Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[ABSR 5309]

44 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

Driving to Colorado for about a month today.  Wife said she needed at least 2 hours to get packed up and ready.  She's packing like we're going to be completely separated from civilization for a month, rather than going to a Denver suburbs.  I just decided not to say anything...took a lot of restraint when I saw her carrying a lamp out to the car.

The lights not the same there.  Completely different time zone. 

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

Driving to Colorado for about a month today.  Wife said she needed at least 2 hours to get packed up and ready.  She's packing like we're going to be completely separated from civilization for a month, rather than going to a Denver suburbs.  I just decided not to say anything...took a lot of restraint when I saw her carrying a lamp out to the car.

Pretty bold of her to think that they have electricity and properly configured outlets.

[NorthLoop 14190]

1 hour ago, Beau Vine said:

Driving to Colorado for about a month today.  Wife said she needed at least 2 hours to get packed up and ready.  She's packing like we're going to be completely separated from civilization for a month, rather than going to a Denver suburbs.  I just decided not to say anything...took a lot of restraint when I saw her carrying a lamp out to the car.

My wife does this for a weekend trip

[Lone Star Horn 2016]

I was out of town. Wife saw a bird perched on the neighbor's roof. She usually lets the cat sit outside on the patio in the morning, nice and cool in the Phoenix metro. She made sure that the cat was back in the house. She sent me the video, and asked me if I could tell what kind of bird it was. iPhone video to my Samsung phone sucks, so it was hard to tell. She knew it wasn't an owl. She's afraid of the cat getting taken by an owl or similar.

I saw the better video on her phone today. I told her it looked like a falcon or hawk. She asked me in all seriousness, if I was sure that it wasn't a phoenix. ???? I looked at her like huh?? I asked her if she knew what a phoenix was? She said that she thought so. I straight up told her that a phoenix is a mythological creature of rebirth. She says "Oh" Then she looks at me and says, "you're going to put this on Surly?" I nod and say "Yep"

No pics you degenerates. 

[BHMCruiser 1813]

On 11/17/2023 at 9:00 PM, GoPokes83 said:

“Here’s the link, please order these” doesn’t seem that out of line of a request for someone with decades of govt purchasing experience. But you’re 100% right, when she said she was buying in the upper level because of the kid and there were good deals I ASS-umed she meant directly above where I asked her to purchase or at least in the same proximity as there were (Still are I’m sure) tons of seats available on the visitors side. Oh well, just another ankle roll along the trail to marital bliss.

Still your fault. My wife is objectively brilliant and purchasing tickets for anything instantly renders her borderline retarded. I don't know if it's like how women can't read maps, but she never gets good seats. She bought NCAA tournament floor level seats....behind the backboard. 

[Biff Tannen 45673]

9 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

I was out of town. Wife saw a bird perched on the neighbor's roof. She usually lets the cat sit outside on the patio in the morning, nice and cool in the Phoenix metro. She made sure that the cat was back in the house. She sent me the video, and asked me if I could tell what kind of bird it was. iPhone video to my Samsung phone sucks, so it was hard to tell. She knew it wasn't an owl. She's afraid of the cat getting taken by an owl or similar.

I saw the better video on her phone today. I told her it looked like a falcon or hawk. She asked me in all seriousness, if I was sure that it wasn't a phoenix. ???? I looked at her like huh?? I asked her if she knew what a phoenix was? She said that she thought so. I straight up told her that a phoenix is a mythological creature of rebirth. She says "Oh" Then she looks at me and says, "you're going to put this on Surly?" I nod and say "Yep"

No pics you degenerates. 

[nnm 36360]

This hits close to home. I complained earlier about having a storage unit for holiday decorations, which triggered one of my fellow surlyites. 

[TrashMaster G 17551]

10 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

I was out of town. Wife saw a bird perched on the neighbor's roof. She usually lets the cat sit outside on the patio in the morning, nice and cool in the Phoenix metro. She made sure that the cat was back in the house. She sent me the video, and asked me if I could tell what kind of bird it was. iPhone video to my Samsung phone sucks, so it was hard to tell. She knew it wasn't an owl. She's afraid of the cat getting taken by an owl or similar.

I saw the better video on her phone today. I told her it looked like a falcon or hawk. She asked me in all seriousness, if I was sure that it wasn't a phoenix. ???? I looked at her like huh?? I asked her if she knew what a phoenix was? She said that she thought so. I straight up told her that a phoenix is a mythological creature of rebirth. She says "Oh" Then she looks at me and says, "you're going to put this on Surly?" I nod and say "Yep"

No pics you degenerates. 

Negged!

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

4 hours ago, nnm said:

This hits close to home. I complained earlier about having a storage unit for holiday decorations, which triggered one of my fellow surlyites. 

Hahaha.  He's fixing to die, and he don't even know it.

[Superhero 8828]

I bought a carton of milk while I was grocery shopping.

When I get home, the first thing she said was "Why did you get milk? You know I go to target where it's cheaper! How much did it cost?"

Me: "$5.49."

Wife: "I can get it at Target for $5.29!"

Me: "Are you serious? I bought groceries and am cooking dinner, and the first thing you do when I get home is give me shit about spending 20 cents more for milk?"

Wife: "Well, I'm just telling you I can get it cheaper..."

 

She'll drive 10 minutes to save a dollar, but more than happy to spend $2700 for a pair of earrings.

[Beau Vine 54211]

6 hours ago, nnm said:

a storage unit for holiday decorations

[GoPokes83 2240]

She says "Oh" Then she looks at me and says, "you're going to put this on Surly?" I nod and say "Yep"
No pics you degenerates. 

My wife has no idea this place exists, and if she ever stumbles upon it I’m lying straight to her face that I have no idea what it could be! It’s my god damn Fortress of Solitude for Christ’s sake!

[Lone Star Horn 2016]

2 hours ago, GoPokes83 said:

 

My wife has no idea this place exists, and if she ever stumbles upon it I’m lying straight to her face that I have no idea what it could be! It’s my god damn Fortress of Solitude for Christ’s sake!

 

Understood,  I've read posts to her,  especially from this thread.  She gets a good laugh from them also.  

There's no way she would willingly get on Surly on her own.  She understands that it's my goto Longhorns site.  

[PvilleStang 2875]

16 hours ago, Superhero said:

I bought a carton of milk while I was grocery shopping.

When I get home, the first thing she said was "Why did you get milk? You know I go to target where it's cheaper! How much did it cost?"

Me: "$5.49."

Wife: "I can get it at Target for $5.29!"

Me: "Are you serious? I bought groceries and am cooking dinner, and the first thing you do when I get home is give me shit about spending 20 cents more for milk?"

Wife: "Well, I'm just telling you I can get it cheaper..."

 

She'll drive 10 minutes to save a dollar, but more than happy to spend $2700 for a pair of earrings.

Holy hell if I don't get crap for spending 30 cents more on an item.  I'm immediately told I can't do it right, and she insists on going to the store herself. 

 

Followed by her getting beer and produce from Target the next trip she goes on. (NEVER buy beer from target, you have no clue how long that crap sits on the shelf, same for their produce).  After a better part of a decade, she's got me on board for buying HEB brand stuff over most name brand, but she still has to buy the Up and Up brand crap when it's a tier or two below HEB.  Drives me freaking NUTS.

[956 Worldwide 34705]

8 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

Understood,  I've read posts to her,  especially from this thread.  She gets a good laugh from them also.  

There's no way she would willingly get on Surly on her own.  She understands that it's my goto Longhorns site.  

I put tapa on my iPad when I started here and didn’t turn off Gmail notifications that show on my Home Screen.  Woke up and got asked “what stupid shit that I do will you be chatting about today?”  Better than showing up in the Ashley Madison leak, barely. 

#stupidshithusbandsdo

[Armybrat 40832]

8 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

Understood,  I've read posts to her,  especially from this thread.  She gets a good laugh from them also.  

There's no way she would willingly get on Surly on her own.  She understands that it's my goto Longhorns site.  

There are other Longhorn sites?

[Armybrat 40832]

On 11/19/2023 at 2:37 PM, Beau Vine said:

Driving to Colorado for about a month today.  Wife said she needed at least 2 hours to get packed up and ready.  She's packing like we're going to be completely separated from civilization for a month, rather than going to a Denver suburbs.  I just decided not to say anything...took a lot of restraint when I saw her carrying a lamp out to the car.

Did she pack a little port-a-potty too?

[Lone Star Horn 2016]

52 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

There are other Longhorn sites?

Now that you mention it,  No.

She knows that this is where I get my Longhorn news.

[TrashMaster G 17551]

17 hours ago, Superhero said:

I bought a carton of milk while I was grocery shopping.

When I get home, the first thing she said was "Why did you get milk? You know I go to target where it's cheaper! How much did it cost?"

Me: "$5.49."

Wife: "I can get it at Target for $5.29!"

Me: "Are you serious? I bought groceries and am cooking dinner, and the first thing you do when I get home is give me shit about spending 20 cents more for milk?"

Wife: "Well, I'm just telling you I can get it cheaper..."

 

She'll drive 10 minutes to save a dollar, but more than happy to spend $2700 for a pair of earrings.

I would be so out of that hell.

[CycleTex87 2967]

4 hours ago, Lone Star Horn said:

She doesn't know that this is where I get all my Longhorn news.

FIFM

[ABSR 5309]

9 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

I put tapa on my iPad when I started here and didn’t turn off Gmail notifications that show on my Home Screen.  Woke up and got asked “what stupid shit that I do will you be chatting about today?”  Better than showing up in the Ashley Madison leak, barely. 

#stupidshithusbandsdo

And you told her “With you honey there is an unlimited number of option.”

….and that kids is how I divorced your Mother.

[Trey3216 15346]

How the hell is it that wives cannot ask you to do multiple things at once?  They always ask you to do something, you do it, then sit down on the couch or chair to enjoy your coffee/beer/12 seconds.  Then, just as you’re starting to get comfortable, they ask you to do something else.   Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.   Fucking terrorists.  

[Jameslaw121 4448]

24 minutes ago, Trey3216 said:

How the hell is it that wives cannot ask you to do multiple things at once?  They always ask you to do something, you do it, then sit down on the couch or chair to enjoy your coffee/beer/12 seconds.  Then, just as you’re starting to get comfortable, they ask you to do something else.   Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.   Fucking terrorists.  

My wife and I have a pretty good cleaning routine. She handles about 90% of the cleaning during the week (she works from home). The on Sunday mornings, after breakfast, I'll usually do more of the deep cleaning that needs to be done. I put my ear buds in and listen to the news/nfl pregame/ mlb/whatever.

I swear to god she will wind up asking me a question within 10 seconds of every time I put the headphones on.

Edited November 22, 2023 by Jameslaw121

[Dennis Taylor 18812]

On 11/20/2023 at 12:12 AM, Lone Star Horn said:

I was out of town. Wife saw a bird perched on the neighbor's roof. She usually lets the cat sit outside on the patio in the morning, nice and cool in the Phoenix metro. She made sure that the cat was back in the house. She sent me the video, and asked me if I could tell what kind of bird it was. iPhone video to my Samsung phone sucks, so it was hard to tell. She knew it wasn't an owl. She's afraid of the cat getting taken by an owl or similar.

I saw the better video on her phone today. I told her it looked like a falcon or hawk. She asked me in all seriousness, if I was sure that it wasn't a phoenix. ???? I looked at her like huh?? I asked her if she knew what a phoenix was? She said that she thought so. I straight up told her that a phoenix is a mythological creature of rebirth. She says "Oh" Then she looks at me and says, "you're going to put this on Surly?" I nod and say "Yep"

No pics you degenerates. 

You guys should by a unicorn to protect the cat from the phoenix 

[Trey3216 15346]

39 minutes ago, Jameslaw121 said:

My wife and I have a pretty good cleaning routine. She handles about 90% of the cleaning during the week (she works from home). The on Sunday mornings, after breakfast, I'll usually do more of the deep cleaning that needs to be done. I put my ear buds in and listen to the news/nfl pregame/ mlb/whatever.

I swear to god she will wind up asking me a question within 10 seconds of every time I put the headphones on.

It’s not always cleaning either.  It’s “hey can you go get the girls some socks and shoes”.  

I get the socks and shoes and put them on.

 

then 27 seconds later…”hey can you come help me look for my phone”

 

go and find phone right where i knew it would be.  
 

27 seconds after I sit down again… “hey can you make sure the girls’ drinks are full?”   
 

and it never ends….

 

[Post Oak 20209]

Didn't know where to put this but this is me.

 

[Stringer 1438]

I complained earlier about having a storage unit for holiday decorations

This is a joke, right?……right?

[Dennis Taylor 18812]

2 hours ago, Post Oak said:

Didn't know where to put this but this is me.

 

Kyle is transitioning from douche to grumpy old man. He may have skipped a couple steps but yeah I'm pretty much right there with him on this rant

[Vertigo 20276]

Is this you @Sbbruin? Also, did you keep the guacamole bowl?

https://ktla.com/news/local-news/taco-bell-holiday-party-involved-open-sex-vomit-in-the-guac-bowl-lawsuit/

A former Los Angeles area Taco Bell employee is suing the company and a franchise owner after she claims a Christmas party at the fast-food restaurant descended into a drunken mess that included open sex.

Alana Bechiom filed her lawsuit last week in Los Angeles Superior Court. In the suit, she alleges that her supervisor invited her to the Dec. 18, 2022, party at the San Pedro Taco Bell at which she worked. She was encouraged to bring food for a potluck-style buffet, and her contribution was a bowl of guacamole. Once she arrived, Bechiom “discovered that [her supervisor] covered the windows of the restaurant with wrapping paper” and “also covered the cameras for the lobby in the inside of the restaurant,” according to the complaint, the NY Post reports.

She claims her supervisor provided alcohol to staffers, several of whom were “overserved. Around midnight, after Bechiom had stepped outside for a short time, she walked back into the restaurant and saw a co-worker “having sex with his wife in front of everyone at the party,” she alleges. The co-worker’s wife, Bechiom claims, was also kissing her female manager and another female co-worker at the same time. “Shocked, disgusted and outraged,” Bechiom alleges that she first ran out of the restaurant but then went back inside to retrieve her guacamole bowl – only to find that her manager and the other co-worker involved in the sexual encounter were vomiting. One threw up in the trash while the other vomited in her guacamole bowl, according to the complaint.

Bechiom says she reported the incident to Taco Bell human resources and Alvarado Restaurant Group, the Colorado-based franchisee. The manager and other co-workers involved in the sexual encounter were fired, her complaint states.

 

Edited November 22, 2023 by Vertigo

[Sam Lin 3555]

https://jobs.tacobell.com/

[High Plains Drifter 11035]

On 11/2/2023 at 10:56 PM, Modessit said:

Way back when we were still dating and living together, we had one of those push-on coaxial cables to connect the cable box to the TV. The cat would sometimes try to hide behind the entertainment center and would knock the cable loose. It was a WHITE cable - the only white cable back there.

I was working night shift and slept during the day. Then-gf-now-wife was still in college and would usually be 'studying' in the living room after morning classes but was really watching TV. She woke me up once to tell me the cable wasn't working. I told her to look at the back of the cable box and make sure the white cable was connected. She came back and said it was. I again asked her if she was sure the white cable was connected. She went and checked again and came back and said it was. So - I got up and went out there and looked and found the white cable was disconnected.

Me: I thought you said the white cable was connected.

Her: Oh, the WHITE cable...


This is the same woman who again woke me up another day to tell me the dryer wasn't working. I walked out to find her pushing the button to show me. I told her she might want to shut the door first.

 

In high school I dated this chick who drove a VW rabbit that had these fucked up seat belts that connected to the door so that when you got in, the shoulder strap of the seatbelt  was already across your chest.

You could unhook them from the door, but then the car wouldn't start. Sometimes the connection would be a little loose, and the car wouldn't start and you had to unhook then rehook the seatbelt to the door to get the car to start.

So one night she calls me and says her car wont' start. I ask her if she unhooked then rehooked the seatbelt to the door. "Yes, yes of course I checked that." I drive to where ever she is, unhook the seatbelt and rehook and the car starts up.

[Buzzrock 14918]

Me: we were supposed to leave the minutes ago

Her: I know I just need you to grate this one pound block of cheddar right quick

[Brisketexan 105095]

Me: we were supposed to leave the minutes ago

Her: I know I just need you to grate this one pound block of cheddar right quick

Her: “Also, I need to vacuum the curtains. And oh goodness, would you look at that…I’m gonna dust the top of every window sill in the house.”

[tbone_ 14115]

Time is a flat circle anyway so who cares

[Pig Bellmont 8712]

On 11/22/2023 at 11:32 AM, Trey3216 said:

How the hell is it that wives cannot ask you to do multiple things at once?  They always ask you to do something, you do it, then sit down on the couch or chair to enjoy your coffee/beer/12 seconds.  Then, just as you’re starting to get comfortable, they ask you to do something else.   Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.   Fucking terrorists.  

[uoftorange 1386]

Every event we have I wash all the dishes as we go.  We both share cooking duties.  My wife makes a crazy mess when she cooks, I do not.  But then she feels guilty and tries to "help".  

Narrator:  It isn't helpful

While I'm washing things in the sink, she likes to start loading everything on top of what I'm washing, or in a way I can't wash something.  Mind you I've cleared the sink out and all the dirty stuff is clearly piled up next to it. 

I've asked her about 10000 times to just walk away and let me do it.  She does for 2 or 3 minutes, then is back at it.  It's literally the least helpful she possibly could be during that time.  Yet she still can't help herself.  Every. Single. Time.  But I'M the asshole for snapping at her for not listening. 
 

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

Every event we have I wash all the dishes as we go.  We both share cooking duties.  My wife makes a crazy mess when she cooks, I do not.  But then she feels guilty and tries to "help".  

Narrator:  It isn't helpful

While I'm washing things in the sink, she likes to start loading everything on top of what I'm washing, or in a way I can't wash something.  Mind you I've cleared the sink out and all the dirty stuff is clearly piled up next to it. 

I've asked her about 10000 times to just walk away and let me do it.  She does for 2 or 3 minutes, then is back at it.  It's literally the least helpful she possibly could be during that time.  Yet she still can't help herself.  Every. Single. Time.  But I'M the asshole for snapping at her for not listening. 
 

I don’t say much when the wife cooks but it looks like a crime scene after. She tries to cook everything on high so it boils over, splatters and makes a huge mess. I have learned my lesson to not say a word.

[Buzzrock 14918]

Every event we have I wash all the dishes as we go.  We both share cooking duties.  My wife makes a crazy mess when she cooks, I do not.  But then she feels guilty and tries to "help".  

Narrator:  It isn't helpful

While I'm washing things in the sink, she likes to start loading everything on top of what I'm washing, or in a way I can't wash something.  Mind you I've cleared the sink out and all the dirty stuff is clearly piled up next to it. 

I've asked her about 10000 times to just walk away and let me do it.  She does for 2 or 3 minutes, then is back at it.  It's literally the least helpful she possibly could be during that time.  Yet she still can't help herself.  Every. Single. Time.  But I'M the asshole for snapping at her for not listening. 
 

If there’s two traits from my wife that I’m proud I snuffed out with my daughter it’s making a huge mess when she cooks and eating well done steaks.

[nnm 36360]

2 minutes ago, Buzzrock said:

If there’s two traits from my wife that I’m proud I snuffed out with my daughter it’s making a huge mess when she cooks and eating well done steaks.

You snuffed out your daughter?!? Not cool. 

[Celery Man 20934]

There some weird shit on the enameled cast iron trivet thing. Looked like hot glue, felt gummy.

Me: “oh weird, did we use gelatin today?”

Wife: “why?”

Me: “just some weird stuff I’m cleaning off of the trivet “

wife: “oh that’s probably from the topping on the pumpkin pie”

me: “marshmallows?”

wife: “it was a marshmallow topping”

me: “… made out of marshmallows?”

wife: “no, a topping. I made it.”

me: “what did you make it out of?”

wife: “ummmm sugar, corn starch... gelatin”

 

[conVINCEd 21469]

if you want me to do the dishes, don’t stack up so much shit on the side of the sink with the disposal that it takes me 15 minutes just to be able to drain the sink.  Leave it on the counter, put it on the other side of the sink, but don’t clog the sink on a heavy dish night.

[mulletpelini 5210]

On 11/19/2023 at 2:37 PM, Beau Vine said:

Driving to Colorado for about a month today.  Wife said she needed at least 2 hours to get packed up and ready.  She's packing like we're going to be completely separated from civilization for a month, rather than going to a Denver suburbs.  I just decided not to say anything...took a lot of restraint when I saw her carrying a lamp out to the car.

[Brew 3049]

Wife came into the bedroom last night a few minutes after 11 PM with her phone trying to buy something online. The online deal went live at 12 PM EST on 11/24. She couldn’t figure out why she couldn’t get it to work and had already tried her computer as well. I mean, I guess I’m impressed she knew that CST was an hour behind.

[Jerry Callo 8700]

On 11/23/2023 at 3:28 PM, uoftorange said:

Every event we have I wash all the dishes as we go.  We both share cooking duties.  My wife makes a crazy mess when she cooks, I do not.  But then she feels guilty and tries to "help".  

Narrator:  It isn't helpful

While I'm washing things in the sink, she likes to start loading everything on top of what I'm washing, or in a way I can't wash something.  Mind you I've cleared the sink out and all the dirty stuff is clearly piled up next to it. 

I've asked her about 10000 times to just walk away and let me do it.  She does for 2 or 3 minutes, then is back at it.  It's literally the least helpful she possibly could be during that time.  Yet she still can't help herself.  Every. Single. Time.  But I'M the asshole for snapping at her for not listening. 
 

Just walk away.

[cactusflinthead 27598]

On 11/23/2023 at 9:53 PM, conVINCEd said:

disposal

The plumber's moneymaker.

[Brisketexan 105095]

The plumber's moneymaker.

Dear god. It took me YEARS to teach my wife that no, you shouldn’t dump that container of old leftover chicken and broccoli down the disposal, scrape it into the garbage. Then, for the HANDFUL of scraps of food left in the container when you rinse it, you use the disposal.
I remember coming home to a backed up sink, and asked how it happened. “I don’t know….I ran the disposal when I dumped 4 pounds of bad leftover chicken and dumplings down the drain!”
I had to snake the fucking drain, and I THINK that’s the occasion that broke her of the habit.

[Beau Vine 54211]

On 11/23/2023 at 3:17 PM, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

I don’t say much when the wife cooks but it looks like a crime scene after. She tries to cook everything on high so it boils over, splatters and makes a huge mess. I have learned my lesson to not say a word.

I've started using that line from that Geico (?) commercial every time she cooks: "Some people clean while they cook; not these folks."

 

[luke duke 6412]

Every event we have I wash all the dishes as we go.  We both share cooking duties.  My wife makes a crazy mess when she cooks, I do not.  But then she feels guilty and tries to "help".  

Narrator:  It isn't helpful

While I'm washing things in the sink, she likes to start loading everything on top of what I'm washing, or in a way I can't wash something.  Mind you I've cleared the sink out and all the dirty stuff is clearly piled up next to it. 

I've asked her about 10000 times to just walk away and let me do it.  She does for 2 or 3 minutes, then is back at it.  It's literally the least helpful she possibly could be during that time.  Yet she still can't help herself.  Every. Single. Time.  But I'M the asshole for snapping at her for not listening. 
 

You should just walk away at that point and let her finish.

[Knoxtnhorn 5974]

I haven't had anything worthy enough to post for a second.  Got one tonight.  

6th grader is struggling with his homework.  Wife was helping him.  I look at problem #1, and it's wrong.

Quote

You're feeding 24 people with the following recipe amounts:

500 g

350 g

400 g

200 g

1 kg

How much of each would you need for 12 people?

Son had doubled everything.  I told him this was wrong which pissed off my wife.  I couldn't get it through her head that 12 is half of 24 and, thus, you'd use half the amount of each.  After arguing with me for 5 minutes, she walks away and says, "Fine.  Listen to your father.  I scored higher that him on the ACT in math."  I took the SAT and scored 1390.  I have no idea how I did in math, but I know what a half is.  Her last comment was, "If you're so smart, see if you can get his mattress cover on his mattress.

Of course, I couldn't let it go.  I took care of the mattress in 3 minutes, then went downstairs to let her know it was as easy as figuring out the math.

[Jerry Callo 8700]

That'll work out well for you.