Wives and the Stupid Shit They Say/Do

[CHIEF 5094]

On 4/26/2024 at 10:04 AM, Celery Man said:

more than that but only barely, so really not the end of the world. this is probably my own stupidity as well. she's starting a new full time job where they actually pay her and she's a little grumbly about making sure that we get that set up correctly for the filing jointly tax rate.  tone, etc

Just set her paycheck up to withhold 100% so it offsets your lowered withholdings. That way her money becomes "our" money. I heard wives really dig that.

CHIEF 

[BearSchlong 8100]

“I don’t have time for your logic today!!!!”

[Not a cat 5660]

On 4/23/2024 at 5:21 AM, Modessit said:

I (aged about 11) was at a garage sale with my mom and told her to look at a brooch (rhyming with cooch).


 

11?  Rookie.  I did this exact same thing but as a 1L in property law while discussing some case about who owned a brooch.  

[NotActuallyALonghorn 4976]

On 4/26/2024 at 8:47 AM, Celery Man said:

anyone else's wife have their paycheck set up for $0 withheld for income tax?

Yup. Wife started a new job after a few years raising the little ones. Asks me how much we are getting back from our tax return. We'll actually...

Somehow it's my fault. 

[Bevo&Pevo 5208]

On 4/20/2024 at 8:07 PM, Ravishing Rick said:

On Tuesday, my wife’s SUV was stuck in the garage because the garage door spring broke and we were waiting for the repair guy to come fix it. She needed to go to a hair appointment that was three blocks away, so she decided to walk since it was close. 

Then it starting raining outside and I told her to just take my truck. In her three block drive, she rear ended another vehicle.  She claims it was unavoidable and not her fault because the driver slammed on his brakes and my truck takes a long time to stop. Unsurprisingly, the insurance company disagrees with her assessment of who was at fault. 

three fucking blocks.  

 

On 4/20/2024 at 8:39 PM, rage-a-holic said:

Unless a woman has a commercial truck drivers license, you don't let them drive your truck. Even in the driveway.

Ahhh....reminds me of the time my aggy wife used my truck to take an asston( probably 20 or so) of the heavy old style folding tables over to the Buckner foundation.  We get 'em loaded and she goes over there the next day.  I used two 1" tie downs to keep 'em secured for the trip.  She cruises over there and gets 'em unloaded but forgets about the ratchet straps hooked into the side of the bed in the little square holes.  Evidently the tail end of the strap was out just far enough to flail around and eventually the rear tire catches it and tries to roll up on it.  Tension ensues and the strap stretches and slaps back against the back glass bringing the hook with it.  Boom! the glass shatters everywhere.  I'm sure it scared the crap out of her at the time.  She gets home and texts me to come outside.  Immediately, I'm thinking WTF happened?  She is about half ass crying as I walk up.  At first glance, I really don't notice anything, but then she points it out. Glass is gone, but the one the holes where the tie goes is pulled into an oblong shape and distorted as shit.  Yeah, I wanted to be torqued off, but I remind myself she's safe and home.  I mean it could've been much worse.  

Moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.  OR...  Never, never let your wife use your truck. 

[nnm 36472]

1 hour ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

 

Ahhh....reminds me of the time my aggy wife used my truck to take an asston( probably 20 or so) of the heavy old style folding tables over to the Buckner foundation.  We get 'em loaded and she goes over there the next day.  I used two 1" tie downs to keep 'em secured for the trip.  She cruises over there and gets 'em unloaded but forgets about the ratchet straps hooked into the side of the bed in the little square holes.  Evidently the tail end of the strap was out just far enough to flail around and eventually the rear tire catches it and tries to roll up on it.  Tension ensues and the strap stretches and slaps back against the back glass bringing the hook with it.  Boom! the glass shatters everywhere.  I'm sure it scared the crap out of her at the time.  She gets home and texts me to come outside.  Immediately, I'm thinking WTF happened?  She is about half ass crying as I walk up.  At first glance, I really don't notice anything, but then she points it out. Glass is gone, but the one the holes where the tie goes is pulled into an oblong shape and distorted as shit.  Yeah, I wanted to be torqued off, but I remind myself she's safe and home.  I mean it could've been much worse.  

Moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.  OR...  Never, never let your wife use your truck. 

That’s completely on you. If there’s a load of tables to be taken, you don’t let your wife do it. Step up to the plate. 

[ROFL BOX 6649]

https://www.facebook.com/share/r/3ps3Qki7LjHWeXzP/?mibextid=4rjikB

[956 Worldwide 34728]

Wife got a new home office chair and so today I went to put it together. Unboxed, looked at the instructions and determined it just needed the little Allen wrench that came with the hardware, started laying out the parts in order to start getting it all squared away.

Wife comes by, sits down on the floor, takes the instructions away and starts asking questions: “Are you sure you don’t need more tools? Why are you taking all the parts out at once. Are you sure….”

Me: ”Hey, can you please just put those instructions back where they were and I’ll be done really soon.”

Her: ”You don’t have to be rude to me! I’m just helping you! I can put it together myself if that’s how you want to be.” 

Me: “OK”

Her: “Or I don’t have to help you and you can do it without me.” 

Me: “Also fine.” 

Her: “Rabble grumble pout huff.” 

Spoiler: She neither put it together herself or “made” me do it alone, and she also took the instructions away one more time to “check that you’re doing it right.”

 

 

 

[ztejas 43502]

I'm driving a full Uhaul and someone's wife decides to stop 10 feet before the intersection and I have to grind the brakes.

Edited April 28 by ztejas

[TrashMaster G 17568]

1 hour ago, 956 Worldwide said:

Wife got a new home office chair and so today I went to put it together. Unboxed, looked at the instructions and determined it just needed the little Allen wrench that came with the hardware, started laying out the parts in order to start getting it all squared away.

Wife comes by, sits down on the floor, takes the instructions away and starts asking questions: “Are you sure you don’t need more tools? Why are you taking all the parts out at once. Are you sure….”

Me: ”Hey, can you please just put those instructions back where they were and I’ll be done really soon.”

Her: ”You don’t have to be rude to me! I’m just helping you! I can put it together myself if that’s how you want to be.” 

Me: “OK”

Her: “Or I don’t have to help you and you can do it without me.” 

Me: “Also fine.” 

Her: “Rabble grumble pout huff.” 

Spoiler: She neither put it together herself or “made” me do it alone, and she also took the instructions away one more time to “check that you’re doing it right.”

That's not normal behavior. She's got issues.

[Biff Tannen 45692]

10 hours ago, Bevo&Pevo said:

 

Ahhh....reminds me of the time my aggy wife used my truck to take an asston( probably 20 or so) of the heavy old style folding tables over to the Buckner foundation.  We get 'em loaded and she goes over there the next day.  I used two 1" tie downs to keep 'em secured for the trip.  She cruises over there and gets 'em unloaded but forgets about the ratchet straps hooked into the side of the bed in the little square holes.  Evidently the tail end of the strap was out just far enough to flail around and eventually the rear tire catches it and tries to roll up on it.  Tension ensues and the strap stretches and slaps back against the back glass bringing the hook with it.  Boom! the glass shatters everywhere.  I'm sure it scared the crap out of her at the time.  She gets home and texts me to come outside.  Immediately, I'm thinking WTF happened?  She is about half ass crying as I walk up.  At first glance, I really don't notice anything, but then she points it out. Glass is gone, but the one the holes where the tie goes is pulled into an oblong shape and distorted as shit.  Yeah, I wanted to be torqued off, but I remind myself she's safe and home.  I mean it could've been much worse.  

Moral of the story: No good deed goes unpunished.  OR...  Never, never let your wife use your truck. 

Damn, this could have gone way worse in many ways.

[Bevo&Pevo 5208]

5 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Damn, this could have gone way worse in many ways.

Certainly.  Without going back and looking someone quoted me earlier more or less laying it on me for her going by herself.  OK, maybe.  Buckner always have staff to unload donations, so I didn't let her go knowing she'd be lifting these tables.  One of the tie downs simply wasn't put back in the truck properly.  In actuality it was just glass.  Thankfully. 

BTW, no trolling or bad feelings on being quoted.  I don't operate that way.  It's just an opinion.  No biggie.

Edited April 29 by Bevo&Pevo

[T’Boo Ted Marshall 2736]

Wife got a new home office chair and so today I went to put it together. Unboxed, looked at the instructions and determined it just needed the little Allen wrench that came with the hardware, started laying out the parts in order to start getting it all squared away.
Wife comes by, sits down on the floor, takes the instructions away and starts asking questions: “Are you sure you don’t need more tools? Why are you taking all the parts out at once. Are you sure….”
Me: ”Hey, can you please just put those instructions back where they were and I’ll be done really soon.”
Her: ”You don’t have to be rude to me! I’m just helping you! I can put it together myself if that’s how you want to be.” 
Me: “OK”
Her: “Or I don’t have to help you and you can do it without me.” 
Me: “Also fine.” 
Her: “Rabble grumble pout huff.” 
Spoiler: She neither put it together herself or “made” me do it alone, and she also took the instructions away one more time to “check that you’re doing it right.”
 

 
 

I hate managers like that.

[Baboontyme 2814]

My wife still doesn't understand how a thermostat works. We are damn near 50 years old. She is a smart enough person to grasp the concept. She has a Masters degree. What kills me is that she just doesn't want to. If i try to connect the dots I'm mansplaining. 

[Pato del Muerto 52531]

Buys dress slacks for son. 32” length is too long. Returns them, orders a pair of 34”. 

[hullabelew 3724]

13 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

That's not normal behavior. She's got issues.

She's a female.   

[Incredulity 11678]

14 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

That's not normal behavior. She's got issues.

are you new here?

[Incredulity 11678]

15 hours ago, ztejas said:

I'm driving a full Uhaul and someone's wife decides to stop 10 feet before the intersection and I have to grind the brakes.

CSB warning.

 

A few weeks ago I was stuck behind somebody's wife who sat through 2 full light intersections cycles that didn't include a green for our traffic because she didn't pull far enough forward to engage the sensor.  After first giving a courtesy beep, then a second gentle double beep, then after about another minute a longer full triple fuck you beep I had to walk up to her window and request she pull forward.  Of course she was scrolling on her phone blissfully unaware.

[TrashMaster G 17568]

15 minutes ago, Incredulity said:

are you new here?

I meant even relative to a typical wife baseline.

[Incredulity 11678]

1 minute ago, TrashMaster G said:

a typical wife baseline.

[Beau Vine 54292]

15 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

That's not normal behavior. She's got issues.

Well, she's a woman, so...

[tigol 2398]

10 hours ago, Baboontyme said:

My wife still doesn't understand how a thermostat works. We are damn near 50 years old. She is a smart enough person to grasp the concept. She has a Masters degree. What kills me is that she just doesn't want to. If i try to connect the dots I'm mansplaining. 

It's not just wives.  My husband is a smart man.  He refuses to act like an adult around a thermostat.

[Incredulity 11678]

37 minutes ago, tigol said:

It's not just wives.  My husband is a smart man.  He refuses to act like an adult around a thermostat.

 

this is the trust tree, in the nest.

[ABSR 5319]

18 hours ago, TrashMaster G said:

That's not normal behavior. She's got issues.

You single guys are sooooo cute!

[hullabelew 3724]

Having a new dishwasher installed.  Wife tells them she wants to vacuum the space before they put the new one in.   (Never mind we are paying THEM to install this and they have their own garage vacuum sitting in the kitchen).  

After they leave, she tells me...."something is stuck in the vacuum cleaner...it isn't working".   
Me:   Do you already put the garage vacuum back in the garage or basement?
Her:  No.  I used the upright.
Me:  You used that Miele vacuum cleaner to suck up nails, wood chunks, wire pieces?  
Her:  Yes.  What's wrong with that.

So....looks like it's back to the shop for the Natzi vacuum cleaner.   I imagine that repair bill will be about the same as the dishwasher was.   On the plus side, it's just down the street from the Taqueria so I plan to spend an afternoon with the bartender there.  See if I can drink them out of Tecates again.  

Edited April 29 by hullabelew

[burntorangebongos 10747]

On 4/28/2024 at 5:20 PM, 956 Worldwide said:

Wife got a new home office chair and so today I went to put it together. Unboxed, looked at the instructions and determined it just needed the little Allen wrench that came with the hardware, started laying out the parts in order to start getting it all squared away.

Wife comes by, sits down on the floor, takes the instructions away and starts asking questions: “Are you sure you don’t need more tools? Why are you taking all the parts out at once. Are you sure….”

Me: ”Hey, can you please just put those instructions back where they were and I’ll be done really soon.”

Her: ”You don’t have to be rude to me! I’m just helping you! I can put it together myself if that’s how you want to be.” 

Me: “OK”

Her: “Or I don’t have to help you and you can do it without me.” 

Me: “Also fine.” 

Her: “Rabble grumble pout huff.” 

Spoiler: She neither put it together herself or “made” me do it alone, and she also took the instructions away one more time to “check that you’re doing it right.”

 

 

 

I was gonna say she is a fucking brat but then I remembered the time I yelled at my husband for clearing out a planting bed for me because "he determined the shape of it!"

Yeah, I shut my damn brat mouth. Hahaha

[Modessit 5603]

anyone else's wife have their paycheck set up for $0 withheld for income tax?

My niece's husband - the sole breadwinner in a family with 4 kids 8 and below - claims 6 on his W2. Then doesn't understand why his tax refund is so low. I've tried to explain multiple times but he thinks he's beating the system because he gets more each paycheck. That would be good if he actually put it in the bank and earned interest but since he spends it on stupid shit throughout the year, he has nothing to help with that expensive car repair that inevitably comes up.

[Modessit 5603]

Having a new dishwasher installed.  Wife tells them she wants to vacuum the space before they put the new one in.   (Never mind we are paying THEM to install this and they have their own garage vacuum sitting in the kitchen).  
After they leave, she tells me...."something is stuck in the vacuum cleaner...it isn't working".   
Me:   Do you already put the garage vacuum back in the garage or basement?
Her:  No.  I used the upright.
Me:  You used that Miele vacuum cleaner to suck up nails, wood chunks, wire pieces?  
Her:  Yes.  What's wrong with that.

So....looks like it's back to the shop for the Natzi vacuum cleaner.   I imagine that repair bill will be about the same as the dishwasher was.   On the plus side, it's just down the street from the Taqueria so I plan to spend an afternoon with the bartender there.  See if I can drink them out of Tecates again.  

You don't own a screwdriver or anything? Unclog you're own vacuum.

I don't know how many times I've pulled crayons, small toy pieces, etc out of our Dyson.

[nnm 36472]

3 hours ago, Modessit said:

You don't own a screwdriver or anything? Unclog you’re own vacuum.

You don’t own a usage guide or anything?

[hullabelew 3724]

4 hours ago, Modessit said:

You don't own a screwdriver or anything? Unclog you're own vacuum.

I don't know how many times I've pulled crayons, small toy pieces, etc out of our Dyson.

Out of a normal vacuum cleaner?  Not a problem.  Out of this high dollar Natzi machine?  I ain't touching it.  You get near it with a screw driver, springs and filters start popping out at 13 different angles.  Same principal as working on cars.  67 Chevy pickup?  No problem.  2024 automobile?  No fucking way.  

[TrashMaster G 17568]

17 hours ago, hullabelew said:

Having a new dishwasher installed.  Wife tells them she wants to vacuum the space before they put the new one in.   (Never mind we are paying THEM to install this and they have their own garage vacuum sitting in the kitchen).  

After they leave, she tells me...."something is stuck in the vacuum cleaner...it isn't working".   
Me:   Do you already put the garage vacuum back in the garage or basement?
Her:  No.  I used the upright.
Me:  You used that Miele vacuum cleaner to suck up nails, wood chunks, wire pieces?  
Her:  Yes.  What's wrong with that.

So....looks like it's back to the shop for the Natzi vacuum cleaner.   I imagine that repair bill will be about the same as the dishwasher was.   On the plus side, it's just down the street from the Taqueria so I plan to spend an afternoon with the bartender there.  See if I can drink them out of Tecates again.  

Is she hot?

[hullabelew 3724]

1 hour ago, TrashMaster G said:

Is she hot?

To quote a fine American, "If I ever get out of this trap, I'm not falling back in"

[Frank The Tank 1497]

It’s 11:45 on Friday night. I just finished watching the Stars lose and the Mavs win. It’s been a long week and I’ve got a nice little buzz going. Perfect time to go collapse into my comfortable bed and relax until the kids wake up. Marissa has apparently decided now is the right time to be vacuuming the master bedroom. 

[Superhero 8830]

7-8 years ago, I was going to fire a woman for performance and character issues. She ended quitting 2 hours before we were going to sit down with HR.

I ran into her at a conference and we chatted for a few minutes. She went to work for a competitor which has an ESOP and that’s all she how she would be so rich when she retires.

She’s still holding a grudge after such a long time. It was this type of behavior that triggered my decision to fire her.

 

(Not gonna lie though, wish my company had an ESOP)

 

 

[Frank The Tank 1497]

I’m confused….did you marry her?

[Armybrat 40851]

On 4/24/2024 at 11:34 AM, Jerry Callo said:

That's no lie.  I was driving around after eating dinner at Home Slice in Central Austin and commented that sometimes it is almost impossible to determine where the actual car lane is.  I'll hit a cyclists before I hit a curb, though. 
 

 

[Armybrat 40851]

On 4/30/2024 at 3:29 AM, Modessit said:

You don't own a screwdriver or anything? Unclog you're own vacuum.

I don't know how many times I've pulled crayons, small toy pieces, etc out of our Dyson.

We have a maid service clean our house every two weeks.

[Superhero 8830]

3 hours ago, Frank The Tank said:

I’m confused….did you marry her?

If I did, I would have left to get some milk and never looked back.

My wife may be many things, but vindictive is not one of them. 

[NeverMarryAStripper 21909]

Wait until you divorce her

[956 Worldwide 34728]

 

[nnm 36472]

48 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

 

Defeated. But by a cat, so maybe it’s a wash. 

[Jerry Callo 8707]

55 minutes ago, 956 Worldwide said:

 

Looks like the problem resolved itself.

[Sam Lin 3559]

I love how he got out, then second guessed himself, like "Wait, why do I want to save her?"

[TrashMaster G 17568]

4 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

 

Profit???

[NorthLoop 14218]

Too bad it wasn't a bear. Would've made an excellent reply to every stupid ass bear/strange man meme that these fucking idiots keep posting on facebook. 

[956 Worldwide 34728]

3 hours ago, Sam Lin said:

I love how he got out, then second guessed himself, like "Wait, why do I want to save her?"

My favorite part was the little foot stomp on the way over. 
 

Apparently the wife got mauled, the second person who got out was her mother who got killed trying to save her. LOL? 

[Biff Tannen 45692]

4 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

My favorite part was the little foot stomp on the way over. 
 

Apparently the wife got mauled, the second person who got out was her mother who got killed trying to save her. LOL? 

Until other proof is given, I'm saying it's all fake.

[956 Worldwide 34728]

3 minutes ago, Biff Tannen said:

Until other proof is given, I'm saying it's all fake.

It’s an older code, but it checks out.

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/26/world/asia/china-tiger-attack-woman-killed.html

[Biff Tannen 45692]

1 minute ago, 956 Worldwide said:

It’s an older code, but it checks out.

https://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/26/world/asia/china-tiger-attack-woman-killed.html

JFC

[nnm 36472]

5 hours ago, 956 Worldwide said:

My favorite part was the little foot stomp on the way over. 
 

Apparently the wife got mauled, the second person who got out was her mother who got killed trying to save her. LOL? 

So the dude lost his shrew wife and MIL on the same day?

Hookers and blow thread is that way—->