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Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

Spur08

By Spur08
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McCroskey
McCroskey

Buddy sent a text today...said his wife decided to shop vac their fireplace and clean up all the ash. When she finished, she turned around and didn’t realize the shop vac lid wasn’t really seated, so

BearCountry11
BearCountry11

From earlier this evening...   My father in law lost his cell phone on the golf course this afternoon.  It was raining so we didn’t have much hope it would still be working but he shares the

RamjetFDO
RamjetFDO

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G650

G650 14106

Posted
Posted
21 minutes ago, tbone_ said:


Yep.

1. Look how far the strings are pulled. Damn.

2. Dean should have put the Kiss stickers on those remakes.

Totally. Beyond just the Floyd Rose effect, Dime had insane strong hands I've heard. Up there with SRV.

I concur on second point too.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6647

Posted
Posted

No names mentioned, but there's a Shagger whose wife is driving me absolutely insane re: gutters - can't make up her mind on colors, half round vs. K, mix of half round here... K there... LeaFree all over, no let's trim the cost & only do LeaFree in these areas, not those areas... oh, wait, I don't like how they look from the street, so can you get me different colors?

Now I don't want the LeaFree at all, oh... we are crazy with Oaks, so I guess I we do need them but what about this & then maybe different downspouts (round vs. 2"x3").

 

I'm on my 5th sketch & 4th estimate & want to add $ 50 to $ 75 for every revision sent out.

 

 

PS:  If you show this to her, I'll add $ 1,000.00 to your contract (& still be lower than the estimate you received from those other companies).

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Chewbacca

Chewbacca 7730

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Posted
On 9/28/2018 at 7:21 PM, NotActuallyALonghorn said:

So apparently up until a year or so ago my wife thought the little urinal thing on the side of a porta potty was a shelf to set your phone on. She's been setting her phone on dirty urinal cakes for years while she pees at concerts and fairs and stuff...

I'm sitting here gagging, trying not to puke thinking about that.  Holy shit. 

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NorthLoop

NorthLoop 14091

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, ROFL BOX said:

No names mentioned, but there's a Shagger whose wife is driving me absolutely insane re: gutters - can't make up her mind on colors, half round vs. K, mix of half round here... K there... LeaFree all over, no let's trim the cost & only do LeaFree in these areas, not those areas... oh, wait, I don't like how they look from the street, so can you get me different colors?

Now I don't want the LeaFree at all, oh... we are crazy with Oaks, so I guess I we do need them but what about this & then maybe different downspouts (round vs. 2"x3").

 

I'm on my 5th sketch & 4th estimate & want to add $ 50 to $ 75 for every revision sent out.

 

 

PS:  If you show this to her, I'll add $ 1,000.00 to your contract (& still be lower than the estimate you received from those other companies).

Kind of a dick move to post that on here if he can read it if you ask me

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Upgrayedd

Upgrayedd 5805

Posted
Posted

Monday night and Brees is at 499 TDs and Saints are at the 5.  I’m cooking dinner and keep poking my head out of the kitchen to watch.  I missed Hill scoring.

Me:  Did he get it?

Avatar:  He got it on the play before.

M:  What?

A:  Brees made the pass on the prior play.

M: Do you believe that this milestone is for completions?

A:  It’s not?

M:  JFC the man has 25 or so completions tonight.  How many games do you think it takes him to get to 500?

A:  *gears in head grinding*

A:  *candy crush*

A:  *spins step counter*

A:  Can you get me more wine while you’re up please?

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Jerry Callo

Jerry Callo 8665

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, NoRagrets said:

“A message popped up that says I have low coolant and to go to the dealership immediately. Do I have to or will it go away if I get gas?”

You are one lucky SOB.  I would have gotten a text after she went to the dealership saying they added coolant and while I was there I got a full tune up and new tires.

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Modessit

Modessit 5596

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Posted
You are one lucky SOB.  I would have gotten a text after she went to the dealership saying they added coolant and while I was there I got a full tune up and new tires.
I would've gotten a call saying the car died after making a loud noise and now there is smoke coming out from under the hood and the car won't start.
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elfenix

elfenix 34171

Posted
Posted (edited)

the smoothie recipe said half of a banana you asshole!  a whole banana would throw off the delicate balance of flavors that america's test kitchen spent 6 days and 483 test batches developing!

 

edit: wow how many pages back was i?

Edited by elfenix
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Wiler77

Wiler77 1558

Posted
Posted

Had a flashback this morning to something that happened over the summer on vacation.  We were walking down the street in Crested Butte after eating lunch.

Wife: Where are my sunglasses?  I can't find my sunglasses!

Me: Well we haven't gone far, so they may be at the restaurant.

Wife: No, I know I had them.  They're not here!  Not in my purse, not in the stroller!

Me: You're not talking about the sunglasses you're wearing right now, right? (kinda smile thinking I'm going to get a glare for my tone.  She'll sometimes carry 2 pairs of sunglasses--one stylish and one for exercise--and I thought obviously she wasn't talking about the ones on her head)

Wife pulls them off, says "yea, that's them", and keeps walking as if nothing happened.  She didn't have them on top of her head.  She was actively wearing them to protect her eyes from the sun.  Thank God some random dude witnessed the whole thing so he could laugh at her with me.

My 7 year-old son did the same thing with his watch this morning.  He was frantically looking for it, only to find it on his wrist 2 minutes later.

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EE2B

EE2B 1561

Posted
Posted

My wife bought these solar lights on Amazon and has not been able to make them work. They have been out in the yard for months and have never worked. Last night she came into the room where I was at with her phone. “The solar lights need batteries. What would they need batteries for, they are solar?”
Me:
Her:”Oh...”

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Sandman

Sandman 3402

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Posted
7 hours ago, Wiler77 said:

Had a flashback this morning to something that happened over the summer on vacation.  We were walking down the street in Crested Butte after eating lunch.

Wife: Where are my sunglasses?  I can't find my sunglasses!

Me: Well we haven't gone far, so they may be at the restaurant.

Wife: No, I know I had them.  They're not here!  Not in my purse, not in the stroller!

Me: You're not talking about the sunglasses you're wearing right now, right? (kinda smile thinking I'm going to get a glare for my tone.  She'll sometimes carry 2 pairs of sunglasses--one stylish and one for exercise--and I thought obviously she wasn't talking about the ones on her head)

Wife pulls them off, says "yea, that's them", and keeps walking as if nothing happened.  She didn't have them on top of her head.  She was actively wearing them to protect her eyes from the sun.  Thank God some random dude witnessed the whole thing so he could laugh at her with me.

My 7 year-old son did the same thing with his watch this morning.  He was frantically looking for it, only to find it on his wrist 2 minutes later.

My wife will wander around the house, looking for her phone that she's been holding in her hand the entire time.

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ROFL BOX

ROFL BOX 6647

Posted
Posted

On the way home from Monster's baseball game tonight*, all 4 of us in the car.

Monster:  "What's for dinner?"

Me:  "Seafood medley thing." (I take a bag of frozen seafood pasta whatever it is from one of the various flavors & add some frozen bugs / shrimp / scallops / calamari & it does it's thing in the sautee bath while I can do other stuff).

Monster:  "Aw, not that again.  I want steak.  We have seafood too much."

Wife:  "Would you rather have salmon?"

Monster:  "That's still seafood."

Wife:  "No it's not.  It's fish."

 -  - pause -  - all air has left the vehicle - - I can hear gears grinding in kids heads as they sit in back - -

Monster: "Um, what?"

Wife:  "Well, sure, it comes from the water, but it's not 'SEA' food."

 - pause - - pause -  - kids + me wondering if she is trying to find out how to backtrack that -  - pause -  -

 

PS:  If any of you assholes mention this deal to her, I'll gut you.

 

*won, 9 - 4, went 0-2 / 0 RBI / 1st AB thrown out @ 1st on a decent hit & quality SS fielding, 2nd AB k on swings.

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mulletpelini

mulletpelini 5209

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, JimmyHoffa said:

We needed new plastic cutting boards. 

Box from Amazon arrives with a package of five cutting boards-

5x7 cutting boards. 

So we now have 5 cutting boards that I can use the next time I need to cut a lime. 

They're plastic, just throw them in an easy bake oven and you got yourself a new 10x14 cutting board and one for your limes

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