Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[uoftorange 1386]

11 minutes ago, Fudbelty said:

This is a doozy and I’ll try to keep it short.

Thanks to daylight savings ending I’ve been waking up at 4:30 instead of 5:30. So yesterday I wake up. Lay in bed for a bit then decide to get up and head in to the office early since it was going to be a short day anyway.

I get ready and leave the room all while wife was asleep When I get to the kitchen to grab keys and badge I realize something doesn’t sound right. I investigate appliances and wasn’t that. Move on to laundry room and not that either. Finally realize it’s in the garage and it’s the fucking high water alarm for the septic.

Stand there for a minute to decide do I finally call someone or go remedy myself. Remedy myself wins out. So back to the room I go. Change jeans, put on different shirt, put on boots instead and even my outside “working” hat.

Go outside where it’s rainy pull truck over so I could use the lights to see, turn on water hose, pull the pump, clean off the screen and pump(I need to have all three tanks pumped) put it back, turn truck so I can watch sprinklers to make sure we’re good. Sprinklers stop, go turn alarm back on, and we’re good to go.

Go back inside, go to bathroom don’t see wife so I figured she was waking the kids up. Showered and put the work clothes back on. Gather stuff back up and I’m ready to go. Asked the the son where mom was and he said in the restroom. So I just leave because I’m not messing with her while she’s dropping a deuce.

About 9:00 at work I started getting texts. How dare you leave in the middle of the night. You come back shower, and don’t say anything. Blah blah. I’m done blah blah. Either you find somewhere to go or I will.

Of course I tell her she’s wrong. Exactly what I did. The her response was “well you should have told me that’s what you were doing”. FML.

Uhh, have you cheated on her before or something?  Or just woman brain going to the worst possible scenario??

[Kennythetiger 9381]

I thought he was just bragging about it raining at his house. 

[Beau Vine 54220]

17 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Htf would one even know a dog has an ear infection?

I see that you've never had a Golden.

[Beau Vine 54220]

18 hours ago, BearSchlong said:

I had my first relapse dream in a long while last night, probably because of my posts on this thread.

Last night, I dreamed that I'd been drinking
Same dream I have 'bout twice a week
I had one glass of wine
I woke up feeling fine
And that's how I knew it was a dream

Last night, I dreamed that I'd been drinking
Cold burn of whiskey down my throat
My hand turned into a rattlesnake
And I laughed myself awake
And that's how I knew it was a joke

[Fudbelty 2788]

Uhh, have you cheated on her before or something?  Or just woman brain going to the worst possible scenario??

Guess it’s option two. Never cheated.

[Dennis Taylor 18819]

15 hours ago, nnm said:

It’s been a number of years since our daughter was first driving, but my four criteria were, in order of importance: 1) new enough to be reliable; 2) 5* safety rating 3) big enough to stand its own in a fender bender; and 4) stick shift. Back then it was a used Nissan Rogue. Getting a cute little mini cooper, fiat, etc., was a non-starter. She gets hit in one of those, it’s game over. 
I wasn’t able to find a stick shift for my daughters. Later, I  did get my son a stick shift Colorado when he started driving. Awesome decision. It’s pretty guaranteed that he’ll be the only one driving it, because no other kids can drive a stick. 

Stick shift is like an anti-theft device nowadays. Awhile back these assholes carjacked someone early in the day and were later spotted and were getting chased by the cops and news helicopters were following.  They ditched the car and jacked the first car in line at Burger King. They made it about 25 feet because he couldn't drive a stick and got caught- it was glorious 

 

[Jameslaw121 4448]

3 hours ago, Buzzrock said:

My mechanic said the reliability on the Korean cars isn’t great. But he also said the Mazda is not quite as good as Honda and Toyota. 

When I was around 20, my dad went with me to car shop since he was going to have to cosign. Salesman was really pushing the Kia's

Salesman : Did you hear about the 100,000 mile warranty?

Dad : I heard they need one.

[Brothahorn 10087]

My mom (RIP) used to do this. I would go to the bathroom in the morning before I got ready for school and find it. When I complained, she said "I have to get up and pee during the night and I don't flush because the noise will wake me up more and I won't be able to get back to sleep afterwards."  I said that made no sense and she would not respond but instead she'd act like the opinion of her teenaged son meant nothing, which was the damn truth. 

My mom does this and tries to use the 'don't want to fill up the septic tank' excuse. Old woman piss is strong.

[Armybrat 40840]

23 hours ago, Frank Drebin said:

Maybe so.  But I rarely got drunk.  And quitting was easy for me. I quit for health reasons and could not be happier about the choice.

I don't think I have an addictive personality.

You’re well underway by posting here like the rest of us. 😃

[Sandman 3403]

2 hours ago, Dennis Taylor said:

Stick shift is like an anti-theft device nowadays. Awhile back these assholes carjacked someone early in the day and were later spotted and were getting chased by the cops and news helicopters were following.  They ditched the car and jacked the first car in line at Burger King. They made it about 25 feet because he couldn't drive a stick and got caught- it was glorious 

 

This happened to my wife's cousin except when the carjackers saw it was a stick and knew they couldn't drive the car, they killed her cousin. This was in the 90s, one of them is still locked up.

[Upgrayedd 5810]

It’s not the flushing that wakes me up, it’s the flopping around and the rearranging of a dozen pillows when she gets back into bed that is the issue.

[Dennis Taylor 18819]

39 minutes ago, Sandman said:

This happened to my wife's cousin except when the carjackers saw it was a stick and knew they couldn't drive the car, they killed her cousin. This was in the 90s, one of them is still locked up.

Shit that's awful...none of them should ever get out

[nnm 36388]

On 10/23/2023 at 9:52 AM, BHMCruiser said:

We recently renovated some bathrooms. I went through this same excruciating process (including her making the painters paint three different times) and finally just took the book, flipped it open to a good color, pointed and said "this is the color we want." My wife got mad at how little I cared and now everybody who visits talks about how amazing the bathroom color is and she visibly steams. 

Picking up some stuff at East Texas Brick in Tyler. This is in the checkout area. 

[Modessit 5600]

About 9:00 at work I started getting texts. How dare you leave in the middle of the night. You come back shower, and don’t say anything. Blah blah. I’m done blah blah. Either you find somewhere to go or I will.

Of course I tell her she’s wrong. Exactly what I did. The her response was “well you should have told me that’s what you were doing”. FML.

Sounds like projection. Who's she banging?

[Crapinon 2257]

7 hours ago, Fudbelty said:

This is a doozy and I’ll try to keep it short.

Thanks to daylight savings ending I’ve been waking up at 4:30 instead of 5:30. So yesterday I wake up. Lay in bed for a bit then decide to get up and head in to the office early since it was going to be a short day anyway.

I get ready and leave the room all while wife was asleep When I get to the kitchen to grab keys and badge I realize something doesn’t sound right. I investigate appliances and wasn’t that. Move on to laundry room and not that either. Finally realize it’s in the garage and it’s the fucking high water alarm for the septic.

Stand there for a minute to decide do I finally call someone or go remedy myself. Remedy myself wins out. So back to the room I go. Change jeans, put on different shirt, put on boots instead and even my outside “working” hat.

Go outside where it’s rainy pull truck over so I could use the lights to see, turn on water hose, pull the pump, clean off the screen and pump(I need to have all three tanks pumped) put it back, turn truck so I can watch sprinklers to make sure we’re good. Sprinklers stop, go turn alarm back on, and we’re good to go.

Go back inside, go to bathroom don’t see wife so I figured she was waking the kids up. Showered and put the work clothes back on. Gather stuff back up and I’m ready to go. Asked the the son where mom was and he said in the restroom. So I just leave because I’m not messing with her while she’s dropping a deuce.

About 9:00 at work I started getting texts. How dare you leave in the middle of the night. You come back shower, and don’t say anything. Blah blah. I’m done blah blah. Either you find somewhere to go or I will.

Of course I tell her she’s wrong. Exactly what I did. The her response was “well you should have told me that’s what you were doing”. FML.

Just take a play out of the official woman's handbook and remind her about the time she was horribly wrong,  every time she accuses you of something. 

[Fudbelty 2788]

Sounds like projection. Who's she banging?

No clue. I’ll ask, bet she tells me.

Just take a play out of the official woman's handbook and remind her about the time she was horribly wrong,  every time she accuses you of something. 

No apology or anything. Although I got a BJ out of nowhere from her today. Used two hands and everything. Suppose that’s her way of apologizing.

[tbone_ 14119]

Surprisingly effective apology

[Gil Bang 25951]

22 hours ago, tbone_ said:

We’re looking at the Hyundai Tucson. Which appears to have been squirted out of the same machine as the CX5 and whole bunch of other whatevers.

Check out insurability.  I don't claim to be an expert, but I've heard that "Kia Boyz" have made it tough to get insurance for those things because they can be. and are.  stolen so easily. 

[Buzzrock 14920]

TIL: deployed airbags can be enough to total a car. Still awaiting final word.

[Sam Lin 3556]

On older cars they're the easiest way to total a car, as replacing them costs so much of the car's remaining value.

[nnm 36388]

Power move from this wife. Probably not true, but is a good idea. 

[nnm 36388]

FAFO

[Jerry Callo 8701]

Undefeated

[TrashMaster G 17554]

On 11/10/2023 at 7:51 AM, Fudbelty said:

This is a doozy and I’ll try to keep it short.

Thanks to daylight savings ending I’ve been waking up at 4:30 instead of 5:30. So yesterday I wake up. Lay in bed for a bit then decide to get up and head in to the office early since it was going to be a short day anyway.

I get ready and leave the room all while wife was asleep When I get to the kitchen to grab keys and badge I realize something doesn’t sound right. I investigate appliances and wasn’t that. Move on to laundry room and not that either. Finally realize it’s in the garage and it’s the fucking high water alarm for the septic.

Stand there for a minute to decide do I finally call someone or go remedy myself. Remedy myself wins out. So back to the room I go. Change jeans, put on different shirt, put on boots instead and even my outside “working” hat.

Go outside where it’s rainy pull truck over so I could use the lights to see, turn on water hose, pull the pump, clean off the screen and pump(I need to have all three tanks pumped) put it back, turn truck so I can watch sprinklers to make sure we’re good. Sprinklers stop, go turn alarm back on, and we’re good to go.

Go back inside, go to bathroom don’t see wife so I figured she was waking the kids up. Showered and put the work clothes back on. Gather stuff back up and I’m ready to go. Asked the the son where mom was and he said in the restroom. So I just leave because I’m not messing with her while she’s dropping a deuce.

About 9:00 at work I started getting texts. How dare you leave in the middle of the night. You come back shower, and don’t say anything. Blah blah. I’m done blah blah. Either you find somewhere to go or I will.

Of course I tell her she’s wrong. Exactly what I did. The her response was “well you should have told me that’s what you were doing”. FML.

She has issues.

Not even kidding. 

[TrashMaster G 17554]

On 11/10/2023 at 9:45 AM, Jameslaw121 said:

When I was around 20, my dad went with me to car shop since he was going to have to cosign. Salesman was really pushing the Kia's

Salesman : Did you hear about the 100,000 mile warranty?

Dad : I heard they need one.

Pushing the Kia's what?

[Sam Lin 3556]

55 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Pushing the Kia's what?

buttons.

[Jameslaw121 4448]

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

Pushing the Kia's what?

reliability, I actually meant to type that

 

[Fudbelty 2788]

4 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

She has issues.

Not even kidding. 

No shit. She married me. 

[WhatTheBuck 28779]

On 11/15/2023 at 7:54 AM, nnm said:

FAFO

Dial M. 

[GoPokes83 2240]

Headed to Houston tomorrow to hopefully watch my Pokes put the final nail in Holgy’s tenure there. I enjoy going to games there because even though UH is ghetto adjacent it has to be the cheapest place you can attend a B12 game, plus it’s under 2 hours instead of a full 9 to Stilly. So last week I’m looking at tickets and find some on the 45, aisle seats row 7 for around 65 bucks ( less fees of course) with a parking pass and ask my wife to buy them. A couple of hours later I ask her if she bought them and she reminded me that my kid likes the 2nd level because she thinks she can see better, plus they’re half the cost. (There are tickets for this game for 4 bucks on StubHub) Says she found some on the first row and she was going to buy those. I didn’t tell her that row 1 will have people walking in front of you all game, just said ok and decided to pick my next battle on something else. Last night she tells me she wished she’d waited to buy because there look to be better deals. I tell her there usually is closer to game day but what we have will be fine. She tells me that the better seats are “closer to the middle”, and ours are on the 7 yard line. I kept my goddamn mouth shut but holy shit row 7 on the 45, and 2nd level 7 yard line are not the same thing by a long freaking way! Plus now I get to find and pay for parking!!

[NeverMarryAStripper 21906]

For the Texas game, I parked in a theatre district garage downtown, and my daughter and I rode the train to UH.  It was a little crowded after the game, but I would imagine the OSU game wouldn't be as crowded.  It worked out very well

[TrashMaster G 17554]

1 hour ago, GoPokes83 said:

Headed to Houston tomorrow to hopefully watch my Pokes put the final nail in Holgy’s tenure there. I enjoy going to games there because even though UH is ghetto adjacent it has to be the cheapest place you can attend a B12 game, plus it’s under 2 hours instead of a full 9 to Stilly. So last week I’m looking at tickets and find some on the 45, aisle seats row 7 for around 65 bucks ( less fees of course) with a parking pass and ask my wife to buy them. A couple of hours later I ask her if she bought them and she reminded me that my kid likes the 2nd level because she thinks she can see better, plus they’re half the cost. (There are tickets for this game for 4 bucks on StubHub) Says she found some on the first row and she was going to buy those. I didn’t tell her that row 1 will have people walking in front of you all game, just said ok and decided to pick my next battle on something else. Last night she tells me she wished she’d waited to buy because there look to be better deals. I tell her there usually is closer to game day but what we have will be fine. She tells me that the better seats are “closer to the middle”, and ours are on the 7 yard line. I kept my goddamn mouth shut but holy shit row 7 on the 45, and 2nd level 7 yard line are not the same thing by a long freaking way! Plus now I get to find and pay for parking!!

Dude, this is 100% on you.

Who puts their wife in charge of ticket-buying?  I mean, WTF?

[SHOOTER12 8806]

On 11/9/2023 at 10:04 AM, Ojo Rojo said:

Maybe the thing my wife does that pisses me off the most is not flushing our bathroom toilet after she pees. When I go to use the toilet hours or days later I get the waft of rotten piss and I absolutely hate it. After a while it seems to permeate the toilet so it stinks even after flushing. I used to tell her how much I hated it and I asked her nicely to flush the toilet after she pisses. She ignored me and I stopped saying anything.

Yesterday evening she tells me, "Our bathroom stinks. I think the toilet is leaking or something."  She's implying that I need to look into it. I wanted to tell her, "Yeah, I know it stinks. It's because you never flush the fucking toilet you disgusting, ignorant bitch." But I didn't. I just nodded and walked away.

Mine used to bitch at me for flushing because it woke her up. Then she started bitching because I didn't flush. Now she bitches if I piss in the yard. Next strategy will involve pissing on her and her pillow.

Edited November 17, 2023 by SHOOTER12

[Jameslaw121 4448]

9 minutes ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Mine used to bitch at me for flushing because it woke her up. Then she started bitching because I didn't flush. Now she bitches if I piss in the yard. Next strategy will involve pissing on her and her pillow.

She German?

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

1 hour ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Mine used to bitch at me for flushing because it woke her up. Then she started bitching because I didn't flush. Now she bitches if I piss in the yard. Next strategy will involve pissing on her and her pillow.

Sounds like she'd bitch if you gave her a golden shower.

[Brisketexan 105123]

Oh FFS.

Today, we drove to Dallas (wedding -- I'm working most of the day now that we're here).  We drove her car, an SUV.  And, when we stopped on the way for a coffee and kolache, she says "hold on, while we go inside, I'm going to go ahead and put my purse in the back under the cargo cover, for safety."  She goes to do so, and I remind her "well, the keys are in your purse....so....we don't want to close them in here, and I can't lock the car without them....."  This ALWAYS happens when we drive her car.  She responds "okay, you have to be the control freak, here, take the keys."  No, it's not about me being a control freak...it's LITERALLY ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO FUCKING LOCK THE CAR, BECAUSE YOU WON'T DO IT, AND SOMEBODY FUCKING HAS TO.  She gave me the keys.  That works much better.

And the other fun part....to get in and out of the cargo hatch, we first have to lower her bike rack.  The bike rack that hasn't carried a bike in TWO FUCKING YEARS, because now she leaves the road bike at home, and just does spin class.  So why is the bike rack still on there?  Yeah, beats the fuck outta me.

[Modessit 5600]

Oh FFS.
Today, we drove to Dallas (wedding -- I'm working most of the day now that we're here).  We drove her car, an SUV.  And, when we stopped on the way for a coffee and kolache, she says "hold on, while we go inside, I'm going to go ahead and put my purse in the back under the cargo cover, for safety."  She goes to do so, and I remind her "well, the keys are in your purse....so....we don't want to close them in here, and I can't lock the car without them....."  This ALWAYS happens when we drive her car.  She responds "okay, you have to be the control freak, here, take the keys."  No, it's not about me being a control freak...it's LITERALLY ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO FUCKING LOCK THE CAR, BECAUSE YOU WON'T DO IT, AND SOMEBODY FUCKING HAS TO.  She gave me the keys.  That works much better.
And the other fun part....to get in and out of the cargo hatch, we first have to lower her bike rack.  The bike rack that hasn't carried a bike in TWO FUCKING YEARS, because now she leaves the road bike at home, and just does spin class.  So why is the bike rack still on there?  Yeah, beats the fuck outta me.

Because you haven't taken it off yet. Duh.

[uoftorange 1386]

1 hour ago, Modessit said:

2 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh FFS.
Today, we drove to Dallas (wedding -- I'm working most of the day now that we're here).  We drove her car, an SUV.  And, when we stopped on the way for a coffee and kolache, she says "hold on, while we go inside, I'm going to go ahead and put my purse in the back under the cargo cover, for safety."  She goes to do so, and I remind her "well, the keys are in your purse....so....we don't want to close them in here, and I can't lock the car without them....."  This ALWAYS happens when we drive her car.  She responds "okay, you have to be the control freak, here, take the keys."  No, it's not about me being a control freak...it's LITERALLY ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO FUCKING LOCK THE CAR, BECAUSE YOU WON'T DO IT, AND SOMEBODY FUCKING HAS TO.  She gave me the keys.  That works much better.
And the other fun part....to get in and out of the cargo hatch, we first have to lower her bike rack.  The bike rack that hasn't carried a bike in TWO FUCKING YEARS, because now she leaves the road bike at home, and just does spin class.  So why is the bike rack still on there?  Yeah, beats the fuck outta me.

Because you haven't taken it off yet. Duh.

Seems like you have a 5 minute chore this evening.  Then see how long it takes her to notice it's gone

[ABSR 5311]

1 minute ago, uoftorange said:

Seems like you have a 5 minute chore this evening.  Then see how long it takes her to notice it's gone

...and then complain about you removing it because she was going to take the bike out for a ride sometime (undetermined) soon.

[uoftorange 1386]

4 hours ago, ABSR said:

...and then complain about you removing it because she was going to take the bike out for a ride sometime (undetermined) soon.

That's an easy one.  "No problem babe, just tell me right before you need it and I'll reinstall" and nothing will ever happen

[GoPokes83 2240]

Dude, this is 100% on you.
Who puts their wife in charge of ticket-buying?  I mean, WTF?

“Here’s the link, please order these” doesn’t seem that out of line of a request for someone with decades of govt purchasing experience. But you’re 100% right, when she said she was buying in the upper level because of the kid and there were good deals I ASS-umed she meant directly above where I asked her to purchase or at least in the same proximity as there were (Still are I’m sure) tons of seats available on the visitors side. Oh well, just another ankle roll along the trail to marital bliss.

[Modessit 5600]

Buy some more tickets for you where you want them, then tell her you'll wave at her when she sits up top.

[TrashMaster G 17554]

12 hours ago, GoPokes83 said:

“Here’s the link, please order these” doesn’t seem that out of line of a request for someone with decades of govt purchasing experience. But you’re 100% right, when she said she was buying in the upper level because of the kid and there were good deals I ASS-umed she meant directly above where I asked her to purchase or at least in the same proximity as there were (Still are I’m sure) tons of seats available on the visitors side. Oh well, just another ankle roll along the trail to marital bliss.

That is the absolute definition of FAFO.

[Frank Drebin 5656]

20 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Oh FFS.

Today, we drove to Dallas (wedding -- I'm working most of the day now that we're here).  We drove her car, an SUV.  And, when we stopped on the way for a coffee and kolache, she says "hold on, while we go inside, I'm going to go ahead and put my purse in the back under the cargo cover, for safety."  She goes to do so, and I remind her "well, the keys are in your purse....so....we don't want to close them in here, and I can't lock the car without them....."  This ALWAYS happens when we drive her car.  She responds "okay, you have to be the control freak, here, take the keys."  No, it's not about me being a control freak...it's LITERALLY ABOUT ME BEING ABLE TO FUCKING LOCK THE CAR, BECAUSE YOU WON'T DO IT, AND SOMEBODY FUCKING HAS TO.  She gave me the keys.  That works much better.

And the other fun part....to get in and out of the cargo hatch, we first have to lower her bike rack.  The bike rack that hasn't carried a bike in TWO FUCKING YEARS, because now she leaves the road bike at home, and just does spin class.  So why is the bike rack still on there?  Yeah, beats the fuck outta me.

She drives around town with a bike rack on her SUV?  What an ass whip.

Jesus, I use mine when I got to mountains for the summer.  And take that shit off 5 minutes after I get there.

[markstanco 12577]

This shit drives me crazy. This is the trash can in the garage:



The white trash bag is from the kitchen. She will put the kitchen garbage in the garage garbage and waste a garbage bag. The outside trash cans are 50 feet away by the garage door. Yes I removed the white to the outside.

[Kwix 2186]

23 minutes ago, markstanco said:

This shit drives me crazy. This is the trash can in the garage:



The white trash bag is from the kitchen. She will put the kitchen garbage in the garage garbage and waste a garbage bag. The outside trash cans are 50 feet away by the garage door. Yes I removed the white to the outside.

Wait.  Are you saying your wife will carry a bag of trash from the kitchen out to the garage.  Nice fucking humble-brag.

[NAVY 6740]

22 hours ago, markstanco said:

This shit drives me crazy. This is the trash can in the garage:



The white trash bag is from the kitchen. She will put the kitchen garbage in the garage garbage and waste a garbage bag. The outside trash cans are 50 feet away by the garage door. Yes I removed the white to the outside.

That rug is really holding the room together man 

 

Edited November 19, 2023 by NAVY

[markstanco 12577]

I appreciate that brother. I do try.

[huge 3793]

*together

[Beau Vine 54220]

Driving to Colorado for about a month today.  Wife said she needed at least 2 hours to get packed up and ready.  She's packing like we're going to be completely separated from civilization for a month, rather than going to a Denver suburbs.  I just decided not to say anything...took a lot of restraint when I saw her carrying a lamp out to the car.