upthread mentioned learning to ignore things is a ninja level skill.  My FIL is there as my MIL is a nagging, know it all wench that criticizes every move he makes.  I certainly understand why he spends all day outside or on the boat. My wife even sees it.  

I'm 14 years into marriage and I have not reached that skill level.  

In time it will come, grasshopper.

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NAVY

NAVY 6740

Posted
Posted
48 minutes ago, Crapinon said:

I learned a valuable lesson from my FIL. Feign deafness. If they think you can't hear them, they'll ask once then just wander off and bitch about you being deaf. Worked on my MIL and now my wife.

Married male pattern deafness. Solid strategy 

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Ojo Rojo

Ojo Rojo 1957

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Posted

This morning, per usual, I was getting kids ready for school.  Wife and I have been solidifying plans for the weekend and waiting to hear from others.

Wife:  Did you hear back from your mom?

Me:  Not yet.

Wife:  (annoyed) Well your phone has been blowing up over here just now.

Me:  So I was supposed to receive the text in my brain while I was getting the kids ready for school?

Wife:  Tone.

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

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1 hour ago, Samson's Wig said:

I spent the ages of 8-18 push mowing my parent's acre and half yard once a week.  Your story raises two questions for me:

1.  Why was I too stupid to think of this brilliant solution?

2. Where the fuck were you to give me the heads up?

I'm doing this now.  Works beautifully with the kids too.

The cool thing about it was, he couldn't tell I did anything, because the gas was clean.  The engine was just sludged up and seized.

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GoPokes83

GoPokes83 2240

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We lost about a third of one on our big trees in high winds yesterday. The branches fell onto the road and I dragged them onto the shoulder. I was out working on my boat behind our barn 150 yards away from the tree when the county came to cut it up and I didn’t notice them. For some reason my wife’s pissed that I didn’t see through a barn, house, golf cart shed and behind a tree when she got home and saw it cut up. “I just don’t understand how could you not see that!!” at least 3 times…Well shit, I just didn’t.

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Superhero

Superhero 8828

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Posted

Last “vacation”, we stayed at a 5-star hotel and paid a SHIT TON of money for the breakfast buffet.

 

I came to Seattle for a Friday meeting. Wife wanted to come with the kids. I told her we should stay at the Hyatt Regency so I didn’t need to move.  Really nice and only $250/night.

But NOOOOO, she booked us in an Embassy Suites because it had complimentary breakfast.

This part of town is pretty sketchy, far from Pikes Place Market and all the other cool touristy places, and it is an absolute shit hole, probably hasn’t been updated since 1974. It’s also $299/night. But hey, it has free breakfast.

 

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ztejas

ztejas 43412

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Posted
10 minutes ago, Superhero said:

Last “vacation”, we stayed at a 5-star hotel and paid a SHIT TON of money for the breakfast buffet.

 

I came to Seattle for a Friday meeting. Wife wanted to come with the kids. I told her we should stay at the Hyatt Regency so I didn’t need to move.  Really nice and only $250/night.

But NOOOOO, she booked us in an Embassy Suites because it had complimentary breakfast.

This part of town is pretty sketchy, far from Pikes Place Market and all the other cool touristy places, and it is an absolute shit hole, probably hasn’t been updated since 1974. It’s also $299/night. But hey, it has free breakfast.

 

Your wife sounds hot. 

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Superhero

Superhero 8828

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Posted
17 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

You haven’t told us this story before. Please tell it again.


“Let’s go down to San Diego, get away from our routine”.

She books the Manchester Hyatt for $400/night (but free parking!). Her and the kids insist upon eating at the breakfast buffet. Fucking $110 for fucking breakfast. And it’s not even THAT great of a fucking breakfast buffet.

We stay in San Diego for < 24 hours and spent a shit ton of money. We live about an hour north of San Diego in Orange County…

 

 

 

 

Back to the current situation. This hotel fucking sucks. Easily the worst hotel I’ve stayed at in the past 15 years (except for a REALLY piece of shit hotel in Fresno next to the train yard). And it’s fucking far from everything worth visiting. We’re gonna pay more $ for Uber.

I’m seething right now because there were a LOT of options that are nicer (and cheaper). But we’re here because FREE BREAKFAST and FREE CHIPS AND SALSA during their happy hour. 

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Beau Vine

Beau Vine 54208

Posted
Posted (edited)
17 minutes ago, Superhero said:


“Let’s go down to San Diego, get away from our routine”.

She books the Manchester Hyatt for $400/night (but free parking!). Her and the kids insist upon eating at the breakfast buffet. Fucking $110 for fucking breakfast. And it’s not even THAT great of a fucking breakfast buffet.

We stay in San Diego for < 24 hours and spent a shit ton of money. We live about an hour north of San Diego in Orange County…

 

 

 

 

Back to the current situation. This hotel fucking sucks. Easily the worst hotel I’ve stayed at in the past 15 years (except for a REALLY piece of shit hotel in Fresno next to the train yard). And it’s fucking far from everything worth visiting. We’re gonna pay more $ for Uber.

I’m seething right now because there were a LOT of options that are nicer (and cheaper). But we’re here because FREE BREAKFAST and FREE CHIPS AND SALSA during their happy hour. 

Does Embassy Suites not still do free alcohol at happy hour?

And if it's the one just north of the football stadium, holy shit, that area is homeless ground zero.

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Kennythetiger

Kennythetiger 9376

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Posted
1 hour ago, ztejas said:

Your wife sounds hot. 

Read back through this thread. She’s supermodel hot. 

4 hours ago, GoPokes83 said:

We lost about a third of one on our big trees in high winds yesterday. The branches fell onto the road and I dragged them onto the shoulder. I was out working on my boat behind our barn 150 yards away from the tree when the county came to cut it up and I didn’t notice them. For some reason my wife’s pissed that I didn’t see through a barn, house, golf cart shed and behind a tree when she got home and saw it cut up. “I just don’t understand how could you not see that!!” at least 3 times…Well shit, I just didn’t.

Why did she care?  

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Modessit

Modessit 5598

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Posted
We lost about a third of one on our big trees in high winds yesterday. The branches fell onto the road and I dragged them onto the shoulder. I was out working on my boat behind our barn 150 yards away from the tree when the county came to cut it up and I didn’t notice them. For some reason my wife’s pissed that I didn’t see through a barn, house, golf cart shed and behind a tree when she got home and saw it cut up. “I just don’t understand how could you not see that!!” at least 3 times…Well shit, I just didn’t.
The better question would have been "you didn't hear them cutting it up?"
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Bevo&Pevo

Bevo&Pevo 5121

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19 hours ago, Judge Roybeanbag said:

Bit of a threadjack but...  When I was 14, I started working for this old Czech farmer who happened to be the cheapest tightwad bastard I think I ever met in my life.  I liked him, but most of his stuff was held together with duct tape and bailing wire.  He had a nice house and yard fenced off from the surrounding pastures, probably about an acre and a half or thereabouts which I would mow when we weren't tied up working in his rice fields.  Which was OK when the John Deere riding mower was working.  Well wouldn't you know, something went wrong with the riding mower, and being the cheap bastard that he was he didn't want to haul it the 20 miles to El Campo to get it fixed.  So, guess who had to mow the whole fucking thing with a push mower.  To add insult to injury his manner of saying certain things was lacking.  He'd say "Well we don't got any field work tomorrow, I think I'll let you mow the yard."  Gee thanks I feel so privileged.  

Well after I think the 3rd time I mowed the fucking monstrosity with the push mower, I realized "hey this motherfucker is never going to get pay to get his riding mower fixed, as long as I'm push mowing."  So while I was in a part of the yard he couldn't see down by the little creek, I opened up the oil fill and carefully put a few or maybe more than a few tablespoons of nice black dirt in there.  About 10 minutes later - "Hey boss, the push mower shit the bed!"  

The next week he had the riding mower fixed.  Because it was cheaper than buying a new push mower.

Thanks for listening to my Ted talk.

His name wasn't P Merta was it?

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CycleTex87

CycleTex87 2967

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On 10/6/2023 at 7:54 PM, Superhero said:

Last “vacation”, we stayed at a 5-star hotel and paid a SHIT TON of money for the breakfast buffet.

 

I came to Seattle for a Friday meeting. Wife wanted to come with the kids. I told her we should stay at the Hyatt Regency so I didn’t need to move.  Really nice and only $250/night.

But NOOOOO, she booked us in an Embassy Suites because it had complimentary breakfast.

This part of town is pretty sketchy, far from Pikes Place Market and all the other cool touristy places, and it is an absolute shit hole, probably hasn’t been updated since 1974. It’s also $299/night. But hey, it has free breakfast.

 

Stayed with my wife at the Westin in downtown Seattle last week while the Astros were in town. I was using points from my many stays at crappier hotels in west Texas.  At check-in they asked if I wanted points or a free breakfast, so went with the breakfast.  Turned out to be the $39/person buffet, and it was legit.  $78/morning avoided! 
 

Score!

 

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LebongJames

LebongJames 1791

Posted
Posted
2 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

Stayed with my wife at the Westin in downtown Seattle last week while the Astros were in town. I was using points from my many stays at crappier hotels in west Texas.  At check-in they asked if I wanted points or a free breakfast, so went with the breakfast.  Turned out to be the $39/person buffet, and it was legit.  $78/morning avoided! 
 

Score!

 

Being lifetime Platinum at Marriott this is my go to. We stayed at a Marriott in Hawaii for 8 nights and they gave us the breakfast buffet every day. $49 per person every day. Probably wouldn’t have eaten there every morning but why not. $800 savings.

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