Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[Kennythetiger 9,390]

2 minutes ago, Gil Bang said:

I thought she got an implant and regained hearing?

Please don’t ruin this for me. I am picturing Hulla’s wife (still deaf) walking around with him and giving helpful advice. 

[hullabelew 3,724]

56 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Please don’t ruin this for me. I am picturing Hulla’s wife (still deaf) walking around with him and giving helpful advice. 

See did get an implant but couldn't hear the beeping.   And yes, that is exactly what she was doing.   Me under the detector and she is under one of the hallway lights.  Very helpful.  

[Jiggy-Z 3,432]

My definition of a refrigerator vegtable drawer: A place to refrigerate your vegetables prior to eating them in a few days or so.

My wife's definition of a refrigerator vegtable drawer: A place to refrigerate your vegetables for weeks on  end until they go bad and rot all over the other vegetables which have not yet gone bad unless my husband cooks or eats them before then.  Also a place that my husband cleans out because I think it's too gross.

On of my wife's favorite things to do is go to the farmer's market....to buy buy vegetables....face palm.

[Budkudzu 280]

On 1/26/2024 at 5:35 PM, Nivek said:

No you didn't.  But you just pretend you do.  

I came home to kids and a slurring paranoid bitch still in her PJs, draining her daily Black Box of merlot.  Every evening was a fresh new hell.  She still got half my shit when we split.   

[Budkudzu 280]

On 1/27/2024 at 3:22 AM, Enemy07 said:

I am close to perfect though. What else does a person need in this world but food, shelter, clothing, transportation, and commmunication?  I give her all of that when needed. Sex is a bonus. I make her life very easy.

She will remind you constantly that your are nowhere near perfect and then proceeds with listing your greatest fuck-ups.  Over and over.   

 

[CycleTex87 2,972]

1 hour ago, Budkudzu said:

I came home to kids and a slurring paranoid bitch still in her PJs, draining her daily Black Box of merlot.  Every evening was a fresh new hell.  She still got half my shit when we split.   

Man, that's not funny and all.  Can't imagine drinking a whole "box" of Black Box in one day.  The headache the next morning can only be cured by more Black Box.  Sorry for that, and the kids' experience.  

[Biff Tannen 45,691]

7 hours ago, Kennythetiger said:

Please don’t ruin this for me. I am picturing Hulla’s wife (still deaf) walking around with him and giving UNhelpful advice. 

fixed

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4,976]

9 hours ago, huge said:

My wife has started calling my cell phone instead of yelling at me across the house.  She knows my phone is on me 99% of the time.

It's the better of the 2 options for me so far.

My wife would, but she would need me to help her find her phone first. 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

“It’s a mute point.”  She busted out that gem for the 12,348th time yesterday.  

Mine used a "sal-mun" (salmon) yesterday.

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

My wife's definition of a refrigerator vegtable drawer: A place to refrigerate your vegetables for weeks on end until they go bad and rot all over the other vegetables which have not yet gone bad unless my husband cooks or eats them before then.

[Budkudzu 280]

.

Edited January 30 by Budkudzu

[hullabelew 3,724]

23 hours ago, Jiggy-Z said:

My definition of a refrigerator vegtable drawer: A place to refrigerate your vegetables prior to eating them in a few days or so.

My wife's definition of a refrigerator vegtable drawer: A place to refrigerate your vegetables for weeks on  end until they go bad and rot all over the other vegetables which have not yet gone bad unless my husband cooks or eats them before then.  Also a place that my husband cleans out because I think it's too gross.

On of my wife's favorite things to do is go to the farmer's market....to buy buy vegetables....face palm.

In my house, the vegetable drawer is just a staging station for the compost piles.   I probably have the most expensive compost in the county.  

[NorthLoop 14,215]

1 hour ago, hullabelew said:

In my house, the vegetable drawer is just a staging station for the compost piles.   I probably have the most expensive compost in the county.  

Though we probably live in different counties, I accept your challenge. 

 

Half the reason I started composting was to help my garden. The other half was to make myself feel a little bit less ragey about all the food my wife wastes. 

Edited January 30 by NorthLoop

[Dnaguy 12,001]

[Wife out of town for 5 days that ends over the weekend.]
{Today, Tuesday}
wife: I guess you heard that so and so’s grandma is not doing well and won’t last a week it looks like.

me: oh yeah. So and so was talking about that last Friday. Very sad. But 103 is a good run.

Wife: well, it would have been nice to know. When it comes to our friends you need to share stuff with me like that.

Me: uh you were at a conference. She’s your friend. And you literally text in your group chat every day. I just assumed you already knew. 
Wife: You can text. 
Me: to get this straight, when you’re not around and I’m with your friends AND they are discussing family matters you want me to live tweet it Ang give you a blow by blow account? 
Wife: [Gives a look] Uhh. You’re so ridiculous and always take everything to the extreme. You know what I meant.

 

[Context]
this is the same woman who just dropped on a Wednesday sometime back that she’s getting a second opinion bc her gyno wanted to give her a full gutting and that the second one is going to check for cancer just to make sure…. Just out of the blue.

I was shocked and asked if there was anything I could do, if she wanted to talk about it, and how long this had been and issue.

Wife: I don’t want to talk about it.

 

[tbone_ 14,128]

Have you always known you were married to a woman or is this a new revelation?

[TrashMaster G 17,563]

2 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

[Wife out of town for 5 days that ends over the weekend.]
{Today, Tuesday}
wife: I guess you heard that so and so’s grandma is not doing well and won’t last a week it looks like.

me: oh yeah. So and so was talking about that last Friday. Very sad. But 103 is a good run.

Wife: well, it would have been nice to know. When it comes to our friends you need to share stuff with me like that.

Me: uh you were at a conference. She’s your friend. And you literally text in your group chat every day. I just assumed you already knew. 
Wife: You can text. 
Me: to get this straight, when you’re not around and I’m with your friends AND they are discussing family matters you want me to live tweet it Ang give you a blow by blow account? 
Wife: [Gives a look] Uhh. You’re so ridiculous and always take everything to the extreme. You know what I meant.

 

[Context]
this is the same woman who just dropped on a Wednesday sometime back that she’s getting a second opinion bc her gyno wanted to give her a full gutting and that the second one is going to check for cancer just to make sure…. Just out of the blue.

I was shocked and asked if there was anything I could do, if she wanted to talk about it, and how long this had been and issue.

Wife: I don’t want to talk about it.

 

Good lord. Just how hot is this woman?

[Dnaguy 12,001]

36 minutes ago, TrashMaster G said:

Good lord. Just how hot is this woman?

I out kicked my coverage by a long shot. Sorry no pics.

Edited January 31 by Dnaguy

[Pig Bellmont 8,719]

3 hours ago, Dnaguy said:

her gyno wanted to give her a full gutting

 

[PvilleStang 2,912]

10 hours ago, Pig Bellmont said:

 

Her gyno is none other than...
 

Spoiler

 

[General Specific 3,262]

Close to 10 years of marriage, 2 kids, sometimes working 2 extra jobs so she can spend more time with the kids, and little shit like making sure her vehicle always has gas but I've been told that peeling an orange for her is a sign of love.

We don't argue very often, but I came close to telling her to GFY.

Man, you are going to love, Love, LOVE marriage counseling! Can’t wait for the update.

[hullabelew 3,724]

WTF is going on here?  

[nnm 36,440]

Staged but a decent idea. Try it and report back. 

 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

Staged but a decent idea. Try it and report back. 
 

She said "it's cold" however I need to see proof.

[NorthLoop 14,215]

My wife would name some place that's 100 miles away. 

[tbone_ 14,128]

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

[ABSR 5,315]

2 minutes ago, tbone_ said:

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

Did you date twins at different times?

[NeverMarryAStripper 21,907]

He always had to tell her twice

[Budkudzu 280]

Try this:

He:   What's the difference between a Big Mac and a blow job?

She:  I don't know

He:   What are you doing for lunch? 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

My wife would name some place that's 100 miles away. 

Yours actually names a particular place? Lucky you.

When mine says "anywhere", I start rattling off places I know she won't actually want & upon "No... no, no" responses, I remind her "Well, you DID say "anywhere", right?"

/tone

[NorthLoop 14,215]

1 minute ago, ROFL BOX said:

Your actually names a particular place? Lucky you.

When mine says "anywhere", I start rattling off places I know she won't actually want & upon "No... no, no" responses, I remind her "Well, you DID say "anywhere", right?"

/tone

I was referring to that video 

[Modessit 5,603]

My wife will name a restaurant that went out of business 2 years ago.

[uoftorange 1,386]

6 hours ago, Modessit said:

My wife will name a restaurant that went out of business 2 years ago.

You knoowwww where we haven't gone in a while???  

[BrazilHorn 6,612]

10 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

I do this with Via 313. If family cannot get their shit together to pick a place we are ordering pizza. 
 

Usually just have to tell them once though 

[Dnaguy 12,001]

10 hours ago, tbone_ said:

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

Had a gf back in the day and when we would start in on the where to eat nightmare, I would tell her ok I’m just driving to Whataburger. If you pick something before I arrive I’ll tune and go to your place. If not, I’m eating Whataburger. She always appreciated that.

So a double Whataburger?  Cheese and jalapeño.. or no?

[Kennythetiger 9,390]

1 hour ago, uoftorange said:

You knoowwww where we haven't gone in a while???  

Pound Town?  

[KaiserSoze 998]

11 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Pound Town?  

Not to get too sentimental, but your post revived fond memories of the time I took your mom to Pound Town. 

[Dnaguy 12,001]

36 minutes ago, Kennythetiger said:

Pound Town?  

As a married man, I haven’t vacationed there in many-a-moon.

I’m used to San Coitus. 

[ROFL BOX 6,649]

I’m used to Sans Coitus. 

[Superhero 8,830]

Dear Abby,

Our sex life is pretty predictable... not in the sense of frequency, but in what happens first, second, etc.

Recently she got mad about something and said she's done sucking dick, period. 

Should I leave her now? Or at least wait until the kids are off to college?

[HenryJames 66,121]

5 hours ago, Superhero said:

Recently she got mad about something and said she's done sucking dick, period. 

[Kennythetiger 9,390]

9 hours ago, KaiserSoze said:

Not to get too sentimental, but your post revived fond memories of the time I took your mom to Pound Town. 

So you’re the one. I was really young but I remember her telling us about you at the dinner table. Said she had seen a lot of dick in her time, but yours was actually inverted. 

[HenryJames 66,121]

[nnm 36,440]

1 hour ago, Kennythetiger said:

So you’re the one. I was really young but I remember her telling us about you at the dinner table. Said she had seen a lot of dick in her time, but yours was actually inverted. 

<insert bass pro shops naked guy pic>

[tbone_ 14,128]

So a double Whataburger?  Cheese and jalapeño.. or no?

#2. Cheese. No japs.

[nnm 36,440]

1 hour ago, tbone_ said:

#2. Cheese. No japs.

[TrashMaster G 17,563]

15 hours ago, Superhero said:

Dear Abby,

Our sex life is pretty predictable... not in the sense of frequency, but in what happens first, second, etc.

Recently she got mad about something and said she's done sucking dick, period. 

Should I leave her now? Or at least wait until the kids are off to college?

Now.

Or side chick.

[Sandman 3,403]

17 hours ago, Superhero said:

Recently she got mad about something and said she's done sucking dick, period. 

Time for you to check back in on the divorce thread. 

[wackawacka 179]

File under stupid shit husbands do...

• wife and I have been fighting non-stop for three weeks
• both of us are tired and exhausted so don't have time to resolve the issue
• I emphasized that we are both really sick, lack sleep, and generally stressed because of work/ life. No one did a wrong, but we need to prioritize our own health so we are less shitty to each other
• Tonight: She APOLOGIZED and THANKED me for caring about her and offered unlimited services
  • Me, "I appreciate that you recognize you were a complete bitch the whole time"
  • Me, "....................................I fucked up"
  • Wife walks away

Guess I can expect no services tonight.

[tbone_ 14,128]

Correctly filed.

[gofuckyourself 8,339]

On 1/29/2024 at 8:02 PM, ROFL BOX said:

 

 

Mine used a "sal-mun" (salmon) yesterday.

 

Mine takes an epson salt bath to relieve stress.

I tell her to please unplug it first.