Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Modessit 5599]

"Are the flags at half-staff because of Matthew Perry?"

[msucolt45 4057]

 

Fng IKEA and their small assed Allen wrenches! All their shrink wrapped pieces of hundreds, just waiting for you to bust open that MFng package!

My Fng MIL bought everything from there, and since I lived in the same town, guess who got to come over and build her puzzle piece of furniture? After the first couple, I told her that it’d cost her a six pack of beer. And I drank most while assembling the shit she bought.

Hook’em!!!

[msucolt45 4057]

What kind of fucking asshole turns down a free, cold, budweiser?  
If some asshole turns up his nose at my offer of a cold bud, I'm kicking him in the nuts and telling him to never come back.

Thank you! There wasn’t a single Dad, out of about 15-20, that turned their nose up to a cold Budweiser on Halloween! We emptied my garage fridge in celebration of Halloween!

Hook’em!!!

[msucolt45 4057]

The Dad’s faces were better receiving a “cold one” than the kids, when I told them to dig in to my bucket of “shitty assed” candy! I didn’t give a shit how much they took, as it was all going into work the next day. After about 48 hours, while at work, if not claimed, it’s in the trash.

Hook’em!!!

[MNLonghornFUKM 8817]

Apparently the Halloween bucket was $30.

No worries. It happened to us last year. But our bucket was one of those cheap ones from Walgreens.

I was more pissed we lost a good puke bucket for the upcoming sick season

[BearSchlong 8083]

And this is the last AA meeting Gil was allowed to attend.

True story.

I had a drinking dream (it’s a thing us recovered alcoholics have from time to time) where I was at an AA meeting and someone showed up with a cold 12 pack of Bud and started passing them around and I was WTF because nobody seemed to notice that someone brought beer to AN AA MEETING! I went through a whole phase of similar dreams about 7 or 8 years ago.



I’m (was) a scotch drinker and I haven’t imbibed alcohol in almost 13 years but if the world was allowed one American Lager beer it should be Budweiser.

[PvilleStang 2875]

On 11/4/2023 at 10:26 PM, BearSchlong said:

True story.

I had a drinking dream (it’s a thing us recovered alcoholics have from time to time) where I was at an AA meeting and someone showed up with a cold 12 pack of Bud and started passing them around and I was WTF because nobody seemed to notice that someone brought beer to AN AA MEETING! I went through a whole phase of similar dreams about 7 or 8 years ago.



I’m (was) a scotch drinker and I haven’t imbibed alcohol in almost 13 years but if the world was allowed one American Lager beer it should be Budweiser.

Dylan Mulvaney thanks you for your loyalty.  I gave up on Inbev when they became an international conglomerate with the interest in taking down craft beer and homebrew suppliers.

[deadshank 24652]

Went in to see the doc yesterday.  Had a MRI scheduled for my shoulder and my dome for separate issues.  Before going in, I could feel a cold coming on.  Cough, slightly runny nose, build up in my sinuses and lungs.   The usual.  

I asked doc if he'd hook me up with a  z pack which he did.  On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick it up and then opened up the package at home and took the first 2-pill dosage.

Wife walks into the kitchen and asks  "what's that?"

I reply "a z pack.  I told you I feel a cold coming on and I want to get ahead of it."

She says "I've noticed you're awful quick to medicate!  Why didn't you take a Sudafed, Zicam, Theraflu or a Mucinex?"

I come back with "aren't those medications, as well?"

And for my efforts I get the classic "I don't like your tone."

and the beat goes on

 

 

 

[Jameslaw121 4448]

2 hours ago, deadshank said:

Went in to see the doc yesterday.  Had a MRI scheduled for my shoulder and my dome for separate issues.  Before going in, I could feel a cold coming on.  Cough, slightly runny nose, build up in my sinuses and lungs.   The usual.  

I asked doc if he'd hook me up with a  z pack which he did.  On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick it up and then opened up the package at home and took the first 2-pill dosage.

Wife walks into the kitchen and asks  "what's that?"

I reply "a z pack.  I told you I feel a cold coming on and I want to get ahead of it."

She says "I've noticed you're awful quick to medicate!  Why didn't you take a Sudafed, Zicam, Theraflu or a Mucinex?"

I come back with "aren't those medications, as well?"

And for my efforts I get the classic "I don't like your tone."

and the beat goes on

 

 

 

My wife is the exact opposite. Me: "I'm a little congested."

Her :"I have laid out 12 different drugs for you and typed up a minute by minute schedule of when you should take each."

 

[honolulu horn 6158]

5 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife is the exact opposite. Me: "I'm a little congested."

Her :"I have laid out 12 different drugs for you and typed up a minute by minute schedule of when you should take each."

 

Mine:

Me: "I have a headache" or "My knee hurts" or "I didn't sleep well"

Her: "It's probably cancer"

[CycleTex87 2967]

You’re going to get sick and die. Just deal with it. 

[Ten Bears 2481]

On 11/2/2023 at 1:08 PM, Brisketexan said:

Last week, was already dealing with the hassle of getting a replacement vehicle after the daughter had a wreck (her fault -- not anything terrible, but the car was old, so not much damage totaled it).  Get a text from wife and daughter -- garage fridge and freezer died.  I ask them to make sure it wasn't a breaker flip.  Nope.  I ask them to use an extension cord to plug it in to an outlet that's working.  Nope, still no juice.  Fine, shuffle everything around to get some inside, and some over to my dad's house, I'll deal with it when I get home (the next day).  I get home late, too tired to mess with it.  Finally, on Saturday, I look it over (having already searched for replacement garage fridge on Craigslist).

Just to check, I run an extension cord inside to an outlet I know is working.  Boom, fridge fires up.  Confused, I go outside.....and see the other outlet they had tested it on.  It's a GFCI protected outlet, and it had been tripped for some reason.  That outlet is connected to the fridge outlet, so both had been offline.  I press the button, plug the fridge in where it usually goes, and all is well.

Yeah, it's on me because I shouldn't have trusted their work.  But still. I asked them to check by plugging it into an outlet they knew was working.  That didn't happen.

At least I didn't have to spend a couple hundred on a replacement fridge.  So, yay.  Freed up my Saturday to shop for and buy a replacement car.

Having a freezer or fridge on a GFCI circuit is a bad idea.  I had half a steer in my garage freezer of a rental house once that was on a GFCI circuit from the bathroom. I never used the outlet to know that it had tripped but noticed it had one day and reset it.  I found out a week later when I went to get some steaks that the meat had thawed and ruined and refrozen when I reset the switch.  200 lbs of the nastiest frozen meat popsicle you have ever seen. Or smelt.

[Brisketexan 105095]

12 minutes ago, Ten Bears said:

Having a freezer or fridge on a GFCI circuit is a bad idea.  I had half a steer in my garage freezer of a rental house once that was on a GFCI circuit from the bathroom. I never used the outlet to know that it had tripped but noticed it had one day and reset it.  I found out a week later when I went to get some steaks that the meat had thawed and ruined and refrozen when I reset the switch.  200 lbs of the nastiest frozen meat popsicle you have ever seen. Or smelt.

Yeah...I'm thinking of running it to another outlet, we have one available nearby.

[Jameslaw121 4448]

28 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Yeah...I'm thinking of running it to another outlet, we have one available nearby.

Maybe plug a lamp into the same outlet as well......

[Brisketexan 105095]

31 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

Maybe plug a lamp into the same outlet as well......

The funny thing is, the outlet I'm thinking of already has a fluorescent work light hooked into it.  But shit....it's on a switch.  Can't risk that being thrown.

Crap.  Gotta think of another option.

[CycleTex87 2967]

1 hour ago, Ten Bears said:

Having a freezer or fridge on a GFCI circuit is a bad idea.  I had half a steer in my garage freezer of a rental house once that was on a GFCI circuit from the bathroom. I never used the outlet to know that it had tripped but noticed it had one day and reset it.  I found out a week later when I went to get some steaks that the meat had thawed and ruined and refrozen when I reset the switch.  200 lbs of the nastiest frozen meat popsicle you have ever seen. Or smelt.

My dad’s freezer full of fish, venison, beef, sausage quit right after he passed away, then sat in the garage all summer in N Texas. We just duct taped the door shut and hauled the whole thing off, ruined food and all.  

[msucolt45 4057]

I was doing my best Chevy Chase “Christmas Vacation” last year. Lights all set up arranged and the “moving shit/stuff” in the front yard wasn’t doing their thing! I thought Mfr after all this time, so I decided to switch out extension cords, thinking the old guy has served his time and money spent. Alas, the brand new green colored extension cord didn’t work either! Having just purchased it about two weeks prior, I asked the “boss” if we still had the receipt, because we bought a defunct extension cord. Just as I was thinking of heading to Home Depot, I remembered the GCI button/outlet in the garage. It was kind of hidden behind a stack of “pack rat” generational stuff, but Shazam! The lights lit up everything and all the moving shit was moving! It’s amazing how something plugged into the front porch area is on the same GCI circuit as the outlet in the garage? Definitely NOT an electrician!

Hook’em!!!

[Gil Bang 25943]

On 11/4/2023 at 8:26 PM, BearSchlong said:

True story.

I had a drinking dream (it’s a thing us recovered alcoholics have from time to time) where I was at an AA meeting and someone showed up with a cold 12 pack of Bud and started passing them around and I was WTF because nobody seemed to notice that someone brought beer to AN AA MEETING! I went through a whole phase of similar dreams about 7 or 8 years ago.



I’m (was) a scotch drinker and I haven’t imbibed alcohol in almost 13 years but if the world was allowed one American Lager beer it should be Budweiser.

David Crosby said that he knew he'd beaten his addiction when he stopped dreaming about relapsing. 

[TrashMaster G 17551]

12 hours ago, deadshank said:

Went in to see the doc yesterday.  Had a MRI scheduled for my shoulder and my dome for separate issues.  Before going in, I could feel a cold coming on.  Cough, slightly runny nose, build up in my sinuses and lungs.   The usual.  

I asked doc if he'd hook me up with a  z pack which he did.  On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick it up and then opened up the package at home and took the first 2-pill dosage.

Wife walks into the kitchen and asks  "what's that?"

I reply "a z pack.  I told you I feel a cold coming on and I want to get ahead of it."

She says "I've noticed you're awful quick to medicate!  Why didn't you take a Sudafed, Zicam, Theraflu or a Mucinex?"

I come back with "aren't those medications, as well?"

And for my efforts I get the classic "I don't like your tone."

and the beat goes on

How was the couch last night?

[Dennis Taylor 18812]

18 hours ago, honolulu horn said:

Mine:

Me: "I have a headache" or "My knee hurts" or "I didn't sleep well"

Her: "It's probably cancer"

[Frank Drebin 5662]

13 hours ago, Gil Bang said:

David Crosby said that he knew he'd beaten his addiction when he stopped dreaming about relapsing. 

I quit drinking cold turkey a couple years ago.  Not an alcoholic as quitting was easy for me for some reason, and I do not miss it at all.  But I did drink several beers most nights of the week for 25 years.  

I still have those dreams every once in awhile.

[Ojo Rojo 1963]

Maybe the thing my wife does that pisses me off the most is not flushing our bathroom toilet after she pees. When I go to use the toilet hours or days later I get the waft of rotten piss and I absolutely hate it. After a while it seems to permeate the toilet so it stinks even after flushing. I used to tell her how much I hated it and I asked her nicely to flush the toilet after she pisses. She ignored me and I stopped saying anything.

Yesterday evening she tells me, "Our bathroom stinks. I think the toilet is leaking or something."  She's implying that I need to look into it. I wanted to tell her, "Yeah, I know it stinks. It's because you never flush the fucking toilet you disgusting, ignorant bitch." But I didn't. I just nodded and walked away.

[Ojo Rojo 1963]

14 hours ago, CycleTex87 said:

My dad’s freezer full of fish, venison, beef, sausage quit right after he passed away, then sat in the garage all summer in N Texas. We just duct taped the door shut and hauled the whole thing off, ruined food and all.  

The fridge at our bayhouse gave out a couple of times...with bags of bait shrimp in the freezer. You haven't lived until you have smelled two-week old rotten bait shrimp baking in the summer heat. Once when this happened the fridge was full of beer and other drinks. The frozen shrimp had thawed and the juice ran down into the fridge. I refused to let it go. Tried to wash all the bottles and cans and clean the fridge. Putrid orange liquid full of maggots. I can still smell it. Never could get the stench off the beer cans either. I tried to drink them, I really did. Every time you'd take a sip you'd get the faintest whiff of bleach and rotten shrimp. Couldn't do it.

[Celery Man 20934]

Always this big “WTF” when her outgoing mail gets ruined and yet there it is again

[tbone_ 14115]

Maybe the thing my wife does that pisses me off the most is not flushing our bathroom toilet after she pees. When I go to use the toilet hours or days later I get the waft of rotten piss and I absolutely hate it. After a while it seems to permeate the toilet so it stinks even after flushing. I used to tell her how much I hated it and I asked her nicely to flush the toilet after she pisses. She ignored me and I stopped saying anything.
Yesterday evening she tells me, "Our bathroom stinks. I think the toilet is leaking or something."  She's implying that I need to look into it. I wanted to tell her, "Yeah, I know it stinks. It's because you never flush the fucking toilet you disgusting, ignorant bitch." But I didn't. I just nodded and walked away.

I’d just start crushing a mule and leaving it behind for her to find. Couple times should clear that right up.

[Sandman 3403]

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Maybe the thing my wife does that pisses me off the most is not flushing our bathroom toilet after she pees. When I go to use the toilet hours or days later I get the waft of rotten piss and I absolutely hate it. After a while it seems to permeate the toilet so it stinks even after flushing. I used to tell her how much I hated it and I asked her nicely to flush the toilet after she pisses. She ignored me and I stopped saying anything.

Yesterday evening she tells me, "Our bathroom stinks. I think the toilet is leaking or something."  She's implying that I need to look into it. I wanted to tell her, "Yeah, I know it stinks. It's because you never flush the fucking toilet you disgusting, ignorant bitch." But I didn't. I just nodded and walked away.

My mom (RIP) used to do this. I would go to the bathroom in the morning before I got ready for school and find it. When I complained, she said "I have to get up and pee during the night and I don't flush because the noise will wake me up more and I won't be able to get back to sleep afterwards."  I said that made no sense and she would not respond but instead she'd act like the opinion of her teenaged son meant nothing, which was the damn truth. 

[NorthLoop 14190]

2 hours ago, Frank Drebin said:

Not an alcoholic 

 

 

But I did drink several beers most nights of the week for 25 years.  

I still have those dreams every once in awhile.

I've got news for you. 

[Frank Drebin 5662]

6 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

I've got news for you. 

Maybe so.  But I rarely got drunk.  And quitting was easy for me. I quit for health reasons and could not be happier about the choice.

I don't think I have an addictive personality.

[AUS-97HORN 11757]

17 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

The funny thing is, the outlet I'm thinking of already has a fluorescent work light hooked into it.  But shit....it's on a switch.  Can't risk that being thrown.

Crap.  Gotta think of another option.

now I know we are dealing with irrational non-engineering wimmens here,  but hear me out....

how about you use that outlet that has the switch, but you  duct tape that fucking thing in the on position with DONT sharpie'd on....

 

 

[BearSchlong 8083]

David Crosby said that he knew he'd beaten his addiction when he stopped dreaming about relapsing. 

I had my first relapse dream in a long while last night, probably because of my posts on this thread.

[PvilleStang 2875]

23 hours ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife is the exact opposite. Me: "I'm a little congested."

Her :"I have laid out 12 different drugs for you and typed up a minute by minute schedule of when you should take each."

 

How many of those pills were rat poison?  She's gunning for the life insurance!

[PvilleStang 2875]

1 hour ago, AUS-97HORN said:

now I know we are dealing with irrational non-engineering wimmens here,  but hear me out....

how about you use that outlet that has the switch, but you  duct tape that fucking thing in the on position with DONT sharpie'd on....

 

 

Do you know where the sharpie's been?!  You're better off taking the switch out and twisting / capping the wires.

[Gil Bang 25943]

2 hours ago, Frank Drebin said:

Maybe so.  But I rarely got drunk.  And quitting was easy for me. I quit for health reasons and could not be happier about the choice.

I don't think I have an addictive personality.

Truthfully, you don't have much personality at all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

j/k

Edited November 9, 2023 by Gil Bang

[Frank Drebin 5662]

2 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

Truthfully, you don't have much personality at all. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

j/k

[Jameslaw121 4448]

42 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

I had my first relapse dream in a long while last night, probably because of my posts on this thread.

I quite smoking about 5 years ago. I still have a cigar about once a year if something major happens. There was a time about a month ago I dreamt I was back in my old smoking bar drinking. I woke up and could taste it. For about 15 minutes I felt like I was back on day three of quitting.

43 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

How many of those pills were rat poison?  She's gunning for the life insurance!

I'm pretty sure one was for an inner ear infection our puppy had 4 years ago.

[tbone_ 14115]

Htf would one even know a dog has an ear infection?

[rage-a-holic 4382]

3 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Htf would one even know a dog has an ear infection?

They go fucking crazy trying to scratch their ears. I had 2 GSPs with recurring ear infections.

[royiv 9285]

On 11/8/2023 at 11:58 AM, deadshank said:

Went in to see the doc yesterday.  Had a MRI scheduled for my shoulder and my dome for separate issues.  Before going in, I could feel a cold coming on.  Cough, slightly runny nose, build up in my sinuses and lungs.   The usual.  

I asked doc if he'd hook me up with a  z pack which he did.  On the way home, I stopped at Walgreens to pick it up and then opened up the package at home and took the first 2-pill dosage.

Wife walks into the kitchen and asks  "what's that?"

I reply "a z pack.  I told you I feel a cold coming on and I want to get ahead of it."

She says "I've noticed you're awful quick to medicate!  Why didn't you take a Sudafed, Zicam, Theraflu or a Mucinex?"

I come back with "aren't those medications, as well?"

And for my efforts I get the classic "I don't like your tone."

and the beat goes on

 

 

 

In her defense, that Z-pack isn't going to do shit if you truly have a cold. An antibiotic isn't going to touch a virus. At least Sudafed, mucinex, etc treat the symptoms of a cold rather than taking a worthless antibiotic for a virus.

[deadshank 24652]

1 minute ago, royiv said:

In her defense, that Z-pack isn't going to do shit if you truly have a cold. An antibiotic isn't going to touch a virus. At least Sudafed, mucinex, etc treat the symptoms of a cold rather than taking a worthless antibiotic for a virus.

Are you her paid spokesman?  Joke's on you.  She's always broke and you won't be paid.

[PvilleStang 2875]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

Htf would one even know a dog has an ear infection?

The smell.  They scratch their ears like crazy, and if you look in them, you'll see the build-up, and it smells like the nether regions of a Vic Mackey Thursday night fling.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21897]

My dog Sebastian had an ear infection, and he did not fucking like me putting the drops in his ears.  He weights 70+ and it took both me and my teenage son to hold him down while my daughter put the drops in.  After the first couple of times, he would see me get the drops, and then we would have to chase him around the house, and then all pile on top of him.

[Buzzrock 14917]

Yesterday my 17 yr old daughter ran a yellow light in her new car with my wife in the passenger seat, wife yells, daughter panics and guns it and swipes a curb and breaks both right wheels and deploys the side curtain air bag. That’s what I came home to last night after a broken plane at DFW in the morning and finally getting out of DAL 8 hours later. With the flu.

Fast forward and my wife just texted me that she got a speeding ticket on the way to a girls beach weekend. In my new car.

I’m opening a bottle of something.

[tbone_ 14115]

What kind of car did you get the daughter? Asking as the parent of a soon to be 17yo daughter.

[Buzzrock 14917]

7 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

What kind of car did you get the daughter? Asking as the parent of a soon to be 17yo daughter.

2020 Mazda CX-5. Seems to be a popular choice amongst our parent friends circle. I can make you a good deal on one with two good rims and a deployed airbag. 

[nnm 36360]

7 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

What kind of car did you get the daughter? Asking as the parent of a soon to be 17yo daughter.

It’s been a number of years since our daughter was first driving, but my four criteria were, in order of importance: 1) new enough to be reliable; 2) 5* safety rating 3) big enough to stand its own in a fender bender; and 4) stick shift. Back then it was a used Nissan Rogue. Getting a cute little mini cooper, fiat, etc., was a non-starter. She gets hit in one of those, it’s game over. 
I wasn’t able to find a stick shift for my daughters. Later, I  did get my son a stick shift Colorado when he started driving. Awesome decision. It’s pretty guaranteed that he’ll be the only one driving it, because no other kids can drive a stick. 

[Kennythetiger 9377]

3 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Htf would one even know a dog has an ear infection?

You’ll know 

[tbone_ 14115]

2020 Mazda CX-5. Seems to be a popular choice amongst our parent friends circle. I can make you a good deal on one with two good rims and a deployed airbag. 

We’re looking at the Hyundai Tucson. Which appears to have been squirted out of the same machine as the CX5 and whole bunch of other whatevers.

[Buzzrock 14917]

7 hours ago, tbone_ said:

We’re looking at the Hyundai Tucson. Which appears to have been squirted out of the same machine as the CX5 and whole bunch of other whatevers.

My mechanic said the reliability on the Korean cars isn’t great. But he also said the Mazda is not quite as good as Honda and Toyota. 

[Fudbelty 2788]

Maybe the thing my wife does that pisses me off the most is not flushing our bathroom toilet after she pees. When I go to use the toilet hours or days later I get the waft of rotten piss and I absolutely hate it. After a while it seems to permeate the toilet so it stinks even after flushing. I used to tell her how much I hated it and I asked her nicely to flush the toilet after she pisses. She ignored me and I stopped saying anything.
Yesterday evening she tells me, "Our bathroom stinks. I think the toilet is leaking or something."  She's implying that I need to look into it. I wanted to tell her, "Yeah, I know it stinks. It's because you never flush the fucking toilet you disgusting, ignorant bitch." But I didn't. I just nodded and walked away.

Stay out of my house.

[Fudbelty 2788]

This is a doozy and I’ll try to keep it short.

Thanks to daylight savings ending I’ve been waking up at 4:30 instead of 5:30. So yesterday I wake up. Lay in bed for a bit then decide to get up and head in to the office early since it was going to be a short day anyway.

I get ready and leave the room all while wife was asleep When I get to the kitchen to grab keys and badge I realize something doesn’t sound right. I investigate appliances and wasn’t that. Move on to laundry room and not that either. Finally realize it’s in the garage and it’s the fucking high water alarm for the septic.

Stand there for a minute to decide do I finally call someone or go remedy myself. Remedy myself wins out. So back to the room I go. Change jeans, put on different shirt, put on boots instead and even my outside “working” hat.

Go outside where it’s rainy pull truck over so I could use the lights to see, turn on water hose, pull the pump, clean off the screen and pump(I need to have all three tanks pumped) put it back, turn truck so I can watch sprinklers to make sure we’re good. Sprinklers stop, go turn alarm back on, and we’re good to go.

Go back inside, go to bathroom don’t see wife so I figured she was waking the kids up. Showered and put the work clothes back on. Gather stuff back up and I’m ready to go. Asked the the son where mom was and he said in the restroom. So I just leave because I’m not messing with her while she’s dropping a deuce.

About 9:00 at work I started getting texts. How dare you leave in the middle of the night. You come back shower, and don’t say anything. Blah blah. I’m done blah blah. Either you find somewhere to go or I will.

Of course I tell her she’s wrong. Exactly what I did. The her response was “well you should have told me that’s what you were doing”. FML.