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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
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52-80

52-80 19147

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Wife said we couldnt weigh our toddler for tracking because hes wearing diaper so its not comparable.  I said I know how much the diaper weighs (25g)


“okay but its full of pee right now so its even heavier”

”…and if 5 minutes ago the pee was in his bladder instead of the diaper the measurement would be different?”

“its a diaper so when the pee soaks it gets even heavier almost like gelatin”

so i pulled out a measuring cup, kitchen scale, and wasted a spare diaper proving to her the principle of Conservation of Ass. and it was worth it because it yielded a “i guess you were right”. 

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nnm

nnm 36347

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Just now, 52-80 said:

so i pulled out a measuring cup, kitchen scale, and wasted a spare diaper proving to her the principle of Conservation of Ass. and it was worth it because it yielded a “i guess you were right”. 

I’m no STEM guy, but this is a new physics term. Did Sir Mix-A-Lot sing about it?

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nnm

nnm 36347

Posted
Posted
3 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

Ass can neither be created nor destroyed. The total count of ass is a universal constant, like Avocado’s number. 

As this is in the wives thread, I'm sure this can be readily disproved.  Without boring you with the science of it, a wife's posterior generally grows in proportion to the number of years married.  

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tbone_

tbone_ 14109

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Posted
Wife said we couldnt weigh our toddler for tracking because hes wearing diaper so its not comparable.  I said I know how much the diaper weighs (25g)

“okay but its full of pee right now so its even heavier”
”…and if 5 minutes ago the pee was in his bladder instead of the diaper the measurement would be different?”
“its a diaper so when the pee soaks it gets even heavier almost like gelatin”
so i pulled out a measuring cup, kitchen scale, and wasted a spare diaper proving to her the principle of Conservation of Ass. and it was worth it because it yielded a “i guess you were right”. 

You know, if you just let them be blissful you’ll have a shot at more pussy. But hey, you got what you wanted I guess.
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tbone_

tbone_ 14109

Posted
Posted
As this is in the wives thread, I'm sure this can be readily disproved.  Without boring you with the science of it, a wife's posterior generally grows in proportion to the number of years married.  

This is mostly correct. Ass can and will definitely be created. But unfortunately it can only be destroyed by young trainers on wives about to split. Offen bolt ons are a precursor to destroyed ass.
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Party_Taco

Party_Taco 3723

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Posted

SUPER fun one today…

First, some background: we’re in the middle of multiple yard projects right now, so the entire backyard is a mess. All of our furniture is under tarps, which did OK against the rain but not against the yard crew this week. Everything looks like this:

5c8e34d3a55ec6166ecc3cd4a4d57ed9.jpg


Despite insisting multiple times that it would not be prudent to clean up the back yard for the party we’re hosting tomorrow, the wife insisted that because it was a nice day, it was now a requirement.

The yard is a straight up mud pit at the moment, and if anyone steps foot back there the house will be a disaster. After arguing all day and stalling on cleaning our patio furniture (which must not be touched with the power washer ‍) I negotiated down to 2 pieces of furniture and cleaning off the deck.

It took 2.5 hours and I’ll be shocked if anyone steps foot outside tomorrow.

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Superhero

Superhero 8827

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Posted

Wife shows me some new sleep aid device (speaker that plays soothing music) she got off the internet. Me playing with the speaker - volume goes from mute to Megadeth concert in about 5 clicks.

Me: The volume control on this thing isn't very sensitive.

Her: Yeah, you said that it was too loud earlier.

Me: I could hear it through my earphones, so yeah, it was pretty loud.

Her: Well then don't use it.

Me: I didn't say I wouldn't use it, just said it was either too quiet or too loud.

Her: Fine, well don't use it.

 

This woman takes everything I say as a criticism. Feel like I'm fucking tiptoeing around the house because she'll misconstrue an innocent comment and start an argument.

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Basil

Basil 754

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I guess not stupid but my wife is usually pretty far on the prom-and-proper side. We just moved and out 15 year old was looking through our previous houses on HAR. He talked some shit about our first house, a 1,200 square foot bungalow in the Houston Heights (shoulda held on to that one). Wife told him not to talk bad about it as he was conceived there. Teenager was not impressed even though that’s what got him here I’m the first place.

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nnm

nnm 36347

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1 hour ago, thunderlounge said:

Flipping through the guide yesterday, and a movie catches my eye. Wife immediate senses this and retorts: "My little butter can suck it, hard."

She got the shoulder-shoulder, hip-hip, coughing hip thrust, with a look of:

 

image.png.6ea3c367af7a3bc68e81a7f3959bf53f.png

Did you have a stroke or something? Is that English?

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Superhero

Superhero 8827

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Posted

Wife and I met with a CFP last weekend, and she's finally digging into her various retirement accounts accumulated over the years. I have a pretty good idea of her roll-overs and current 401(k), but I can't help statements like this:

"Oh... I guess my company opened up a Merrill Lynch account for me when they gave me stock..."

"How much is it worth?"

"$35K"

"Whoohoo! But you seriously didn't know about it?"

"I know they gave me stock, just didn't know where it was..." 

 

Previously her bonuses were all cash. But the company was bought out last year, and she "thought" they said the bonuses would now be split 50% cash / 50% stock. What actually happened was they gave her the same cash bonus as last year and just gave her the equivalent in stock.

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Judge Roybeanbag

Judge Roybeanbag 11819

Posted
Posted
On 12/17/2023 at 7:22 AM, Biff Tannen said:

I almost slept in the guest room last night because I told her to turn on the vent above the stove. 

Im pretty sure the vent above our stove isn’t actually a vent, it’s a fragrance enhancer.  Like it sucks in whatever smell you’re cooking and spits out a version twice as strong.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6647

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SMS exchange

Her: "I got him an electric shaver.

Me: "K. I got him a manicure kit like you mentioned."

Her: "I also got him one. You should ask before you do stuff like that.
Can you get him a black hoodie?"

Me: "Not while he is with me."

Her: "Why is he with you?"

Me: "We need physicals for Winter Camp." (Scouts BSA)

Her: "Fine, I'll do it myself (like always)."

Me: "...Says the person who said I shouldn't have gotten him a manicure kit."

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52-80

52-80 19147

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Visiting the in-laws and wife woke up with “major” toothache. Just dropped her off at emergency private dental clinic. 

I reminded her to get an invoice so we can claim the cost back. Ive been paying $$ every month for private international medical coverage that she wastes because 3 out of 4 times she forgets to ask for the receipt and “its too much hassle” to ask for them to email a replacement. 

So the over/under is 25%. Whos taking the bet for this instance?

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52-80

52-80 19147

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10 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Visiting the in-laws and wife woke up with “major” toothache. Just dropped her off at emergency private dental clinic. 

I reminded her to get an invoice so we can claim the cost back. Ive been paying $$ every month for private international medical coverage that she wastes because 3 out of 4 times she forgets to ask for the receipt and “its too much hassle” to ask for them to email a replacement. 

So the over/under is 25%. Whos taking the bet for this instance?

She walked out with 2 sheets of paper. I was pleasantly satisfied. The papers turned out to be…the (pk + antibio) prescription. 

I lost  

 

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Biff Tannen

Biff Tannen 45665

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11 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Visiting the in-laws and wife woke up with “major” toothache. Just dropped her off at emergency private dental clinic. 

I reminded her to get an invoice so we can claim the cost back. Ive been paying $$ every month for private international medical coverage that she wastes because 3 out of 4 times she forgets to ask for the receipt and “its too much hassle” to ask for them to email a replacement. 

So the over/under is 25%. Whos taking the bet for this instance?

Too much hassle to email?  That’s on you at that point. Make that happen.  

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uoftorange

uoftorange 1386

Posted
Posted
18 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Ive considered this. Medical privacy rules. Cant even finesse my way through it because we dont even share the same last name. 

Login to her email and send it for her?  I have to do that with my wife.  She got "give me your login info or do it yourself, there isn't a third door".  I said it respectfully, but meant it.  Constantly had issues like that but no longer.  

When we first got together I found out she was paying $10K for house insurance, so I set her up with a broker.  Got it to $2800.  Then found out a year later she never canceled the first, so was now paying $12,800 for it.  I dialed the number with her next to me, had her add me as a user.  Then took care of it.  We got lucky that the second insurance was actually through the same company, so they should have done it proactively.  Got a sweet $10K check back.  

She was also subscribed to Netflix twice, was paying 4 times what was needed for car insurance.  

I used to get pissed, but had to realize she's amazing at some things, but this just isn't one of them.  And I am good at it, so it's my thing now, and she lets me have full control over it for that reason.  

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Dnaguy

Dnaguy 11918

Posted
Posted (edited)
On 12/14/2023 at 1:42 PM, 52-80 said:

Wife said we couldnt weigh our toddler for tracking because hes wearing diaper so its not comparable.  I said I know how much the diaper weighs (25g)


“okay but its full of pee right now so its even heavier”

”…and if 5 minutes ago the pee was in his bladder instead of the diaper the measurement would be different?”

“its a diaper so when the pee soaks it gets even heavier almost like gelatin”

so i pulled out a measuring cup, kitchen scale, and wasted a spare diaper proving to her the principle of Conservation of Ass. and it was worth it because it yielded a “i guess you were right”. 

My wife would have continued to argue the merits of basic physics.

Kudos you man. 
You must have married a unicorn that doesn’t believe in magical thinking.

Edited by Dnaguy
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HRSchenker

HRSchenker 2268

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Posted
On 12/25/2023 at 6:02 AM, 52-80 said:

Visiting the in-laws and wife woke up with “major” toothache. Just dropped her off at emergency private dental clinic. 

I reminded her to get an invoice so we can claim the cost back. Ive been paying $$ every month for private international medical coverage that she wastes because 3 out of 4 times she forgets to ask for the receipt and “its too much hassle” to ask for them to email a replacement. 

So the over/under is 25%. Whos taking the bet for this instance?

Are we married to the same woman? I found out last month my wife hasn't filed any dental claims since the pandemic. We've been paying full price for cleanings and fillings this entire time. "Delta Dental says I have to fax in the claim sheets and we don't have a fax machine".

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Frank Drebin

Frank Drebin 5655

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Posted

We were on an extended family trip in Costa Rica from the 16th to the 23rd.  Did not get back until late on the 23rd and were hosting wife's family for Christmas.  So we had a lot to do.

I have never had more (obvious) instructions in my life.  Like 2 seconds before I was about to do something, she would tell me to do it.  Or ask about it.  Or start correcting what I was in the process of. I was constantly working around house all day on 24th and until we served lunch for Christmas.  Which is fine. I like hosting.  But she was just wearing me out.  I finally told her to pause her mouth at least one minute before asking me to do something.   Because I was tired of it and she knows it is a pet peeve of mine for her type A ass to be asking me to do something I am in the process of doing or to be micromanaging how I choose to do something.  No, I can fucking thaw out the turkeys and brisket I smoked just fine like I do on a monthly basis at the ranch.

I finally told her if I did not do it within that minute, to go ahead.  But I am not an idiot.  I know exactly what needs to be done.  But lay the fuck off me with instructions or task lists unless and until you see me idle on the couch,.

My speech went over well!

Just kidding, it did not.  But we are cool, and I love her.

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Superhero

Superhero 8827

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Posted
11 minutes ago, Frank Drebin said:

We were on an extended family trip in Costa Rica from the 16th to the 23rd.  Did not get back until late on the 23rd and were hosting wife's family for Christmas.  So we had a lot to do.

I have never had more (obvious) instructions in my life.  Like 2 seconds before I was about to do something, she would tell me to do it.  Or ask about it.  Or start correcting what I was in the process of. I was constantly working around house all day on 24th and until we served lunch for Christmas.  Which is fine. I like hosting.  But she was just wearing me out.  I finally told her to pause her mouth at least one minute before asking me to do something.   Because I was tired of it and she knows it is a pet peeve of mine for her type A ass to be asking me to do something I am in the process of doing or to be micromanaging how I choose to do something.  No, I can fucking thaw out the turkeys and brisket I smoked just fine like I do on a monthly basis at the ranch.

I finally told her if I did not do it within that minute, to go ahead.  But I am not an idiot.  I know exactly what needs to be done.  But lay the fuck off me with instructions or task lists unless and until you see me idle on the couch,.

My speech went over well!

Just kidding, it did not.  But we are cool, and I love her.

Feel your pain.

My wife tries to micro-manage me at times - telling me what to do, when to do in, and how to do it. Sometimes she'll stand over my shoulder to see if I'm doing it right. My response to her is if she wants it done a certain way, she can do it herself.

We have an unspoken division of labor in the house. I ask her to tidy up, but do the deep clean myself. On weekends, the kitchen belongs to me and she needs to GTFO because she doesn't understand texture and timing..

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nnm

nnm 36347

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Posted

Mrs NNM often asks me to do something by asking me if I want to do it:

“Do you want to take out the trash?”

The true answer is no, I don’t want to. I will be happy to do that, though, if asked nicely. 

Better: “would you please take out the trash?”  Answer:  yes, I will happily do that for you!”

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Kwix

Kwix 2186

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, nnm said:

Mrs NNM often asks me to do something by asking me if I want to do it:

“Do you want to take out the trash?”

The true answer is no, I don’t want to. I will be happy to do that, though, if asked nicely. 

Better: “would you please take out the trash?”  Answer:  yes, I will happily do that for you!”

"should we" is my wife's version. 

 

Should we get the car washed? 

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tigol

tigol 2395

Posted
Posted
Mrs NNM often asks me to do something by asking me if I want to do it:
“Do you want to take out the trash?”
The true answer is no, I don’t want to. I will be happy to do that, though, if asked nicely. 
Better: “would you please take out the trash?”  Answer:  yes, I will happily do that for you!”

Please put a stop to this. Especially if you have kids. My Mom would say shit like this, but would yell it when she expected resistance. It was confusing as shit as a kid. As an adult, it is passive aggressive light. Fuck that shit.
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