Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[You don't know me 1,161]

47 minutes ago, lateshow said:

I'll never begin to understand the anxiety that women develop ment on the day that the cleaning lady comes. 

FIFY

[miguelito 11,219]

1 hour ago, lateshow said:

I'll never begin to understand the anxiety that women development on the day that the cleaning lady comes. 

I'd go one further.

[Beau Vine 54,001]

1 hour ago, lateshow said:

I'll never begin to understand the anxiety that women development on the day that the cleaning lady comes. 

Now we're done.

Edited October 4, 2018 by Beau Vine

[MNLonghornFUKM 8,799]

This hits home. We've had our basement pretty much spotless for open houses the last months. None of us go down there besides to do laundry. After our inspection a few weeks ago l said we have to service the furnace professionally and provide receipt. Furnace guy called today as im heading home for lunch, said hell be there in 10 min(no warning kinda sucks but we shouldnt need it)
Get home..tell her hes on his way..."now? I need to clean" gets up and pretty much had to put a laundry basket away.

Wtf

[Beau Vine 54,001]

BTW, after years of me exhorting her to get a job that actually pays something, wife got a job that pays a decent salary... but, wait for it...

...on my campus... kind of... It's at a state agency center, and it's a few blocks off campus. 

 

She keeps asking if I want to drive in with her, go to lunch, etc...

Today, they're offering free flu shots on campus.  I got mine as soon as they opened and texted her to remind her.  She asked if I wanted to meet her to go get flu shots together. 


WORLDS ARE COLLIDING.  INDEPENDENT BEAU IS GETTING KILLED.

[miguelito 11,219]

1 hour ago, MNLonghornFUKM said:

This hits home. We've had our basement pretty much spotless for open houses the last months. None of us go down there besides to do laundry. After our inspection a few weeks ago l said we have to service the furnace professionally and provide receipt. Furnace guy called today as im heading home for lunch, said hell be there in 10 min(no warning kinda sucks but we shouldnt need it)
Get home..tell her hes on his way..."now? I need to clean" gets up and pretty much had to put a laundry basket away.

Wtf

She had to pretend that the furnace guy hadn't already seen her delicates. 

[shakahorn 1,627]

11 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

BTW, after years of me exhorting her to get a job that actually pays something, wife got a job that pays a decent salary... but, wait for it...

...on my campus... kind of... It's at a state agency center, and it's a few blocks off campus. 

 

She keeps asking if I want to drive in with her, go to lunch, etc...

Today, they're offering free flu shots on campus.  I got mine as soon as they opened and texted her to remind her.  She asked if I wanted to meet her to go get flu shots together. 


WORLDS ARE COLLIDING.  INDEPENDENT BEAU IS GETTING KILLED.

Right, but the additional money she brings in will help to ease the load.  She'll start picking up bills, paying for her own stuff...

[lateshow 1,304]

5 minutes ago, shakahorn said:

Right, but the additional money she brings in will help to ease the load.  She'll start picking up bills, paying for her own stuff...

[Beau Vine 54,001]

1 minute ago, shakahorn said:

Right, but the additional money she brings in will help to ease the load.  She'll start picking up bills, paying for her own stuff...

You already know she bought a shitload of new clothes for the new job, don't you?  And you're just taunting me, aren't you?

[You don't know me 1,161]

31 minutes ago, Beau Vine said:

BTW, after years of me exhorting her to get a job that actually pays something, wife got a job that pays a decent salary... but, wait for it...

...on my campus... kind of... It's at a state agency center, and it's a few blocks off campus. 

 

She keeps asking if I want to drive in with her, go to lunch, etc...

Today, they're offering free flu shots on campus.  I got mine as soon as they opened and texted her to remind her.  She asked if I wanted to meet her to go get flu shots together. 


WORLDS ARE COLLIDING.  INDEPENDENT BEAU IS GETTING KILLED.

I get to work around 7:15 every morning.  There's a guy that works in the same complex as I do that gets dropped off by his wife around the same time.  Every morning, as she is driving off, he's watching her and walking very slowly.  As soon as she turns the corner, he pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, turns around, and walks back around the corner of my building.  This happens every single day.

I can't imagine driving in to work with my wife like that.  My drive to work and home is about the only peace and quiet that I get.

[Poolflood 845]

17 hours ago, crimsonlonghorn said:

I work from home so I'm usually the one who "gets ready" for the cleaning lady each week. I don't travel a whole lot, but I do travel for work some and Mrs CL has lately started complaining lately about the cleaning lady coming when I'm out of town. Apparently it's too much work for her to spend the 10 minutes that I normally spend getting the house ready picking up dirty clothes and putting away breakfast dishes. She says it's hard enough already to get the kids out of bed and off to school by herself. (Normally this is my job, too)

This week I have to leave town. Cleaning lady is supposed to come on Wednesday (today). Mrs CL tells me to tell the cleaning lady not to come at all. She "can't handle" the extra work. I tell her OK, but point out that the house will now go two weeks without getting cleaned up and it needs it.

Never fear she says, I'll do a little cleaning myself before I go to work. I ask about this obvious contradiction and apparently that's a TONE-worthy question I shouldn't be asking. 

These are the texts I started getting during my breakfast meeting this morning in Chicago:

 

There's a joke about "sucking" in here but the whole thing is just too sad

[Hook1997 5,287]

17 hours ago, SuperSurly said:

She's a charmer!

Who’s that angry that early in the am?  Some deep seeded anger with that one, I hope she doesn’t kill CL or the maid...

[Modessit 5,596]

I'm thinking he married a dude. Women don't text like that even if they get pissed enough to talk like that.

[Jameslaw121 4,445]

1 hour ago, You don't know me said:

I get to work around 7:15 every morning.  There's a guy that works in the same complex as I do that gets dropped off by his wife around the same time.  Every morning, as she is driving off, he's watching her and walking very slowly.  As soon as she turns the corner, he pulls a cigarette out of his pocket, turns around, and walks back around the corner of my building.  This happens every single day.

I can't imagine driving in to work with my wife like that.  My drive to work and home is about the only peace and quiet that I get.

Yup - there was a 6 month period when I was waiting for my new office to open that I commuted about 45 minutes each way with my now ex. It was horrible. And that was back when we actually liked each other

[AM Wood 335]

Who takes the time to text while they are failing? “The vacuum, the filter, the kids..... blah blah blah texting”.

 

a man would never do that. He would focus and quit failing and get the job DONE before even thinking about picking up the stupid phone. 

 

Women think they they are Facebook celebrities now and that everyone is interested in their mundane shitty lives.

[JimmyHoffa 1,188]

Mrs. Hoffa and I are leaving work at the same time today. 

I am already in my car garage door open getting ready to back out as Mrs. Hoffa is coming out of the house. I start backing up and hear a large crash, so I stop. 

Mrs. Hoffa instead of pushing the button for her garage door she pushed mine, you know the one I was backing out of. The garage door didn't do any damage to the car and just hit the top before the sensor reversed it. however that isn't why I am posting, it was the conversation after-

 

Me- How the hell did that happen?

Her- My finger slipped and hit your opener and not mine

Me- Lucky it doesn't look like there is any damage

Her- How did you not see the door was coming down when you were backing out????

Me- 

[Cheeseweasel 26,437]

18 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

WORLDS ARE COLLIDING.  INDEPENDENT BEAU IS GETTING KILLED.

All George refs get an instant upvote. Well done!

[hullabelew 3,702]

20 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

BTW, after years of me exhorting her to get a job that actually pays something, wife got a job that pays a decent salary... but, wait for it...

...on my campus... kind of... It's at a state agency center, and it's a few blocks off campus. 

 

She keeps asking if I want to drive in with her, go to lunch, etc...

Today, they're offering free flu shots on campus.  I got mine as soon as they opened and texted her to remind her.  She asked if I wanted to meet her to go get flu shots together. 


WORLDS ARE COLLIDING.  INDEPENDENT BEAU IS GETTING KILLED.

My office was closed years ago, so I ended up getting a job in the same office as my wife.  When our kids were still at home, we rode separately as we had different work times, but after they left the house, we started riding together.  It was fucking hell.  I don't wish that on anyone.  Thankfully, she retired last year, so I can drive to work in peaceful bliss.  

Little advice:  If you are stupid enough to marry someone you work with, one of you needs to change jobs.  Life is too fucking short.  

 

[ABSR 5,289]

19 hours ago, AM Wood said:

Women think they they are Facebook celebrities now and that everyone is  their husbands are interested in their mundane shitty lives.

Fixed it.

[JimmyHoffa 1,188]

2 hours ago, hullabelew said:

 

Little advice:  If you are stupid enough to marry someone you work with, one of you needs to change jobs.  Life is too fucking short.  

 

 

HA. 100% accurate. My wife and I met and started dating while working together. That lasted 2 years and we both took different jobs. It was however a great test to the relationship and what marriage would look like.  

[tbone_ 14,021]

Mrs. Hoffa and I are leaving work at the same time today. 
I am already in my car garage door open getting ready to back out as Mrs. Hoffa is coming out of the house. I start backing up and hear a large crash, so I stop. 
Mrs. Hoffa instead of pushing the button for her garage door she pushed mine, you know the one I was backing out of. The garage door didn't do any damage to the car and just hit the top before the sensor reversed it. however that isn't why I am posting, it was the conversation after-
 
Me- How the hell did that happen?
Her- My finger slipped and hit your opener and not mine
Me- Lucky it doesn't look like there is any damage
Her- How did you not see the door was coming down when you were backing out????
Me- 

Of course it’s your fault, asshole.

[Kwix 2,186]

13 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

Mrs. Hoffa and I are leaving work at the same time today. 

I am already in my car garage door open getting ready to back out as Mrs. Hoffa is coming out of the house. I start backing up and hear a large crash, so I stop. 

Mrs. Hoffa instead of pushing the button for her garage door she pushed mine, you know the one I was backing out of. The garage door didn't do any damage to the car and just hit the top before the sensor reversed it. however that isn't why I am posting, it was the conversation after-

 

Me- How the hell did that happen?

Her- My finger slipped and hit your opener and not mine

Me- Lucky it doesn't look like there is any damage

Her- How did you not see the door was coming down when you were backing out????

Me- 

I've instituted a rule for this situation. No one is allowed to open or close any garage door while one of us is pulling in or out. 

 

Otherwise it seemed like only a matter of time until I posted the first part of your story myself. 

[bigcigar 1,161]

I have a fun submission. My wife leaves important mail on the counter for me to look at before filing (shoving in her desk). A few weeks ago our Texas OU tickets came in. I glanced at them and said neat. We went to dinner and I didn’t think much of it.

A day or so later the tickets disappear. I didn’t think much of it...she generally clears the counter when people come over. Tonight she asks me where I put the tickets. I said I left them on the counter, but she doesn’t believe me and frantically searches my laptop bag and asks me to look in my car. Because logically, tickets go in the car I guess. Turns out I didn’t do anything with the tickets.

She lost the tickets. Meaning she threw them away while stress cleaning. So no corn dog or wax paper cup beer for me this year. She doesn’t do or say much stupid shit, but this may make up for how easy I have it. 

Next year I guess they’re going in my car.

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

Your fault

[gecko 1,104]

Never leave important mail and particularly longhorn football tickets under the control of your wife. This is a rule.....

[tbone_ 14,021]

That’s harsh

[G650 14,106]

It truly never ends. 'Where should I put the kids toys you ask? Why the doorway to the garage storage room of course.

 

[tbone_ 14,021]

Clean that carpet stain man

[G650 14,106]

2 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Clean that carpet stain man

Nah, it's the garage. 

 

I'm trying to remember what it was. I think its epoxy hardener. 

[PilotsError 2,282]

The ticket thing is 100 percent your fault.  No ifs, ands or buts.  

No OU game either.

[G650 14,106]

41 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Clean that carpet stain man

Did find something I thought you would appreciate. 

 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,781]

Who puts carpet in the garage?

[G650 14,106]

10 minutes ago, NeverMarryAStripper said:

Who puts carpet in the garage?

The people that lived there before me. They put a wall up to divide the garage and make a playroom for the kids. I knocked it out to get the garage space back, but left a strip of carpet from the door to the house to the closet so its nice to walk on barefoot.

[AM Wood 335]

41 minutes ago, G650 said:

Did find something I thought you would appreciate. 

 

That’s a long ass toe next to the fat one. Is it prehensile?

[G650 14,106]

I wish.

[EE2B 1,561]

I have a fun submission. My wife leaves important mail on the counter for me to look at before filing (shoving in her desk). A few weeks ago our Texas OU tickets came in. I glanced at them and said neat. We went to dinner and I didn’t think much of it.
A day or so later the tickets disappear. I didn’t think much of it...she generally clears the counter when people come over. Tonight she asks me where I put the tickets. I said I left them on the counter, but she doesn’t believe me and frantically searches my laptop bag and asks me to look in my car. Because logically, tickets go in the car I guess. Turns out I didn’t do anything with the tickets.
She lost the tickets. Meaning she threw them away while stress cleaning. So no corn dog or wax paper cup beer for me this year. She doesn’t do or say much stupid shit, but this may make up for how easy I have it. 
Next year I guess they’re going in my car.

Did you get the tickets through the Texas Box Office? If so, I’m pretty sure they would have reissued them to you. We’ve had similar issues when traveling in groups with people forgetting their tickets. The ticket offices have always been really good about replacing them.

[bigcigar 1,161]

Yep - they told me this morning after I already bought replacements. Stupid thing...

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

Is carpet in your garage a humble brag?

[ernest_t_bass 1,196]

2 minutes ago, bigcigar said:

Yep - they told me this morning after I already bought replacements. Stupid thing...

I don't really see a whole lot of "stupid wife" in your story. 

[bigcigar 1,161]

I think you may be right 

[G650 14,106]

18 minutes ago, ernest_t_bass said:

Is carpet in your garage a humble brag?

Lazy brag maybe.

[Sandman 3,402]

My wife is a complete drama queen, especially when it comes to her job. I'm constantly getting texts like "I just want to crawl in a hole and cry right now" or "I'm trying SO HARD not to cry" and it's about dumb shit that no sane human would cry about. I finally got tired of it and told her to get a new job. She then says her job isn't so bad. JFC.

[Modessit 5,596]

It's not about the nail.

[Modessit 5,596]

During the game, my wife took the kids to the back room to watch some HBO kids movie on demand. Comes and tells me that something was wrong because it was showing a double screen (left and right side). I went back and checked a different channel and it was fine. Went back to the movie and it was double screen. As I'm checking, my wife says, "Do you think it has something to do with it being in 3D?"

 

I just about threw the remote at her as I went back to watching the game.

 

 

[Pato del Muerto 52,342]

20 hours ago, bigcigar said:

I have a fun submission. My wife leaves important mail on the counter for me to look at before filing (shoving in her desk). A few weeks ago our Texas OU tickets came in. I glanced at them and said neat. We went to dinner and I didn’t think much of it.

A day or so later the tickets disappear. I didn’t think much of it...she generally clears the counter when people come over. Tonight she asks me where I put the tickets. I said I left them on the counter, but she doesn’t believe me and frantically searches my laptop bag and asks me to look in my car. Because logically, tickets go in the car I guess. Turns out I didn’t do anything with the tickets.

She lost the tickets. Meaning she threw them away while stress cleaning. So no corn dog or wax paper cup beer for me this year. She doesn’t do or say much stupid shit, but this may make up for how easy I have it. 

Next year I guess they’re going in my car.

At least you didn’t miss much

[bigcigar 1,161]

24 minutes ago, Pato del Muerto said:

At least you didn’t miss much

Box office told me to go through will call, so didn’t miss a thing. Crisis adverted

[Jim Tom Pinch 120]

On 10/4/2018 at 4:10 PM, Modessit said:

I'm thinking he married a dude. Women don't text like that even if they get pissed enough to talk like that.

Funny, I’m thinking he married my ex...

[wd40 1,976]

Crazy Iris was a tiger in the sack, tho.

Tryin' one,

Astronaut Jones

[Fudge Nuggets 19,151]

On 10/4/2018 at 3:58 AM, crimsonlonghorn said:

I work from home so I'm usually the one who "gets ready" for the cleaning lady each week. I don't travel a whole lot, but I do travel for work some and Mrs CL has lately started complaining lately about the cleaning lady coming when I'm out of town. Apparently it's too much work for her to spend the 10 minutes that I normally spend getting the house ready picking up dirty clothes and putting away breakfast dishes. She says it's hard enough already to get the kids out of bed and off to school by herself. (Normally this is my job, too)

This week I have to leave town. Cleaning lady is supposed to come on Wednesday (today). Mrs CL tells me to tell the cleaning lady not to come at all. She "can't handle" the extra work. I tell her OK, but point out that the house will now go two weeks without getting cleaned up and it needs it.

Never fear she says, I'll do a little cleaning myself before I go to work. I ask about this obvious contradiction and apparently that's a TONE-worthy question I shouldn't be asking. 

These are the texts I started getting during my breakfast meeting this morning in Chicago:

 

She’s a class act.

[tbone_ 14,021]

Did find something I thought you would appreciate. 
 

Yep.

1. Look how far the strings are pulled. Damn.

2. Dean should have put the Kiss stickers on those remakes.