Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[tbone_ 14140]

Sometimes you just gotta call out the dumbass

[Knoxtnhorn 6065]

46 minutes ago, Jerry Callo said:

That'll work out well for you.

Yes.  I got my bj out of the way earlier today.

[ABSR 5321]

21 minutes ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

Yes.  I got my bj out of the way earlier today.

Did the math tutor thank you?

[conVINCEd 21469]

2 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I haven't had anything worthy enough to post for a second.  Got one tonight.  

6th grader is struggling with his homework.  Wife was helping him.  I look at problem #1, and it's wrong.

Son had doubled everything.  I told him this was wrong which pissed off my wife.  I couldn't get it through her head that 12 is half of 24 and, thus, you'd use half the amount of each.  After arguing with me for 5 minutes, she walks away and says, "Fine.  Listen to your father.  I scored higher that him on the ACT in math."  I took the SAT and scored 1390.  I have no idea how I did in math, but I know what a half is.  Her last comment was, "If you're so smart, see if you can get his mattress cover on his mattress.

Of course, I couldn't let it go.  I took care of the mattress in 3 minutes, then went downstairs to let her know it was as easy as figuring out the math.

I knew a girl who is now a doctor who got lost walking from the DG house to my place at 23rd & San Gabriel.  Walk two blocks south and hang a right was too much for her.  She called me from the pay phone at C-Mart and I went and picked her up because she was hot.   Smart and dumb are situational concepts.  If I dropped the wife off in the middle of nowhere, with a car and a phone, she would die of starvation.  She’s pretty good at teaching your kids how to read though.  

[TrashMaster G 17583]

5 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I haven't had anything worthy enough to post for a second.  Got one tonight.  

6th grader is struggling with his homework.  Wife was helping him.  I look at problem #1, and it's wrong.

Son had doubled everything.  I told him this was wrong which pissed off my wife.  I couldn't get it through her head that 12 is half of 24 and, thus, you'd use half the amount of each.  After arguing with me for 5 minutes, she walks away and says, "Fine.  Listen to your father.  I scored higher that him on the ACT in math."  I took the SAT and scored 1390.  I have no idea how I did in math, but I know what a half is.  Her last comment was, "If you're so smart, see if you can get his mattress cover on his mattress.

Of course, I couldn't let it go.  I took care of the mattress in 3 minutes, then went downstairs to let her know it was as easy as figuring out the math.

Let us know how the couch was.

[nnm 36515]

10 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I haven't had anything worthy enough to post for a second.  Got one tonight.  

6th grader is struggling with his homework.  Wife was helping him.  I look at problem #1, and it's wrong.

Son had doubled everything.  I told him this was wrong which pissed off my wife.  I couldn't get it through her head that 12 is half of 24 and, thus, you'd use half the amount of each.  After arguing with me for 5 minutes, she walks away and says, "Fine.  Listen to your father.  I scored higher that him on the ACT in math."  I took the SAT and scored 1390.  I have no idea how I did in math, but I know what a half is.  Her last comment was, "If you're so smart, see if you can get his mattress cover on his mattress.

Of course, I couldn't let it go.  I took care of the mattress in 3 minutes, then went downstairs to let her know it was as easy as figuring out the math.

[Guest]

nm

Edited November 27, 2023 by slorch

[956 Worldwide 34743]

Yesterday we were driving back from my sister’s on the East Coast, an unfamiliar route. I have google maps on the phone and am using the USB jack. Unknown to me, she switched to Bluetooth while I stopped at a gas station because she wanted to listen to something on her phone when I filled up. 
 

But she has also for some reason programmed a route home into her own google maps, only she’s got “avoid tolls” programmed.  Result: I am going absolutely fucking insane as the maps voice coming out of the speakers is completely different from what the route that is showing on my own maps, we took two wrong exits trying to figure out WTF was going on until she told me she had switched the inputs. 

[Guest]

Real men don't need a navi...or a backup camera.

[tbone_ 14140]

Real men don't need a navi...or a backup camera.

I could do without navigation just fine. But the 360degree camera in my truck is some helpful shit.

[956 Worldwide 34743]

Google maps and Waze fucking rule. Yes, I absolutely want a supercomputer to look up the road for me and tell me when to avoid a massive pile up or when my train is late and it’s better to grab a bus or Uber if I have to be somewhere on time.  Who the hell wants to sit in traffic they don’t have to? 

[Beau Vine 54341]

13 hours ago, Knoxtnhorn said:

I haven't had anything worthy enough to post for a second.  Got one tonight.  

6th grader is struggling with his homework.  Wife was helping him.  I look at problem #1, and it's wrong.

Son had doubled everything.  I told him this was wrong which pissed off my wife.  I couldn't get it through her head that 12 is half of 24 and, thus, you'd use half the amount of each.  After arguing with me for 5 minutes, she walks away and says, "Fine.  Listen to your father.  I scored higher that him on the ACT in math."  I took the SAT and scored 1390.  I have no idea how I did in math, but I know what a half is.  Her last comment was, "If you're so smart, see if you can get his mattress cover on his mattress.

Of course, I couldn't let it go.  I took care of the mattress in 3 minutes, then went downstairs to let her know it was as easy as figuring out the math.

You must have a very comfortable couch.

[Js1 85472]

2 hours ago, slorch said:

Real men don't need a navi...or a backup camera.

[Jameslaw121 4448]

3 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Yesterday we were driving back from my sister’s on the East Coast, an unfamiliar route. I have google maps on the phone and am using the USB jack. Unknown to me, she switched to Bluetooth while I stopped at a gas station because she wanted to listen to something on her phone when I filled up. 
 

But she has also for some reason programmed a route home into her own google maps, only she’s got “avoid tolls” programmed.  Result: I am going absolutely fucking insane as the maps voice coming out of the speakers is completely different from what the route that is showing on my own maps, we took two wrong exits trying to figure out WTF was going on until she told me she had switched the inputs. 

This happened to me once. I don't know how I did it, but I had the gps on no tolls. I was basically on the Ft. Worth side of DFW trying to get back to Allen. For those who don't know, basically every road over there is a toll or will become a toll if you drive more than like 2 miles on it. I was losing my fucking mind as it was making drive on service road and small side streets. Probably added 45 minutes to my trip.

 

[TrashMaster G 17583]

3 hours ago, slorch said:

Real men don't need a navi...or a backup camera.

Not using the backup camera is just fucking stupid.

[Guest]

17 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Not using the backup camera is just fucking stupid.

Tell that to your side mirrors/ front fenders that get dinged.

It gives suspect drivers a false sense of security, which is perfect for this thread.

Edited November 27, 2023 by slorch

[TrashMaster G 17583]

11 minutes ago, slorch said:

Tell that to your side mirrors/ front fenders that get dinged.

It gives suspect drivers a false sense of security, which is perfect for this thread.

Or maybe one of us just knows how to use the backup camera properly.

Just a thought.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, TrashMaster G said:

Or maybe one of us just knows how to use the backup camera properly.

Just a thought.

Thanks for acknowledging the initial point and giving your endorsement.

[conVINCEd 21469]

3 hours ago, slorch said:

Real men don't need a navi...or a backup camera.

My parents have 2 cars.  They both have damage to the rear bumpers because my dad refuses to use the backup camera.  He hit a car in a parking lot and backed into the fence pulling out of the driveway.  I saw this happen with my grandparents.  Grandad was a perfect driver his whole life, then he had 3 accidents in a short period of time.  The first 2 were minor fender benders.  The last one was a head on collision that damn near killed both of them.  Cognitive decline is a thing.  Technology is your friend, and can help you prolong your useful time on earth.  

Grandad eventually had his drivers license revoked because the 3 incidents in a short time period triggered a cognitive evaluation, and he failed the test.  It’s sad to see my dad headed down the same road and stubbornly refuse to acknowledge it.  If I am in a car with them, I am driving.  Mom is fine, but patriarchal bullshit/stubborn pride leads my dad to insist on being the driver if it is just the two of them.  He will probably have a serious accident sometime soon, and it will probably take that happening for him to admit that he’s in decline.  
 

From a selfish perspective, if he would just use the fucking backup camera, my sister and I wouldn’t be having a conversation about dad’s driving.  It would’ve probably bought him a couple of years of nobody noticing his driving is becoming a problem.  From a practical perspective, maybe his stubborn ignorance is the canary in the coal mine.  We’ve identified the problem before there are any real consequences, but unfortunately it’s going to take some consequences for him to acknowledge the problem.  It’s not a fun thing to watch happen in real time.

[956 Worldwide 34743]

There’s no rule against using the camera and your mirrors.  Newer cars have higher belt lines, higher ride heights, and smaller rear windows. The backup cam plus mirrors offer you a full view of what’s behind you and it is dumb AF to not take advantage of being able to have that full visibility. Almost as dumb as sitting in traffic that could be avoided if you downloaded Waze. 
 

Driving makes people stupid AF. Strong vibes of “I don’t wear a seatbelt so I can get out of my burning car” logic here. 

[B00M 6436]

4 hours ago, slorch said:

Real men don't need a navi...or a backup camera.

[Celery Man 20984]

real gangster ass men don't use side mirrors for nuts cause real gangster ass men know they got'em

[Al_4_ISU 12475]

Speaking of backup cameras and this thread, my wife once backed straight into a light pole over the blares of the backup camera alert telling her there was an object incoming, and broke said backup camera in the process.  All because she was yelling at me for some reason that I can't recall at this point.

[PvilleStang 2917]

1 hour ago, slorch said:

Tell that to your side mirrors/ front fenders that get dinged.

It gives suspect drivers a false sense of security, which is perfect for this thread.

Hooking up a trailer is exponentially easier given the cameras.  And backing into the garage and leaving the truck as close to the wall as possible so it'll fit is made possible by the backup camera.  Lost count how many times I've parked it in the garage without tapping the wall once.

[tbone_ 14140]

Speaking of backup cameras and this thread, my wife once backed straight into a light pole over the blares of the backup camera alert telling her there was an object incoming, and broke said backup camera in the process.  All because she was yelling at me for some reason that I can't recall at this point.

My truck will slam on the brakes for you if it thinks it needs to.

[Sandman 3409]

I'm working from home this week, so I'm in the study on the phone. Wife comes in, I think to say bye before she leaves for work. As I'm talking on the phone, she whispers/mouths something and tries to stick her phone near my face. I can only see her out of the corner of my eye, so as I'm talking and typing, I look over and give her a WTF look. She mumbles something and stomps away. My call ended soon after and I go to catch her before she left. I did, and she says "I was just saying that a package is supposed to be delivered today".   WHO GIVES A SHIT???, I said in my head. 

Here's a text update:

[Not that Bob 739]

Fred Flintstone used his feet to stop his car. He didn't need no pussy assed  brakes. 

[Nivek 16954]

I see a long scratch on the SUV.  I am disappointed but tell the kid sometimes people are just not careful or don't care if they damage other people's property.   Teaching moment, I think. 

Few days later, the wife admits she was in the parking garage, and with an SUV (with surround cameras and proximity alerts) she hit a stop sign but just assumed it was plastic and kept going.   Our son says nothing, but just looks at me.   

I also noticed that after just replacing a bent rim and getting new tires, the SUV must have not looked shitty enough so she curb rashed a different rim.   I guess that answers how I got a bent rim in the first place.   

 

[hullabelew 3724]

My father-in-law was a mail carrier after WWII.    Old style, walking mailman, delivering mail to houses in Omaha, NE.   He apparently instilled the need for my wife to IMMEDIATELY get the mail from the mailbox.  Our house could be on fire, a tornado coming, her arm lopped off in a freak chainsaw accident, and have a kid chocking from swallowing a lego piece, and she would stop and check the mailbox.  No matter how late she is running, or where she needs to be, she will check the mailbox.  

Then, she brings an envelope to me, points at the return address and says, "What is in this envelop?"  Same for packages.  Get it from the front porch, bring it so me and say, "What's in here?"  YEARS of me saying, "I don't know, but I have an idea.  Let's open it and find out"?    Still, every time..."What's in here?"    

[Not that Bob 739]

42 minutes ago, hullabelew said:

My father-in-law was a mail carrier after WWII.    Old style, walking mailman, delivering mail to houses in Omaha, NE.   He apparently instilled the need for my wife to IMMEDIATELY get the mail from the mailbox.  Our house could be on fire, a tornado coming, her arm lopped off in a freak chainsaw accident, and have a kid chocking from swallowing a lego piece, and she would stop and check the mailbox.  No matter how late she is running, or where she needs to be, she will check the mailbox.  

Then, she brings an envelope to me, points at the return address and says, "What is in this envelop?"  Same for packages.  Get it from the front porch, bring it so me and say, "What's in here?"  YEARS of me saying, "I don't know, but I have an idea.  Let's open it and find out"?    Still, every time..."What's in here?"    

Tell her it's probably the nekkid pictures of her sister that you have been waiting on. 

[tx ind 7013]

[rage-a-holic 4432]

9 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

But she has also for some reason programmed a route home into her own google maps, only she’s got “avoid tolls” programmed.  Result: I am going absolutely fucking insane as the maps voice coming out of the speakers is completely different from what the route that is showing on my own maps, we took two wrong exits trying to figure out WTF was going on until she told me she had switched the inputs. 

It's really fun when they do this in Mexico and you find yourself driving down a dirt road the width of an alley with rotting trash and street dogs everywhere.

 

Are you sure you put in the right city? San Luis Petosi?

 (angry) YES!!!!!

And you didn't change any of the Google Map settings?

(angrier) NOOOOO!!!!!

[Longboard Horn 40423]

On 11/27/2023 at 6:19 AM, nnm said:

That what Pamela Handerson and Handgelina Jolie are for 

[Celery Man 20984]

22 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

Speaking of backup cameras and this thread, my wife once backed straight into a light pole over the blares of the backup camera alert telling her there was an object incoming, and broke said backup camera in the process.  All because she was yelling at me for some reason that I can't recall at this point.

wife gets irritated at me for backseat driving, which is totally understandable and I try not to do it but it's hard when it's stuff like "there's a median. don't turn, don't make this turn, there's a median, you can't turn here, stop" *thunk thunk*. I try not to ride in the car with her driving because it makes me anxious about what happens when I'm not around, but she gets motion sick. Which again, I get anxiety from near misses and suburban off-roading but that doesn't seem to count.

the other day I was driving and mentioned that I wanted to not be behind a certain car, she asked for an explanation why. I told her that it was a 10 year old subcompact with a dented bumper and more than 3 stickers on it. That launched us into a long conversation about how I'm profiling people unfairly and then a long stretch of me pointing out which cars were going to behave in what ways, with about 75% accuracy. i don't think it's fair how wives never acknowledge when we're right

[Sam Lin 3560]

7 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

i don't think it's fair how wives never acknowledge when we're right

hahahahahahahahaa.gif

[tbone_ 14140]

hahahahahahahahaa.gif

This right here

[nnm 36515]

58 minutes ago, Celery Man said:

wife gets irritated at me for backseat driving, which is totally understandable and I try not to do it but it's hard when it's stuff like "there's a median. don't turn, don't make this turn, there's a median, you can't turn here, stop" *thunk thunk*. I try not to ride in the car with her driving because it makes me anxious about what happens when I'm not around, but she gets motion sick. Which again, I get anxiety from near misses and suburban off-roading but that doesn't seem to count.

the other day I was driving and mentioned that I wanted to not be behind a certain car, she asked for an explanation why. I told her that it was a 10 year old subcompact with a dented bumper and more than 3 stickers on it. That launched us into a long conversation about how I'm profiling people unfairly and then a long stretch of me pointing out which cars were going to behave in what ways, with about 75% accuracy. i don't think it's fair how wives never acknowledge when we're right

 

[Ojo Rojo 1967]

I'm not a clean freak, but I do much prefer cleanliness and order, for practical reasons.  Filth is unhealthy and unsightly; clutter is also unsightly and makes it hard to find shit when you need it.  Any space that I control - my closet, my workbench, the countertop in my bathroom - all well organized, clean and free of clutter.  My wife, OTOH, is....not like me in this way.  She doesn't mind clutter.  Every space she controls is packed to the brim with trash and bullshit.  Her countertop in the bathroom looks like a CVS after a tornado.  Unfortunately, she also controls the kids' spaces so all of their shit is FUBAR. We have a mud room and each of the three of our kids have a cabinet, ostensibly for their essential school shit.  You can't even open the fucking doors without papers and shit falling out.  My wife's car looks like a homeless person stole it and lived in it for weeks.  Bits of food and crumbs completely covering the floorboards, wrappers and trash literally everywhere.  Glove box, console, cup holders all full of detritus among a few actually useful things that you'd never be able to find.

My wife knows that all of this shit makes me ragey.  I have tried telling her nicely that it really bothers me.  I have tried telling her that her life would actually be better if she was more organized and cleaned shit up.  I have tried being an asshole about it.  I have brought it up in therapy.  She does nothing.  By this point, I am mostly resigned.

I told my wife about a month ago that I wanted to get rid of a bunch of shit in anticipation of Christmas.  The kids are going to get a bunch of new shit and there is hardly anywhere left to put anything because of my wife's lack of organizational skills. We went through all of their clothes a couple of weeks ago and filled up two garbage bags of stuff to give away.  We put the bags in the hallway.  I told her that I wanted to take them to Goodwill, like right then. She told me that she wanted to "go through it first." WTF? Didn't we just do that? Apparently there were some items she thought she could sell on FB marketplace or whatever. Fine, just please do it sooner rather than later.

I also made it clear that over the Thanksgiving long weekend I wanted to clear some stuff out of the garage, including larger kids toys that I wanted to give away.  She has a bunch of shit from her car - shopping bags, floor mats, mats that go under car seats we don't use anymore, yoga mats, - draped all over the toys the kids don't use anymore that I want to give away.  I asked her to do something with that shit so that I could get the toys out. It was clearly a Step 1, Step 2 situation.

Pan to Sunday, last day of the long weekend. The two garbage bags of clothes are still in the hallway, untouched. All of the shit in the garage - untouched. I did some things with the kids and then a few small projects around the house in the morning. Then I laid on the couch and watched some of the Texans' game and scrolled on my phone. It's late afternoon. My goal of having this shit gone by the end of the weekend has not been met. I waited long enough; I gave her plenty of time to do what she needed to do. So I told her that I was taking the clothes to Goodwill, throwing away all of the unused mats and shit in the garage and taking all of the toys to a friend who has a grandchild who can use them. Of course, she gets all pissed off at me for "being an asshole." She tells me she can't be comfortable or "feel safe" or "be herself" in our house. She also accused me of being "unproductive" because I laid on the couch for a couple of hours. She whirlwinded angrily for 15 minutes or so, put the bags of clothes by the front door that someone came and got and threw away all of the shit in the garage (including some actual useful shit that I fished out of the trash can).  We haven't spoken since.

 

[tbone_ 14140]

Your mistake was telling her what you were going to do.

[Not that Bob 739]

1 hour ago, Ojo Rojo said:

We haven't spoken since

Humble brag

[Biff Tannen 45697]

We have a tight one car garage and my wife just hauls ass out of there in the mornings.  I watch her leave every morning and she is sometimes less than 2 inches from the wall on the driver's side.  If she turns the wheel at all she's going to clip the wall one day.  I've asked her to please go slower backing out until she's cleared the pillars.  She thinks because she has the back up camera, she's fine.  I know it's coming.  

4 hours ago, Ojo Rojo said:

Glove box, console, cup holders all full of detritus among a few actually useful things that you'd never be able to find.

+ rep for detritus

[McCroskey 1505]

Wife started this thing where she likes to cook shrimp alfredo.  First time she cooked it, she bought 1lb of 120 count (yes, 120) shrimp.  Afterwards she asked what I'd like her to try differently next time and I said, let's try it with 20-30 count shrimp. 

Fast forward 2-3 weeks, she excitedly tells me she bought larger shrimp.  I looked at the bag and it was 2lbs of 120 count.

[tbone_ 14140]

This is how you do this thread

[wd40 1976]

love me some Sea Monkeys Alfredo

[Guadaloopy 11007]

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

[nnm 36515]

1 hour ago, wd40 said:

love me some Sea Monkeys Alfredo

[Scheiss Meister 8408]

39 minutes ago, nnm said:

Good old daphnia.  If you run a wastewater plant, similar species are used to test the potential lethality of your effluent.  A kid's disappointment when they won't reproduce or they die off is nothing compared to a wastewater operator's disappointment in the same situation.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2738]

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

Bonus points if they hit the preset 30 seconds button multiple times in a row.

[nnm 36515]

1 hour ago, Scheiss Meister said:

Good old daphnia.  If you run a wastewater plant, similar species are used to test the potential lethality of your effluent.  A kid's disappointment when they won't reproduce or they die off is nothing compared to a wastewater operator's disappointment in the same situation.

[rage-a-holic 4432]

1 hour ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

Bonus points if they hit the preset 30 seconds button multiple times in a row.

We have an LG microwave that has all the fucking cook time presets/inputs inside the fucking door. So if you don't want to use the +30 second button on the front of the door, you have to go get a fucking flashlight to read the presets. So it's pretty much the +30 second button 99% of the time.