Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

MonkeyDoughnut · January 21

2 hours ago, Armybrat said:

None of our families & friends thought it was going to work out, as we were complete opposites and our engagement was only two weeks after we met.

Most of them wound up divorced.

How old when you got married? I think that matters. If 25 and older, listen to your family and friends, especially if get an emphatic - "dude, how can you not see she is crazy?"

hullabelew · January 21

Gentlemen! Focus!

Armybrat · January 21

We were both 22.

My oldest brother & his wife were 19 and students at UT in 1958 when they eloped. They celebrated their 65th in November.

uoftorange · January 21

8 hours ago, Enemy07 said:

I mean sex is good, she pays for everythjng, everything is great. Why do people need more than that? Why do I need to meet her family? Why does she want me to send flowers to her work? Thats dumb. i give her everything important already. Sex, alcohol, and an ear that listens to her very non-important work problems. And why do they get mad when you do not want to cuddle after sex? Dam, sex, a no questions ask relationship, I do not even care or worry about her problems, so no baggage, how selfish can this person be?

My first assumption is you are joking, but just in case you aren't:

With all the respect in the world, if those are your questions then you aren't ready for marriage.

Women aren't men. Men aren't women. That's on the whole obviously there are outliers and no one person is identical. So unless you have an outlier of the outliers that's the reason why to your questions.

No woman is perfect. No relationship is perfect. As guys we know damn well we aren't perfect. Find someone that can handle your flaws and that you can handle theirs. Took me a long time to really understand that.

uoftorange · January 21

To bring this thread back on topic:

I have busted my rear completely redoing our fireplace mantle, tile and the whole wall it's on. It looked great (see woodworking thread in hobbies).

part of the reason for doing it is that my wife, for the second time, ran the fireplace full blast with the damper closed. Soot all over it. I was going to have to repaint it again and we wanted something different anyway.

We're on about a week since I rebuilt it and it was completely done.

Guess what happened on Friday night when she was drunk?? Well yeah, obviously we had sex. But guess what else??

Edited January 21 by uoftorange

Armybrat · January 21

uoftorange · January 21

1 minute ago, Armybrat said:

haha, nice

Ran that fucker full blast, again, fucking up the paint job, again. The gas key is now hidden and I'm the designated turn-er on-er of the fireplace henceforth

Sam Lin · January 21

4 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

Back on topic, this is the amount of toilet paper she routinely believes is acceptable to leave on a roll without replacing. Now I gotta duck walk across the bathroom for more cause I didn’t do a preemptive check before shitting.

Pro Tip: If you had a bidet, that would be enough for 2 large shits.

markstanco · January 22

I literally watched the chiefs bills game today from December. I was running errands and when I got home wifey was watching the game because Taylor swift so I was kind of watching. I vaguely recall thinking wow they got all that snow out. And different stadium but I wasn’t really paying attention.

NWBuck · January 22

13 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

Back on topic, this is the amount of toilet paper she routinely believes is acceptable to leave on a roll without replacing. Now I gotta duck walk across the bathroom for more cause I didn’t do a preemptive check before shitting.

You know those fancy hand towels in the bathroom that your wife says are only for guests?

Problem solved.

tbone_ · January 22

Whenever my wife does this I get a roll out of the cabinet, use what I need and put the roll back in the cabinet.

I like to fantasize that she’s trainable.

This is the correct response.

Snake Diggity · January 22

On 1/20/2024 at 3:40 AM, Enemy07 said:

You guys (and your wives) crack me up. But quick question. For the happily married, how did you know she was the one? What advice would you give someone that finally had a brief idea of thinking about marriage? Mid 30s. And for the others that have all the nightmare stories, what would you change if you could go back in time?

I’m happily married. I am also constantly on the precipice of divorce or murder. It’s dramatic but it suits me.

The core things in my marriage (JMHO):

1. Sex. Without that, it’s just friendship. If you have issues around sex before you get married, you have no chance.

2. Religion. If it’s important to either of you, it has to be important to both of you.

3. Money. In the end, nothing causes more divorces than money problems.

4. Kids. Better be closely aligned on how many and how your general approach to parenting matches up. Also what happens if you want them and can’t conceive.

5. inlaws. If you are close to your extended families, you better like each other. If you hate your wife’s mother, you’re probably fucked.

Other than that, it’s lesser stuff like tidiness, responsibility sharing, etc.

Know this: you will find out a lot more negative things about your partner after you get married. I guarantee it.

Biff Tannen · January 22

On 1/21/2024 at 1:08 AM, ROFL BOX said:

Ask who she voted for PotUS in '16 & '20. Does that match your preferences?

What's her religious particulars?

What is her preferences re: abortion?

Fun date stuff: Get the "Book of Questions" & start asking each other bits from rando pages.

As noted , get a LONG look @ her mother... will that even remotely resemble something you will be attracted to in 20 ~ 30 years?

& Finally, ask her point blank if she will be giving blowjobs¹ when you're both 60?
(You may think I'm joking, but read this entire thread & you'll see I'm not)

¹to you.

I'm serious, I think ROFL BOX has been taken over by AI.

markstanco · January 22

@ROFL BOX - What was your username on tos? Something like NCAAFBALLROX?

luke duke · January 22

[mention=1009]ROFL BOX[/mention] - What was your username on tos? Something like NCAAFBALLROX?

It was Derka Derka

hullabelew · January 22

On 1/21/2024 at 3:03 PM, uoftorange said:

To bring this thread back on topic:

I have busted my rear completely redoing our fireplace mantle, tile and the whole wall it's on. It looked great (see woodworking thread in hobbies).

part of the reason for doing it is that my wife, for the second time, ran the fireplace full blast with the damper closed. Soot all over it. I was going to have to repaint it again and we wanted something different anyway.

We're on about a week since I rebuilt it and it was completely done.

Guess what happened on Friday night when she was drunk?? Well yeah, obviously we had sex. But guess what else??

Thanks for trying to get this back on topic @uoftorange. And strong effort by wife. VERY strong. For the rest of you motherfuckers. FOCUS. We don't need advise from Dr. Phil or Dr. Ruth....we just need to wallow in each others pain. Now, back on track me homies.

ROFL BOX · January 23

[mention=1009]ROFL BOX[/mention] - What was your username on tos? Something like NCAAFBALLROX?

Correctumundo.

Catpfish · January 23

On 1/21/2024 at 2:03 PM, uoftorange said:

To bring this thread back on topic:

I have busted my rear completely redoing our fireplace mantle, tile and the whole wall it's on. It looked great (see woodworking thread in hobbies).

part of the reason for doing it is that my wife, for the second time, ran the fireplace full blast with the damper closed. Soot all over it. I was going to have to repaint it again and we wanted something different anyway.

We're on about a week since I rebuilt it and it was completely done.

Guess what happened on Friday night when she was drunk?? Well yeah, obviously we had sex. But guess what else??

I assume this is a gas log fireplace as the smoke from a wood fire would have been an alert that the flue was closed. Hate to be that guy, but those kits come with the device to keep the flue from closing all of the way to keep this and carbon monoxide buildup from happening.

Thread derail over

Da Fino · January 23

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

cactusflinthead · January 23

3/1 ratio ain't that bad. At least you have some room for your stuff.

uoftorange · January 23

22 minutes ago, Da Fino said:

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

My wife owns her own salon and is a hairdresser. That's amateur hour...

I like to play a game of removing things from the shower, drying them off and putting them back under her cabinet. I get it down to about 20 things and then it slowly grows again back to 100

uoftorange · January 23

1 hour ago, Catpfish said:

I assume this is a gas log fireplace as the smoke from a wood fire would have been an alert that the flue was closed. Hate to be that guy, but those kits come with the device to keep the flue from closing all of the way to keep this and carbon monoxide buildup from happening.

Thread derail over

Yep, gas logs. She lit it and went to the other room. She likes to do that with TVs too, turn them on then leave the room. Those cause less houses to burn down though

Kennythetiger · January 23

3 minutes ago, uoftorange said:

Yep, gas logs. She lit it and went to the other room. She likes to do that with TVs too, turn them on then leave the room. Those cause less houses to burn down though

*fewer

Sam Lin · January 23

29 minutes ago, Da Fino said:

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

This has gotta be a humblebrag. There is so much more space for bottles and shit on that shelf.

tbone_ · January 23

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

Are you saying you’d rather share a shower with a man? Nttiawwt.

Because if you want to share it with a female human, this is how it is.

nnm · January 23

52 minutes ago, Da Fino said:

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

One bar of soap. That's all I use, all I need.

ztejas · January 23

37 minutes ago, nnm said:

One bar of soap. That's all I use, all I need.

Soap? We got an aristocrat over here.

Dennis Taylor · January 23

2 hours ago, Da Fino said:

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

What's this here?

Catpfish · January 23

Looks like a multi-purpose squeegee handle

uoftorange · January 23

12 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

What's this here?

I mean, anything's a dildo if you want it bad enough...

Da Fino · January 23

9 minutes ago, Dennis Taylor said:

What's this here?

The handle of squeegee.

PvilleStang · January 23

4 minutes ago, Da Fino said:

The handle of squeegee.

What does it smell like?

Da Fino · January 23

34 minutes ago, PvilleStang said:

What does it smell like?

A dildo

ROFL BOX · January 23

What's this here?

If you have to ask, apparently it didn't fit (use more effort... & maybe any of those soaps).

52-80 · January 23

Does anyone else’s family have this weirdly possessive concept of food?

In my family such a thing would’ve been totally alien. Anything edible in the house is game for everyone. If anything, kids have first priority, adults last.

In wife’s family there’s this person’s soup and that person’s chicken and his snack and her beverage and so on.

Never have they ever denied one another the food — but you must first ask.

If there’s a bag of chips on the table and you want to eat it, “hey did you ask so and so if you can eat their chips?” WTF.

Kennythetiger · January 23

6 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

Does anyone else’s family have this weirdly possessive concept of food?

In my family such a thing would’ve been totally alien. Anything edible in the house is game for everyone. If anything, kids have first priority, adults last.

In wife’s family there’s this person’s soup and that person’s chicken and his snack and her beverage and so on.

Never have they ever denied one another the food — but you must first ask.

If there’s a bag of chips on the table and you want to eat it, “hey did you ask so and so if you can eat their chips?” WTF.

Yes, except my family is like your wife’s, and hers is like yours.

Anastasis · January 23

7 minutes ago, 52-80 said:

Does anyone else’s family have this weirdly possessive concept of food?

In my family such a thing would’ve been totally alien. Anything edible in the house is game for everyone. If anything, kids have first priority, adults last.

In wife’s family there’s this person’s soup and that person’s chicken and his snack and her beverage and so on.

Never have they ever denied one another the food — but you must first ask.

If there’s a bag of chips on the table and you want to eat it, “hey did you ask so and so if you can eat their chips?” WTF.

lol no. But one of my friends from high school’s parents had a padlock on their fridge. That was fucking weird. Needless to say, dude would just come over to my house to get fed.

52-80 · January 23

Tonight she asked if she could drink “one of [my] cokes”

It must be subconscious and reflexive to have to ask that.

I reminded her that for the 50th time, she doesnt have to ask. Theres 12 more in the pantry, and we have 3 grocery stores across the street. There is no such thing as “my coke”.

Trey3216 · January 23

On 1/9/2024 at 9:12 AM, conVINCEd said:

I narrowed it down to five or so brands and know how each fits me. It’s a good system for me. What really makes me fucking happy is when the wife gets me a fucking present, orders 2 sizes, gleefully informs me that I can try both on and see which one fits better, and then just return the other one. Thank you honey! You just created another errand for me to run. The bottom line is most women enjoy the entire shopping experience and all it entails, while most men despise it.

Why wouldn't you just return the wrong size one, and request the same shirt in a different color/pattern but in the right size? Now your wife bought you 2 shirts.

tigol · January 23

Families and food are fucked up.

My husband won’t eat the last one of anything in a package for fear of being the one that took the last piece of whatever. So, we sometimes have a bunch of randoms.

I am always watching calories and sometimes buy foods that I know he will not like because they aren’t the “real” version. He was recently offended when I asked him not to eat the “pizza” I made because he would not like it. I offered to make him a full fat/meat/cheese pizza and he declined. Still annoyed.

It’s a no win situation.

Not a cat · January 23

Wait, there's a female poster on here that goes by "tigol"? I guess it ain't bragging if it's true.

Trey3216 · January 23

On 1/19/2024 at 3:29 PM, NeverMarryAStripper said:

No rear view mirrors either? Is it the model where you just go backward and hope not to hit anything?

TrashMaster G · January 23

4 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

This has gotta be a humblebrag. There is so much more space for bottles and shit on that shelf.

That pic just made me sad. A big seat like that in a shower is not supposed to be a shelf. It's a tool for hot and wet sexy activities.

Trey3216 · January 23

5 hours ago, Da Fino said:

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

"No sex on the shower sex bench!"

Superhero · January 24

8 hours ago, Da Fino said:

The female shower routine is out of control. We are always running late and it's usually shower or hair related.

I think Da Fino is secretly humblebragging that his wife is neat.

Superhero · January 24

4 hours ago, 52-80 said:

Tonight she asked if she could drink “one of [my] cokes”

It must be subconscious and reflexive to have to ask that.

I reminded her that for the 50th time, she doesnt have to ask. Theres 12 more in the pantry, and we have 3 grocery stores across the street. There is no such thing as “my coke”.

You missed the 50 opportunities to say "Yes. But it's gonna cost you a beej."

Sam Lin · January 24

Those are actually zero opportunities.

NeverMarryAStripper · January 24

5 hours ago, Trey3216 said:

Why wouldn't you just return the wrong size one, and request the same shirt in a different color/pattern but in the right size? Now your wife bought you 2 shirts.

No, you just bought yourself two shirts, neither of which you actually liked.

Judge Roybeanbag · January 24

During the cold snap last week my wife opened up all the cabinets in our bathrooms. All of which are on interior walls with rooms on the other side. Also the kitchen faucet cabinets. Which are on an island. At this point in life I decided fuck it, it’s not hurting anything so I kept my mouth shut. Pick your battles.

ROFL BOX · January 24

Wait, there's a female poster on here that goes by "tigol"? I guess it ain't bragging if it's true.

1. You have been a member since...
&
2. You have this many posts...

But you're only ☆now☆ figuring this out?

Sign In

Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

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