Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Corn Whiskey 32]

One more, I was looking in the paper one afternoon when I saw a classified ad that was selling a compound bow. I said there is a 50 to 70 pound compound bow for sale. She replied, “isn’t that a little heavy to be carrying around?”

[nnm 36,472]

35 minutes ago, Corn Whiskey said:

Mrs. ExCorn Whiskey and I were driving out in the country one day when she asked, “Is there any of those horned rabbits around here?

 

My 28-year old daughter, a very intelligent medical professional (married to a former SF guy, so no pics, otherwise he would have to shoot you) thought until last year that jackalopes were a real thing.  She was born in Albuquerque and lived in Santa Fe until her 10th birthday, and they were a regular fixture around town.  The Jackalope Mercado/store is fairly prominent in Santa Fe (https://jackalope.com/), so she just went with it.  

[BearSchlong 8,100]

Well, my wife believed this was true.

https://laketravislifestyle.com/lake-travis-full-for-4th-of-july-weekend/

[Corn Whiskey 32]

5 minutes ago, BearSchlong said:

Well, my wife believed this was true.

https://laketravislifestyle.com/lake-travis-full-for-4th-of-july-weekend/

Thats awesome. 

[luke duke 6,413]

Well, my wife believed this was true.

https://laketravislifestyle.com/lake-travis-full-for-4th-of-july-weekend/

She sounds gorgeous.

[tbone_ 14,132]

We were on an extended family trip in Costa Rica from the 16th to the 23rd.  Did not get back until late on the 23rd and were hosting wife's family for Christmas.  So we had a lot to do.
I have never had more (obvious) instructions in my life.  Like 2 seconds before I was about to do something, she would tell me to do it.  Or ask about it.  Or start correcting what I was in the process of. I was constantly working around house all day on 24th and until we served lunch for Christmas.  Which is fine. I like hosting.  But she was just wearing me out.  I finally told her to pause her mouth at least one minute before asking me to do something.   Because I was tired of it and she knows it is a pet peeve of mine for her type A ass to be asking me to do something I am in the process of doing or to be micromanaging how I choose to do something.  No, I can fucking thaw out the turkeys and brisket I smoked just fine like I do on a monthly basis at the ranch.
I finally told her if I did not do it within that minute, to go ahead.  But I am not an idiot.  I know exactly what needs to be done.  But lay the fuck off me with instructions or task lists unless and until you see me idle on the couch,.
My speech went over well!
Just kidding, it did not.  But we are cool, and I love her.

Man if you are going to be life partners with a ball buster like that you have to learn to tell her to stfu. Which it seems like you did. But you can not let that aggression stand man.

[Modessit 5,603]

I'm driving. Wife is watching Love Actually (again) on her phone (I've never seen it and don't desire to).

Wife: Did you know Rick Allen is in this?

Me: What? Rick Allen?

Her: You know - he was in Harry Potter.

Me: Rick Allen? The drummer from Def Leppard?

Her: I meant Alan Rickman. (Pause) You'd better not post this on that thread!

Narrator: He posted it.

[NWBuck 8,571]

10 hours ago, Corn Whiskey said:

One more, I was looking in the paper one afternoon when I saw a classified ad that was selling a compound bow. I said there is a 50 to 70 pound compound bow for sale. She replied, “isn’t that a little heavy to be carrying around?”

"If I go any lighter, it won't have enough stopping power for those horned rabbits" 

[GoPokes83 2,240]

More on me, but she told me she wanted to start listening to Brown Sounds at night to help her go to sleep in under 7 minutes after seeing it on some bullshit commercial and I asked her if she meant like toilet sounds? WTF is wrong with me, am I a first grader? And if she wants to go to sleep that fast all I have to do is let her know I’d enjoy some sex and she’s out like a light! Or at least is pretty good at pretending to be.

[Dennis Taylor 18,839]

On 12/27/2023 at 8:27 AM, Budkudzu said:

One of our cats shit on the basement stairs last night.  Guess who's fault it was? 

Yours, for allowing a cat...let alone multiple 

[tbone_ 14,132]

More on me, but she told me she wanted to start listening to Brown Sounds at night to help her go to sleep in under 7 minutes after seeing it on some bullshit commercial and I asked her if she meant like toilet sounds? WTF is wrong with me, am I a first grader? And if she wants to go to sleep that fast all I have to do is let her know I’d enjoy some sex and she’s out like a light! Or at least is pretty good at pretending to be.

She’s telling you she wants to listen to old Van Halen before she goes to bed

[ABSR 5,319]

17 hours ago, GoPokes83 said:

More on me, but she told me she wanted to start listening to Brown Sounds at night to help her go to sleep in under 7 minutes after seeing it on some bullshit commercial and I asked her if she meant like toilet sounds? WTF is wrong with me, am I a first grader? And if she wants to go to sleep that fast all I have to do is let her know I’d enjoy some sex and she’s out like a light! Or at least is pretty good at pretending to be.

She’s trying to tell you to bring another girl and a cup into the bedroom.

[Incredulity 11,678]

On 12/27/2023 at 4:43 PM, luke duke said:

She sounds gorgeous.

[Incredulity 11,678]

On 12/27/2023 at 6:18 PM, Modessit said:

I'm driving. Wife is watching Love Actually (again) on her phone (I've never seen it and don't desire to).

Wife: Did you know Rick Allen is in this?

Me: What? Rick Allen?

Her: You know - he was in Harry Potter.

Me: Rick Allen? The drummer from Def Leppard?

Her: I meant Alan Rickman. (Pause) You'd better not post this on that thread!

Narrator: He posted it.

[Nivek 16,946]

Wife is watching TV in another room, kids are all occupied. I sit down and start watching the FSU Georgia game. Wife comes in to tell me that some of the technoblade shirts I got for my kid only come in adult sizes, that’s why they are too big for him.

I don’t know what to say. Yeah?

[Sandman 3,403]

On 12/27/2023 at 2:48 PM, nnm said:

Mrs NNM often asks me to do something by asking me if I want to do it:

“Do you want to take out the trash?”

The true answer is no, I don’t want to. I will be happy to do that, though, if asked nicely. 

Better: “would you please take out the trash?”  Answer:  yes, I will happily do that for you!”

My ex-wife's move was to say "This garbage sure needs to go out", she wouldn't ask me to do it, she'd just say it out loud. I said just ask me to take it out or take it out yourself. No need for this crap. She also liked to say shit like "I sure am thirsty" instead of just asking if I would get her a drink (which I would've happily done).

Once I asked her what she would say if I walked into the room with her and announced "This laundry sure needs washed" or my personal favorite "This dick sure needs sucked". She just sulked and gave me the silent treatment.

[CycleTex87 2,977]

On 12/28/2023 at 12:11 PM, tbone_ said:

She’s telling you she wants to listen to old Van Halen before she goes to bed

 

 

 

Pretty interesting.  I like Rick Beato’s stuff. 

[uoftorange 1,386]

14 hours ago, Sandman said:

My ex-wife's move was to say "This garbage sure needs to go out", she wouldn't ask me to do it, she'd just say it out loud. I said just ask me to take it out or take it out yourself. No need for this crap. She also liked to say shit like "I sure am thirsty" instead of just asking if I would get her a drink (which I would've happily done).

Once I asked her what she would say if I walked into the room with her and announced "This laundry sure needs washed" or my personal favorite "This dick sure needs sucked". She just sulked and gave me the silent treatment.

It may be the most infuriating thing women do.  I'm sure some men do too, but just hasn't been something I've seen much.  The only thing that trumps this is "we should do x" when she means "I need you to do x".  Mostly she catches herself now because she knows she's about to get made fun of.  

[956 Worldwide 34,728]

53 minutes ago, uoftorange said:

It may be the most infuriating thing women do.  I'm sure some men do too, but just hasn't been something I've seen much.  The only thing that trumps this is "we should do x" when she means "I need you to do x".  Mostly she catches herself now because she knows she's about to get made fun of.  

I disagree, that is a very infuriating thing, but the most infuriating thing is when they sense the moment you’re content and come along to ask some inane question or ask you to do something or watch videos on her phone with the sound on. 

[uoftorange 1,386]

25 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

I disagree, that is a very infuriating thing, but the most infuriating thing is when they sense the moment you’re content and come along to ask some inane question or ask you to do something or watch videos on her phone with the sound on. 

All fair entries.  I meant to say "most infuriating in that same vein of action".  Definitely some crazier stuff than "we" haha

[Nivek 16,946]

Wife gets on me about the clutter in the house.  A lot of kid stuff, our stuff, piles of things.   She is proud of herself for cleaning up and clearing out some of the clutter.  I agree.  Then I notice it is just in a pile by the door, or a pile in the back of the car.    

 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Wife gets on me about the clutter in the house.  A lot of kid stuff, our stuff, piles of things.   She is proud of herself for cleaning up and clearing out some of the clutter.  I agree.  Then I notice it is just in a pile by the door, or a pile in the back of the car.    
 

Me to my wife: "This [cup / mint wrapper / paper sack] has been on the floorboard of the Tahoe for a few weeks now.
Want me to throw it away when we get out?"

Her: "How about you just leave my stuff alone & let ME deal with MY stuff?"

Next time we ride in the Tahoe again [prob. 10+ days later]...

Yep, [insignificant trash item] still there.

[tx ind 7,013]

Or just throw it away?

[Snake Diggity 4,625]

On 12/21/2023 at 5:25 PM, Superhero said:

Wife and I met with a CFP last weekend, and she's finally digging into her various retirement accounts accumulated over the years. I have a pretty good idea of her roll-overs and current 401(k), but I can't help statements like this:

"Oh... I guess my company opened up a Merrill Lynch account for me when they gave me stock..."

"How much is it worth?"

"$35K"

"Whoohoo! But you seriously didn't know about it?"

"I know they gave me stock, just didn't know where it was..." 

 

Previously her bonuses were all cash. But the company was bought out last year, and she "thought" they said the bonuses would now be split 50% cash / 50% stock. What actually happened was they gave her the same cash bonus as last year and just gave her the equivalent in stock.

I can promise you my wife will never make the “mistake” of accidentally saving $35,000.

On 12/27/2023 at 12:46 PM, Frank Drebin said:

We were on an extended family trip in Costa Rica from the 16th to the 23rd.  Did not get back until late on the 23rd and were hosting wife's family for Christmas.  So we had a lot to do.

I have never had more (obvious) instructions in my life.  Like 2 seconds before I was about to do something, she would tell me to do it.  Or ask about it.  Or start correcting what I was in the process of. I was constantly working around house all day on 24th and until we served lunch for Christmas.  Which is fine. I like hosting.  But she was just wearing me out.  I finally told her to pause her mouth at least one minute before asking me to do something.   Because I was tired of it and she knows it is a pet peeve of mine for her type A ass to be asking me to do something I am in the process of doing or to be micromanaging how I choose to do something.  No, I can fucking thaw out the turkeys and brisket I smoked just fine like I do on a monthly basis at the ranch.

I finally told her if I did not do it within that minute, to go ahead.  But I am not an idiot.  I know exactly what needs to be done.  But lay the fuck off me with instructions or task lists unless and until you see me idle on the couch,.

My speech went over well!

Just kidding, it did not.  But we are cool, and I love her.

 Yep, rage.  Wife wants to be the boss but not pay any of the cost.

 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Or just throw it away?

& Then she says "Why did you throw away ___ ‽‽"

Same goes for junk mail. She will get stuff from the mailbox. Walk right past the recycling toter, deposit a pile (or 1... 2 different things) & maybe 1× every week (if that often) month sort the crap out.
Me, I stop right there @ the cans & toss the ads, "you're pre-approved for a CC" crap, etc.

[TrashMaster G 17,568]

25 minutes ago, ROFL BOX said:

& Then she says "Why did you throw away ___ ‽‽"

Same goes for junk mail. She will get stuff from the mailbox. Walk right past the recycling tower, deposit a pile (or 1... 2 different things) & maybe 1× every week (if that often) month sort the crap out.
Me, I stop right there @ the cans & toss the ads, "you're pre-approved for a CC" crap, etc.

"Because that's what we do with trash."

[CycleTex87 2,977]

10 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Me to my wife: "This [cup / mint wrapper / paper sack] has been on the floorboard of the Tahoe for a few weeks now.
Want me to throw it away when we get out?"

Her: "How about you just leave my stuff alone & let ME deal with MY stuff?"

Next time we ride in the Tahoe again [prob. 10+ days later]...

Yep, [insignificant trash item] still there.

 

4 hours ago, tx ind said:

Or just throw it away?

This is the answer.  If it's trivial trash in the floorboard, it's a little passive aggressive to just keep pointing it out.  Just get rid of it and don't make a deal out of it.  

[HenryJames 66,133]

On 12/27/2023 at 2:41 PM, BearSchlong said:

Well, my wife believed this was true.

https://laketravislifestyle.com/lake-travis-full-for-4th-of-july-weekend/

Pics?

[tx ind 7,013]

3 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

"Because that's what we do with trash."

Username checks out

[Jameslaw121 4,448]

Couple of nights ago, I was driving the family (wife, 2 kids) home to drop them off before I ran a couple of errands. They get out of the car, son (about 10) picks up his whataburger bag and throws it away in the trash bin as he's waling to the house. I rolled down my windows and shouted at my wife "Did you just see what Logan did????"

wife "What? He threw his trash away?

me "I didn't know we were allowed to do that! I thought we had to leave the trash on the floorboard until dad got angry and took the car to get cleaned."

wife : tone

 

[tbone_ 14,132]

My ex used to trash her car. Whatever, her car. When she would drive my car and leave trash in it, I would just take it out and put it in her car. Problem solved.

[Superhero 8,830]

On 12/31/2023 at 6:58 PM, Sandman said:

My ex-wife's move was to say "This garbage sure needs to go out", she wouldn't ask me to do it, she'd just say it out loud. I said just ask me to take it out or take it out yourself. No need for this crap. She also liked to say shit like "I sure am thirsty" instead of just asking if I would get her a drink (which I would've happily done).

My wife used to makes statement like those. I usually just look at her and ask "What do you want me to do about it?"

After 18 years together, I think she's almost caught on and now asks me to do things instead of expecting me to read her mind.

 

8 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

& Then she says "Why did you throw away ___ ‽‽"

All of this... God forbid I throw away a receipt. She'll go (or make me) dumpster dive until she finds that receipt. If it's so important, then put somewhere instead of leaving it on the kitchen island.

 

4 hours ago, tbone_ said:

My ex used to trash her car. Whatever, her car. When she would drive my car and leave trash in it, I would just take it out and put it in her car. Problem solved.

Luckily my wife keeps her cars immaculate. Her 3 year old car looks brand new. Even the backseat is relatively clean even though she shuttles the kids around a lot more. OTOH, my daughter is a walking disaster, clothes everywhere and will leave all sorts of stuff in my car unless I keep hounding her to take it down with her.

[Biff Tannen 45,692]

My wife can't walk in a straight line in the airport, grocery store, etc.  Basically anywhere a lot of people are also walking.  She meanders.  So someone is coming up behind her and tries to pass her, but she inevitably sways into their chosen path and cuts them off.  I constantly have to grab her and pull her to the side to avoid collisions.

[gofuckyourself 8,339]

2 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

My wife can't walk in a straight line in the airport, grocery store, etc.  Basically anywhere a lot of people are also walking.  She meanders.  So someone is coming up behind her and tries to pass her, but she inevitably sways into their chosen path and cuts them off.  I constantly have to grab her and pull her to the side to avoid collisions.

[Brisketexan 105,161]

Jesus H. Christ. Watching a movie with my wife around is a 5 hour deal. Why? Because she needs to talk to me about this. And that. And she and my daughter need to talk about Britney Spears new book. And the recipe for salmon croquettes. I am 36 minutes into a movie I started 90 minutes ago. And it’s paused…because she’s about to talk to me again.

[Armybrat 40,851]

18 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

Jesus H. Christ. Watching a movie with my wife around is a 5 hour deal. Why? Because she needs to talk to me about this. And that. And she and my daughter need to talk about Britney Spears new book. And the recipe for salmon croquettes. I am 36 minutes into a movie I started 90 minutes ago. And it’s paused…because she’s about to talk to me again.

Quote

recipe for salmon croquettes

Am waiting 

[tigol 2,398]

20 minutes ago, Armybrat said:

Am waiting 

Ooooh, yes that sounds like a winner.

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,909]

My mom used to make salmon croquettes and they were awesome 

[Brisketexan 105,161]

Am waiting 

Hell if I know. Canned salmon, flour, milk, salt and pepper, corn flakes. Damned tasty, super mid-century.

[gofuckyourself 8,339]

Growing up I never knew what we were eating were called "croquettes."

Y'all fancy.

Our white trashy family called them salmon patties, which always evoked cow patties in my youthful vulgar mind.

Beyond the name, I hated those dessicated canned salmon franken-fish abominations.

[PantsTent 2,002]

Growing up I never knew what we were eating were called "croquettes."
Y'all fancy.
Our white trashy family called them salmon patties, which always evoked cow patties in my youthful vulgar mind.
Beyond the name, I hated those dessicated canned salmon franken-fish abominations.

Yep, always salmon patties during lent but I liked them with french fries. I think there was onion and bell pepper mixed in.

[Armybrat 40,851]

8 hours ago, PantsTent said:

Yep, always salmon patties during lent but I liked them with french fries. I think there was onion and bell pepper mixed in.

Yep, Mrs. Brat is a devout Catholic, so every Friday is fish day in our household.

Edited January 4 by Armybrat

[Budkudzu 280]

12 hours ago, Brisketexan said:

Jesus H. Christ. Watching a movie with my wife around is a 5 hour deal. Why? Because she needs to talk to me about this. And that. And she and my daughter need to talk about Britney Spears new book. And the recipe for salmon croquettes. I am 36 minutes into a movie I started 90 minutes ago. And it’s paused…because she’s about to talk to me again.

I also have to put it on pause every time she watches Sister Wives videos on her phone.  

[Lidig8r 1,873]

3 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Yep, Mrs. Brat is a devout Catholic, so every Friday is fish day in our household.

Mrs. Paul's Frozen Fish Sticks?

With frozen crinkle fries you put on a baking sheet and toss in the oven?

THE Friday dinner for Catholic families in the Midwest.

[Brisketexan 105,161]

Just now, Lidig8r said:

Mrs. Paul's Frozen Fish Sticks?

With frozen crinkle fries you put on a baking sheet and toss in the oven?

THE Friday dinner for Catholic families in the Midwest.

Would smash right now, no questions asked.  My dad was a fancy messican, you didn't serve any of that pre-made shit to him.  BUT, when he was out of town for work, I got "dad's out of town" meals, including fish sticks and kraft mac n cheese and such.  Some of my favorite meals as a young lad.

[TrashMaster G 17,568]

3 hours ago, Armybrat said:

Yep, Mrs. Brat is a devout Catholic, so every Friday is fish day in our household.

Is she aware the Catholic Church backed off of that about 40 years ago?

[Brisketexan 105,161]

4 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Is she aware the Catholic Church backed off of that about 40 years ago?

So....you're aware that Brat and Mrs. Brat are really old, right?  Like "I don't know, this new Council of Nicea shit doesn't sit right with me" old.

[PvilleStang 2,916]

33 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

So....you're aware that Brat and Mrs. Brat are really old, right?  Like "I don't know, this new Council of Nicea shit doesn't sit right with me" old.

I hear he remembers the fall of Constantinople. 

[Armybrat 40,851]

39 minutes ago, Brisketexan said:

So....you're aware that Brat and Mrs. Brat are really old, right?  Like "I don't know, this new Council of Nicea shit doesn't sit right with me" old.

The Church turned commie with Vatican II.

[BearSchlong 8,100]

Hell if I know. Canned salmon, flour, milk, salt and pepper, corn flakes. Damned tasty, super mid-century.

My Grandfather’s favorite. I hated them when I was a kid, but I sure love them now.

Sometimes they have them at Luby’s.