Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

tbone_ · January 11

Breakfast conversation this morning:
Me: How did you sleep last night?
Her : Fine but I had a disheartening dream that you divorced me.
Me: How did we split up the cats? (I knew where this was going so I tried to derail it)
Her: You got the good ones. It was very disheartening.
Me: Why did I leave you and who did I leave you for? Was it Taylor Swift? She's not my type but she's rich and I'd try to be a good gigolo.
Her: I'm not sure who it was. Maybe because you got better sex?
Me: You do realize this was YOUR dream, right?
Her: I know, but it was disheartening.
If she brings it up again, I'm just going to say it will be for someone with bigger tits and leave it at that. At least she'll have a real reason to be upset.

Simple rule of marriage: You ain’t really married until you’ve had to apologize for something you did in her dream.

Kennythetiger · January 11

3 hours ago, Crapinon said:

Breakfast conversation this morning:

Me: How did you sleep last night?

Her : Fine but I had a disheartening dream that you divorced me.

Me: How did we split up the cats? (I knew where this was going so I tried to derail it)

Her: You got the good ones. It was very disheartening.

Me: Why did I leave you and who did I leave you for? Was it Taylor Swift? She's not my type but she's rich and I'd try to be a good gigolo.

Her: I'm not sure who it was. Maybe because you got better sex?

Me: You do realize this was YOUR dream, right?

Her: I know, but it was disheartening.

If she brings it up again, I'm just going to say it will be for someone with bigger tits and leave it at that. At least she'll have a real reason to be upset.

Which cats are the good ones and which ones are the bad ones?

Crapinon · January 11

1 minute ago, Kennythetiger said:

Which cats are the good ones and which ones are the bad ones?

We have 4. One is 22 years old, deaf and nuts. She just sleeps by her food bowl and yells for food every time someone walks by. The other is 19 and senile. She sleeps most of the time, unless she's staring at her water bowl or the wall. They're the bad ones because their senile and annoying. We wake up every morning expecting to find them dead.

The two good ones are rescue cats both less than two years old. We have them because we honestly though the others would be dead now. The lady across the road won't get her cats fixed and they have litter after litter. They get lost as kittens and end up at our house for some reason. We live in the country and they would be coyote food if they weren't captured. We've given away, fostered and raised almost 30 of them over the years. We're pretty sure that cats have somehow marked our house with "suckers" and they know we won't let them die.

Wiler77 · January 11

On 1/8/2024 at 3:44 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Anyone else's wife buy a fuck ton of clothes online (like $500+ worth at a time) because she's "going to return most of them"? To be fair, she does return most of them, but there has to be a better way.

I wish it was just online. Someone mentioned value of time. My wife goes to the store and buys a fuck ton of clothes with the intent to try them on again at home and decide what she wants to keep before having to go BACK to the store at some point to return them. Sometimes she'll come home with clothes for me, which I ask her every time not to because it bugs the shit out of me how much time is wasted in the process. Last time I refused to try any of them on. That went over like a lead balloon.

And then she complains she doesn't have enough time to get things done.

Superhero · January 11

On 1/8/2024 at 1:44 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Anyone else's wife buy a fuck ton of clothes online (like $500+ worth at a time) because she's "going to return most of them"? To be fair, she does return most of them, but there has to be a better way.

Clothes? Nope.

Shoes, shoes, shoes. Some are the kids' shoes; then there are her Tory Burch flats in 3 different colors, Uggs, snowboarding boots, and a pair of fuck-me-boots (those I asked her to keep).

For a while there, it seemed like we were getting a box per day.

Superhero · January 11

Came home to her cooking - essentially boiling meats and veggies to eat with a Japanese dipping sauce. She's using a 3 qt saucepan. Cooking in batches because the surface area is too small...

Me: "Why are you using pot? You can use a sautee pan and cook it all at once..."

Her: "Leave me alone, I already started, just let me finish."

Meanwhile the kids are getting hungry because it's taking forever.

WhatTheBuck · January 11

On 1/8/2024 at 4:44 PM, Biff Tannen said:

Anyone else's wife buy a fuck ton of clothes online (like $500+ worth at a time) because she's "going to return most of them"? To be fair, she does return most of them, but there has to be a better way.

I heard a show on the local NPR station (one of two) not too long ago. It was about thrifting, but one of the guests mentioned that when you order a bunch of clothes online, keep one item and return the rest, the clothes you opted against don’t go back on the rack to be sold to another customer like in a brick and mortar store. They could wind up in a landfill, a 3rd world country, or both. It’s incredibly wasteful and environmentally unfriendly.

Here’s a link in case you’re interested:

https://news.wosu.org/show/all-sides/2023-11-28/ethics-of-thrifting

WhatTheBuck · January 11

On 1/9/2024 at 10:31 AM, Native Horn said:

Do you even DSW bro? The selection, and even more importantly, the scenery is pretty great.

Not as good as it used to be. (The shoe selection, that is.)

Edited January 11 by WhatTheBuck

SHOOTER12 · January 11

8 hours ago, Crapinon said:

Breakfast conversation this morning:

Me: How did you sleep last night?

Her : Fine but I had a disheartening dream that you divorced me.

Me: How did we split up the cats? (I knew where this was going so I tried to derail it)

Her: You got the good ones. It was very disheartening.

Me: Why did I leave you and who did I leave you for? Was it Taylor Swift? She's not my type but she's rich and I'd try to be a good gigolo.

Her: I'm not sure who it was. Maybe because you got better sex?

Me: You do realize this was YOUR dream, right?

Her: I know, but it was disheartening.

If she brings it up again, I'm just going to say it will be for someone with bigger tits and leave it at that. At least she'll have a real reason to be upset.

Jesus man never discuss or ask about dreams. Some years back I dreamed that my wife was best friends with Cameron Diaz. We were all out at some kind of outdoor festival or gathering of some kind with thousands of people when we somehow got separated. My wife freaked out because Cameron was nowhere to be found and had me looking high and low for her. I guess in my sleep I was calling out trying to find her. My wife woke up and asked me if I was having a nightmare or what. I gave her a brief sleepy rundown of how I was trying to find her best friend.of course that immediately got spun to I was dreaming about fucking Cameron Diaz. I told her NO I was looking for her because you told me to etc etc.

To this day, I'm still hearing about it. If a movie or something comes on with her in it I immediately leave so I don't have to hear about it all over again...fml

Sam Lin · January 11

Wtf, of course you're dreaming about fucking Cameron Diaz. Own that shit!

SHOOTER12 · January 11

6 minutes ago, Sam Lin said:

Wtf, of course you're dreaming about fucking Cameron Diaz. Own that shit!

I know nothing, nossing....

Got the strangest bones right now.

ROFL BOX · January 11

This never changes. Life will forevermore be a fluid game of passive-aggressive 3D Chess. It just is.

If you don't have microaggressions with your [spouse / life partner], are you even married?

High Plains Drifter · January 12

On 1/10/2024 at 7:46 PM, Crapinon said:

We have 4. One is 22 years old, deaf and nuts. She just sleeps by her food bowl and yells for food every time someone walks by. The other is 19 and senile. She sleeps most of the time, unless she's staring at her water bowl or the wall. They're the bad ones because their senile and annoying. We wake up every morning expecting to find them dead.

The two good ones are rescue cats both less than two years old. We have them because we honestly though the others would be dead now. The lady across the road won't get her cats fixed and they have litter after litter. They get lost as kittens and end up at our house for some reason. We live in the country and they would be coyote food if they weren't captured. We've given away, fostered and raised almost 30 of them over the years. We're pretty sure that cats have somehow marked our house with "suckers" and they know we won't let them die.

coyotes gotta eat too

DigglerontheHoof · January 12

On 1/10/2024 at 4:25 PM, Crapinon said:

Breakfast conversation this morning:

Me: How did you sleep last night?

Her : Fine but I had a disheartening dream that you divorced me.

Me: How did we split up the cats? (I knew where this was going so I tried to derail it)

Her: You got the good ones. It was very disheartening.

Me: Why did I leave you and who did I leave you for? Was it Taylor Swift? She's not my type but she's rich and I'd try to be a good gigolo.

Her: I'm not sure who it was. Maybe because you got better sex?

Me: You do realize this was YOUR dream, right?

Her: I know, but it was disheartening.

If she brings it up again, I'm just going to say it will be for someone with bigger tits and leave it at that. At least she'll have a real reason to be upset.

You should tell her she must be feeling guilty for some kind of infidelity.

Kennythetiger · January 12

7 hours ago, High Plains Drifter said:

coyotes gotta eat too

Bastards don’t eat the cats- just kill them.

Crapinon · January 12

Seems appropriate here

nnm · January 12

8 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Bastards don’t eat the cats- just kill them.

I don’t see the problem.

(ducks—don’t mess with cat people!)

TrashMaster G · January 12

On 1/11/2024 at 12:44 AM, SHOOTER12 said:

Jesus man never discuss or ask about dreams. Some years back I dreamed that my wife was best friends with Cameron Diaz. We were all out at some kind of outdoor festival or gathering of some kind with thousands of people when we somehow got separated. My wife freaked out because Cameron was nowhere to be found and had me looking high and low for her. I guess in my sleep I was calling out trying to find her. My wife woke up and asked me if I was having a nightmare or what. I gave her a brief sleepy rundown of how I was trying to find her best friend.of course that immediately got spun to I was dreaming about fucking Cameron Diaz. I told her NO I was looking for her because you told me to etc etc.

To this day, I'm still hearing about it. If a movie or something comes on with her in it I immediately leave so I don't have to hear about it all over again...fml

If my wife/gf ever got seriously irritated with me over something in a dream - mine or hers - I would lose it. I probably wouldn't get getting laid for a while, but she WOULD get a piece of my mind about the stupidity of her angst.

Gil Bang · January 12

On 1/5/2024 at 5:34 PM, Armybrat said:

She is Old School Catholic.

On 1/6/2024 at 9:42 PM, TrashMaster G said:

Up until 1966, it was year-round, not just Lent.

On 1/8/2024 at 12:35 AM, GoPokes83 said:

Wanna bet? I know it’s on their computer in their car and the dispatcher tells them I have it, but they still ask you for it and can write you up if you don’t have proof of something they already know you have. Ask my wife how she knows. I have a screenshot on my phone and old school paper in the console. Still gotta show it for inspections, at least for one more year.

When I was in Elementary school in the 70's, friday was always fish sticks in the cafeteria, without exception

On 1/9/2024 at 7:56 AM, Modessit said:

I wear a size 15. Not many shoe stores carry that size in stock, and the ones that do usually only have one or two styles to choose from and they typically aren't that comfortable.

14 here. I understand. Have you tried the fat-guy stores like Casual Male XL? They have a decent selection of bigger sizes.

Snake Diggity · January 13

My wife’s need/desire to nag the fuck out of me is so strong, she came into the bathroom just now while I was having loud putrid diarrhea and stood there for a solid 5 minutes bitching about how the fucking robot vacuum couldn’t finish its job because I left my jeans on the bedroom floor. Fml.

Buzzrock · January 13

She’s literally holding her phone in her hand just now and asks me “how far is it from here to Snowshoe?”

If I had a nickel.

Incredulity · January 13

On 1/10/2024 at 8:43 PM, Superhero said:

Came home to her cooking - essentially boiling meats and veggies to eat with a Japanese dipping sauce. She's using a 3 qt saucepan. Cooking in batches because the surface area is too small...

Me: "Why are you using pot? You can use a sautee pan and cook it all at once..."

Her: "Leave me alone, I already started, just let me finish."

Meanwhile the kids are getting hungry because it's taking forever.

As a corollary,

came home to my wife cooking dinner with 3 pans on the stove top. All 3 burners on Hi. I watched for a moment as she almost came to tears because every pan was starting to smoke as she tried to manage the pans. I stepped in and turned two of the burners to low, she looked at me like I was some sort of magical wizard.

ChickenSandwich · January 13

BearSchlong · January 14

Oh my wife has jokes. Tua just threw it into the stands and she exclaims “Intentional crowding!”

T’Boo Ted Marshall · January 14

As a corollary,
came home to my wife cooking dinner with 3 pans on the stove top. All 3 burners on Hi. I watched for a moment as she almost came to tears because every pan was starting to smoke as she tried to manage the pans. I stepped in and turned two of the burners to low, she looked at me like I was some sort of magical wizard.

I thought this was how all wives cooked.
High until it boils it and scorches, burns and overcooks all things inside then turn to low and say it’s ready.

NeverMarryAStripper · January 14

My first ex thought you could take recipes and double the oven temp and half the cooking time. At least she got the math correct, but she kept getting mad because our oven was defective and wouldn’t get hot enough

Edited January 14 by NeverMarryAStripper

Fudbelty · January 14

Oh my wife has jokes. Tua just threw it into the stands and she exclaims “Intentional crowding!”

Don’t know how to tell you this. That’s not her original material. She learned it from watching with Sancho.

Sandman · January 14

14 hours ago, T’Boo Ted Marshall said:

I thought this was how all wives cooked.
High until it boils it and scorches, burns and overcooks all things inside then turn to low and say it’s ready.

My wife's MO is to: Not wait for the oven to fully preheat; cook everything for the absolute shortest time listed in the recipie or on the package; get upset when I tell her I can't eat this undercooked food. Don't get me wrong, she doesn't serve raw chicken or anything dangerous but she'll make a cassarole that's cold in the middle. Or a fish filet that's barely warm.

Dennis Taylor · January 15

On 1/12/2024 at 4:32 PM, TrashMaster G said:

If my wife/gf ever got seriously irritated with me over something in a dream - mine or hers - I would lose it. I probably wouldn't get getting laid for a while, but she WOULD get a piece of my mind about the stupidity of her angst.

You're adorable you poor dumb bastard

TrashMaster G · January 15

22 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

You're adorable you poor dumb bastard

Nope. Just getting too old to put up with bullshit.

My gf understands. She doesn't come at me with stupidity like that.

Incredulity · January 15

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

My gf understands

GottaB · January 15

If you already knew the time, why did you ask her?

That was blacklab.

I assume he found out the time of the appt when he shows up 35 minutes early.

ROFL BOX · January 15

Me to wife (as she is going outside to cover her nearly dead plants from freezing): "Hey, grab that piece of cardboard that's over by the smoker / under the carport & put it on your windshield to keep most of the ice build up from happening."

Her: "But my windshield wipers are standing up because I didn't want them to get stuck."

52-80 · January 15

Bangers

tx ind · January 15

^^^fuuuuuck, so much truth in that

ROFL BOX · January 15

WhatTheBuck · January 16

18 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

Me to wife (as she is going outside to cover her nearly dead plants from freezing): "Hey, grab that piece of cardboard that's over by the smoker / under the carport & put it on your windshield to keep most of the ice build up from happening."

Her: "But my windshield wipers are standing up because I didn't want them to get stuck."

It’s a good idea to raise your wipers before an ice storm. That’s why raising your wipers is a thing.

If you try and fail to save your plants, at least you tried.

I don’t see the problem. Go Trixie.

(RIP Joyce Randolph.)

Modessit · January 16

Bangers

Yep. After 3 unanswered texts, 2 unanswered calls, and a "Find My Phone" app that plays a constant noise even if on silent yields no results, I just pick one. When she finally texts or calls while I'm pulling out of the parking lot I tell her, "You're too late. I got (this one). If you don't like it you can go back to the store or learn how to answer your phone."

It really pisses me off because of the last point. She'll text me about something that I can't answer without more info. I immediately ask for the info I need so I can answer her question. No response for 30+ minutes. She literally (literally) texted me less than 30 seconds ago and apparently threw her phone out the window like it was a live grenade and started running the other direction.

Modessit · January 16

She’s literally holding her phone in her hand just now and asks me “how far is it from here to Snowshoe?”

If I had a nickel.

My wife tells me, "You are my Google."

Beau Vine · January 16

Wife's painting the laundry room for some stupid reason, even though we're going to have the whole house painted in about 3 months.

I'm lying on the couch, under the blanket, watching football with the dog lying next to me.

Her: Can you come in here when there's a break?

Me: No, I'm not going to get up and give you my opinion of how the laundry room looks.

Her: Why?

Me: Because I don't care and I'm extremely comfortable here.

Her: blahblahblah I want to know if it needs another coat of paint!

Me: You're the painter! You decide!

Her: But I need another pair of eyes!

Me: I think it looks fine...

Her: <pause> I'm going to put another coat on it.

AUS-97HORN · January 16

and if you had said, no, it needs another coat, it would have gone one of 2 ways.

A) you are saying it looks terrible and thats why you want me to put on another coat

B) of course you say it needs another coat, ive been working on this for hours WITHOUT any help from you.. why the hell arent you helping me???

nnm · January 16

Weekly exercise in the nnm household.

NorthLoop · January 16

Change it to "thinks she already told me five times... but actually she talked to her best friend about it and maybe mentioned it to the dog"

NorthLoop · January 16

4 hours ago, Modessit said:

Yep. After 3 unanswered texts, 2 unanswered calls, and a "Find My Phone" app that plays a constant noise even if on silent yields no results, I just pick one. When she finally texts or calls while I'm pulling out of the parking lot I tell her, "You're too late. I got (this one). If you don't like it you can go back to the store or learn how to answer your phone."

It really pisses me off because of the last point. She'll text me about something that I can't answer without more info. I immediately ask for the info I need so I can answer her question. No response for 30+ minutes. She literally (literally) texted me less than 30 seconds ago and apparently threw her phone out the window like it was a live grenade and started running the other direction.

Meanwhile while we're home, she's glued to that phone like it's about to tell her the meaning of life.

mininghorn88 · January 16

4 minutes ago, NorthLoop said:

Change it to "thinks she already told me five times... but actually she talked to her best friend about it and maybe mentioned it to the dog"

It doesn’t matter. If words came out of her mouth then you are responsible regardless to whom they were directed to.

NorthLoop · January 16

Just now, mininghorn88 said:

It doesn’t matter. If words came out of her mouth then you are responsible regardless to whom they were directed to.

the dog should've told me

ROFL BOX · January 16

It’s a good idea to raise your wipers before an ice storm. That’s why raising your wipers is a thing.
If you try and fail to save your plants, at least you tried.
I don’t see the problem. Go Trixie.
(RIP Joyce Randolph.)

The inference here is that she didn't know the wipers won't get stuck to cardboard.

Modessit · January 16

Change it to "thought about needing to tell me something, rehearsed the conversation multiple times in her head, got distracted by something on her phone, eventually remembers the mental conversation and convinced herself it actually happened, then argues that she told me and nothing I can say will convince her otherwise and I'm an asshole and she was going to suck my dick later tonight but now I can just forget it"

Fifm

ABSR · January 16

13 hours ago, Modessit said:

On 1/13/2024 at 8:15 AM, Buzzrock said:

She’s literally holding her phone in her hand just now and asks me “how far is it from here to Snowshoe?”

If I had a nickel.

My wife tells me, "You are my Google."

My wife tells me, "You are my ATM." What do I win....or lose...besides money.

TrashMaster G · January 16

12 hours ago, Beau Vine said:

Wife's painting the laundry room for some stupid reason, even though we're going to have the whole house painted in about 3 months.

I'm lying on the couch, under the blanket, watching football with the dog lying next to me.

Her: Can you come in here when there's a break?

Me: No, I'm not going to get up and give you my opinion of how the laundry room looks.

Her: Why?

Me: Because I don't care and I'm extremely comfortable here.

Her: blahblahblah I want to know if it needs another coat of paint!

Me: You're the painter! You decide!

Her: But I need another pair of eyes!

<I get up and go look>

Me: I think it looks fine...

Her: <pause> I'm going to put another coat on it.

That's about the best summary of The Marriage Experience that I can imagine.

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