Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Brisketexan 105082]

Good old daphnia.  If you run a wastewater plant, similar species are used to test the potential lethality of your effluent.  A kid's disappointment when they won't reproduce or they die off is nothing compared to a wastewater operator's disappointment in the same situation.

Wait…is Daphnia the kinda dirty looking sea monkey mom, who has that grin that tells you she knows what’s up and how to do it? Because if so….I’m listening…

[Scheiss Meister 8407]

1 hour ago, Brisketexan said:

Wait…is Daphnia the kinda dirty looking sea monkey mom, who has that grin that tells you she knows what’s up and how to do it? Because if so….I’m listening…

She's the one who was always paired with Fred, leaving Wilma to her own devices while Shaggy and Scooby toked up.  I figured that she was a freak.

[NWBuck 8552]

29 minutes ago, Scheiss Meister said:

She's the one who was always paired with Fred, leaving Wilma to her own devices while Shaggy and Scooby toked up.  I figured that she was a freak.

Velma. 

Fred and Wilma were several thousand years earlier. 

[Kwix 2186]

5 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

[Al_4_ISU 12453]

On 11/27/2023 at 12:46 PM, tbone_ said:

My truck will slam on the brakes for you if it thinks it needs to.

That feature would have been alright in this moment.

[Al_4_ISU 12453]

20 hours ago, Celery Man said:

wife gets irritated at me for backseat driving, which is totally understandable and I try not to do it but it's hard when it's stuff like "there's a median. don't turn, don't make this turn, there's a median, you can't turn here, stop" *thunk thunk*. I try not to ride in the car with her driving because it makes me anxious about what happens when I'm not around, but she gets motion sick. Which again, I get anxiety from near misses and suburban off-roading but that doesn't seem to count.

the other day I was driving and mentioned that I wanted to not be behind a certain car, she asked for an explanation why. I told her that it was a 10 year old subcompact with a dented bumper and more than 3 stickers on it. That launched us into a long conversation about how I'm profiling people unfairly and then a long stretch of me pointing out which cars were going to behave in what ways, with about 75% accuracy. i don't think it's fair how wives never acknowledge when we're right

I feel a lot of this.  My wife easily gets car sick, which leads to me just giving her the keys when we're in any kind of area with curvy roads (usually rugged/mountainous areas or big cities).  On one hand it's nice because I can just watch the scenery.  On the other hand, it's nerve wracking because she's a pretty shitty driver.

One of the most aggravating things about my wife as a driver is that she'll nag me about things she does herself.  The big one is getting a little road ragey when people sit at lights, go slow in the left lane, etc.  She tells me to calm down, quit acting like a maniac, etc and then she absolutely loses her shit when she does the exact same thing.

[52-80 19147]

it really irks me how spouse takes this random, non-negotiable approach to some aspects of finance, specifically reimbursements.

she has a work benefit allowing her to expense home internet bill, so a $500 value.  all it takes is like 5 minutes digging through her emails for the receipts. 

the soft deadline for submitting expenses is around now.  ive asked her in the gentlest way possible "hey have you sent it in".  "no - im busy".  "no - im doing other work".  "no - dont you see i dont have time".  etc etc.  (meanwhile she'll devote a full hour with 100% effort crafting the most precise Feedback form response for contractors working in her team).  i asked her one last time "will you try to submit it".

"no, its probably too late.  itll probably be rejected".  thats it, zero effort to even try.

 

today i told her im gonna buy a $200 step-stool for our kid.  she goes on a search of the web and tells me "lets buy it when we visit my parents for christmas.  its $70 cheaper there".

her parents live 1500 miles away.  im gonna make room in the trunk for a piece of furniture and drive it 3 fucking days to save $70, but she cant click a few mouse buttons to get $500 rightfully due?

 

 

[Brisketexan 105082]

2 hours ago, Al_4_ISU said:

One of the most aggravating things about my wife as a driver is that she'll nag me about things she does herself.  The big one is getting a little road ragey when people sit at lights, go slow in the left lane, etc.  She tells me to calm down, quit acting like a maniac, etc and then she absolutely loses her shit when she does the exact same thing.

My wife has an alter-ego in traffic who my kids named "Kimmie."  Kimmie gets very angry and profane in traffic.  Like, frighteningly so.  Kimmie is not fun.  So, we make sure that if it's possible, I drive, so my wife can relax and leave that psycho Kimmie bitch behind.

[Frank Drebin 5661]

We pay $300+ a month for my wife's workout class.  To her credit, she works out 5 mornings a week.

I still don't understand why she can't take one of a 100 workout classes or use the gym at our club, which is closer and has fantastic facilities.

[PvilleStang 2875]

17 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

Our freaking microwave has a new feature that's both good and bad:  when the timer goes off, it beeps at you for like 5 seconds, and displays END on the clock, and that's it.  Most other microwaves beep every so often until you clear / cancel / end the timer, but this one doesn't.  So every morning without fail, the END is left on.  Gets irritating when I use the microwave clock for time.

 

[Mo Horn 8831]

54 minutes ago, Frank Drebin said:

We pay $300+ a month for my wife's workout class.  To her credit, she works out 5 mornings a week.

I still don't understand why she can't take one of a 100 workout classes or use the gym at our club, which is closer and has fantastic facilities.

She's getting a "personal" workout, duh

[Sam Lin 3551]

1 hour ago, Frank Drebin said:

We pay $300+ a month for my wife's workout class.  To her credit, she works out 5 mornings a week.

Not even a humblebrag, just a brag.

[ztejas 43414]

1 hour ago, Frank Drebin said:

We pay $300+ a month for my wife's workout class.  To her credit, she works out 5 mornings a week.

I still don't understand why she can't take one of a 100 workout classes or use the gym at our club, which is closer and has fantastic facilities.

Her boyfriend isn't a member at your club.

[Guadaloopy 10960]

21 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

Went to heat up lunch today.  

 

[Jerry Callo 8699]

I always try to stop the microwave timer at 1 second - like MacGyver. 

[Texzilla58 4732]

wife gets irritated at me for backseat driving, which is totally understandable and I try not to do it but it's hard when it's stuff like "there's a median. don't turn, don't make this turn, there's a median, you can't turn here, stop" *thunk thunk*. I try not to ride in the car with her driving because it makes me anxious about what happens when I'm not around, but she gets motion sick. Which again, I get anxiety from near misses and suburban off-roading but that doesn't seem to count.
the other day I was driving and mentioned that I wanted to not be behind a certain car, she asked for an explanation why. I told her that it was a 10 year old subcompact with a dented bumper and more than 3 stickers on it. That launched us into a long conversation about how I'm profiling people unfairly and then a long stretch of me pointing out which cars were going to behave in what ways, with about 75% accuracy. i don't think it's fair how wives never acknowledge when we're right

My wife and I profile other cars and drivers all the time. It’s a highway game we enjoy. We’re usually accurate. Most folks would be offended by our stereotypes but we’re equal opportunity ridiculers.

[SHOOTER12 8800]

On 11/27/2023 at 10:36 AM, TrashMaster G said:

Not using the backup camera is just fucking stupid.

Yep, especially in busy parking lots. It's amazing that while backing up riding the brake and constantly looking around, that some 4'6" blue haired woman can make it from out of nowhere to standing directly behind my rear bumper in 13/100 of a second.

[Jameslaw121 4448]

23 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

The not clearing the time off when youre used to not bother me too much. But our new microwave the timer flashes until you complete the cook or clear it. 

[SHOOTER12 8800]

6 hours ago, Mo Horn said:

She's getting a "personal" workout, duh

This...

[rage-a-holic 4382]

3 hours ago, Guadaloopy said:

Went to heat up lunch today.  

 

 

That just means it's 12:11am in military time

[Not that Bob 735]

2 hours ago, SHOOTER12 said:

Yep, especially in busy parking lots. It's amazing that while backing up riding the brake and constantly looking around, that some 4'6" blue haired woman can make it from out of nowhere to standing directly behind my rear bumper in 13/100 of a second.

You broke my mother's hip. You monster!!

[Modessit 5598]

Our freaking microwave has a new feature that's both good and bad:  when the timer goes off, it beeps at you for like 5 seconds, and displays END on the clock, and that's it.  Most other microwaves beep every so often until you clear / cancel / end the timer, but this one doesn't.  So every morning without fail, the END is left on.  Gets irritating when I use the microwave clock for time.
 

There is probably a code for changing the beep feature. Check your manual if you care. Don't tell her you changed it. Wait for her to mention it's acting different.

[TrashMaster G 17551]

On 11/27/2023 at 11:47 AM, Al_4_ISU said:

Speaking of backup cameras and this thread, my wife once backed straight into a light pole over the blares of the backup camera alert telling her there was an object incoming, and broke said backup camera in the process.  All because she was yelling at me for some reason that I can't recall at this point.

Bet you money she can recall it.

And will. Six years from now.

[High Plains Drifter 11034]

On 11/28/2023 at 6:00 PM, Guadaloopy said:

Apparently if you let the microwave timer run all the way down, it will explode.   You must stop the microwave with a random amount of time remaining, somewhere between 6 and 23 seconds .  The microwave will also explode if you clear the remaining time yourself.  It can only be cleared by the next person to use the microwave.  This is an immutable law of the universe.  

 

our microwave is similar, but it doesn't explode at 6 or 23 seconds. It will explode at 6 or 23 minutes. I would kill all you assholes if I could just once use the microwave and it only has 6 seconds on it.

Yes, she will program 30 minutes on the microwave and stop it after 1 minute and some random seconds, leaving 28+ minutes on it.

 

 

 

[Beau Vine 54209]

On 11/28/2023 at 3:30 PM, McCroskey said:

First time she cooked it, she bought 1lb of 120 count (yes, 120) shrimp. 

[BearSchlong 8083]

My wife and I profile other cars and drivers all the time. It’s a highway game we enjoy. We’re usually accurate. Most folks would be offended by our stereotypes but we’re equal opportunity ridiculers.

I’m gonna need a list of surly posters who drive Dodge trucks. Cause every time I see blatant bad behavior, 99% of the time it’s a Dodge. Apologies if I offend anyone, I’m just reporting an axiom.

Just last week I saw a dodge driver brake check a semi rig. Genius.

My wife and I do the same.

Now, let’s talk Altimas…

[PvilleStang 2875]

9 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

I’m gonna need a list of surly posters who drive Dodge trucks. Cause every time I see blatant bad behavior, 99% of the time it’s a Dodge. Apologies if I offend anyone, I’m just reporting an axiom.

Just last week I saw a dodge driver brake check a semi rig. Genius.

My wife and I do the same.

Now, let’s talk Altimas…

Stop brake checking semis, YOU AND YOUR WIFE!  

And I beg to differ.  Rams are mostly pricks for the tow mirrors flipped out and the modded / piped exhaust.  Lexus, BMW, and Mercedes SUV drivers are the biggest morons on the road, IMO.  You're driving a freaking modern car with bluetooth yet your holding your phone (on speaker) in front of your face while driving and doing your makeup at the same time.  All while in the left lane doing 10 under.

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2732]

Now, let’s talk Altimas…

With or without paper tags, a loose bumper and missing hubcaps?

[GoPokes83 2240]

Back to the “You paid 20 cent too much for the milk” comment. I’m the same way with gas, my wife will tell me it’s 4 cents cheaper at another station and gets upset I don’t want to drive there instead. That’s like maybe 50 cents out of my pocket and it’s across town. My time may not be. worth much, but it’s worth 50 cents for sure.

[Trey3216 15345]

37 minutes ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

With or without paper tags, a loose bumper and missing hubcaps?

That red passenger door on the black car though... 

20 hours ago, ztejas said:

Her boyfriend isn't a member at your club.

Her "trainer" isn't allowed within 500 ft of that club since he got caught with one of the board member's wives.  

[Sam Lin 3551]

1 hour ago, BearSchlong said:

Just last week I saw a dodge driver brake check a semi rig. Genius.

My wife and I do the same.

The two of you should stop doing this, it is idiotic and dangerous.

[BHMCruiser 1813]

Clean up, aisle six.

[High Plains Drifter 11034]

1 hour ago, GoPokes83 said:

Back to the “You paid 20 cent too much for the milk” comment. I’m the same way with gas, my wife will tell me it’s 4 cents cheaper at another station and gets upset I don’t want to drive there instead. That’s like maybe 50 cents out of my pocket and it’s across town. My time may not be. worth much, but it’s worth 50 cents for sure.

 

I had to explain to my wife, very slowly using only simple words, that if gas somewhere else is ten whole cents a gallon cheaper, and we get ten gallons, that would only be one dollar difference in price.

Not really worth driving across town, or even across the street, imo. Especially when compared to the number of phone chargers she and my daughter lose and replace weekly.

 

 

Speaking of phone chargers, the wife and kid fight constantly over their iphone phone chargers. Borrowing each others, leaving them in the car/school/office, losing them, whatever.

I blissfully have an android, have two chargers (one at work, one at home), and haven't ever had to replace either.

[tbone_ 14113]

The disappearing of phone chargers is insane to me. I have a 16yo daughter. GF has a 15 yo and 19yo daughter. (Fuck off on pics dirtbags). Those 4 couldn’t ever place their hands on a charger in 5 min for a million bucks.

I don’t think I’ve ever lost one.

Do they make chargers that screw into the plug? Asking for myself, for my nightstand at GFs house.

[Beau Vine 54209]

Every fucking day...

 

[NorthLoop 14183]

27 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

The disappearing of phone chargers is insane to me. I have a 16yo daughter. GF has a 15 yo and 19yo daughter. (Fuck off on pics dirtbags). Those 4 couldn’t ever place their hands on a charger in 5 min for a million bucks.

I don’t think I’ve ever lost one.

Do they make chargers that screw into the plug? Asking for myself, for my nightstand at GFs house.

Wife and daughter use iphones. I use Android. Problem solved. 

[GoPokes83 2240]

The disappearing of phone chargers is insane to me. I have a 16yo daughter. GF has a 15 yo and 19yo daughter. (Fuck off on pics dirtbags). Those 4 couldn’t ever place their hands on a charger in 5 min for a million bucks.

I don’t think I’ve ever lost one.

Do they make chargers that screw into the plug? Asking for myself, for my nightstand at GFs house.

Seems like I purchase a 3 cables for 10 bucks deal on Amazon once a month.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21877]

I can't remember the last time I had to buy a new phone charger, but I probably order 10 pair of reading glasses a month from Amazon

[tbone_ 14113]

I can't remember the last time I had to buy a new phone charger, but I probably order 10 pair of reading glasses a month from Amazon

Definitely this. The ones I order are $18 for a six pack. I probably have 30-40 pair.

[tbone_ 14113]

Wife and daughter use iphones. I use Android. Problem solved. 

Not willing to be the weird green one in group texts

[luke duke 6412]

Wife and daughter use iphones. I use Android. Problem solved. 

Wait until their next upgrade.

[Modessit 5598]

I can't remember the last time I had to buy a new phone charger, but I probably order 10 pair of reading glasses a month from Amazon

Cords. I plug in and unplug my phone over 100 times per day. Cords last about a month and then start intermittently charging before eventually not working at all. Braided cables last the longest.i but a 6-pk at a time, but inevitably the wife and kids steal a few from each order.

[BearSchlong 8083]

The two of you should stop doing this, it is idiotic and dangerous.

How about I don’t insert anecdotes above my reply next time. lol.

[BearSchlong 8083]

Stop brake checking semis, YOU AND YOUR WIFE!  
And I beg to differ.  Rams are mostly pricks for the tow mirrors flipped out and the modded / piped exhaust.  Lexus, BMW, and Mercedes SUV drivers are the biggest morons on the road, IMO.  You're driving a freaking modern car with bluetooth yet your holding your phone (on speaker) in front of your face while driving and doing your makeup at the same time.  All while in the left lane doing 10 under.

Okokok I’ll stop.

To be fair I think the dodge thing is a SE Texas/Houston thing.

[luke duke 6412]

I plug in and unplug my phone over 100 times per day.

Please try and convince me why this is necessary.

[66BUFF 2562]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

Not willing to be the weird green one in group texts

[NorthLoop 14183]

32 minutes ago, luke duke said:

 

Please try and convince me why this is necessary.

 

I was gonna say... sounds like something a woman would do. 

[52-80 19147]

4 hours ago, tbone_ said:

The disappearing of phone chargers is insane to me. I have a 16yo daughter. GF has a 15 yo and 19yo daughter. (Fuck off on pics dirtbags). Those 4 couldn’t ever place their hands on a charger in 5 min for a million bucks.

I don’t think I’ve ever lost one.

Do they make chargers that screw into the plug? Asking for myself, for my nightstand at GFs house.

Get outlets that have built-in USB ports. Better yet, you can embed wireless charging pads into tabletops

[CycleTex87 2967]

6 hours ago, PvilleStang said:

Stop brake checking semis, YOU AND YOUR WIFE!  

And I beg to differ.  Rams are mostly pricks for the tow mirrors flipped out and the modded / piped exhaust.  Lexus, BMW, and Mercedes SUV drivers are the biggest morons on the road, IMO.  You're driving a freaking modern car with bluetooth yet your holding your phone (on speaker) in front of your face while driving and doing your makeup at the same time.  All while in the left lane doing 10 under.

Back in the day, say early ‘80’s, my buddies and I noticed the profile of the drivers of white Buick Regals.  9/10 were young ladies putting on makeup (before cell phones, so no problem there). 

[Felix 607]

1 hour ago, luke duke said:

 

Please try and convince me why this is necessary.

He can answer for himself but I believe he drives for Amazon so I assume it's at each delivery.